cutting the cord? dealing w/leaving mom (Seattle, Tacoma: real estate, houses)

[bye bye cali]

I love the PNW and want badly to live in OR or Wa but at 40 my husband and I have never lived away from our parents. What babies right! In particular I'm torn about taking my young children away from their grandparents. I'm afraid my mother will be heartbroken. Have any of you left behind parents in Calif? How do you deal with it? Do they visit often? We live in a not so nice part of central calif and want to raise our children in a nature driven Or or Wa community. I guess I'm looking for stories to ease my conscience.

[allforcats]

No matter what you choose to do or not do, you will always feel guilty if you continue to believe that you are responsible for how other people choose to feel....

You are not responsible for others' emotions. THEY are responsible for their choices.

If the grandparents love the children and the grandchildren, they will briefly feel sad for themselves but then joyful for the new adventure, opportunities, outlook and widened horizons the children and grandchildren will be blessed with. If you can save some money to go visit the grandparents now and then, and/or they can save to come visit you now and then, problem solved.

If you don't like where you live, you are teaching your children to live in not-like-ness and powerlessness and victimization to some degree. What better gift could you give your children than the example of choosing joy, and following your dreams? How better to teach your children how they can make for themselves lives they love?

Age 40 begins a time of wisdom, doesn't it? You've both definitely accumulated enough life experience to know what you must have in your life, and there's nothing babyish about that. Everyone chooses to do what they feel is the best thing at the time, based on everything they know. When they know differently, they choose differently.

You are the only one who can "ease" your conscience about anything, by choosing to feel free. You are the only one who can choose fear or joy for yourself. Do you remember Robert Frost's poem "The Road Not Taken"?
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

You two are the ones who are showing your children, by everything you say and do every day, how to make a joyous life. Go forth in joy.

[Sandy Nelson]

bye bye cali,
I love the answer you got from allforcats.
I left my entire family in Germany and my husband's family lives on the east coast. We chose to live in Washington because we love the natural beauty of the state and we feel it's a great place to raise our children. After visiting us in Washington, my sister has since also moved here, and my husband's mom is considering moving here as well. Don't feel guilty about moving away from your parents. Who knows, perhaps this move will open doors and opportunities to all of you that you would otherwise have missed out on.

Good luck.

Sandy

[mthomson]

My wife moved from Southern Cal to Gig Harbor, WA, 6 years ago when I tore her away. Her parents bought a home up here three years later, and her sister is now considering moving up here.

[bye bye cali]

Allforcats,
I always loved that poem and you're right I am the only one who can ease my conscience. Thank you for helping me keep in mind the lessons about following one's dream that I'm teaching my children. That helps alot....Still feel guilty tho. have you ever watched or read Joy Luck Club? I'm Asian and there's a sense of loyalty/devotion/guilt Asain women feel toward their mothers that I swear is almost genetic. It's going to be hard. Who knows maybe they will move up there but they like Calif weather. Thanks everyone for your thoughts

[allforcats]

You are welcome :-)

“Still feel guilty tho.”
Well, that's a choice you make, every moment of your life. And you can choose instead to feel powerful and centered and purposeful and happy and free. Or confused. Or whatever comes to mind at the moment, right?



“have you ever watched or read Joy Luck Club? I'm Asian and there's a sense of loyalty/devotion/guilt Asain women feel toward their mothers that I swear is almost genetic.”
Yes, I know the book and movie well. And I have GREAT news for you: the Pacific Northwest, especially all around the Seattle area, is very Asian -- in communities, schools, the arts, children’s sports, publications, authentic stores, authentic restaurants, houses of worship, and so on. A great advantage for both you and your children is that everywhere you go, you will see lots of people who look like you. I know that you know how comfortable and encouraging and "real life" that feels.


Anything that's not actually genetic can be changed by you, because every moment of your life is in your own hands. Actually, since everything in the Universe is energy and there is nothing "solid" and “unmovable” in the Universe, even what IS genetic can be changed by you :-) So -- bingo! -- you are the one who creates your life. YUM!


“It's going to be hard.” Each of us is what each of us believes, remember?


“Who knows maybe they will move up there but they like Calif weather.” And since you cannot live life for, or make choices for, or make changes of mind for, anyone other than yourself (and your children while they’re underage), no matter what you do, the other grownups will do (yes, do) who they are and YAY! for them, and YAY! for you doing what makes your heart sing. :-) And YAY! for you being the kind of person, in terms of what you really value, that you’d like your children to become -- no matter what you choose.

Joy to you!

[beauty4ashes]

I moved to WA from Cali 18 years ago. One year later my dad & his wife moved here (to the penisula). A year after that, my sister and her family moved here. Two years after that my brother moved here. A year after that, my sister moved here.

It's a beautiful place to live and it sometimes it's worth taking the risk to find happiness. You never know, maybe your parents will decide to move here in a while, too because they value you and their grandkids more than a piece of real estate.

I would never put any pressure on them to do so, but your sincere sentiments about missing them will say it for you.

If they don't, then you will at least be giving your children a better life here than in S. Cali. I left CA for the same reasons and I'm SO glad I did. WA has been such a great place to live.

[allforcats]

Well then, beauty4ashes, it's YOUR family that's been driving up real estate prices here!! Now we know!! Hahahaha! :-)

[mconzemius]

bye bye cali - I have been in your shoes before. I moved 1800 miles from Lincoln, NE to Tacoma, WA in 2005. By the middle of 2006, I was back in Nebraska. I had a VERY hard time cutting the cord.

Coming up this May (2008) I will be moving back to the Tacoma area. My husband has a great job there and the kids and I will be following shortly. I have a LOT of opposition from my family and friends, but I have cleared my mind from it. I did that by reminding myself that I have to make a life for myself and my children, not for my family and friends. I feel that my family has a better chance of success living in WA. My husband loves his new job, the pay is GREAT and there are many opportunities for myself.

I hope that you can look at a new life as an adventure! Remind yourself that YOU are the one who chooses what happens in your life (and your children's lives). Best of luck to you and your family!

[Woof]

Originally Posted by bye bye cali

Allforcats,
I always loved that poem and you're right I am the only one who can ease my conscience. Thank you for helping me keep in mind the lessons about following one's dream that I'm teaching my children. That helps alot....Still feel guilty tho. have you ever watched or read Joy Luck Club? I'm Asian and there's a sense of loyalty/devotion/guilt Asain women feel toward their mothers that I swear is almost genetic. It's going to be hard. Who knows maybe they will move up there but they like Calif weather. Thanks everyone for your thoughts

It's also quite common for several generations of European families to stay together in an ancestral home, but something changes when they move here as my parents did.

Have you tried vacationing a week or so in Seattle or Portland in the middle of the rainy season? It's lovely during the summer, but that's only a small part of the year. And you could take your parents with you for that week, see how they like it.