Me vs. My Family - wedding drama!! need advice desperately! (marriage, rings)
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Hey all, I hope to get some input and advice on my situation:
Basically, my fiance of 6 yrs and I want a destination wedding. We both don't want a huge ceremony, just close friends and family to celebrate our special day. My mom, dad, sister and best friend are really AGAINST this (aka the debbie downers / negative nancy's!) My fiance, 2 other best friends, and his family are FOR it (aka the positive peters / happy harry's!) - and are really happy, excited, and proud to say the least.
We finally set our date 2 weeks ago. When I told my mom, there was no reaction. She wasn't happy, or excited - she wasn't anything. My fiance's mom - complete different! I wish my mom can be happy for me, but I think there are some underlying jealousy issues between us. I have had a decent/good job since i was 18 y/o. They never paid a bill of mine, I bought and paid for my car in full, and now I live on my own and about to sell that house, to purchase a bigger house farther away.
I have a cousin who is getting married this year. She's having a big wedding, went to 'say yes to the dress' in NYC, and has everything all glitzy and I know deep down - my mom wants to 'outdo' her, and make my wedding outshine hers - but the problem is, I dont want that - it's not what will make me happy. So she's making me very upset.
So I brought some papers to my mom last weekend just to show her the resort we love. She basically didn't care. She flipped through the pages, tried to convince me of getting married where she did, and having the reception where she did. i said no, i dont want that!! She then looks to my sister and says "oh well, atleast I'll have my second chance with you!" that made me really upset and mad. we then got into a huge arguement and she said she wasn't paying for it because it's not what she wants, and that a destination wedding won't "make her proud". My mom also said she wanted to invite all her friends from work to my wedding! wtf?! I dont even know anyone she works with, why would I want them at my wedding? My mom is willing to pay $30-$50k on a huge traditional wedding, but not $10k for a destination!! I think it's a great idea to bring together both families and friends on a vacation where we just so happen to be getting married... I just want them to be happy for me, show it, and be there... but they're not. Its been over a week since I've talked to my mom, dad, or sis.
I'm at a loss for words. I dont know what to do anymore. I am completely opposite from my family. Different goals, different hobbies, totally different personalities. We aren't close, I dont get sad when weeks go by and we don't see one another... so what to do?
I dont have the money to pay for my own wedding. My mom said to just elope, and then when i come back she'll throw a party.. that's a slap in the face to me. She's basically saying, go get married, i dont want to go or see it, I'll just wait and throw a party when you get back.
I told myself that in the end, I have to do what makes me happy. At the end of the day, I'm with my fiance - he's my life. He's the one i sleep with, the one i wake up with, the one that's there for me day and night. He will be the one I have a family with, the one I retire with, the one I spend my life with.... I guess all I have to do is keep it moving, and do everything on my own?
with all due respect to your mom...you need to do YOU, forget about what she wants. If you dont have the money, hold off until you do, because if you let her finance this in anyway, she will try to run the show.
Your mom wants to show you off to her friends. It might be old fashioned, but traditionally a big wedding was a way for the parents to show that they approved of the marriage. Your mom has probably been mentally planning the event for years.
Since you don't have the money to pay for the wedding, you've got a couple of choices...elope, save up for the destination wedding, or let your mom do her thing.
Also, does she usually enjoy traveling? Personally, if I had to get on a plane to see my daughter get married, she could go elope, and I'd throw her a party when she got back.
This is YOUR wedding not your mother's. I say, you and your fiance take out a $10,000 loan or ask his parents if you could borrow the money and do your destination wedding without your family. I wouldn't even invite them and I wouldn't be part of their lives anymore since you don't have much in common with them anyway.
You're starting a new chapter in your life and life is too short to deal with people that aren't happy for you. Have a happy, long and good life with your fiance and his family.
This is YOUR wedding not your mother's. I say, you and your fiance take out a $10,000 loan or ask his parents if you could borrow the money and do your destination wedding without your family. I wouldn't even invite them and I wouldn't be part of their lives anymore since you don't have much in common with them anyway.
You're starting a new chapter in your life and life is too short to deal with people that aren't happy for you. Have a happy, long and good life with your fiance and his family.
Doing what your mom wants just to please her is just gonna cause resentment and issues between the 2 of you. That's just my $.02
Hey all, I hope to get some input and advice on my situation:
Basically, my fiance of 6 yrs and I want a destination wedding. We both don't want a huge ceremony, just close friends and family to celebrate our special day. My mom, dad, sister and best friend are really AGAINST this (aka the debbie downers / negative nancy's!) My fiance, 2 other best friends, and his family are FOR it (aka the positive peters / happy harry's!) - and are really happy, excited, and proud to say the least.
We finally set our date 2 weeks ago. When I told my mom, there was no reaction. She wasn't happy, or excited - she wasn't anything. My fiance's mom - complete different! I wish my mom can be happy for me, but I think there are some underlying jealousy issues between us. I have had a decent/good job since i was 18 y/o. They never paid a bill of mine, I bought and paid for my car in full, and now I live on my own and about to sell that house, to purchase a bigger house farther away.
I have a cousin who is getting married this year. She's having a big wedding, went to 'say yes to the dress' in NYC, and has everything all glitzy and I know deep down - my mom wants to 'outdo' her, and make my wedding outshine hers - but the problem is, I dont want that - it's not what will make me happy. So she's making me very upset.
So I brought some papers to my mom last weekend just to show her the resort we love. She basically didn't care. She flipped through the pages, tried to convince me of getting married where she did, and having the reception where she did. i said no, i dont want that!! She then looks to my sister and says "oh well, atleast I'll have my second chance with you!" that made me really upset and mad. we then got into a huge arguement and she said she wasn't paying for it because it's not what she wants, and that a destination wedding won't "make her proud". My mom also said she wanted to invite all her friends from work to my wedding! wtf?! I dont even know anyone she works with, why would I want them at my wedding? My mom is willing to pay $30-$50k on a huge traditional wedding, but not $10k for a destination!! I think it's a great idea to bring together both families and friends on a vacation where we just so happen to be getting married... I just want them to be happy for me, show it, and be there... but they're not. Its been over a week since I've talked to my mom, dad, or sis.
I'm at a loss for words. I dont know what to do anymore. I am completely opposite from my family. Different goals, different hobbies, totally different personalities. We aren't close, I dont get sad when weeks go by and we don't see one another... so what to do?
I dont have the money to pay for my own wedding. My mom said to just elope, and then when i come back she'll throw a party.. that's a slap in the face to me. She's basically saying, go get married, i dont want to go or see it, I'll just wait and throw a party when you get back.
I told myself that in the end, I have to do what makes me happy. At the end of the day, I'm with my fiance - he's my life. He's the one i sleep with, the one i wake up with, the one that's there for me day and night. He will be the one I have a family with, the one I retire with, the one I spend my life with.... I guess all I have to do is keep it moving, and do everything on my own?
thoughts??
All I can say is ..IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR WEDDING!
Please don't get mad at me for being blunt. But just because somebodies my relative, doesn't mean they are not a totally self centered ass. My real family is full of em! You know what I did? Replacement family!!
Seriously! There are a lot of people out there willing to treat me great, and vice versa. I just adopted them! And them, me! and stopped worrying about the asses with the same DNA! You sound like you have a wonderful replacement family on one side, go with that! and add $10,000 to that new mortgage do it for yourself. In the long run, you'll be so happy you did, even though it might hurt a little in the wallet, you broke free from oppression! You've been doing it ALL BY YOURSELF quite a while now, anyway, haven't you?
Your mom wants to show you off to her friends. It might be old fashioned, but traditionally a big wedding was a way for the parents to show that they approved of the marriage. Your mom has probably been mentally planning the event for years.
Since you don't have the money to pay for the wedding, you've got a couple of choices...elope, save up for the destination wedding, or let your mom do her thing.
This. While I don't approve of the idea of manipulating a person with finances or giving a gift with strings attached ... it's your mom's money. Her choice what to spend it on, and if she doesn't want to go to Hawaii or Jamaica or Tahiti to see you get married, that's her prerogative. You can pay for your own wedding, get the money from someone else, or abide by her wishes.
You might try compromising. Since your fiance's family is all gung ho about spending money to go on vacation with you, perhaps you could elope at home and ask for money from your mom for the honeymoon. Your in-laws could all go with you then.
Show your mother the difference between blowing $30,000 on one day, versus blowing $10,000 and investing the $20,000. Or blowing $10,000 and putting the $20,000 into a house or business.
Ask her if she thinks it's smarter to invest the money.
You're the one who will have the wedding album and memories to look back upon 50 years down the road, or pass to your children (if you have any). Ask yourself what you want to be looking at, remembering, and passing on to any potential kids.
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