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Instead of asking random strangers, you should talk with your mother one more time. Put your foot down and tell her if she pays for your wedding, you'll invite her, but if she's not going to pay for it, she's out of your life for good, and you're not only washing your hands of her but your sister and dad as well and that as you already have little use for them so it won't be difficult.
Then if she doesn't give you the money, go to the soon-to-be inlaws and tell them it's up to them now to pay and since they're excited about this trip, most likely they will give you the money.
If I were her mom, and she said that to me, I'd open the door for her and wave buh-bye. However, I never would have promised to pay several thousand for a wedding either. I don't think anyone, these days, should expect their parents to finance such extravagance.
Then if she doesn't give you the money, go to the soon-to-be inlaws and tell them it's up to them now to pay and since they're excited about this trip, most likely they will give you the money.
Oh, that would be beyond awkward. I stand by my suggestion to ask the mom to pay for the honeymoon and go to the "destination" then. All the relatives who want to accompany her on vacation can go.
I dont have the money to pay for my own wedding. My mom said to just elope, and then when i come back she'll throw a party.. that's a slap in the face to me. She's basically saying, go get married, i dont want to go or see it, I'll just wait and throw a party when you get back.
I actually don't find this a slap in the face. When you ask somebody to go to a destination you are asking each person to spend 1k+ on travel and all accomodations. It's just not cool to assume that they will be willing to do that AND finance the wedding. Lots of people have small weddings, and then followed by after wedding parties for people who can't go.
However, I never would have promised to pay several thousand for a wedding either. I don't think anyone, these days, should expect their parents to finance such extravagance.
The OP has already said she does not expect them to to pay.
HerMOTHER wanted to spend $30,000-50,000 on a large wedding. The OP prefers $10,000 on a small wedding.
OP, it seems you have come to the wrong place to ask for advice. I think some people are having an emotional reaction to the amount of money yourmom wants to pay, that they are losing sight of the plot.
Instead of asking random strangers, you should talk with your mother one more time. Put your foot down and tell her if she pays for your wedding, you'll invite her, but if she's not going to pay for it, she's out of your life for good, and you're not only washing your hands of her but your sister and dad as well and that as you already have little use for them so it won't be difficult.
Then if she doesn't give you the money, go to the soon-to-be inlaws and tell them it's up to them now to pay and since they're excited about this trip, most likely they will give you the money.
Wow. Pretty harsh. And not a course of action any rational person should follow.
Maybe you and the OP need a copy of "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
It's your wedding. But it's her money. And, despite what every bride wants to believe, it's not all about her on her wedding day.
Weddings are a milestone in the lives of two families. You can't exactly ask Mom to pony up tens of thousands of dollars for a wedding that a large proportion of her friends and family probably can't even attend.
That's the problem with destination weddings, after all. If you have it in Hawaii or Italy or the Virgin Islands, you're not only asking people to spend a lot more money to attend than if you had it in your home town, but you're also essentially telling them where and when they are going to be taking their vacation. After all, you can fly anywhere in the continental United States for a three-day weekend. But once you start asking people to go overseas, it becomes an entirely different kettle of fish in terms of inconvenience. I mean, heck, only 30% of Americans even have passports. So you're telling them to go through a major pain in the ass before they even step on the plane.
To me, the irony is that you're implying that your mom's motivation is that she only wants to throw a big showy wedding for her friends and family. What the heck are you doing by having it in some tropical locale? To me, that's just the same kind of thing. It's just a different brand of ostentation.
Back to the point. Your mom may or may not be trying to outdo someone. That's not really the point. The point is that you're asking her to not only write the check, but to pay for something that she fundamentally disagrees with. So if you want your destination wedding, then knock yourself out. But do it with your own money.
Worth repeating this excellent post for several people here
When you ask somebody to go to a destination you are asking each person to spend 1k+ on travel and all accomodations. It's just not cool to assume that they will be willing to do that AND finance the wedding.
Go back to the first post.
Since the mom's initial plan was to spend $30,000-$50,000, and the OP is suggesting a destination wedding for $10,000, I don't think travel expenses are the issue for mom.
The OP never mentioned her mother saying anything about travel expenses. Her mother simply wants a large wedding and does not seem concerned about money whatsoever.
In fact, how do you know that travel or accommodation expenses are not already figured into the $10,000?
Reread cpg's post above - you are missing the point, but he "gets" it
No. I do get it. CPGs point about destination weddings is good advice for the general public, but it can't be applied universally.
You are ASSUMING that the OP has no idea if her guests can afford travel expenses or how they feel about it. Perhaps she has information you don't have and thinks a destination wedding is a good fit for them.
There are destination weddings where guests are inconvenienced because they don't have the time or money. Of course, they can decline to go.
There are also destination weddings where the guests are thrilled because they have the time and money and really want to go on the trip.
None of you has the slightest idea which category the OPs guests fall into.
Since the mom's initial plan was to spend $30,000-$50,000, and the OP is suggesting a destination wedding for $10,000, I don't think travel expenses are the issue for mom.
The OP never mentioned her mother saying anything about travel expenses. Her mother simply wants a large wedding and does not seem concerned about money whatsoever.
In fact, how do you know that travel or accommodation expenses are not already figured into the $10,000?
It's her mom's money. Maybe her mom thinks 30k on a big wedding in town where all her friends can come is worth it, but 10k to travel someplace and not get to have a big local wedding is NOT worth it?
We all value things differently. It's not an unemotional, dollars and cents thing.
And that is really up to the person with the money to make the call.
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