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All I can say is that I love my mommy!!! She puts my happiness first - and when I'm happy, she's happy. I hope to be as wonderful of a mother as she is!
HAVE THE DESTINATION WEDDING. Take it from someone who was told by her family that no-one would attend, so I backed down and got stuck having some fancy wedding at a hall with a bunch of people who I have no contact with and could have cared less if they saw me get married or not. I can honestly say, I didn't even have a good time at my own wedding and it def. was not the "best" day at my life.
All I can say is that I love my mommy!!! She puts my happiness first - and when I'm happy, she's happy. I hope to be as wonderful of a mother as she is!
Since the mom's initial plan was to spend $30,000-$50,000, and the OP is suggesting a destination wedding for $10,000, I don't think travel expenses are the issue for mom.
The OP never mentioned her mother saying anything about travel expenses. Her mother simply wants a large wedding and does not seem concerned about money whatsoever.
In fact, how do you know that travel or accommodation expenses are not already figured into the $10,000?
The travel expense is something the guests would have to shell out anyways. I'm not talking about expenses for the mom necessarily. Maybe she is thinking of collateral damage. Hawaii is not cheap. Round trip tix from Los Angeles (closest you can get) to Maui is $800+ during peak season. Accommodations can run up to 400/night in nice hotels. Her mom said she'd spend 30-50k for a wedding but there are stipulations. Nothing is free in this world. Of course she's not going to pay for something that she doesn't agree with and I don't think that should be taken as a slap in the face - only as a fact of life. My parents wouldn't buy me something that costs even $3 if they didn't approve of it 100%. That is life.
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Originally Posted by Shooting Stars
What is not fine is how many people on this thread want to demonize the OP for expressing a preference about her wedding to her mom.
She can express her preferences all she wants. But to assume that just cuz somebody promised you an amount of cash that it doesn't come with stipulations is kind of premature...
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Originally Posted by stan4
Um, so all your friends have their weddings in YOUR town and at your convenience?
Are you aware that a flight to Montana costs more than a flight to Hawaii or the Carib?
No, they do not all have weddings in my town, nor at my convenience. And they are perfectly understanding if I cannot go. And vice versa. Nobody gets all huffy about it. A destination wedding is totally fine for people who want it and can afford it, but don't expect everyone (including family) to show up. Not all my family showed up for my wedding and I am not going to cry about it. It is so silly to expect everything to happen perfectly or the way that you want it, just because you are the bridezilla. Lots of people don't have the luxury of having a dream wedding. A wedding is a wedding. A married couple will have the rest of their lives together.
For the same summer weekend,
LAX to Maui = 800+
LAX to Butte, MT = 600+
Wow! I never once stated that I was "entitled" to my moms money to pay for my wedding. She's told me before that she will pay for my wedding.... now all of a sudden b/c it's not what she wants, she's not paying. I NEVER expected ANYTHING from my parents. This is how I was raised - independent. All they did was keep a roof over my head and food on the table. I purchased my own car, I enrolled myself into college, I learned how to cook, I saved up thousands for a down deposit on a condo, I did all of this without any of my parents' help. My parents never sat down with me and explained what buying a home entails. Never sat down with me and helped me through the college application process. Never explained to me about saving, checking accounts, credit cards, etc. I learned on my own and from my peers... My mom came ONCE to see a house I liked but she made faces and said the place was ugly, dirty, etc.. Don't you think from all the years of doing this on my own since I was a teen, they should be PROUD and WANT to do something nice for me since I'm their successful daughter?!!!! (my sister is getting nowhere in life, no goals, no good job, parents STILL pay her bills at 23y/o) after everything I've accomplished? A token of pride by doing what it takes to see me happy? I would be saving them money at the end of the day.
You see, I don't expect them to pay.. however, I do expect them to be parents and not turn their backs on me because I want something different.
I'm pouting because my family is making me really upset. They're not happy for me, and they are treating me like I'm an adopted child. That's reality - I have no one else to help me through this... that's why I came here for advice from random strangers to see if I'm in the wrong, or if they are... and the reason why I have little use for my family, is because after all these years (I'm 26 now) they've done nothing for me and if there's no solution to this wedding drama, I'm washing my hands of them.
Oh you poor thing. You got the reincarnation of my deceased mother to somehow inhabit your own mother. I genuinely feel heartsick for you. As someone who had this exact same mother, here's some advice:
The whole point of getting married is to leave the family you were born into and create a whole NEW family with your husband. That means your husband and your marriage are now your #1 Priority, not your mother, not your siblings, not anyone. If they don't like what you and your soon-to-be husband are doing to start your lives together, EFF them. Seriously.
I know how badly it hurts to have done so well with your life and want your mother to be proud of you instead of critical. You are going to have to get over it. She will never change. Ever.
Now is the most critical time to stand up to your mother. If you don't, she will meddle in your marriage for the rest of her life. She may try even though you do stand up to her, but she won't be surprised when you continue to stand up to her after you're married. Set the tone now for how much interference in your decisions you're willing to tolerate. If you don't, you will be miserable.
Your mother's way too self-centered to let you get married without being there. Trust me. And I'll bet when it comes down to it, she'll give in on wanting to pay something towards it, too (it's her only means of controlling you!). Don't let her pay for anything but her own personal expenses.
BE HAPPY! Be proud of YOURSELF! You don't need her approval anymore (even if it would be nice).
Have the FANTASTIC wedding of your dreams (I did!!)
MAZEL TOV!!
I know it sound harsh, but my wedding day (and all the weeks leading up to it), was the one time I felt truly grateful that my mother was dead. I shudder to think of how miserable she'd have made me if she were alive.
The travel expense is something the guests would have to shell out anyways. I'm not talking about expenses for the mom necessarily. Maybe she is thinking of collateral damage. Hawaii is not cheap. Round trip tix from Los Angeles (closest you can get) to Maui is $800+ during peak season. Accommodations can run up to 400/night in nice hotels. Her mom said she'd spend 30-50k for a wedding but there are stipulations. Nothing is free in this world. Of course she's not going to pay for something that she doesn't agree with and I don't think that should be taken as a slap in the face - only as a fact of life. My parents wouldn't buy me something that costs even $3 if they didn't approve of it 100%. That is life.
She can express her preferences all she wants. But to assume that just cuz somebody promised you an amount of cash that it doesn't come with stipulations is kind of premature...
No, they do not all have weddings in my town, nor at my convenience. And they are perfectly understanding if I cannot go. And vice versa. Nobody gets all huffy about it. A destination wedding is totally fine for people who want it and can afford it, but don't expect everyone (including family) to show up. Not all my family showed up for my wedding and I am not going to cry about it. It is so silly to expect everything to happen perfectly or the way that you want it, just because you are the bridezilla. Lots of people don't have the luxury of having a dream wedding. A wedding is a wedding. A married couple will have the rest of their lives together.
For the same summer weekend,
LAX to Maui = 800+
LAX to Butte, MT = 600+
Either one would suck.
That's weird...I'm going to Hawaii from TEXAS and can get a nonstop flight for $600 a person roundtrip.
I went to Montana for a conference (Bozeman) and there just aren't enough flights - almost $1800 for both of us WITH a stop in Denver.
The point is that no matter where you have your wedding, people are going to have to shell out dough to come and shell out dough to stay.
We go to Hawaii every year, and I can promise you that you can stay there for WAY less than $400 a night. Especially if you plan ahead and go with other couples. In fact, my bro just stayed at the freakin' RITZ on Maui and paid about $400 a night just last year.
Every time I have gone to Maui, I have gotten beach hotel (Westin, Royal Lahaina) + breakfast, car (always a convertible), and roundtrip nonstop airfare (all of this for two) for about $3200.
Again, though, I agree...if you want things your way, pay for it yourself.
I can't imagine not loving my child enough to give a damn about how she'd like to have her wedding day.
If the OP thinks back over her life, she'll find her mother has had "better" ideas about just about everything she's done in her life; where she chose to live, how she decorated her home, the job she chose, where she vacationed. Anything and everything no matter how trivial.
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I can't imagine not working together to find some arrangement we'd both be happy with.
That's because you aren't selfish/jealous/angry, whatever emotion that drives some mothers to disapprove of whatever their adult daughters do.
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I can't imagine manipulating my child with money.
When you're a control freak, you'll use any means necessary, including and especially money, to manipulate people to do what you want. Money is a powerful weapon.
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And I especially can't imagine telling my child that if she didn't get married the way I wanted, that I wouldn'tevenbethere.
If I were her mom, and she said that to me, I'd open the door for her and wave buh-bye. However, I never would have promised to pay several thousand for a wedding either. I don't think anyone, these days, should expect their parents to finance such extravagance.
Same here - I was just going by what the OP said about her relationship with her family. She's never felt close to them anyhow, doesn't think she and her mother have anything in common, doesn't care if she ever sees them.
It doesn't sound like the daughter cares much for her mother or any of her family in the first place and the money right now is the really big issue.
Why wouldn't the daughter just decide the decline the money for the big wedding, and just plan to pay she and her fiance to pay for it? Why have it even be an issue? A gift is just a gift, if you don't want the gift, fine - don't take it.
Wow. Pretty harsh. And not a course of action any rational person should follow.
Maybe you and the OP need a copy of "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
Actually I'm with you on this - but from what the OP was saying about her distant relationship with her family in the first place and the little love and respect she has for her mother even apart from this, I think it's just the logical course.
It seems to me it comes down to this - she wants her mother to hand over the money and if not, she doesn't intend to keep her in her life. She might as well come out and be direct with her mother.
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I never once stated that I was "entitled" to my moms money to pay for my wedding. She's told me before that she will pay for my wedding.... now all of a sudden b/c it's not what she wants, she's not paying. I NEVER expected ANYTHING from my parents. This is how I was raised - independent. All they did was keep a roof over my head and food on the table. I purchased my own car, I enrolled myself into college, I learned how to cook, I saved up thousands for a down deposit on a condo, I did all of this without any of my parents' help. My parents never sat down with me and explained what buying a home entails. Never sat down with me and helped me through the college application process. Never explained to me about saving, checking accounts, credit cards, etc. I learned on my own and from my peers... My mom came ONCE to see a house I liked but she made faces and said the place was ugly, dirty, etc.. Don't you think from all the years of doing this on my own since I was a teen, they should be PROUD and WANT to do something nice for me since I'm their successful daughter?!!!! (my sister is getting nowhere in life, no goals, no good job, parents STILL pay her bills at 23y/o) after everything I've accomplished? A token of pride by doing what it takes to see me happy? I would be saving them money at the end of the day.
