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Sorry in advance, as this is going to be long. And while this is a wedding issue, it is also a dealing with divorce issue and dealing with people not getting along, so I went with "relationships" in general, hoping to get perspective of those who have been through stuff like this at other events, not just weddings.
My fiancee and I are getting married in his hometown. We are having the wedding at a church and the reception at his sister's house. His sister has recently remarried (luckily we all love the new guy) but the issue is her ex husband. My fiancee grew up with this person in his life and married to his sister, in fact my fiancee was 12 when they got married and is 38 now (There is a 14 year age difference between my fiancee and his sister). The divorce was nasty and as a result, the sister does not want the ex-husband at the wedding or the reception. I understand this, and my fiancee said that he did, but he also feels that at his wedding, he should be able to invite those he wants there and that if any one at the wedding has issues with anyone else, they can deal as it is a wedding. (We are in the process of the final guest list, so this all just came up today)
I see both sides. And it is difficult for me, as I have only known the ex-husband as the problematic ex-husband, as the divorce was in process when I met my fiancee. My impression of the ex is not all that positive, although I am aware I met him at one of the low points of his life, so I am willing to say that as things change (he is also remarried) then I may see more of him that I can appreciate. It has been 3 years, (but the divorce was REALLY nasty) so to me, there is no emotional connection either way, as the divorce was over about 6 months after the fiancee and I got together and before I met the sister or the ex. Hence most of the issue I am having is I really don't know the guy, and having him there would be for my fiancee to have him there, but would also irritate his sister. So, part of me says I should tell his sister she can deal, but it is her brother's wedding, so she should get to enjoy it. and both of them seem to be expecting me to really care and decide for them, if that makes sense. The whole "well, its the bride's day let her decide". I have seen the ex at other events, and while he and the sister avoid one another, there were no issues. In fact their son was recently married, and they managed to even pose in the same pictures.
My fiancee looks at this man as an older brother. His sister sees him as a nightmare. The reception is at her house, which gives her say...but at the same time, we are paying for the entire reception and were initially going to have it somewhere else, but she REALLY wanted to have it at her house, and in fact started painting and cleaning, and sending us photos, to show how much she wanted it to be at her house. Said she feels like the location is her gift to us. (And it is a really nice location) Which makes my fiancee say we should be able to use the gift as we wish and invite the ex.
Part of me wants to invite him to just the wedding and not the reception, as his sister will likely be at the house preparing for the reception (again she volunteered for this, says she wants to do it) but there really is no nice way to say "Come to the actual wedding then make yourself scarce" and it isn't like everyone wouldn't see him there and know who he was. So, we either invite him or not, but to both.
Thoughts? Suggestions? Does anyone have one of those wands they use in the Men In Black movies I can borrow to get rid of someone's memory?
My advice is to not invite him to the wedding. The feelings of the groom's family are important, and the last thing you want is awkwardness and painful interactions. The focus is too easily deflected from the happy event to family tensions and drama, so do whatever you can to avoid that!
Likely the uncle in law is not itching to come either. I suggest you do something with him (take him out for a nice dinner before the wedding for example) so he feels part of the couple's happiness.
The polite rule for planning a wedding is to ensure good experiences for your guests--and do it on a hierarchy with immediate family at the top. Who (and how many) will be hurt if X happens, vs who (and how many) will be hurt if Y happens?
Weddings are for joining families, not just a creating a grand stage for the bride and groom.
^ About as good an answer as you could ask for. Let the guys play golf together or whatever they like to, some other time; but keep the wedding drama-free.
Sorry in advance, as this is going to be long. And while this is a wedding issue, it is also a dealing with divorce issue and dealing with people not getting along, so I went with "relationships" in general, hoping to get perspective of those who have been through stuff like this at other events, not just weddings.
My fiancee and I are getting married in his hometown. We are having the wedding at a church and the reception at his sister's house. His sister has recently remarried (luckily we all love the new guy) but the issue is her ex husband. My fiancee grew up with this person in his life and married to his sister, in fact my fiancee was 12 when they got married and is 38 now (There is a 14 year age difference between my fiancee and his sister). The divorce was nasty and as a result, the sister does not want the ex-husband at the wedding or the reception. I understand this, and my fiancee said that he did, but he also feels that at his wedding, he should be able to invite those he wants there and that if any one at the wedding has issues with anyone else, they can deal as it is a wedding. (We are in the process of the final guest list, so this all just came up today)
I see both sides. And it is difficult for me, as I have only known the ex-husband as the problematic ex-husband, as the divorce was in process when I met my fiancee. My impression of the ex is not all that positive, although I am aware I met him at one of the low points of his life, so I am willing to say that as things change (he is also remarried) then I may see more of him that I can appreciate. It has been 3 years, (but the divorce was REALLY nasty) so to me, there is no emotional connection either way, as the divorce was over about 6 months after the fiancee and I got together and before I met the sister or the ex. Hence most of the issue I am having is I really don't know the guy, and having him there would be for my fiancee to have him there, but would also irritate his sister. So, part of me says I should tell his sister she can deal, but it is her brother's wedding, so she should get to enjoy it. and both of them seem to be expecting me to really care and decide for them, if that makes sense. The whole "well, its the bride's day let her decide". I have seen the ex at other events, and while he and the sister avoid one another, there were no issues. In fact their son was recently married, and they managed to even pose in the same pictures.
My fiancee looks at this man as an older brother. His sister sees him as a nightmare. The reception is at her house, which gives her say...but at the same time, we are paying for the entire reception and were initially going to have it somewhere else, but she REALLY wanted to have it at her house, and in fact started painting and cleaning, and sending us photos, to show how much she wanted it to be at her house. Said she feels like the location is her gift to us. (And it is a really nice location) Which makes my fiancee say we should be able to use the gift as we wish and invite the ex.
Part of me wants to invite him to just the wedding and not the reception, as his sister will likely be at the house preparing for the reception (again she volunteered for this, says she wants to do it) but there really is no nice way to say "Come to the actual wedding then make yourself scarce" and it isn't like everyone wouldn't see him there and know who he was. So, we either invite him or not, but to both.
Thoughts? Suggestions? Does anyone have one of those wands they use in the Men In Black movies I can borrow to get rid of someone's memory?
His sister needs to grow up and keep her distance from him as he attends the event.
If the sister sees him as a nightmare I don't see why you would invite him. It doesn't seem as your fiancee has much empathy for his sister's feelings.
Yes, it is more complex that the reception is as her house, even though you are paying for everything.
My spouse and I both have siblings that are divorced. We could never see inviting the exes in this situation.
You really can't invite him. You don't want your relationship with your new sister-in-law to start off on the wrong foot. If you invite the ex your day could be ruined by two very immature adults. Not worth the risk. Your husband will agree and back you up, if he doesn't you may want to reconsider your own choice in a spouse. Good Luck!
The ex shouldn't be at the wedding/reception. The reception is at the sister's house and she is still family, while this guy is not. Inviting him could end up causing a family rift that lasts for years. The ex shouldn't even WANT to come. I know I sure as heck wouldn't put myself in this situation if I was him. Your husband and his buddy should have some respect for his sister. It's completely disrespectful to invite her ex.
^ About as good an answer as you could ask for. Let the guys play golf together or whatever they like to, some other time; but keep the wedding drama-free.
This is the direction I am leaning, honestly. I just wanted other opinions to make sure I am not missing something due to my lack of personal feelings, and lack of personal relationship, toward the person in question, if that makes sense.
If the sister sees him as a nightmare I don't see why you would invite him. It doesn't seem as your fiancee has much empathy for his sister's feelings.
Yes, it is more complex that the reception is as her house, even though you are paying for everything.
My spouse and I both have siblings that are divorced. We could never see inviting the exes in this situation.
He does have empathy for his sister. His issue is that he feels like his sister is requesting that he not invite someone who he feels is like a brother to him.
He is also, I think, frustrated because the sister is inviting the parents of the new husband (whom none of us have ever met...the parents, not the new husband) in order to make them feel included, according to her, as they are now part of the family...but expecting the ex to cut ties due to the divorce. *sigh*
The ex shouldn't be at the wedding/reception. The reception is at the sister's house and she is still family, while this guy is not. Inviting him could end up causing a family rift that lasts for years. The ex shouldn't even WANT to come. I know I sure as heck wouldn't put myself in this situation if I was him. Your husband and his buddy should have some respect for his sister. It's completely disrespectful to invite her ex.
I agree. But I do also see why my fiancee wants him there, he grew up with him from the time he was 12, as a member of the family. They were married for 22 years. So, it is not like the ex was never a part of the family...it is just a tough situation. I am leaning toward not inviting him, but at the same time I am a little frustrated at the sister who is adding and deleting people to the guest list. yes, she is asking each time...but to remove someone my fiancee sees as family because it makes her unhappy for him to be there while adding someone none of us knows (the parents of her new husband) because she feels they should be there is tough to take, LOL.
I guess my issue is that if she can have people she wants there, my fiancee should be able to as well without creating drama.
But the guest list was just finalized, and the ex is not on it.
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