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Is the husband supporting you and the bride? I really think HE needs to tell his mother to back the heck up.
I suspect the bride will need him to that a lot during their marriage.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elliedee25
I did not receive a response from her, but a few hours later, the bride called me. Apparently the MIL was upset about the text (as I'd expected), showed her son, the groom, and the groom told the bride that I'd "kicked his family out of the shower." Now, for the first time, the bride is insisting on having just one large shower. The whole time leading up to now (and we've been discussing ideas for several months), she had described to me a small, backyard shower, and she was fine with the idea of splitting it into 2, especially because the families live about an hour away from each other. So I have a feeling this new push for one shower is due to the MIL's reaction. I told the bride she should not have to deal with this, and that I would talk to the MIL directly.
I just have no idea what to do now though. This has gotten way out of hand. I was sitting here after all of this commotion thinking that I didn't even want to be in this wedding anymore. I'm going have to be at all the fittings, rehearsal dinner, and wedding, and half the people there are going to hate me. But I DO want to be there for my best friend. I'm not actually going to give up my spot. I wouldn't do that to my best friend. No matter what, I will be there for her on her big day and leading up to it. I just really hate drama, and this is all totally unnecessary. I just don't even know where to go from here.
Yea, honestly at this point, you're in a dilemma in regards to your friendship.
Obviously, the MIL is beyond "a bit pushy"-- as to why anyone would want to downplay that is beyond me. And what's worse, seems everyone is doing what they can to enable that. The fact that the groom quickly bit into his mother's melodramatic antics instead of backing up and objectively assessing the situation and the bride being too quick to acquiesce isn't going to help your cause, OP. Half the people hating you should be the least of your worries.
You might have to have a sit down heart to heart talk and express your concern about the MIL and her future with this husband and family. It's already going to hell, all because it's not going the way the MIL wanted. You need to ask the Bride if she wants you to continue to be the MOH (which would mean that you do things the way YOU AND THE BRIDE want) or if there's an alternative that's more able to handle things the way the MIL wants. This doesn't mean you can't throw her a party if you're no longer the MOH. By all means, do that because it looks like the bride has still more to lose and it would be nice for her to know she still has her friends and family.
Wow! This is completely ridiculous. I think you've done all you can do. The bride is probably feeling really torn between not asking too much of you, and trying to keep her mom happy. She should be more solidly on your side.
Can you do cake and punch for the large number of people for a reasonable amount of money? That's probably the choice I'd give the bride (not her mom). 30-40 people for a back yard lunch, or 100 people for cake. I don't know if you can even do just cake at banquet facility, though. Is there a church hall, or something you could use?
Man, people can be so selfish!
It is NOT her mother. It is the bride's future MIL.
I'm finding this whole scenario so outrageous that I'm having a hard time even believing this post is genuine (sorry, when a brand new poster posts outlandish things, us old timers have red flags that go up.)
IF this OP is genuine, OP needs to simply put her foot down. I have never in my life heard of a 100 guest shower. It is very common for one small shower to be for friends, one for bride's family, one for groom's family, and maybe even other showers for work, church, or neighbors.
If your best friend actually expects you to give in to MIL's demands, she's no friend. I'd pull out of the wedding completely before I'd be bullied by this unreasonable woman. MIL has NO right to dictate the guest list for an event that you are hosting. None. Zero. And she would be the first person I crossed off the list.
Very simple, actually. Stop being pushed around.
I don't blame you one bit for not believing any of this. I wouldn't believe it either if I weren't living it. I actually did make this account specifically to get some feedback on this situation because at some points during this mess and with the amount of backlash I've received, I actually start to wonder if maybe I'M the one in the wrong. I've asked family and friends, as well as the other bridesmaids about it, and they always tell me the MIL is the one who needs to back off, but I wanted to get some input from people who are not invested in either party.
I did put my foot down. That's exactly why things blew up even more. After she refused to compromise with me, I texted her and said (and I'm paraphrasing here)...
we have decided to hold a small shower for the bride's close family and friends. The bridesmaids talked it over, and decided that this is what works best for us, so this is our final decision. If you'd like to throw a shower for your own side of the family, our original date is still free. I'd love to have you at our shower, so I will send you an invite in the mail.
That info got back to my friend, the bride, and she called me and insisted that I hold one shower. I'm not proud of it, but I did end up getting a little angry on the phone after she kept insisting. I said "you understand that I have no reason to believe this is what YOU actually want, right? You've told me multiple times before that you wanted a small backyard shower, and now all of a sudden after your MIL gets upset, you're telling me you want one big shower?? How am I supposed to believe this isn't all her influence and you're just giving in to her?" She insisted that wasn't the case. I told her many times throughout the call that I'd take care of it, and she should not be concerned about this, as she has enough to worry about. I ended up apologizing later that night for getting upset at her, but this is my dilemma. It seems very clear to me that this is all the MIL's influence...but what if it isn't? What if she actually DOES want a big shower now? I guess I could argue that she shouldn't be changing her mind on me, but we are planning this pretty far ahead of time, so it's not totally unreasonable to think she's changed her mind.
I've also now got the groom's mother AND sister trying to tell me that I'm wrong to have done this. I was actually told by his sister that the MIL is very upset that she hasn't been included in any decisions. My brain almost exploded when I heard that one. Seriously?! Had I not tried to include her in any decisions, I wouldn't be in this mess! So I'm not sure if she just being fed incorrect info from her mother, or if she's actually going to fight me on this too. Basically, what I'm dealing with is a woman that is not used to NOT getting her own way, and apparently this is how she handles it...by lashing out and making the me look like the bad guy, so everyone sympathizes with her and tells me I'm wrong.
Yea, honestly at this point, you're in a dilemma in regards to your friendship.
Obviously, the MIL is beyond "a bit pushy"-- as to why anyone would want to downplay that is beyond me. And what's worse, seems everyone is doing what they can to enable that. The fact that the groom quickly bit into his mother's melodramatic antics instead of backing up and objectively assessing the situation and the bride being too quick to acquiesce isn't going to help your cause, OP. Half the people hating you should be the least of your worries.
You might have to have a sit down heart to heart talk and express your concern about the MIL and her future with this husband and family. It's already going to hell, all because it's not going the way the MIL wanted. You need to ask the Bride if she wants you to continue to be the MOH (which would mean that you do things the way YOU AND THE BRIDE want) or if there's an alternative that's more able to handle things the way the MIL wants. This doesn't mean you can't throw her a party if you're no longer the MOH. By all means, do that because it looks like the bride has still more to lose and it would be nice for her to know she still has her friends and family.
Yes, that's a big thing I'm worried about..these people are going to be her family in less than a year, so I don't want to causes issues with them that will impact my friendship with the bride, but I fear that damage is already being done. I certainly would not put it past the MIL to make her opinion of me known to the masses...but I am also doubtful, knowing my friend, that she has actually stood up to the MIL as much as she needs to. I've actually been feeling more and more like this wedding could possibly mark the end of our friendship, but certainly not because I want it to.
And yes, since the beginning of this thread, I have learned just how much of an understatement it was when I was told that she's "a bit pushy."
I have thought of stepping down. I really hate to do that to my friend though, so thus far, I've sort of just kept it as a possibility in the back of my mind. Also, it may sound bad, but I also don't want to step down because it's EXACTLY what the MIL would want. But you're right, I could do something special for her even if I do step down. I'm really going to try to work this out before I seriously consider that.
At the first hint of the future mother in law's tantrum I would have handed it all off to her and turned in my maid of honor card.
There is no way I have the time, energy nor patience to deal with something and someone so drama filled.
I will quietly sit at the back of the ceremony and bring a gift to the reception or I will be conveniently busy the day of the event washing my toe nails.
OP: So you do not want to give in to the mother in laws demands because it is what she wants but you don't want to step down because it is what she wants?
Time to make a choice and be honest with your friend about the reason why you made whatever choice you make.
OK. THIS is not on you - I don't care how many people get mad at you. I would keep the bride in the loop before you take action, just so she is not blinded sided.
The MIL is multiple words I cannot use on this site, and one I rarely use.
I would not longer "negotiate" with her.
Tell her that is NOT the shower you are throwing, you have nothing to do with the shower the "MIL" wants.
Tell her she is free to do what ever she thinks is right, but there will be not further discussion from your side. Ignore anything else she does.
Then just go have the shower you had originally planned.
Is the husband supporting you and the bride? I really think HE needs to tell his mother to back the heck up.
I suspect the bride will need him to that a lot during their marriage.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Before any planning began, the groom told me to let him know if he needs to tell his mother to back off. However, once I announced that the bridesmaids would be holding a separate shower for the bride's family and friends, and after his mother got upset, he did NOT tell her to back off, in fact, he went to the bride and complained to her that I am "kicking his family out of the shower." So I have a feeling he is not going to be of any help in dealing with his mother.
Can the bride, apologize to her that you will be stepping down as maid of honor.
Who cares if it's what the MIL wants? You going to take out a loan to plan the party the MIL wants?
This is absurd, and you squaring off with the MIL is more absurd.
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