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Sorry this is SO long but I REALLY need help with this soon. I'm beyond exhausted and frustrated about this. Please if someone could help, and skim through if needed. I needed to provide details so you'd have a better understanding of my current situation. Please help someone! So stressed over my coworker' total BS!
My coworker (who is unfortunately a step away from my in my cube) is trying to force me be her BFF/she's emotionally smothering and highly sensitive (manipulative/lies about everything for no reason). Never, ever been through this before and this is just horrible.
So Lindsee and I used to be very close (not bffs though) both in and out of work for a lil less than a year. We're just casual friends now (I made it that way, otherwise, if left up to her, we'd be hanging out everyday). We hang out maybe once every couple of weeks now (not by choice, but out of keeping her temporarily happy). In the beginning, she and I instantly clicked as friends as we have very similar personalities, tastes, outlooks on life etc. We still really do click now, however, she is still a highly toxic person. I had absolutely NO idea that she was a liar, she was manipulative, emotionally unstable, a huge gossip and into anything drama-related, is passive-aggressive when I don't "spend time with her". I've realized that she is a very lonely and miserable person. I wish I knew this before I had gotten close to her. She did a complete bait and switch!
My huge issue with her is the fact that she is SO effin codependent, needy and is EXTREMELY smothering and manipulative (I had no idea she was like this). She has absolutely NO life, is in denial about her alcoholism, and barely has 1 friend aside from me but that friend too, rarely hangs with her (hmmm, I wonder why!). She used to call me 1-3x a day EVERY single day for 3 months and send up to 4 texts a day for no reason at all (usually drama related which I am not into so I just gave her very brief responses.. she's into gossip/celeb news and I try my best to stay away). She took a short break from calling/texting when I told her I was "really busy/I have goals and other things I need to accomplish" however, she started back up this past Friday and Saturday (today's Sunday), pretending that she was okay with us not hanging out but then seething and being passive aggressive to me, saying : "Well I am a people person, I throw out invites to everyone, I have so many other friends I could hang out with" (hahaha yeah right! She only talks about one other person and even THAT person rarely hangs out with her. She is not fooling me one bit, plus she is a huge liar so that's another reason why I hate her).She is not fooling anyone but herself!
One of the reasons I'm not completely honest about her being an emotional leech and vampire is because she is SO incredibly sensitive but of course pretends she is not (liar). One of the biggest reasons why I don't like her now is bc she is a HUGE liar and I have on several occasions caught her in lies, which is ridiculous bc she had/has in general absolutely no reason to lie. I know that the reason she is so smothering to me is bc she experienced the death of her father whom she was very close with and husband that happened within a 3 month span that happened close to 6 years ago which is highly apparent to me why she is so needy. She told me she is not over it and I cannot tell her to seek counseling bc she will be very offended and will start crying. I've tried being there, uplifting/being positive/encouraging towards her but she is just trying to have me keep her company in her own
misery. She is just a lost cause in my opinion because she doesn't want to seek help/doesn't want to change and I REFUSE to be her 'go to' emotional punching bag. I hate her for this.
Why is MY problem that I have to be harassed all the time to hang out just bc SHE didn't get her emotional issues together? I have tried being there for her but she doesn't seem to get that I cannot, will not, and refuse to be everything to her (she does not have a bf or husband, no kids). I have a husband and 3 young children to provide for, yet she gets upset and pretends she isn't when I can't hang out and makes passive aggressive comments bc she has expectations (bffs, ha!) of how our friendship should be. In the beginning, we were close but then I saw her true colors, trying to make me feel guilty for not hanging out and being passive aggressive to me when I was busy, how emotionally fragile/unstable she was and saw she was harassing me with calls/texts everyday. I slowly kept making myself more and more busy when she wanted to hang out as again she cannot handle being let down cause of her unresolved issues).
What should I do? I told her via text that she may need to find another friend to give her more time she needs as I'm usually pretty busy/working on things that I really need to accomplish. She has been a great friend for almost a year however, I absolutely resent her for:
1) Expecting me to talk to her at work as much as she does with me (her trying to force me to be her BFF, which will NEVER happen). She is crazy!
2) She wants things to go back to status quo before I found out she was highly emotionally unstable
3) She makes passive aggressive comments when I don't talk to her as much as work/in general and I just don't know how I should be around her as #4) She is extremely sensitive and will lie to pretend that "I can tell her anything" or "she is totally fine if we don't hang out when really, she is angry/hurt and thinks I'm flat out rejecting her (when I am actually busy dangit!). She says that "I'M" the one that is taking things so seriously and it's "no big deal that we can't hang out" and that she is totally chill with whatever (haha right, Liar!) but then deep down I know she resents me for not dropping everything and hanging out with her (and secretly hates me for not being her bff like she's desperately trying to force me to be). This girl is SO full of emotional baggage/drama and is bat sh** crazy!!
She places these really STUPID expectations on me, like she asks me "how was your lunch/how was this or that?" (seems harmless right? but I HATE having to feel obligated to talk to her and ask her about how hers was, otherwise, she'll get passive aggressive and starts complaining about just about anything/everything. For the most part now, I hardly speak to her at work, whereas, in the past we were really close. I don't care if she could tell I don't want to be her friend. I seriously want this friendship to just die but she won't allow it (she tries to revive it every time, even though she is the only one putting forth all the effort). She is relentless and so lonely and desperate. I get that she has no self esteem which was why I used to be so encouraging to her, I don't chastise her for having a low-self esteem but what I do chastise her for is for trying to make me feel guilty for not "giving her all of my time and attention/getting angry that I have a family and life aside from her". Again, I have told her I am busy and that I have things I must work on but she keeps trying until she hears what she wants to hear. I get that I CAN only control myself and my responses which is my only saving grace in this, but at what point do I just say "man, just F you. You are not respecting me, my boundaries I'm respectfully asking you for, and you are just so jacked up". I really do not want to ever hang out with her after all of this.
Again, I cannot express how I truly feel to her bc she is SO sensitive and will cry seething as though I'M the bad person. I really hate her now and I cannot tell you how many fights my husband and I have had over this wretched person because he is saying "I should keep the peace and be nice to her at work and fake it if I have to - just for the sake of appearances, otherwise my workplace may be toxic". I just can't, I really just feel so emotionally exhausted because of her! I can't even fake the funk because of all the things I've mentioned above. I feel like this is a lose-lose situation all bc of HER unresolved emotional issues/unresolved emotional baggage! Why do I have to suffer because of her irresponsibility for not getting the help that she needs? I can only try to help so much, she is not helping herself and I'm suffering for it. Please help!
I quite reading when you stated that you hate her but earlier in your post you stated you still click.
You cannot have it both ways so it is highly unlikely that parts of your story are true.
I won't read the rest of your post but I will say if this person is so toxic as you claim then block her access to communicate outside of business hours.
During business hours answer any work related questions she may have then go back to work and say nothing more.
She will eventually walk away.
Anything beyond that you can either stay miserable at work and hope she finds another job or you can find another job.
I quite reading when you stated that you hate her but earlier in your post you stated you still click.
You cannot have it both ways so it is highly unlikely that parts of your story are true.
I won't read the rest of your post but I will say if this person is so toxic as you claim then block her access to communicate outside of business hours.
During business hours answer any work related questions she may have then go back to work and say nothing more.
She will eventually walk away.
Anything beyond that you can either stay miserable at work and hope she finds another job or you can find another job.
I meant that we click, by stating that we "still" have a lot in common however, that does not change the fact that she is a highly toxic person and that she is a deplorable person.
And I do and have been treating her just as another co-worker. She just does NOT get the hint, even when I told her to her face that "she should find someone else to talk to as I'm not available". And I'm not quitting over her emotional issues, it is just a huge pain in my a** to deal with her.
Nobody is forcing you to hang out or talk with this person.
Lol, I don't even know why you bothered replying. You obviously didn't read that I have to deal with her every single day and she is constantly harassing me. And I do have the power to ignore her and yet again, tell her to her face that I am not available to hang out with her but she does NOT respect boundaries nor give a crap that I have a life outside of her when I have clearly told her to basically, leave me alone.
Lol, I don't even know why you bothered replying. You obviously didn't read that I have to deal with her every single day and she is constantly harassing me. And I do have the power to ignore her and yet again, tell her to her face that I am not available to hang out with her but she does NOT respect boundaries nor give a crap that I have a life outside of her when I have clearly told her to basically, leave me alone.
Actually, I did read your sob story. All 2000 words of it.
Did you block her number through your cellular company?
Did you tell her directly that you do not wish to pursue a friendship outside of work?
No, you haven't. You're too worried about protecting her feeling and not looking like the bad guy in her eyes. That's the part where you need to grow up.
Actually, I did read your sob story. All 2000 words of it.
Did you block her number through your cellular company?
Did you tell her directly that you do not wish to pursue a friendship outside of work?
No, you haven't. You're too worried about protecting her feeling and not looking like the bad guy in her eyes. That's the part where you need to grow up.
I have already told her that I am too busy for her, and I have already clearly explained in my post (which you claimed to have read) that she is a highly sensitive person. I have made her cry because of the fact that I told her I'm busy and unavailable. I said that she plays it off like "it's no big deal, that I'M the one that is too serious when in fact, she turns it around and treats me like sh**, plays mind games which I largely ignore, because I know she's just trying to get her way. She is incredibly immature and difficult to talk to when she doesn't get her way, equivalent to a child. I'm saying HOW do I deal with this crap? You're not telling me the HOW of things.
And of course there is a concern of how she feels. Didn't you read that she is my CO-WORKER that sits a step away from me? Ever heard of sabotage, backstabbing, and lying/gossiping (which from my post, I have stated she is a HUGE liar and a gossiper?). Come on now, you cannot for one second pretend that I shouldn't be concerned about how it'll affect my work life because if I had it my way, I would've been a hell of a lot meaner to her than I already have, had I not had to deal with her BULL every day at work. And yes, for the most part I DO ignore her everyday and it's great. Have you ever heard of repercussions, and how in this situation, could potentially, seriously mess things up (Especially given HER type of personality, gossipy/lying?) Don't you think I already know that I have to set boundaries and be firm with her personality type? I already have but she Refuses to let this friendship DIE.
You clearly are no help at all and are seeing it just based on "tell her like it is" which I already have done, but you are not taking into consideration the WORK aspect of it. Garbage.
Excuses. You're not looking for suggestions, you're looking for commiseration.
You told her she "may" have to find another friend, not that you do not wish to have a friendship outside of work. In fact, read your own post - you'll see that you're leaving "outs" and being non-committal in all of your attempts to control the situation, since you're too afraid of her to be firm. There's your garbage.
If she's as much of a whack job as you claim, nobody else is going to care what she says, if she even says anything about you. So quit cowering and take some control.
Excuses. You're not looking for suggestions, you're looking for commiseration.
You told her she "may" have to find another friend, not that you do not wish to have a friendship outside of work. In fact, read your own post - you'll see that you're leaving "outs" and being non-committal in all of your attempts to control the situation, since you're too afraid of her to be firm. There's your garbage.
If she's as much of a whack job as you claim, nobody else is going to care what she says, if she even says anything about you. So quit cowering and take some control.
Haha! Okay man. You're obviously delusional to think that you know more than I do in this situation. You are just one person reading my story, you are not LIVING this, so get off your high horse.
And once again, you are completely leaving out the work aspect of things and if you think that just by blocking her, or by telling her straight up (which I already have) that I don't want to pursue a work friendship that things will be hunky dory. You live in a complete fantasy world. Again, as if my blocking her has no effect of the work dynamic. Puh-lease! I don't know what world YOU live in, but in my world, there is a delicate BALANCE, not just be a straight d*ck and then hoping and wishing that things will not be awkward at work. There has to be some level of balance, as like I stated, she was already emotional even when I was trying to spare her feelings and being nice to her. She cried when I was telling her nicely that I am busy and I have actual things to get done, instead of hanging out. Come on! Do not try to make it seem like it is SO easy when you have no idea how frustrating this person is. It is apparent to me that some of the things you are saying does not actually translate into real life. I can't just be like "hey, guess what? I don't want to talk to you anymore. F YOU!" and not expect to be some level of animosity in the work place. I've tried being really nice, and middle ground, now it's getting intolerable. Why don't you get that? It is just such a basic concept. I'm obviously not going to find any viable solutions here, especially not from you, as you do not understand how difficult and irrational this type of person is.
No. You will have some animosity. That will be the price of getting rid of her.
You cannot expect an irrational person to have a rational response and go away meekly. That's a dream world.
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