Please don't tell me I was lucky to be adopted (options, baby)
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I do think the title of the article should have been "Please stop telling me I was lucky to be adopted". If one reads the article, one can see that she is not "blaming everything on adoption" like some of the many commenters on that article are thinking - she is saying that she dislikes people telling her "You are lucky to be adopted" because for her to be in the position to be adopted, she had to lose a lot. Also, telling someone they are "lucky to be adopted" often makes that person feel that they have no right to complain about anything in life at all.
I am sure that anyone on this forum with adopted children, especially those from overseas, don't particularly like people coming up to them telling their children "You are so lucky to be adopted". Even if the adopted person themselves thinks they are lucky to be adopted, it doesn't necessarily mean that they want others telling them so.
A large number of the comments on the article totally proved the Shaaren's point - the sheer nastiness of some of the comments designed to put her in her place just showed that many of the commenters felt that she had no right to ever complain about anything at all - by golly, she should just be grateful she is allowed to breath the same air as them.
As an adoptive mom, I would never even think of telling anyone she or he is lucky to be adopted.
If you are adopted, it means that you have lost the feeling of security that comes from being loved and living with your birth parents, and in many cases, you have even lost who you ARE if you don't have the opportunity of learning about your heritage from your birth family. Plus, the simple fact is that if you are adopted, your parents abandoned you, whether through death, neglect/abuse, selfishness or selflessness (yes, people give kids up for both selfish and selfless, even heroic, reasons.) No amount of later love, care, material possessions, and "opportunities" can make up for that.
As an adoptive mom, I would never even think of telling anyone she or he is lucky to be adopted.
If you are adopted, it means that you have lost the feeling of security that comes from being loved and living with your birth parents, and in many cases, you have even lost who you ARE if you don't have the opportunity of learning about your heritage from your birth family. Plus, the simple fact is that if you are adopted, your parents abandoned you, whether through death, neglect/abuse, selfishness or selflessness (yes, people give kids up for both selfish and selfless, even heroic, reasons.) No amount of later love, care, material possessions, and "opportunities" can make up for that.
I completely disagree. I have 3 adopted kids and one bio kid plus 3 step kids.
I hate the word abandoned. Why not released or relinquished?
If a child is placed for adoption at birth there was little if any bonding with the birth mother and if she was placed in the arms of a loving and compassionate foster parent before permanent placement then there was no loss.
I know others believe differently but all 3 of our adopted kids are healthy and have no feelings of abandonment or loss.
Yes, they do not know their original culture through personal experience or from their birth family. But all three are old enough to know their lives took a major change in direction and one for the best because they were born into poverty and situations where they would have had no chance for education, proper health care or limitless opportunities for their futures like they have today. And we have never told them they are lucky to be adopted. On the contrary, we have told them WE are the lucky ones to be able to parent such wonderful people.
I completely disagree. I have 3 adopted kids and one bio kid plus 3 step kids.
I hate the word abandoned. Why not released or relinquished?
If a child is placed for adoption at birth there was little if any bonding with the birth mother and if she was placed in the arms of a loving and compassionate foster parent before permanent placement then there was no loss.
I know others believe differently but all 3 of our adopted kids are healthy and have no feelings of abandonment or loss.
Yes, they do not know their original culture through personal experience or from their birth family. But all three are old enough to know their lives took a major change in direction and one for the best because they were born into poverty and situations where they would have had no chance for education, proper health care or limitless opportunities for their futures like they have today. And we have never told them they are lucky to be adopted. On the contrary, we have told them WE are the lucky ones to be able to parent such wonderful people.
I am very glad that your experience was so positive. However, I think the key phrase in your post is what I bolded. It was my fault for not making it clear that I was talking about OLDER kids. Sorry.
Our kids were four and six when we adopted them, and the older one took the loss of her bio mom much harder than the younger one, although he was very traumatized, also.
I honestly have not heard of any kids who were adopted after the age of 18 months who did not suffer some kind of lasting damage -- although it IS true that some adapted much better than others and had much less apparent damage than others.
I would rather be adopted than live in chaos in an unhappy home.
See, the thing is, that the children don't always realize that what they have isn't the norm. Being adopted into another family doesn't really mean that one ends up in a "happy" home either. It is very complicated. I recently heard from someone that was removed from their home and they had a number of siblings removed. This was years ago but she stated that she was moved to a better situation with foster care and that the home she was adopted into probably was better in the long run but in her case, the people were just never "warm". That has to be hard. There is something about family whether they are winners or much less. I sometimes think the children feel that they have some how abandoned their parents. Maybe feel responsible for things that were not there fault.
I truly haven't heard anyone tell someone that they were lucky to be adopted. I don't know why someone would make such a stupid and ignorant comment. I surely understand that in a perfect world, every child would be born into the perfect home to the perfect parents who were in every way prepared and able to parent and that nothing would happen that would change that but.......
and I'm sure there are many people who wish they had been born into a different family or removed from their original family. There are certainly many things worse than "losing the culture of original family and missing out on the maternal bond" which for many just doesn't exist.
I completely disagree. I have 3 adopted kids and one bio kid plus 3 step kids.
I hate the word abandoned. Why not released or relinquished?
If a child is placed for adoption at birth there was little if any bonding with the birth mother and if she was placed in the arms of a loving and compassionate foster parent before permanent placement then there was no loss.
I know others believe differently but all 3 of our adopted kids are healthy and have no feelings of abandonment or loss.
Yes, they do not know their original culture through personal experience or from their birth family. But all three are old enough to know their lives took a major change in direction and one for the best because they were born into poverty and situations where they would have had no chance for education, proper health care or limitless opportunities for their futures like they have today. And we have never told them they are lucky to be adopted. On the contrary, we have told them WE are the lucky ones to be able to parent such wonderful people.
There is a difference between having a loss and feeling that loss.
For example, if a child is adopted in a closed adoption, they will have lost all connection to their origins. Many adoptees may not feel that loss but it doesn't mean the loss didn't happen.
For example, I am not sure that I necessarily felt a loss growing up as it was all abstract to me. Even making contact was originally more for "medical reasons" (I had discovered my bmom died young suddenly - one wants to know why (it was her heart)). When I made contact and started to know my bfamily and learn about my bmom, I started to feel feelings I didn't expect to feel. Reunion can be a great rollercoaster because of those feelings. I think I did start to realise what had been lost. That doesn't take away from my adoptive family. In fact, it is quite often because one does feel attached/bonded/connected to one's adoptive family that one does feel all the contradictory feelings. After 5 years, I think I am getting to a good stage of integrating things and I feel that my life is more "complete" now that it was before (even though I am not saying it was incomplete before).
It is often hard to say in public forums that one feels any loss at all because one tends to get belittled and ridiculed and told why one hasn't really felt a loss.
In my case, I am a domestic infant adoptee from the 60s. My adopted life is different to what my non-adopted life would have been - I cannot say it would have been better or worse - I can't comment on a life I haven't lived. I refuse to play the comparison game.
What I am usually happy to say is this: I am glad that I was raised in my own particular adoptive family - I wouldn't have wanted to be raised in any other adoptive family To me that shows that I love my adoptive family
However, depending on the context, having one's child tell you that they are glad they were adopted because the alternative is worse is quite often a rationalisation rather than a compliment. Be honest, is that what any parent wants? Who would want their child to be glad to be with them only because the alternative is worse. I read an opinion piece where the amother felt touched because her child said to her "I'm glad you adopted me because no-one else would have wanted me". Is that really something to feel touched by? I just felt sad when I read that.
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To me that shows that I love my adoptive family 
