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Hello. Maybe I am looking for some direction. Maybe I don't know what I am looking for.
I was adopted as an infant. Always knew I was adopted and it was never an issue. Have had a great life with no regrets.
My parents passed a few years back. It was then I got it in my head to find my bmom. Not looking for a "relationship." I have always been the curious type, and just want some answers. Guess some might call it "closure."
I have kids of my own and they are about to start their own families. The only time the adoption topic was ever and issue for me was with doctors. They ask questions about your family medical history... after saying several times "I don't have/know any family history" you eventually have to spell it out. I thought MDs were supposed to be smart... mine never seemed to catch on that fast. I always found that situation uncomfortable.
Anyway - I would really like to have some medical history to pass on to my kids.
For the past couple of years, I have been trying to track down my Bmom. With the little information I had available, it took a while. I recently connected all the dots and found her. I have a current address and phone number. I made a plan for contact.
That plan is failing miserably.
I tried calling. No answer. I tried again at a different time. No answer. Finally her daughter picks up and verified the person lived there - told me to call back. I called back... no answer.
This goes on about a week. I called from a different number and someone answered right away. They asked me to "call right back." I did and her daughter answers... sounded pretty ticked off. Asked me if I just called that number "sixteen times because the phone is ringing off the hook." Told her "no," but I had tried earlier in the week to no answer.
She again confirms it is the right number, but only agrees to take a message (Wouldn't say if the person was there at the time, although I am sure she was). I gave my real name and had to ask if she would take a call back number - she was ready to hang up. Told them it was a personal call and I knew the woman from many years ago. I have not received a call back and do not expect to. Pretty sure the message is not going to be passed on. Even it if was, no way my name would be recognized.
Their phone does not accept blocked calls. My gut feeling is that someone was there each time I called, but they just don't answer caller IDs they do not know. To me it looks like no one is home - to them it probably looks like some unknown person who keeps calling. What should have been a simple, discreet call has turned into a weird situation. Who would have thought a simple phone call could escalate into what they probably see as harassment. Personally, I think it would be easier to just answer the phone and ask that stranger to stop calling. I guess other people would rather get mad that the phone keeps ringing and not care why.
My wife thinks it is possible they know who I am and are intentionally avoiding me. I find that highly unlikely. My state has sealed records and all my information indicates that being highly unlikely. I think they are just strange, paranoid people.
I plan to write, explain who I am and ask for information on family medical history. Based on the phone call situation, the daughter will likely be the one to open any letter. I wanted to be discreet, but it seems that approach isn't going to work.
Any thoughts? The exchange on the phone has left me a bit angry about the whole situation. I'm sure that's just me reading into things. Is there a way to handle this more discreetly? Am I expecting too much?
You could try a letter. Make sure the address is hand printed and you use a 1st class stamp that has a nice picture. Or maybe even buy a greeting card and use that, so your letter doesn't get tossed out as junk mail
Then, do the DNA on Ancestry, go ahead and do your family tree, mother's side only if you don't know who your father is, and maybe you can come up with another close relative.
Just from what I read, often reunions do not go well.
I don't know what age group you are in, but if your birth mother is elderly, her children might be isolating her. Or she might be unwell. Face it, there is something dysfunctional about a family that gives away their children/grandchildren never to be seen again, so you really can not be too optimistic. Sometimes the reunion works, sometimes it doesn't.
It is so unfortunate that the robo calls/telemarketer calls, scam calls, etc. have taken over the phone system. I do not answer any calls unless I know the number is from a friend or relative. I do not return calls that are not specific.
I agree with the letter to her address. That way she has the information and can make a decision on whether to call to initiate the contact. You can explain what info you would like and also provide info about her grandkids.
Thanks for the suggestion. I tried to think through the letter idea.
I was planning send it Fedex, signature required. That way I know it is delivered and who received it. No one throws out a Fedex envelope. Inside the Fedex envelope, I would put the letter in a regular envelope that is hand addressed along with "personal and confidential." My concern was that another family member would get it and open it. Even more likely if sent as a greeting card. Especially an issue if the are "protecting" her.
I have good reason to believe she has all her faculties - certainly able to answer the phone and talk to people.
Did the DNA thing with Ancestry and other services a while ago. Between that and other resources, I have a pretty solid "family tree" mapped out on that side (and getting close on my Bfathers side). There is at least one of her siblings for which I have found contact info. Not sure I want to go that route as I don't want to "out" her. Based on that siblings age, there is a strong possibility she doesn't know. I cannot find any info of her older sibling who would likely know.
From what I have learned, she got pregnant as a senior in HS. After graduation she moved away and had me. I understand your point about people who give up children. On the other hand, a pregnant single HS girl in the late 50s/early 60s didn't have many options (now, they get their own cable TV show!). The "unwed mother" label carried quite the stigma back then for both girl and her family. Many women were coerced into giving up their kids. Others had little choice. I certainly don't know the actual circumstances (one of the things I would love to find out), but there are many possibilities. Not all are so dark. Not even considering the alternatives, it still turned out exceptionally well for me.
While the idea of contact not going well had crossed my mind, I never really believed that would happen. I'm just talking contact - not reunion. Sure, I would really like to meet this person face to face and have a conversation. That is just a "nice to have" and not something I ever expect(ed) to happen. There are no illusions of a "joyous reunion," nor am I looking for such. Frankly, I have enough guilt surrounding the search itself as it feels like a betrayal of my real parents. By no means am I looking for a new "mommy." I just want to fill in some big blanks in my life.
I never considered that a short phone conversation to get some medical history would be too much to ask.
It is so unfortunate that the robo calls/telemarketer calls, scam calls, etc. have taken over the phone system. I do not answer any calls unless I know the number is from a friend or relative. I do not return calls that are not specific.
I agree with the letter to her address. That way she has the information and can make a decision on whether to call to initiate the contact. You can explain what info you would like and also provide info about her grandkids.
hope it all works out.
You are so right about telemarketer calls. I get them daily and they are a major annoyance. My landline is never answered - it is 99.9% telemarketers (not sure why we still have a landline).
I have no choice but to answer unknown calls on my cell. It may be a client.
What makes this a little different (IMO) is that I did speak to someone. Made it clear it was a personal call. Left a real name and real number for call back. Ten seconds on Google and they would know I'm a real person and not a telemarketer. Of course, they still wouldn't know who the heck I was. Caller ID would show I called a few times (telemarketers don't call from the same number on a regular basis). If only to get me to stop calling, you figure they would call back. Or at least tell me to put them on a "do not call list" when I did make contact. Just seems like something strange is going on.
Guess the letter is the way to go. As mentioned, my fear is that the daughter will get it first (worse if the granddaughter gets it). I don't want to "out" her. Also, my guess is that the daughter will assume it is a scam and not even pass the letter along. Guess there aren't many options.
I do not agree that there must be something dysfunctional about a family that gives up a child for adoption and is never to be seen again. That is the situation with our son, adopted at 4 weeks with Down syndrome. The birthmother and birthfather felt that they could not care for our son and did what they thought was best. I would not want her condemned for going on with her life feeling confident that the family that she helped choose to raise her baby would be fine. It is much more common that someone that keeps their child under pressure from family comes from a dysfunctional family, and I have seen that where the child isn't cared for, but grandma is content.
That the daughter appears to be living with the mother, does this mean that the mother may be older and need the assistance of the daughter? Or would the daughter be young enough to still be at home with her mother?
At the point where OP called a few times, I would be creeped out also, and we just never know if phone calls might have been a problem in the past with the household.
It is a tough situation. The daughter may or may not know about the adoption. If the daughter is aware, perhaps either she feels the mother couldn't handle the contact or the mother has previously expressed that she would not want to be contacted.
I wish the OP luck, but advise that sometimes things are better left alone.
That the daughter appears to be living with the mother, does this mean that the mother may be older and need the assistance of the daughter? Or would the daughter be young enough to still be at home with her mother?
Definitely a possibility, but I have good reason to believe that's not the case. Can't get into too many details, but it is more likely the mother is living there to help the daughter.
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At the point where OP called a few times, I would be creeped out also, and we just never know if phone calls might have been a problem in the past with the household.
Unless these people are just plain nut-jobs, past problems are likely the reason for the paranoia. I get the possibility of being creeped out, but there was only one time the phone call actually connected to a real person. The rest of the time is was no answer. For all they know, it could have been wrong number. To my thinking a normal person would have told me to never call again, or something to that effect. Instead, they claimed to take a message and pass it on. That would almost seem to encourage me to keep calling if I don't eventually hear back. Just seems odd, and I don't know what to make of it.
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It is a tough situation. The daughter may or may not know about the adoption. If the daughter is aware, perhaps either she feels the mother couldn't handle the contact or the mother has previously expressed that she would not want to be contacted.
That all makes sense - however - they have no reason to suspect who is making contact. It's been over 50 years and I only just found her name. Virtually impossible that she knows who I am from caller ID. I can't believe they have lived in fear of every unknown caller all these years.
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I wish the OP luck, but advise that sometimes things are better left alone.
You are probably right, but this is something I can't leave alone. It is hard to explain the feeling of this information void in your life. Had my "non-identifying information" had anything of value it might not be so bad. It's just hard when you can't tell your daughter that she is high risk for breast cancer (or not), or your son that he is at high risk for heart disease (or not). Incredibly frustrating.
It's possible that they are hounded by bill collectors. That would explain why they wouldn't return any phone calls to an unknown name claiming to be a friend from the past.
One other possibility is maybe you could hire an advocate to actually go and ring the door bell and present your case diplomatically in person.
One other possibility is maybe you could hire an advocate to actually go and ring the door bell and present your case diplomatically in person.
Good ideas. I am going to look into those. The advocate route is probably a better place to start, but the PI idea is something to consider if all else fails.
Thanks.
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Hire someone to deliver the letter
