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Do you think a SAHD situation would turn off potential agencies?
I'll preface my response by saying that I haven't read the entire thread.
From a bmom's perspective:
If I had been reading your file, and found that you were a SAHD... that would've THRILLED me as I grew up without an active father in my life.
Just my two cents. Take it for what it's worth.
That's really good to hear. My dh would make a great SAHD. US culture is making strides when it comes to gender roles but some can be a bit short-sighted, imo. It would probably make for an interesting thread topic, though.
I know adoption has come up on this forum before, but from what I have been reading, I didn't find all the info I was looking for. I have visited a few adoption sites, but honestly, there's so much information that I become overwhelmed. Any way, we're considering adoption but the process seems like it would be hard and so time-consuming. I don't know if I'm wealthy enough to be able to adopt. So, some of my questions are-
How much did it cost you? My co offers 5K to help but that leads me to believe that it would be expensive.
How much savings did you need to show? And yearly income?
Do you think a SAHD situation would turn off potential agencies?
Did age matter? My dh and I are older (in our late 30's).
How about past arrest records? I think my dh was arrested once for disorderly conduct when he was 19 when going through his punk rock phase (numb nut). I'll have to ask him about that.
That's it for now. Thanks in advance!
There are many couples in their 30's and 40's trying to adopt. Being as people hold off trying to have children and some then find they are infertile, that age range is the one seen most often in adoption. You will need to do a homestudy and part of that is a criminal background check. If your husband had an arrest long ago, it will probably not be an issue, especially for disorderly conduct. Also part of the homestudy will be showing what you have in checking and savings. They do not expect you to be rich at all, certainly we were not when we adopted. It can be a very long process depending on what you are open to. The more open you are in adoption, the quicker the process. If you are open to either sex baby, any race you have a much better chance than someone only opened to a blue eyed, blond caucasian baby girl. Baby girls are the most requested and sought after of the 2 sexes. A stay at home dad should not be a problem. Usually the birthmother choose, so it is a matter of their likes and dislikes often. If you are open to an older baby, you might consider adoption overseas. The cost of adoption can vary so much. If you find a birthmother yourself that does not require living expenses it can cost very little. If you go through an agency and are particular about what you want it can cost $30,000+, and everything in-between.
To answer the question about bio-moms, I was a teen birthmother. I chose a much older couple because the only reason I could not keep my precious one was because of my age. I did not feel as though I could support him, and give him all of the things he needed. I wanted someone older, and established and secure to provide for him. So young birthmothers will naturally want older parents for their baby, much of the time.
As far as what they look for in the profiles, yes most of the time they want the emotional, pleading for a baby stuff, to a certain extent. They don't want to just hand their child over to anyone...they want someone who truly wants a baby and someone who they think will love them as much as the bio-mom would. I'm not good with the emotional stuff either, but it's what I looked for when choosing a couple.
Did you make one large payment, or was it segmented? And did you have to have a certain amount of savings? Why did you choose China?
We were required to make several payments during the paperwork process,depending on what part of the process you are in. Largest amount that needed to be paid at one time was towards the end,when ready for your travel assignment. We worked with a full service agency,so they arrange all of our travel for us,hotels and air. We honestly chose China because they seemed to have been the most fluent in the process than other countries we looked at,briefly albeit,but we did consider Russia and Korea for a short time. China doesn't typically change anything throughout their process ,it remains pretty consistent as far as policies and regulations regarding the adoptive parents,etc... Now unfortunately, some things have changed,China has become a little more stringent,such as not allowing single parents to adopt. The wait time has also dramatically increased for a child,with reasons really unknown and kind of all over the board at this point. Also,the children from China are healthier in general. Not really any major health issues,of course you can be put on a special needs request list and at that point,you would be referred a child with some medical needs. One note on this though is that what "they" consider to be major ,we here in the United States would not. An example would be a limb deformity,such as a finger or a toe,something that really is not going to cause major limitations or something that could easily be taken care of once the child is older here in the USA.
What were the home stuides like if you don't mind me asking?
We were so nervous about what to expect from the home studies but in the end,they were really nothing to worry about. Our social worker met with us 2x prior in addition to some things we needed to do on our own. We were each required to write a small biography of ourselves,what our childhood was like and how we see ourself as a parent. When the social workers come to your home,they really are there to get to know you,to be sure that you have thought this process through. They are not there to judge you or criticize you as a person. They do a walk thru of your home,but not a white glove test at all I am a neat/clean freak and I fine combed my house before thinking that is what they were looking for,but they just want to be sure your home is safe for a child. Were also required to give several references who were contacted and had to give written or oral references to the social worker. After you return with your child, there are 2 post placement visits required,one 6mos after placement,the last one is a year after being home with your child.
Again, thank you all so much for taking the time to share a bit of your experiences. I don't think we're ready right now considering all I have read. Perhaps we should wait for my dh to finish up his schooling so we're more secure financially and so I can spend time with myself considering my position on adoption. I'll keep you posted! And what's a year or two. My step-mom was 41 when we got my brother.
To answer the question about bio-moms, I was a teen birthmother. I chose a much older couple because the only reason I could not keep my precious one was because of my age. I did not feel as though I could support him, and give him all of the things he needed. I wanted someone older, and established and secure to provide for him. So young birthmothers will naturally want older parents for their baby, much of the time.
Exactly. I don't think my ego could've withstood relinquishing my baby to a couple not much older than me, however financially secure they might've been.
My age was the only reason i wasn't keeping my child.
Quote:
As far as what they look for in the profiles, yes most of the time they want the emotional, pleading for a baby stuff, to a certain extent. They don't want to just hand their child over to anyone...they want someone who truly wants a baby and someone who they think will love them as much as the bio-mom would. I'm not good with the emotional stuff either, but it's what I looked for when choosing a couple.
I found the "pleady" profiles a little embarrassing and patronizing.
I'm an emotionally reserved person myself, and was even back then.
I felt that those pleas were contrived, to some extent, to appeal to the egos of prospective birthmothers, although in retrospect, that probably wasn't the case. To be 100% frank (yes, I can be a cruel person) I remember reading parts of some of the more sentimental profiles outloud to my then-boyfriend, both of us laughing like loons.
Personally, I didn't want someone to tell me how selfless I was or how much they appreciated the wonderful 'gift' I was giving them.
I preferred more straightforward profiles that gave a lot of factual info about the adoptive parents.
Again, thank you all so much for taking the time to share a bit of your experiences. I don't think we're ready right now considering all I have read. Perhaps we should wait for my dh to finish up his schooling so we're more secure financially and so I can spend time with myself considering my position on adoption. I'll keep you posted! And what's a year or two. My step-mom was 41 when we got my brother.
I hope nothing we've said here has deterred you.
Good luck. You've got time. Many people adopt in their 40s.
It is good to be 100% sure it's the right decision for you; god knows that, like biological children, they're non-refundable.
I'm a birthmother in a semi-open domestic adoption (my birthson is now grown).
While I can't give you any practical advice about the costs or anything, if I can be of any assistance, please let me know. I will be happy to answer any questions you have about the birthmother aspect of it.
For instance, in an open or semi-open adoption, the prospective birthmother either meets you personally (open) or selects you by reading profiles that the agency gives her (semi-open).
Your ages might well be a plus. Many teen birthmothers want their child to be adopted by parents significantly older than they are (the adoptive parents I selected for my birthson were in their early 40s).
And your husband's youthful scrapes with the law may not be the hindrance you fear they will, either. Just be open and honest about them.
Please let me know if I can help in any way. I'm a huge proponent of adoption.
PS as far as being "wealthy enough" to adopt, you might want to consider the foster-to-adopt option. I have friends who have adopted this way, who are not wealthy by any means; it is basically low to no cost.
Although you have to take a lot of classes, you have to foster until a child becomes available for adoption, and you might not necessarily get a healthy white newborn. Many children who become available for adoption this way are children of color, or are older, have special needs, or are part of sibling groups.
I was just wondering how much of the $25K or $40K the birth mother gets from the adoption?
I was just wondering how much of the $25K or $40K the birth mother gets from the adoption?
It is illegal to buy or sell children. That would be human trafficking.
In my case, the adoption agency used some of the money to pay my pregnancy-related medical bills and reimburse me for some of my living expenses for the latter four months of my pregnancy.
They did not pay any of my living expenses directly; I had to submit receipts to them for things that I bought (such as maternity clothes and groceries), and then they reimbursed me.
I wouldn't think they spent more than a couple of thousand on me.
The agency was willing to pay my rent for the last four months of pregnancy, but it turned out they didn't need to because I was living in a rent-free situation at the time.
What they are legally allowed to reimburse the birthmother for varies from state to state.
Although in my state, the birthfather (or "putative birthfather") can legally sign away his parental rights before the baby is born, the mother cannot sign away her rights until after; 48 hours after the birth, I believe. Or maybe it was 24 hours, I can't remember.
If I had changed my mind at any time before or after the birth and decided not to relinquish my child after all, the money the agency spent on me would've been lost; the prospective birthmother is not legally required to pay it back if she changes her mind.
All of this is to ensure that birthmothers are not coerced in any way.
However, I'm sure it becomes expensive for the agency, supporting a bunch of pregnant girls and women, many of whom will change their minds at the last minute and not relinquish their children after all (statistically, I've read that less than half of pregnant women who make an adoption plan ultimately follow through with it).
So that's where some of that money is going: it's going to support a lot of pregnant women, many of whom will bring the agency no profit in the long run, because they will change their minds and keep their babies.
*edit*-- I should add that I don't know anything about the adoptive parent side of this; I don't know when or how or how much they pay.
I suspect- at least I hope- that they aren't required to pay anything until a baby actually becomes available for adoption: relinquishment papers signed and everything.
But even if they don't pay anything until then, most of that alarming amount of money that was mentioned above no doubt goes to pay the expenses of other prospective birthmothers the agency is supporting, some of whom will ultimately decide to keep their babies, and some of whom won't.
I did not receive one penny from the adoptive parents, or the agency. No medical bills, no payment, no living assistance, nothing.
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I hope nothing we've said here has deterred you.
