Quote:
Originally Posted by TylerJAX
Win the family over.
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^ That's what I did.
When the OP refers to a Chinese woman, I assume that he means an actual
Chinese woman and not Chinese-American/Canadian/Australian/etc. Women of Chinese ancestry who grow up in these places are much more likely to walk away from filial piety (and may indeed reject it consciously) than women who are actually from China and have no cultural counterpoint to put it against.
My wife's family initially forbade her from having anything to do with me - they couldn't do much about this since they are in Hunan and she's in Guangzhou, but, there were a few months of pretty nasty threats to cut her out of the family, haul her back against her will, etc. She held out, and there was a stalemate of a few months that basically boiled down to:
Them: "We will cut you out of the family forever."
Her: "Fine."
Them: "We will never help you if you need help."
Her: "Whatever. We don't need your help."
Them: "Seriously, we will never contact you again."
Her: "Don't."
Them: "We mean it."
Her: "Fine."
Them: "... well fine then."
Her: "Good."
Them: "..."
Her: "."
Then: "Okay, your grandmas talked about it and agreed that it's okay if you want to be with this infernal foreigner, just... come back and visit."
And, again, now we are married, and she is expecting. I've met her family and they all like me, although they think I am weird because I like to drink cold beverages, don't want to leave all the windows open when it's -2C outside and walk around in six layers of clothing inside, etc
How did I win them over? They met me. Her nieces loved me. I was still polite to her parents even after her dad walked out onto the balcony and smoked with his back to me - "Why should we bother going out for Chinese food? Does he even know anything about Chinese food or culture?" Most Chinese people have zero exposure to foreigners, and especially for people in their late 40's and up, grew up on a steady anti-Western diet. Even with younger, more worldly Chinese people, there's an attitude that their culture is just...
insurmountable for anyone who doesn't have Chinese blood. It's ignorance in its most literal form. After they've gotten to know you as an individual instead of just "that foreigner who wants to marry my daughter/sister/my countrywoman," things get a lot better.
The things that I tell most of the guys I know who decide they want to go down this path:
Remember always that she is, indeed, pitting herself against her family to be with you. Because of issues of filial piety, this is a huge step - it's hard to imagine as a Westerner, because we actually kind of get off on bucking norms and going our own way. Not so, here; because of that, it's difficult to think of an analogy. You have to understand the culture really well to get the enormity of it.
After she forsakes her family to be with you, it's on the family to decide whether or not they will ultimately accept it. This can be complicated. If they
do, that's great; if not, then understand that she will likely lose all if not most of her family contacts - which is a pretty big thing in China. A lot of families save up money for their kids to help out with buying a house or a car or a business, often having saved since before they were born - they may decide to hold that money back, and she may find herself in a situation where she has no safety net or support, other than you. When this happens, she will scrutinize you quite a bit, and your previously-wonderful relationship can turn into a nonstop festival of criticism and fatalism on her part.
One thing to keep in mind, too, is that if you
do break up, and her family never accepted her decision, they may still
never re-accept her, meaning she will well-and-truly be on her own. Even if they were ultimately OK with it, if it is well-known that she a) disobeyed her family, and b) was with a foreigner, it will be
extremely hard for her to ever remarry into a "good" family again. I know multiple Chinese women who at some point, dated a foreigner - a good example is a young woman who dated an English guy. He swore his undying love to her, she disobeyed her parents to be with him, she put all their escapades up all over social media, and at the end of it all, he went back to the UK and didn't take her with him. The fallout from this was huge - she repaired things with her parents but found herself more or less undateable to Chinese guys her age, and is now basically a fixture of the expat community, bouncing from six month relationship to six month relationship with guys from Europe. Because of my position in the expat community, I know offhand whose experiences echo this.
So, before she does all this, you need to have a conversation with yourself to make sure that you really, really do want to be with her forever. You can always pack up and head back home, and still land a decent girl, whether or not you ever married the Chinese gal. She will be stuck here, and stuck with all the fallout and stigmas of a conservative society who doesn't trust foreigners, trying to navigate her life - possibly totally alone. If you can't commit to it, then don't.
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