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But I do want to preserve my marriage more than anything else in my life...
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's not fair. It's never fair when one person changes the rules of the game. I guess you'll have to decide whether to comprise your authenticity or lose your marriage. You should never be asked to make that choice.
I honestly don't know what I would do in your shoes. My husband is my best friend and the most important person to me. On the other hand, I take pride in being genuine and authentic. Would I trade my integrity for my marriage, or would I trade my marriage for my integrity? I really don't know.
I would ask her if she would stop going to church if you asked it of her. And not only to stop attending church but to totally change her belief system because you ask it.
You have gotten many thoughtful, well-worded replies to your original question. The simple truth, however, is that only you can answer it.
FWIW, it is unfortunate that this very important question is phrased in binary terms (EITHER this OR that) because, phrased in that way, it automatically excludes the possibility that there may be other answers/choices. Unfortunate. It also goes to show that binary questions aren't known as "Sucker's Choices" for nothing.
With this particular binary question it may be that, for you at least, there is no BEST answer. You may have to settle for the LEAST-WORST.
Best wishes, my friend. Let us know how its going.
I've mentioned it here before, but I married a woman who is a more or less devout Mormon 12 years ago.
I'm pretty much agnostic and don't believe in religion, nor do I attend church. I have no particular hatred or dislike of the LDS church; I figure it no more true and inspired than any other sect and it does promote a healthy lifestyle and strong sense of community, which I DO believe in. I also think that generally speaking, it's a positive influence on our children too. (though they always get the other side of the argument after sunday school from dear old dad )
Anyway, for years we've had sort of a unwritten agreement that I wouldn't stand in the way of her religious participation if she didn't try to get me to participate. We were good.
But now the winds have changed; she wants a me to become a sterotypical mormon, give up alcohol, go to church, be baptized and all that crap. It's creating a rift between us becase I won't budge and neither will she. I think church leaders may be trying to push her toward divorce too, if I don't (though I may be wrong).
So would you go through the motions of religion to preserve your marriage or take a stand?
Okay, Chango, you probably know I'm a Mormon, so I hope you will realize that what I'm going to tell you is representative of the LDS perspective and not the perspective of those who have nothing positive whatsoever to say about Mormonism and who see nothing whatsoever wrong with posting anything they want about the religion.
If your wife has gone back on your "unwritten agreement," she's the one who is in the wrong, not you. Although I can understand why she would hope that you would eventually convert, if your "unwritten agreement" was that she would not pressure you, I would suggest you remind her of that and make sure she knows you mean business. Of course, I don't know if you've gone back on your side of the agreement by trying to convince that what the kids heard in Sunday School is a bunch of "crap," but if that's the case, maybe you need to lighten up, too. An agreement is a two-way thing, you know. Maybe you're both at fault.
I can tell you almost for sure, though, that the Church leaders are not going to encourage her to get a divorce. They simply don't do that. They would rather have a "part-member family" that is intact and loving than a family separated and torn apart by divorce. I hope you'll trust me on that. There are a lot of part-member families in the Church and the leadership does not advocate divorce as a solution to disagreements between a husband and wife.
I've mentioned it here before, but I married a woman who is a more or less devout Mormon 12 years ago.
I'm pretty much agnostic and don't believe in religion, nor do I attend church. I have no particular hatred or dislike of the LDS church; I figure it no more true and inspired than any other sect and it does promote a healthy lifestyle and strong sense of community, which I DO believe in. I also think that generally speaking, it's a positive influence on our children too. (though they always get the other side of the argument after sunday school from dear old dad )
Anyway, for years we've had sort of a unwritten agreement that I wouldn't stand in the way of her religious participation if she didn't try to get me to participate. We were good.
But now the winds have changed; she wants a me to become a sterotypical mormon, give up alcohol, go to church, be baptized and all that crap. It's creating a rift between us becase I won't budge and neither will she. I think church leaders may be trying to push her toward divorce too, if I don't (though I may be wrong).
So would you go through the motions of religion to preserve your marriage or take a stand?
No, I wouldn't. It's living a lie. Anyone who asks you NOT to be yourself is doing it from selfishness, not out of love.
If the deal is off, it's time to take more of a position against her faith. It's a touchy subject, but I was able to convince my wife that faith is nonsense, god is fake, and now we're both happy atheists (or agnostics - whichever you wanna call it).
There are many refutations to the god claim. Look them up one by one and start presenting them to her. If it pushes her away, well at least you tried.
That's it in a nutshell.
I think a lot of it has to do with what she sees in our neighborhood and decided she wants. We're in a fairly upscale area where pretty much EVERYONE is LDS. (I call it the "Mormon Taliban" ) She goes to church, hears the myth of what good mormon families are like, sees all the neigbhorhood people apparently living the myth and wants that kind of lifestyle for herself and our kids.
Unfortunately, I ruin everything the second I sit down on the front porch and have a beer. Or, when she goes to meetings and sits alone with the kids while other wives's husbands are sitting with their wives in nice suits, scriptures in hand.
I can't live like that. While I don't discount the posiblity of a god, I can virtually guarantee he/she/it didn't bring the LDS church (or any religious institution for that matter) to being.
Beyond mere physical proof, I must admit that I HATE Utah LDS culture (CULTURE, not the religion) I don't want to become some kind of pressed white drone that spouts scriptures, buys his kids Captain Moroni action figures at Seagull Book, proudly wears his "celestial smile" (church garments under their shirt) tears up on temple square and pays thousands of dollars to the church on the outside while behind closed doors you know he's wacking himself to internet porn and chugging a 5th of Jose in the closet after his latest affair with the Relief Society president.
The double standard present makes me sick... And I know it's happening. I'm living in the middle of it, was a cop here for several years and I took A LOT of folks to jail with temple recommends in their pockets.
Anyway, I'm ranting now, and I guess I really do have somewhat of a chip on my shoulder regarding my local dominant religion. But I do want to preserve my marriage more than anything else in my life...
I hadn't read this post when I posted my response to your OP. Maybe I should have done. Of course the double-standard you mention exists, but the majority of the members of the Church don't fit the stereotype you describe, and I think you know that. Yeah, you do have a chip on your shoulder, and it's too bad. The Church is extraordinarily family-oriented, and when your wife has to sit alone when all the other women are sitting with their husbands, it's obviously going to make her feel "different." People don't like feeling different. If you really want to preserve your marriage, I suspect your wife does, too. Have you considered counseling? I would really suggest that you mention it to your wife. It wouldn't have to be an LDS counselor (as a matter of fact, I would think a non-LDS counselor would be best in this case).
Your wife needs to come to terms with the fact that you are not interested in joining her Church and that the more she nags, the worse things are going to get. You need to realize that the more you criticize the culture that is a huge part of who she is, the more determined she's going to feel that she has to defend it. The two of you both need to start thinking of each other's feelings, and especially your kids' feelings. Unless they are totally deaf and blind, the tension this whole situation is creating is probably just killing them.
After giving this some more thought - I guess the thing that I keep coming back to is this. If all my husband wanted was some show of participation from time to time, then I would do it. But if my husband actually wanted me to convert or to change my beliefs - then that would be impossible. I mean, I can physically go to a church or a temple or what have you - but I cannot change who I am and what I believe.
If all your wife wants if for you to go with her to church once in awhile and to go to some functions from time to time - then I could see how that would be okay. But if she wants you to convert and basically change who you are - then I don't think that's okay. A relationship where one of the participants is not being true to themself just won't work. Relationships need to be built on love, trust, communication, and honesty. It's not possible to be honest about who you are while pretending to be something you are not.
Just my two cents. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a terrible situation. I'd reccommend counseling as well. Good luck and I wish you all the best!
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) She goes to church, hears the myth of what good mormon families are like, sees all the neigbhorhood people apparently living the myth and wants that kind of lifestyle for herself and our kids.
