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I think my problem is that I care for the feelings of the believer. I don't believe in their god, but if they ask me to pray for them or someone else, I don't want to offend them either. I still want to be able to give them comfort without hurting them worse.
I was socialized exactly the same way and I eventually realized that the fragile egos of believers is and must remain their problem, not mine. They constantly confuse disagreement, or even lack of participation, with disrespect, hatred and even persecution. In part because of stereotypes lodged in their brains, and in part because they can't imagine themselves "rejecting" god for any other reason than being angry at god. That's something that is horribly taboo and that they are very afraid of doing precisely because they are brimming with unacknowledged anger at god themselves. There isn't a believer alive who hasn't prayed for something entirely appropriate and necessary and not gotten it. There isn't a believer alive who hasn't done their best and still feels shamed and inadequate. If that doesn't produce anger, I don't know what does.
The very idea that they cast god's claims on people's lives in such stark, binary, black and white terms as "accept" or "reject" means that you are at the opposite extreme from them. You can't escape it or sugar coat it so the best thing is to be matter of fact about it.
I grew up in Christian fundamentalism, where regular attendance at all scheduled weekly services was highly valued. If you missed one Sunday, you had to endure the inevitable casual but pointed question, "so ... where WERE you last Sunday??". My older brother did not care to be accountable to that, so he became my hero by, so to speak, "running to the roar". He would respond with, "Oh, I attended Bedside Baptist last week". People would generally get the reference -- he listened to a radio preacher rather than get all gussied up and haul himself to church -- but whether they did or not, the response was the same. One of confusion, and then they would never ask him about it again. He did not give his power away by justifying his absence and they didn't get the power trip of making him bow down. It worked perfectly.
If you have clear boundaries and are clear on what is other people's business and what it not, a lot of this angst just goes away. Fundamentalism is all about breaking down healthy boundaries and being subsumed by group boundaries. I noticed that Fundamentalists tend to have horrible boundaries ... they can't say "no" to anything sometimes. They are over-committed, overly placating and pleasing, and end up totally stressed out. Bolehboleh, you probably need to think about healthy boundaries for a change.
... Fundamentalism is all about breaking down healthy boundaries and being subsumed by group boundaries. I noticed that Fundamentalists tend to have horrible boundaries ... they can't say "no" to anything sometimes. They are over-committed, overly placating and pleasing, and end up totally stressed out. Bolehboleh, you probably need to think about healthy boundaries for a change.
While it is anecdotal... THIS! THIS IN SPADES!
This was a big part of my experience, and my family is still so enmeshed in it that it is ridiculous. My Mom for years would attend church services that gave her panic attacks, because that is what you were supposed to do. My sisters still see nothing inappropriate about their church elders forbidding one of them from working for another church member, because God has set them in authority. My whole childhood was one of Mom having breakdowns from being choir director, youth choir director, and homeschooling 4 children all while trying to be a homemaker because you can't tell "God" no...
This is a big part of what ground me down enough that the cognitive dissonance was unbearable, and eventually I threw my hands up and walked away...
The book is very annoying because you have to wade through a lot of irrelevant god-talk -- the authors strive to give all sorts of specious theological justifications for having healthy boundaries, rather than stick to the empirical benefits of healthy boundaries -- but the very desperate NEED for the book in the evangelical community and the very need for the book to come up with baroque workarounds for the very theology that produced the need, is telling.
I wanted to bump this thread because I wanted to get some advice from all of you. How do you handle well-meaning religious people who ask you to pray for one thing or another. I have two examples that better clarify my point:
1. Recently my grandmother injured herself and things were not looking good. Unfortunately, I live very far from her so most of the updates I got were over the phone. At one point, we were prepared for the worst and my mom called to tell me to "pray" for Grandma. Of course I told my mom I would but in reality I didn't. I didn't see that it would do any good. All I did was "hope" that she would recover, but I understood that at almost 93 years old I should prepare for the worst. Now, somehow she's recovered enough and it looks like she'll be okay. My mom may be convinced that praying worked and the next time I see her she may or may not bring it up. I don't want to be rude but at the same time I want to be honest.
2. Another example: I just found a distant friend of mine's father has cancer. I know she's very religious and of course she's asked everyone to "pray for her father." My basic response response was that her family was in my thoughts. Should I have gone further and told the white lie that they were in my prayers, too?
Just because my views on God and religion have evolved, doesn't mean I want those who still believe to think I look down on their views. Even my wife (Hindu) and best friend (Catholic) told me they they think I must look down on them for being "believers." I don't think I've ever said anything to make them believe that, but they also know that I don't see anything wrong with criticizing religion. Basically, I'm a fan of Sam Harris, and I agree with his views that no religion (or philosophy) is above criticism. Maybe it was the Bill Mahers and Christopher Hitchens' of the world who ruined for the rest of us because they are very insulting towards the religious and that makes many religious people hate non-believers. I don't know.
I would say that I would keep them in my thoughts and ask if there was anything concrete I could do. Perhaps grandma would have liked some magazines or books to help pass the time while she was recovering. You could get something you know she would like even if it happened to have a religious theme. Perhaps your friend's father might enjoy a book or magazine as well.
Two hands working are much better than two hands praying.
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