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I remember visiting the planetarium once, and there was this IMAXy presentation about the birth of the universe narrated by Tom Hanks. You are meant to be swept away with awe and inspired, clearly everyone in the audience was and part of me was too, but part of me was also thinking - Earth is so tiny and insignificant, and the universe is so indifferent to my struggles, and for what? No light at the end of the tunnel, just vast oblivion.
I was raised Roman Catholic. It's funny, I can remember believing in Santa Claus, but I don't think I ever believed in God, even at a young age. I was a precocious kid and there were too many questions with nebulous answers, and nobody seemed to want to bother to explain anything to me, but I did want to believe. This became a major source of depression when I was a teen (I'm 31 now) because I wanted to believe so bad, but deep down, I just... didn't, and moreover I couldn't no matter how hard I tried. Faith is just a concept that seems like such an easy sell to some but I couldn't wrap my head around it.
I'm far from the person I was as a moody teen, though I've dealt with depression on and off over the years (and currently off, this isn't a cry for help or anything like that, more curious inquiry), but sure enough one way to begin spiraling is to begin thinking about the inevitability of death and the fact that nothing waits. I don't know how it can never not depress me, and I've heard many ways people have tried to spin it positively, but it doesn't stick. I cannot shake my permanent existential crisis. I think I'll always want to believe.
I remember visiting the planetarium once, and there was this IMAXy presentation about the birth of the universe narrated by Tom Hanks. You are meant to be swept away with awe and inspired, clearly everyone in the audience was and part of me was too, but part of me was also thinking - Earth is so tiny and insignificant, and the universe is so indifferent to my struggles, and for what? No light at the end of the tunnel, just vast oblivion.
I was raised Roman Catholic. It's funny, I can remember believing in Santa Claus, but I don't think I ever believed in God, even at a young age. I was a precocious kid and there were too many questions with nebulous answers, and nobody seemed to want to bother to explain anything to me, but I did want to believe. This became a major source of depression when I was a teen (I'm 31 now) because I wanted to believe so bad, but deep down, I just... didn't, and moreover I couldn't no matter how hard I tried. Faith is just a concept that seems like such an easy sell to some but I couldn't wrap my head around it.
I'm far from the person I was as a moody teen, though I've dealt with depression on and off over the years (and currently off, this isn't a cry for help or anything like that, more curious inquiry), but sure enough one way to begin spiraling is to begin thinking about the inevitability of death and the fact that nothing waits. I don't know how it can never not depress me, and I've heard many ways people have tried to spin it positively, but it doesn't stick. I cannot shake my permanent existential crisis. I think I'll always want to believe.
Anyone ever feel like this? How do you deal?
Never, but if it helps, if there isn't an afterlife, you'd better make the most of this one while you can, and if there is, you have nothing to worry about anyway.
I'm far from the person I was as a moody teen, though I've dealt with depression on and off over the years (and currently off, this isn't a cry for help or anything like that, more curious inquiry), but sure enough one way to begin spiraling is to begin thinking about the inevitability of death and the fact that nothing waits. I don't know how it can never not depress me, and I've heard many ways people have tried to spin it positively, but it doesn't stick. I cannot shake my permanent existential crisis. I think I'll always want to believe.
Anyone ever feel like this? How do you deal?
I'm probably not a typical atheist in some respects (though I am in many others) with regards to existentialism, and coping with the rationalization of we exist, so what now? Perhaps it's an OCD trait some of us have, but if we learn anything from the happiest people we know....it is that distraction from the unanswerable is not always a bad thing. Or perhaps another way to say it....placing expectations upon things we can't answer, and focusing on such things, will lead to the feeling of failure, and as a result, depressing thought.
The comfort you see in theists, and perhaps even wish you had, is about purpose. It seems great that many theists seemingly have this endless supply of purposeful diligence to their lives. And if asked, they might (or probably will) tell you they are doing the Lord's good work. So great....just believe in all that and you too can be happy and purposeful like me! Only......how do I believe the unbelievable?
As you probably have realized.....it is delusion and/or distraction from actually exploring those existential questions of purpose. They may end up doing really great things as a result, but that doesn't help the skeptic rationalize the irrational. Because the one answer they (typically) find to be unbearable is the notion of no purpose bestowed on them. But theists aren't the only ones capable of distraction....we atheists are just as capable.
Purpose sets things in motion for us humans. And since we have the cognition and self-awareness of our existence....we have the burden to make our purpose. And that purpose ought to have expectations set appropriately for ourselves. In other words....we can't set the expectation of purpose to be on the order of the cosmos which we are the tiny portion of. That is essentially why some theists find it incomprehensible and depressing to think of a universe without a god. And it will lead us to realize that nothing we do matters much to the universe....as we see no good evidence to think so.
So the purpose you create for yourself, if you are like me anyway, ought to be humble (relative to the cosmos, that is) and achievable. Such as, I'm aiming to support my family, help a few others along the way, and have at least 1 person at my funeral that was glad I existed. That's not to say your purpose can't be grander (cure cancer, solve poverty, etc.)....but only you can set those for yourself.
I was dissapointed when I realized it was very unlikely that there would be an afterlife, but, I've came to terms with it. I treasure what life I do have and hope, in the back of my mind, that there is something after life. I realize that non-existence will not bother me.
You were on the receiving end of nonsensical promises. To make matters worse, a very systematic trip of guilt was laid upon you in the event that you ever wavered in your beliefs. Now that trip is having the desired effect.
Most religions entail some degree of emotional manipulation and mental abuse. That's what is at work in your case.
It is asking us for something beyond our capacities to diagnose your feelings of depression when all we have to go on is three paragraphs posted in a public forum.
There is the possibility that your depression has primary chemical/biological causes and your thinking about religion is merely a trigger, not the root problem. If you were bringing your problems to a professional, he or she would most likely begin by trying to eliminate or identify clinical causes for the depression before concluding that there is an actual relationship between your theological experiences and your depression.
There is also the basic horse/cart dilemma. Are you getting depressed when you think about the great void, or is it the onset of depression which steers your thoughts to the seeming pointlessness of life?
Thanks for all your replies. Just to clarify though, I'm not really looking for a root diagnosis or help with the depression. That's the responsibility of my medications and they do a pretty good job for the most part, although I have to keep track of how I'm doing because depression is insidious.
I just wanted other atheists' perspectives on the matter, I suppose, and to see if my way of thinking was ever shared by anyone else.
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