Mother of a Troubled Teen (Atlanta, Sandy Springs: home, gated, live) - Georgia (GA) - City-Data Forum

Buckhead Betty1 · 01-30-2009, 10:17 AM

My son is 17 now...but for as long as I can remember he has always required alot more attention then my other kids. It seems as though he has been in and out of trouble forever...and forever, I have been there for him. I have had him in every program that Fulton County has to offer or that I can think of. Now that he is 17 he is doing worse things. Most recently I got him out of jail for something he was envolved in...only to have him 30 days later be envolved in the same thing again. So he is back in jail, but this time due to the impact it had on me and his younger sister, requiring us to have to move...I have drawn the line in the sand. I will be going to no more court hearings, paying anymore fines, or getting him out of jail anymore. Nor can he live with me anymore, due to the fact that I can no longer trust him. I feel like I can not be embarrassed by what he does anymore, or his ugly attitude. I did not raise him like this...and can not understand why he turned out the way he has. I have three children all raised the same and yet he is the only one that turned out this way. Or should I say gone down such a dark self destructive path. Thousands have been spent on counseling over the years. I realize I am leaving out alot of information...but I have got to get some of this off my chest before I burst. I know I'm not the only one...however it does feel like it sometimes.
Tough love is what I am trying to give right now. It's hard, because I just can't shake the feeling that he thinks I don't love and care about him. All I want to do is rescue him, as I have done so many times before. But the truth is...if it didn't work all the other times it certainly isn't going to work now.
Know one said that doing the right thing...would always be easy.

ready2move · 01-30-2009, 10:40 AM

Awe..(((hugs))) for you.

I have a son who will be 21 on 2/3 and can appreciated "some" of what you are going through. We had some rough patches with him, although no jail time. Although sometimes I think it might have scared him half to death.

The problem with this generation of kids is the instant gratification. Gotta have it now, can't wait, don't care etc. We try and want the best for our kids even if it means bailing them out. Sometimes, the very hardest thing to do is say to them, I have done my best, but you need to accept some responsibility for your actions. And follow through. Don't bail him. It will suck and your heart will ache. But as you said, you have other kids that need you.

Let me know if you want/need to vent....

kaday · 01-30-2009, 11:22 AM

The best thing you can do for him is cut him loose. You are doing the right thing. For your own sake, you could try an intervention with a psychologist with the intention of telling him I love you son but this is what you have done, this is what you need to do and this is what will happen (I will cut you out of my life completely) if you don't. Then at least in your heart you will know you have tried everything. My heart goes out to you.

atlantagreg30127 · 01-30-2009, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buckhead Betty1

Most recently I got him out of jail for something he was envolved in...only to have him 30 days later be envolved in the same thing again. So he is back in jail, but this time due to the impact it had on me and his younger sister, requiring us to have to move...I have drawn the line in the sand. I will be going to no more court hearings, paying anymore fines, or getting him out of jail anymore. Nor can he live with me anymore, due to the fact that I can no longer trust him. I feel like I can not be embarrassed by what he does anymore, or his ugly attitude.

Well, while it's a really REALLY bad thing that you've had to go through (and continue to have to go through) I do applaud you for taking a stand. At 17 he is far from a child, and considering the details you did give, it's an unfortunate conclusion that most likely he is well on his way to being what is most commonly called a career criminal. You had two choices - continue to try to help with no results (as you've tried so much in the past), or, distance yourself so you and your other child/children are not dragged down with his sinking ship. Hard choice, but you have to think of yourself at SOME point, as well as your other kids.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buckhead Betty1

I did not raise him like this...and can not understand why he turned out the way he has. I have three children all raised the same and yet he is the only one that turned out this way.

A friend of mine who is a shrink has dealt with kids like this when the parents are able to drag them into him. He has told me in the past that many times, they find that kids like this have any number of mental disorders, with bipolar disorder being a common one, which heightens their issues/attitudes and causes them to stray to the dark side, so to speak. Problem is, even if it gets diagnosed and the problem is one that medication can help control, many of these kids won't take their meds, and once they're out on their own, stop taking them altogether. You can't hold them down after they leave and force it in their mouths, and even as older teens it's not like you can do it by force.

You can't say you haven't tried. Whether it's medical or simply a bad apple being influenced by a bad peer group, you certainly can't be faulted for effort. Bad as it sounds, let him decide his own fate at this point, and focus on the rest of your family and you, even if it means moving again someplace where even he can't find you to stir up old wounds the next time he gets out of jail. Hard choices ahead.

Buckhead Betty1 · 01-30-2009, 11:41 AM

Now that I have put some of my business out there...I'm sure now you can understand the whole Botox thread.

But seriously though...if I don't laugh sometimes I feel like I will pull my eyelashes out.

Atlanta Greg you are exactly right. He was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a few years ago. Which he truly is...but here in lies the problem. You can't fix what you...yourself does not feel is broken. You see as far as he is concerned everyone else is the problem not him. He refuses medication. My daughter and I have moved...luckily we are still in Buckhead so I won't have to change my name(lol).

brownhornet · 01-30-2009, 01:50 PM

I had a cousin that was the same way. We were close until my mom saw he was on a path of doom and pretty much forbid me to be around him. From that point on he became a major thief. He even stole my bike and to this day He thinks i dont know.

Anything that wasn't mounted down He would steal. He even stole one of his mom neighbors whole plum tree out of her yard. Eventually she put him out and whenever i go back home i see him roaming the street when He isn't in jail.

sweettea1 · 01-30-2009, 02:14 PM

Perhaps it would be helpful for you to speak to a professional. There is a wonderful resource out there called The Link (The Link Counseling Center) in Sandy Springs that provides counseling to both adults and teens at reduced rates. You may get better direction from someone who has worked with parents in your situation before.
And, as for the Botox...well, a mom needs to feel good when she's working double time to keep her family together so I say go for it!

TakeAhike · 01-30-2009, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buckhead Betty1

Now that I have put some of my business out there...I'm sure now you can understand the whole Botox thread.

But seriously though...if I don't laugh sometimes I feel like I will pull my eyelashes out.

Atlanta Greg you are exactly right. He was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a few years ago. Which he truly is...but here in lies the problem. You can't fix what you...yourself does not feel is broken. You see as far as he is concerned everyone else is the problem not him. He refuses medication. My daughter and I have moved...luckily we are still in Buckhead so I won't have to change my name(lol).

(((Betty)))
Hang in there.

Have you read 'The Red Hat Club' book or books--good for a LOL or two --written by a woman from Buckhead. Sometimes a good hat helps.

http://www.haywoodsmith.net/redhatclub.html (broken link)
It is so difficult to know what to do but a lot can be done. There are certainly some excellent mental health professionals in this city.

Mattie · 01-30-2009, 03:23 PM

Buckhead Betty, I feel for you, really, and thank my lucky stars my kids have turned out ok. But, aren't parent responsible for their kids until the age of 18? I'm not suggesting you bail your son out, however, once he serves his sentence, aren't you legally obligated to take him back in? Can taking his meds be a condition of parole? I'm not too familiar with these things, but I can't imagine a parent can deny their child a home before they are of age.

AtlMuslimah · 01-30-2009, 03:52 PM

My mother went through the same thing with my older brother, when he was in his teens bailing him out of jail & dealing with the embarrassment of going to court & explaining to the Judge blah blah blah blah. Don't for instance feel like you're giving up on your child. They have to come to the realization on their own that the choices they had made come with consequences. Hold your head up and you and your other children continue to move forward. There will be future visitations; he will still love you as his mother when he has that

moment.