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OP moved back to be closer to "aging" parents and all s/he can think of is his/her own "misery". Well, OP, your parents raised you and God knows what sacrifices they made to get you to the point where you complain like you are and yearn to live the fast life. You have a job and appear to be living the quintessential small-town Canada life that many can only dream about and hundreds of millions of people around the world would gladly have given the the chance. Big city living is not reality, and you have the opportunity to reconnect with those things that make us truly human, which a big city could never offer. You've already had your 4 years in Halifax and 9 years in Toronto - you've had more than enough time to live the way you've wanted. Were you expecting to live like a university student forever? You really lost me with the "I feel really disappointed with less diversity (non-existent here)" -- talk about ignorant and closed-minded...
a few comments:
1) the fact his parents raises him and made certain sacrifices doesn't mean OP owes them anything. If one ever decides to have a child, it is his responsibility to raise him and make sacrifices such as cut personal consumption and entertainment and provide good food and education for the child. A children didn't exact beg to be born, and by bringing him to this world, the parents are obligated to make life comfortable to him, otherwise, what's the point of having a child, to suffer poverty and destitute?
2) The fact millions of people in the world dream of about Canadian small town life is irrelevant to his decision. you are making zero sense here. What matters is what his options and preference are. It is stupid to think "I should be happy to live in small town NS just because millions of people can't even have it". Will you be happy to buy a crappy house infested with rats and cockroaches just because millions of people out there don't even have any sort of shelter?
3) it is nonsense to say big city life is not realistic. Some people love big cities (I personally can't tolerate cities with less than 2 million people) and some like small town life (Halifax is a small town IMO), there is nothing that makes small town life better or more "realistic" than big cities (Toronto is not that big by the way). The OP should live in the place he enjoys most.
4) Fail to understand how the OP lived like a university student. Plus, what's wrong with living like a university student forever if one wants to? Do you imply everyone eventually has to marry someone, move to a house in suburbs, do household chores everyday, and take the kids homework and soccer practice as the first priority? Nothing wrong with that, but if one can live free of these homogenous boredom and does live like a university student forever, I'd say that's fantastic!
1) the fact his parents raises him and made certain sacrifices doesn't mean OP owes them anything. If one ever decides to have a child, it is his responsibility to raise him and make sacrifices such as cut personal consumption and entertainment and provide good food and education for the child. A children didn't exact beg to be born, and by bringing him to this world, the parents are obligated to make life comfortable to him, otherwise, what's the point of having a child, to suffer poverty and destitute?
2) The fact millions of people in the world dream of about Canadian small town life is irrelevant to his decision. you are making zero sense here. What matters is what his options and preference are. It is stupid to think "I should be happy to live in small town NS just because millions of people can't even have it". Will you be happy to buy a crappy house infested with rats and cockroaches just because millions of people out there don't even have any sort of shelter?
3) it is nonsense to say big city life is not realistic. Some people love big cities (I personally can't tolerate cities with less than 2 million people) and some like small town life (Halifax is a small town IMO), there is nothing that makes small town life better or more "realistic" than big cities (Toronto is not that big by the way). The OP should live in the place he enjoys most.
4) Fail to understand how the OP lived like a university student. Plus, what's wrong with living like a university student forever if one wants to? Do you imply everyone eventually has to marry someone, move to a house in suburbs, do household chores everyday, and take the kids homework and soccer practice as the first priority? Nothing wrong with that, but if one can live free of these homogenous boredom and does live like a university student forever, I'd say that's fantastic!
Botti makes some good points. Nothing wrong with living like a college student, if that's how you want to live so be it. Most of my friends and myself all live like uni students - most of us live in shared spaces with suite mates and a lot of social interaction. Not because we can't afford surburban life - most of us are professionals making $100-200k range - it's just that we don't want to live in isolation and do appreciate to be actively engaged in civic life and the physical manifestation of a civic environment.
Not sure why "big city living" shouldn't be a "reality" - it's a solid reality for hundreds of millions around the world who raise families and have equally satisfying lives in urban neighborhoods.
You are becoming overwhelmed with disappointment and disillusionment. I think you need to move back to Toronto and your old job and resume the life and the person that you are at heart. If you don't return, if you continue on becoming more miserable as you are now, then the disappointment you're experiencing now will end up turning into resentment towards the parents (who probably never asked you to give up your life that you love and return home to them anyway). And when you feel resentful towards them, even if you try to hide it, they'll still pick up on that resentment and then they'll become resentful towards you because you are feeling like you have martyred yourself for their sake. Then you will be more disappointed with yourself, they will be disappointed with you and be feeling guilty and self-conscious on their own behalfs because you have martyred yourself for them ....... and everyone will be miserable because of you and you will have nothing good happening in your life.
Go back to your real home, real occupation and real life in Toronto before things get worse and there are hard feelings all around. Go back to the old routine of visiting the parents 2 or 3 times a year. If you have no other responsible family living near your parents then prepare yourself for a future when it's time for you to bring your parents to your town to be looked after when they are no longer capable of looking after themselves. They will have nothing to lose at that point, but you will have everything to lose if you don't set yourself up right in the right place for you now so you can make it right for them too in the future.
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Fully agree.
The best possible advice on this thread.
I'd probably give it at least 6 months more if possible, though, before moving back to Toronto.
Don't listen to those who say you HAVE to stay there because of your parents.
OP moved back to be closer to "aging" parents and all s/he can think of is his/her own "misery". Well, OP, your parents raised you and God knows what sacrifices they made to get you to the point where you complain like you are and yearn to live the fast life. You have a job and appear to be living the quintessential small-town Canada life that many can only dream about and hundreds of millions of people around the world would gladly have given the the chance. Big city living is not reality, and you have the opportunity to reconnect with those things that make us truly human, which a big city could never offer. You've already had your 4 years in Halifax and 9 years in Toronto - you've had more than enough time to live the way you've wanted. Were you expecting to live like a university student forever? You really lost me with the "I feel really disappointed with less diversity (non-existent here)" -- talk about ignorant and closed-minded...
To the OP: You should definitely disregard this post.
Thank you to all who have taken time to reply, your words and advice are very thoughtful and helpful. There are a couple negative comments that do not really make sense to me and I will not respond. Thanks to others who have addressed them.
I feel I should clarify the situation a little bit. My folks are getting older, they are 70, however they do not require care and no major health issues. They did not ask me to move closer. It was just a feeling or 'pull' that brought me back after being 'away' for 9 or 13 years. To be back closer to family and good Island friends. At the time, I did not see myself in Toronto for another 10 years or long-term. I figured I had my 9 years there and had this feeling of wanting to spend quality time in person, living a short drive from my folks. We have always been quite close, no matter where I've lived. It was just a shared longing to be around again. My own thinking factored in was that we'd have much more time together in-person, perhaps I would be able to meet someone special and easily share that with them and all that might come from that. Rather than seeing them only the 3 times for the long-term and then at some point down the road some health issues arising. I also wanted to be back around 5-6 great lifelong friends again as we have kept in touch and always have a wonderful time on vacation visits. However, this hasn't worked out quite like I envisioned it in my head. Everyone has their own busy lives, of course.
I have not or will not ever 'resent' my folks for this move not working out so far. They only want me to be happy and do whatever and go wherever that would make that happen. I made the decision to try this. Seeing family and friends has been great, however I seem to be unhappy in all other aspects (job, location, etc), especially in comparison to the level of contentment and feeling of success I had in Toronto and at my last job. PEI is wonderul, I will always think that and will always visit as much as possible no matter what happens. I just cannot (over 6 months in) let go of the big city and the differences it offered in comparison to living permanently here. I knew it would be a large adjustment but thought I was ready.
I strongly do not believe moving my folks close to Toronto is an option. They are extremely content here and I know the PEI pace is very much for them. A change like that would be very drastic for them, and although I always wish they were/are close, I wouldn't want that for them and therefore wouldn't suggest that as an option. At least not now for sure.
So here I am, trying to give it time to decide what to do. I am finding it hard to relax and enjoy my days here, which I should do no matter what, it is bonus time here on PEI. When you go to a job you don't like everyday and miss the big city diversity, conveniences, options etc when out and about in the town here, it is tough to forget about your dilemma.
I am cautious about making a decision, however, as I want to make sure I am not seeing Toronto in rose-colored glasses as although I really enjoyed the city and my job, it was not perfect with the no family factor, etc. I believe I would be able to get back with my old company eventually, but it is not an absolute given as nothing is. I do not know when that might be if I made my intention known. I feel strongly that I would want to be with that company, I don't know that I would want to start new at another company in Toronto right now. The friends, environment, seniority (and salary), respect and comraderie are large factors I miss in comparison.
I am also not totally sure how a few changes here might affect how I feel. A job that I enjoy more could only improve the situation. And if a good relationship happened to come along, my thinking/priorities would likely change. But perhaps I would still miss the city? I know I have to be where I believe I would be the happiest, regardless of the variables.
Thanks for your help! I will reply to any questions/comments that I have missed.
Thank you to all who have taken time to reply, your words and advice are very thoughtful and helpful. There are a couple negative comments that do not really make sense to me and I will not respond. Thanks to others who have addressed them.
I feel I should clarify the situation a little bit. My folks are getting older, they are 70, however they do not require care and no major health issues. They did not ask me to move closer. It was just a feeling or 'pull' that brought me back after being 'away' for 9 or 13 years. To be back closer to family and good Island friends. At the time, I did not see myself in Toronto for another 10 years or long-term. I figured I had my 9 years there and had this feeling of wanting to spend quality time in person, living a short drive from my folks. We have always been quite close, no matter where I've lived. It was just a shared longing to be around again. My own thinking factored in was that we'd have much more time together in-person, perhaps I would be able to meet someone special and easily share that with them and all that might come from that. Rather than seeing them only the 3 times for the long-term and then at some point down the road some health issues arising. I also wanted to be back around 5-6 great lifelong friends again as we have kept in touch and always have a wonderful time on vacation visits. However, this hasn't worked out quite like I envisioned it in my head. Everyone has their own busy lives, of course.
I have not or will not ever 'resent' my folks for this move not working out so far. They only want me to be happy and do whatever and go wherever that would make that happen. I made the decision to try this. Seeing family and friends has been great, however I seem to be unhappy in all other aspects (job, location, etc), especially in comparison to the level of contentment and feeling of success I had in Toronto and at my last job. PEI is wonderul, I will always think that and will always visit as much as possible no matter what happens. I just cannot (over 6 months in) let go of the big city and the differences it offered in comparison to living permanently here. I knew it would be a large adjustment but thought I was ready.
I strongly do not believe moving my folks close to Toronto is an option. They are extremely content here and I know the PEI pace is very much for them. A change like that would be very drastic for them, and although I always wish they were/are close, I wouldn't want that for them and therefore wouldn't suggest that as an option. At least not now for sure.
So here I am, trying to give it time to decide what to do. I am finding it hard to relax and enjoy my days here, which I should do no matter what, it is bonus time here on PEI. When you go to a job you don't like everyday and miss the big city diversity, conveniences, options etc when out and about in the town here, it is tough to forget about your dilemma.
I am cautious about making a decision, however, as I want to make sure I am not seeing Toronto in rose-colored glasses as although I really enjoyed the city and my job, it was not perfect with the no family factor, etc. I believe I would be able to get back with my old company eventually, but it is not an absolute given as nothing is. I do not know when that might be if I made my intention known. I feel strongly that I would want to be with that company, I don't know that I would want to start new at another company in Toronto right now. The friends, environment, seniority (and salary), respect and comraderie are large factors I miss in comparison.
I am also not totally sure how a few changes here might affect how I feel. A job that I enjoy more could only improve the situation. And if a good relationship happened to come along, my thinking/priorities would likely change. But perhaps I would still miss the city? I know I have to be where I believe I would be the happiest, regardless of the variables.
Thanks for your help! I will reply to any questions/comments that I have missed.
It seems to me that you need to break down your problem into pieces in order to look objectively at it. It is natural for young people to spread their wings and your parents aren't that old and don't seem to require your help. That doesn't preclude your moving back to PEI at some future date when you have further explored a career elsewhere. You may want a slower pace of life later, but since you seem to be a younger guy, it isn't at all unusual not to want that at this point.
There's nothing wrong with putting out feelers to your old company to see if your old position might be available to you. There's nothing wrong with exploring some more challenging options in PEI either. What is clear is that you are not happy with the way things are now.
There's a saying that 'you can't go home again' and you seem to have run into that. Experiences that you have had in Toronto and that the people at home have not had (and vice versa) have a way of doing that, whether we want them to or not. It could be that some years down the line, in a relationship, and perhaps with children, you will move back to PEI and with slightly different circumstances and motivations, you will be happy there.
I too have lived, far, far from home although I'm back now.
I went through a similar experience. After spending several years away during my mid-20's to early-30's, my wife and I moved back home to NS to reconnect with family and friends.
Things were great for the first couple of years. But we also missed the "vibe" that came with living in cities like Vancouver and Toronto. My parents had busy lives, my wife and I had busy lives, and the tight friendships we'd had with others soon started to fade as people moved on to start families, moved further away, etc.
We were also getting more frustrated with the resistance to change (Sunday shopping debate threatened to erupt into bloody riots) and slow-moving culture (immigrants? Not on our watch!). What had once seemed charming and unique now felt constricting and boring. The NS we thought we were moving back home to was actually just a sentimental dream. First chance we got, we moved to Toronto. Of course, people thought we were crazy leaving such a "paradise" for what they viewed as a hellhole, but we haven't looked back since we got here.
Like netwit said, you can't go back home. The memories are still there, but our lives are elsewhere now. Our parents come to visit, we go to visit them, and the friends that matter still stay in touch. It's all good.
Thanks Netwit and NorthYorkEd, great responses and advice. It is nice to hear from people who have gone through something similar so I can gain some perspective/knowledge, but also to know I'm not crazy for being unhappy or considering another big change.
I think you nailed it that I am experiencing the 'you can't go home again' phenomenon. As I very much feel it's not so much that this place has changed much, I know what it's like (although I did mostly view it in the vacation-mode experience and memories from years ago) but I've changed as a person. I gained experience in living in other cities and also travelling other places since living here previously. I feel weird being back living permanently where I went to university and it feels I'm sort of losing the person I had become. Like none of that happened and I'm just trying to re-fit back into life here, after just a bunch of time passed. Exactly like you say netwit "Experiences that you have had in Toronto and that the people at home have not had (and vice versa) have a way of doing that, whether we want them to or not."
And then, of course, there's the job which I do not enjoy and makes it more stressful here. If I didn't mind the job or liked it, I feel I could more organically evaluate whether the location could work or not....
I know I had to try living here to figure it out, because it was in the back of my mind for awhile in Toronto and I know it affected my thinking there. Dating for example, I think I held back a little from commitment because as mentioned previously, I did not picture myself there long-term. This learning experience would free my mind up in this and other regards if I end up back there.
I agree too, that perhaps I made the move too early or in the wrong life situation. Although I thought maybe being back home would lead to meeting someone and that working out nicely, I think Toronto lends itself better to 30-something singles. It is quite normal in the city. If I was in a committed relationship and starting a family, the slower pace and smaller town would likely be ok.
At the same time, I want to guard against 'romanticizing' Toronto like I may have done for PEI. And make sure it's not just the negative feelings regarding my job influencing all my other feelings.
I went through a similar experience. After spending several years away during my mid-20's to early-30's, my wife and I moved back home to NS to reconnect with family and friends.
Things were great for the first couple of years. But we also missed the "vibe" that came with living in cities like Vancouver and Toronto. My parents had busy lives, my wife and I had busy lives, and the tight friendships we'd had with others soon started to fade as people moved on to start families, moved further away, etc.
We were also getting more frustrated with the resistance to change (Sunday shopping debate threatened to erupt into bloody riots) and slow-moving culture (immigrants? Not on our watch!). What had once seemed charming and unique now felt constricting and boring. The NS we thought we were moving back home to was actually just a sentimental dream. First chance we got, we moved to Toronto. Of course, people thought we were crazy leaving such a "paradise" for what they viewed as a hellhole, but we haven't looked back since we got here.
Like netwit said, you can't go back home. The memories are still there, but our lives are elsewhere now. Our parents come to visit, we go to visit them, and the friends that matter still stay in touch. It's all good.
I agree with Zoisite, you only have one life, your career and happiness is important. It appears you can visit 3 times a year so that should be good for now.
Exactly how old are your parents? Mine are in their 80's and I'm far away from them but I talk to them lots and see them when I can.
You know what to do!!!
Thanks for sharing, adventuregurl. My folks are 70. We always talked and were close when I was in Toronto and yes I visited 2-3 times/year. This was fine, it wasn't like I NEEDED to be around them or see them more, I know they are always 'there'. I had a feeling that my life would be more fulfilled if I had family around and might lend itself to a great situation if or when I meet someone. At the same time, we would have quality time before a health issue may come up and then I would also be close by for that.
The move was completely my decision and doing, although of course they always wanted to see me more and have me around.
Perhaps you and Zoisite are right As it is proving very difficult to be happy when not content with my job or location. Family is obviously extremely important to me, but they only want to see me content as well. Seeing them 4 times a year (as they will visit once a year while they are able) is actually pretty good. And talking on the phone.
I was excited about PEI for reasons other than family. I thought I was ready for the slower place, and the people are wonderful here. I thought I would see great friends a lot more than I have as well. Instead, now I miss the diversity of my friends in Toronto and the way that they seen me.
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As it is proving very difficult to be happy when not content with my job or location. Family is obviously extremely important to me, but they only want to see me content as well. Seeing them 4 times a year (as they will visit once a year while they are able) is actually pretty good. And talking on the phone.
