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When my mother was 97, she had to be moved from an assisted living facility to a nursing home, where she was in a double room with two beds and two chairs. To me that was not acceptable, and my wife and I rented a simple house in the country in pleasant surroundings, and moved in there with her, which cost per month about what the nursing home cost for two days. We committed ourselves to making her comfortable in her own home and providing all the nursing care she needed by ourselves.
It was meaningful for her to be fussed over by her family, and not paid staff. I think it gave her more comfort to know where she would die, than where she'd live. On the morning that she did not wake up, she was found by her family, not by strangers, and I believe it gave her peace of mind in her last days to know that it would be that way.
(In all fairness to the nursing home, her double room was a temporary measure until a more private space became available. The staff there was absolutely wonderful, and I doubt that there is a better nursing home on earth. It has such an impeccable reputation in the community, people speak of it in hushed tones. But it wasn't home, which was where she deserved to be.)
DO NOT feel guilty-- the whole thing sucks and it's hard but you are not being selfish!! People who attempt to take care of a parent at all costs often get severe burnout- and it's a strain on their family/marriage, their health, and they are not happy & neither is the parent, who feels like a burden. Once they have their basic needs being cared for by professional, that doesn't mean YOU can't still care for them! You will have much more energy to go visit, bring them their favorite food, books, pictures..., maybe take them out, and just sit with them & listen (you'll be doing a lot of that). Trust me that can be exhausting & depressing too..... but at least you can leave and go back to your life!
Unfortunately its sooner or later about the only thing you can do..
Usually at this point their lives pick up somewhat as professionals who are familiar with the condition take over to renew the aging persons interests.
However JT's scenario would be the ideal strategy if possible..
The big question will always be, what is best for ALL the family. My aunt raised me, and I felt more responsible for her than I did for my mother. She had no children. I was also an only child and, looking back now, I don't think that my mother had strong maternal feelings.
The time came when my aunt could no longer live by herself. Both she and my mother were having BIG problems with dementia. Who do I take care of? The problem was complicated by the fact that we had THREE children in college at the same time. Do I quit my job to stay at home with one of them or do I continue working to pay for some of the kids education?
I had to turn my feelings off. I put the aunt in a nursing home (a good one) and I brought my mother in to live with us and hired a sitter to stay with her during the day. This didn't work. She roamed the house all night and we got little sleep. She went to the same nursing home as her sister. They ended up in a room together, but didn't know each other. This lasted about three years when mother fell, broke her hip and died of pnemonia after the surgery to repair it. My aunt died about three years later at the age of 96.
Looking back, I don't feel the least be guilty about keeping my job, keeping my boys in college and doing the best I could for the entire family. Keeping one or both of them in my home was not the best choice as far as we were concerned. And, to make matters worse, my mother in law was also in a nursing home at the same time. I could have cared for her. Her problems were only physical, not mental.
You have to put feelings of obligation to the person aside and consider everyone, especially children.
You have to put feelings of obligation to the person aside and consider everyone, especially children.
Yes, and certainly dementia is one of the hardest to keep home, but each person may come to a different decision.
How we treat our parents is also part of how we educate our own children. I know our children made sacrifices in helping us care for aging parents, but I look at my own kids and am proud of who they are and how caring they are as human beings. Some lessons in life are not at university.
Yes, and certainly dementia is one of the hardest to keep home, but each person may come to a different decision.
How we treat our parents is also part of how we educate our own children. I know our children made sacrifices in helping us care for aging parents, but I look at my own kids and am proud of who they are and how caring they are as human beings. Some lessons in life are not at university.
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Indeed. When dementia leads to physically violent or dangerous behavior, as it sometimes can, and the safety of family members, especially children is even a remote possibility, then there simply is no other choice.
So often the medical requirements of the family member are beyond than the physical and medical care ability of family caretakers. In this instance too there is little choice when in home care is just not enough.
For most families it is a very personal decision not entered into lightly. However, I think families in general give themselves too little credit is assessing their ability to care for an elderly family member and put them in a care facility because it has become an accepted norm in our society. I think it is important for children to understand the aging process and the humility that comes with it. Chances are good that most of us will be in a similar position one day. There but for the grace of God go any of us.
I apologize if there is already a thread on this subject. I also apologize if I posted one in the past - I searched but couldn't find one.
My father, who is 85, has some dementia, mild incontinance, etc., and has steadily been getting worse for the past year or so. My brother could not handle his care anymore - I really thought I could and brought him to live with us a few months ago, but it is just too much stress on myself and my kids. Right now, he is in the hospital (nothing serious) and has been for a few days, and I know this sounds selfish, but it has been such a "weight" off of us. I have to make the decision now whether to go ahead and place him in long-term care or bring him back home here with us.
I love my Dad, and he was a good father, but in many ways, the "Dad" I had whose company I enjoyed, is long long gone. He just stares into space most days, complains about aches and pains, and apologizes for "messing" up the bathroom.
I would like to hear from people who finally made the decision to place their parent in a nursing home or assisted living facility, even if their parent would have preferred not to go.
What were the final "straws" or signs that persuaded you that it was the best thing for everyone concerned?
Thanks for any input.
Do not feel guilty. He is in a different world, or on another planet. You cannot continue caring for him with a family. It is too exhausting.
That said, I visited my Mom today. She is 68 and she has Alzheimer's Disease.
She was forced to retire in 2008. She did move in with us for 1 year. She then began falling and broke her wrist. She also got celluitis of the foot and she had to have her meds adjusted for psychosis.
We decided she needed more care as she was also incontinent too.
Right now she is at a Skilled Nursing Facility, covered by her Medicare and 2nd Insurance, because she got a severe UTI and Sepsis of the Blood.
She was in the ER for 4 days at first...
After that she got dermatitis, and now she has an infection of the bowels.
When she recovers, she will be going back to live at her private pay Residential Care Home which she has lived at for over 1 year.
I went to visit her today, but it had to be brief as she is contagious and I left with her birthday gifts, but I did bring her some Dark Chocolate and a plate of lasagna...
Last edited by Mugsy; 01-15-2011 at 09:43 PM..
Reason: grammer
The minister at my mother's funeral left me with words that I will always remember and appreciate. He said, " Your Mother died a long time ago. It was time for the rest of her to join her."
This is so true. The person with dementia dies twice, once mentally and the other physically. We have to see that the physical being is well taken care of. If we feel we aren't able to properly do it, then we need to place him/her in a place where there is care 24/7.
I don't think anyone's questioning the fact that the father needs to be somewhere that adequate care can be taken care of him and that the OP shoudln't feel bad for doing what she must in order to ensure the safety of her father, the sanity of herself, and the quality of life for her family.
What concerns me is so many people say "Oh it was great - we put so and so in an assisted living and it was wonderful" without getting into HOW they were able to do that.
I.E. was their loved one indigent, and therefore qualified for Medicaid?
Did their loved one have LTC that kicked in?
Did grandma/grampa/aunt/uncle stuff their mattresses with cash/gold?
Did they (the people writing about this) have high paying 6 figure jobs that allowed them to spend 10's of thousands per year in order to have the person in such a situation?
I'm just concerned that so many people talk about this like the EMOTIONAL decision is the only difficult one, and the rest will fall into place.
The financial resources may be equally difficult to come by, or *MORE* difficult to come by. What if you decide that putting the person in an institution is the right thing for them, but they don't have the financial resources?? There are not that many institutions who will do this for free (i.e. charity).
I advise figuring out financially what can be done, and then make the emotional decision after that. It would be tragic to get your hopes up that you can have someone taken care of in an institution and then find out that financially it is impossible.
And - there really are people (like my parents) who do NOT qualify for medicaid, and who do not have enough money to afford a formal (instituional) care setting. Not everyone can just wave their hands and qualify for medicaid, and not every one has a $1,000,000 sitting around. And, care in 24/7 setting can easily run 10's of thousands a year. So, $50K is a drop in the bucket - especially if someone is in the EARLY stages of dementia and can last for years to come.
I realize everyone is trying to offer the OP comfort and I'm not trying to take that away - but if someone else ever searches these threads I want them to know that the financial picture is a VERY important part of the puzzle.
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