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One of our neighbors recently had very intense surgery that left her looking very weak and frail. She has two small children and a few days ago was outside pulling them in a wagon.
I guess seeing this upset mom. Apparently at some point that day she went over to the woman's house and was invited in. The children were present. From what mom tells me, she 'attacked' the neighbor by repeatedly insisting she was available to help if she needed anything. Not just offered or asking...she insisted and when the neighbor tried to tell her she didn't need help, she kept insisting.
Now, I'm hearing about this from only mom's point of view, so I don't know how bad it really was or how it came across. But Mom is now very upset because she feels she acted inappropriately. She think she frightened the children and that the neighbor thinks she's unbalanced or dangerous because she wouldn't leave at first.
If I don't do something to resolve this, she's going to keep obsessing on it and torturing herself. Should I go over and talk to the neighbors myself? Let her apologize in person? Write a note? Should I explain to the neighbors that mom has memory problems and sometimes acts inappropriately, but isn't dangerous? Or just a more generic 'sorry if she was pushy, she was just worried' type apology, whether in person or as a note? We're not close to the neighbors- this is probably the only real interaction we've had, which probably made the situation all the stranger for them.
Topping all of this off is an encounter with the neighbor next store. They have a young child who likes talking to mom, but who also sometimes runs outside without permission. After the encounter with the neighbor across the street, mom was outside gardening when the little girl next door ran out to talk to her. Her father ran out after her and yelled at her and took her in...mom thinks the other neighbor told them the story and the father is afraid to let his daughter interact with mom. I think more likely the father was just upset that the girl ran outside again with permission
I would have to say that if your Mom is emotionally dangerous or physically dangerous to her neighbors...then some kind of action needs to be taken by yourself so it doesnt continue. If its not practical for her to live with you or a Sibling, then maybe its getting closer for you to consider an assisted living Facility where she can be monitored regularly (?)
I would have to say that if your Mom is emotionally dangerous or physically dangerous to her neighbors...then some kind of action needs to be taken by yourself so it doesnt continue. If its not practical for her to live with you or a Sibling, then maybe its getting closer for you to consider an assisted living Facility where she can be monitored regularly (?)
I hardly think that asking the neighbor several times if she could help and being a bit pushy about it makes her physically or emotionally dangerous. I used the word 'attack' only because that is the word mom used herself for her own behavior. It's more along the lines of when someone keeps asking you repeatedly if you'd like a drink after you've declined. Annoying, yes. Dangerous? No. The problem was more in my mother's tendency to hyperfocus when she thinks she's done something to upset someone and her inability to let the situation go. Like the other situation I described where she made a book suggestion for my cousin's son....the suggestion itself wasn't even the issue or that out of line, it was her reaction to her own supposed social misstep that created a situation.
Which is not to say the interaction with the neighbor wasn't a little inappropriate, but from my own conversation with her she didn't seem to have felt upset or threatened in anyway.
One of the hard parts of dealing with this process with my mother is that her condition is very variable. She can be rational for weeks or months with only some short term memory issues. It isn't like dementia where there's a progressive decline.
You know the neighbor had "very intense surgery that left her weak and frail" and she has two small children, but you didn't reach out to her yourself with help or a nice home-cooked meal?
This is what's wrong with the world. People would rather interact with anonymous people on an internet forum than the neighbor, despite the fact that the neighbor is ill and burdened. SMH
No...what's wrong with people in this world is people who jump to judge others without knowing the whole scenario. People who make assumptions and think that just because I person doesn't handle things the way you think they should, they derserve to be berrated. Get over yourself. People like you is probably why some people don't want to meet people.
I don't care if you're shy. Get over it already. This is just an excuse to not care about your neighbors. ('shy': a code word for self-absorption)
The UTI is key to the exacerbation of your mom's 'symptoms'. A Urinary Tract Infection can create or aggravate symptoms of dementia or present as mental illness, surprisingly. That UTI needs to be blown away ASAP. It can get so bad that she can be hospitalized. It can get so bad that she can really become violent and attack the neighbors, become completely disoriented and get lost, a whole host of problems. It is crucial that she take her meds, and you need to stand over her and make sure she does it. If necessary lie and tell her it's for the "flare". Or get a very clearly-worded document from her dr. ordering her to take it. (doctors will do this)
Yep. Stand over her while making a meal for your sick neighbor... (sigh)
Your poor mum...and I really feel for you as her carer.
As far as the neighbours go...you could try to talk to them and explain the situation, but overall I'd say "screw em". They obviously know you have an elderly relative in the home and haven't reached out to you so I wouldn't worry too much about their hurt feelings...she's an old lady after all, it wouldn't kill them to be more understanding.
If you can't be an overbearing cow when you're old, when can you be?
If your mum is really determined to make amends, how about getting her baking or knitting or planting a garden so she can take the produce over? Hopefully by the time its ready she will have forgotten about her dramas and moved on to something else.
There are often activities and things about that the elderly can go to daily or weekly, and volunteers who will come and take them, or even just have a cup of tea with your mum to keep her busy. If she's an intelligent woman (sounds like she is) boredom and inactivity may be half her problem.
...." it isn't like dementia where there's a progressive decline"
There's not always a progressive decline. If it's due to physical changes in the brain, it can happen very suddenly...almost like a stroke.
I am not sure why you posted unless you just wanted to vent. Everytime someone tries to help with advice, you post excuses for yourself and your mother. I think you need to look at her and think about the possibility that she has always had a part of her personality that is not as it should be. Dementia can start very early. It's a malfunction of certain areas of the brain that control behavior patterns. She WILL get worse. Be prepared.
...." it isn't like dementia where there's a progressive decline"
There's not always a progressive decline. If it's due to physical changes in the brain, it can happen very suddenly...almost like a stroke.
I am not sure why you posted unless you just wanted to vent. Everytime someone tries to help with advice, you post excuses for yourself and your mother. I think you need to look at her and think about the possibility that she has always had a part of her personality that is not as it should be. Dementia can start very early. It's a malfunction of certain areas of the brain that control behavior patterns. She WILL get worse. Be prepared.
I got advice that I took by talking to the neighbor. My concern was that I didn't know how bad the situation actually was because my mother exaggerates. I was worried that the situation probably wasn't as bad as she made it out to be (which appears to be the case). My objective was to help her stop focusing on the problem without actually making a small issue into a large one by approaching the neighbors too forcefully. In other words, I didn't want to speak to the neighbors in such a way that created an issue where none existed, which is what likely would have happened if Mother had sent a note or spoken with them directly. I took the advice of someone here and that objective has been satisfied. Not sure what else you expect me to do. Really the overall question is dealing with 'off' behavior in aging parents and explaining such behavior to others, which I think is something most caretakers can relate to.
My mother does not have dementia at this stage. What she has is a cluster of autoimmune conditions that can cause symptoms that are similar. Will her condition worsen in the future? Very likely. Could she end with classic dementia? Possibly. But she is well-doctored for her current conditions and her behavior is not dangerous. When I was 13 she sustained a traumatic brain injury that resulted in similar symptoms to those she displays now, if not significantly worse at times. We survived then and will survive now. There may come a time when she has to be placed in a home for her safety or because I can no longer cope, but I'm not taking that step because she got pushy when offering help to a neighbor.
There are often activities and things about that the elderly can go to daily or weekly, and volunteers who will come and take them, or even just have a cup of tea with your mum to keep her busy. If she's an intelligent woman (sounds like she is) boredom and inactivity may be half her problem.
I think this is part of the problem overall. She is a very smart lady, but also very aware that her mind is failing her. She's also much more social than I am. It would be fantastic if I could get her to join any kind of social group...she used to be a writer, so my first thought is a poetry or book club (she can remember the books she reads fairly well, oddly enough.) We've talked about it on many occasions but she always balks...I think she has anxiety about meeting new people and having them notice her problems.
I think I do need to push on this a little harder though.
Parallel, I don't know where you're at, but is there a college or university close to you? You might be able to find a grad student or even an undergrad with some maturity who is majoring in one of the social sciences or even a pre-med or lit major, someone who might be willing to stay with your mom a few hours a week and either book club with her at home or help her intro to a small club that is close, maybe at a senior center near you? (Wow, what a run-on sentence; maybe send the English major here? LOL!).
My spouse was a pharmacology major and would have given the proverbial right arm to have a small gig like this when in pharmacy school. Mainstream jobs just demanded too much scheduling around a packed curriculum, testing, and studying, but the extra few bucks would have helped enormously. Another thought might be an Eagle Scout - they do all sorts of civic work to finish off their program.
FWIW, I think you handled the situation with the neighbor very well. And that neighbor will tell other neighbors and your mom may have a sympathetic contingent before you know it....once people understand they can accept more, and they are also more willing to let you know if something appears awry.
You wanted a little reassurance and some advice. You listened to our intial postings, you took that advice, the neighbor lady waved at your mom - all is well now.
Don't worry about the people who are harsh (they dont' know your situation and have a chip on their shoulder for whatever reason) or the people who didn't read the whole thread (and apparently have no idea that the reason you wrote in has been resolved).
I often wish there could be a "close thread" button available to the person who started the thread when they've gotten the help they wanted or the situation has otherwise been resolved. Because until this topic falls down low enough, people (some of them awful) will keep randomly commenting (judging, insulting, etc..)
One of the reasons I rarely start threads. I made the mistake of doing that when I first joined (gosh - 5 years ago). The reason for the thread ended, and I even went on the thread and posted that (multiple times) and still - the thread lived on. I just got to the point where I shrugged "meh, its not about my question any more - its a bunch of people arguing with each other".. and just ignored it.
Now I get people who will get mad at something I've said (I'm pretty moderate overall, so its kind of odd) or suggested ... I just ignore them. Its the internet. People misinterpret things all the time.
all this is to say JJcat ... you seem to have a good handle on your mother's situation, and you're doing a good job of helping her to live a decent quality of life.
Don't let the bad (in life and on this board) get you down.
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