Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
One of our neighbors recently had very intense surgery that left her looking very weak and frail. She has two small children and a few days ago was outside pulling them in a wagon.
I guess seeing this upset mom. Apparently at some point that day she went over to the woman's house and was invited in. The children were present. From what mom tells me, she 'attacked' the neighbor by repeatedly insisting she was available to help if she needed anything. Not just offered or asking...she insisted and when the neighbor tried to tell her she didn't need help, she kept insisting.
Now, I'm hearing about this from only mom's point of view, so I don't know how bad it really was or how it came across. But Mom is now very upset because she feels she acted inappropriately. She think she frightened the children and that the neighbor thinks she's unbalanced or dangerous because she wouldn't leave at first.
If I don't do something to resolve this, she's going to keep obsessing on it and torturing herself. Should I go over and talk to the neighbors myself? Let her apologize in person? Write a note? Should I explain to the neighbors that mom has memory problems and sometimes acts inappropriately, but isn't dangerous? Or just a more generic 'sorry if she was pushy, she was just worried' type apology, whether in person or as a note? We're not close to the neighbors- this is probably the only real interaction we've had, which probably made the situation all the stranger for them.
Topping all of this off is an encounter with the neighbor next store. They have a young child who likes talking to mom, but who also sometimes runs outside without permission. After the encounter with the neighbor across the street, mom was outside gardening when the little girl next door ran out to talk to her. Her father ran out after her and yelled at her and took her in...mom thinks the other neighbor told them the story and the father is afraid to let his daughter interact with mom. I think more likely the father was just upset that the girl ran outside again with permission
If your mom wants to apologize, I'd let her - but you don't know if your mom's perception of the incidents is correct, am I right? Not sure exactly what your mom's condition is....
I think I'd have a word of prayer with both neighbors, explain the situation, and also enlist their help with your mom - they are in a position to know probably more quickly than you (unless you live with mom) if your mom is having an "off" day or truly acting inappropriately or if there was a true emergency and could notify you if need be. I'd leave my contact numbers with them. If the neighbor or the children were frightened by your mom, perhaps an apology and some cookies could help mend that fence.
I have a friend with an older neighbor and we still can't decide if she has some early dementia or is just a wackadoodle. She doesn't appear to be dangerous to herself or others but fairly recently has begun talking to someone we can't see that lives under the birdbath and feeds the mice in the neighborhood on her front porch. Lovely. We have never seen family or friends there; I assure you, an explanation and knowing someone is looking out for this woman would be appreciated, as well as an emergency contact in case things went south at any point. She tells us the nice lady with the "age place" comes by and checks on her and she's neat and clean and well fed, so we assume this is true....but knowing the real situation would be somewhat of a comfort, especially if it came from a concerned family member.
Do you think your mom has some paranoia setting in? And what exactly is her condition?
The neighbors are perhaps just uneasy because they dont know what is going on. I agree with the previous poster to go over and explain. Cookies are a good idea to. Sit down with the adults and as the poster said, enlist their eyes to help you know what is happening.
If you dont, it could escalate beyond fixing. Neighbors can be a huge help and probably will just be relieved and may come up with other good ideas you have not thought of.
I don't think there's anything you can do to change the fact that your mom "attacked" (her words) the neighbor...I don't think letters or explanations will change the way they will feel about her....and I also think the neighbor (who's daughter talks to your mom), was only angry because he/she now fears your mom as well.....You can explain your moms aggressiveness, and why to them....and though they'll likely say they understand....they'll never feel the same towards her....Mom could apologize, and it would probably help her to feel better....but it should be HER, (maybe you and her)...if it's just from YOU...it won't carry the same weight.
If your mom wants to apologize, I'd let her - but you don't know if your mom's perception of the incidents is correct, am I right? Not sure exactly what your mom's condition is....
Basically, my mom has a cluster of auto immune problems that combined have caused problems with short term memory and emotional outbursts.
She tends to fixate on things, to the point where she'll keep bringing the subject up every two minutes and obsessing over it. But she also remembers things incorrectly and sometimes makes a very large mountain out of a very small mole hill.
There's two likely scenarios for what actually happened...either mom just asked if the neighbor needed help, she said no, and mom left peacefully. Or mom really did make a scene. Both are equally likely.
As an example, my cousin was over recently and mentioned she was looking for reading material for her 12 year old son. Mom suggested the Hunger Games and my cousin said her son was too young for it. No big deal, right? Mom fixated on this conversation and sent my cousin a long apology letter for suggesting the book at all, she should have known better, etc. I have no idea why she felt just making a suggestion deserved an apology, but she was really upset about it.
So when mom is saying it was a big scene and really bad, I can't depend on that. On the other hand, she has acted inappropriately and caused scenes before, so it certainly could be true. I guess I don't want to make it a bigger deal than it was by being over dramatic with the apology process, since I don't know what really happened.
I do actually live with her...I'm her primary caretaker. I was at the store when this happened and she didn't tell me until the next day because she was ashamed.
If she has some paranoia issues, they're centered around her own actions and how they are perceived.
I would go to the neighbor and just explain the situation -
"My mother told me that you and she had a visit the other day, and she is terribly afraid that she upset you".
The neighbor will either deny it, "oh no - it was fine" or acknowledge it "She did come on a little strong".
You can't force this family to be friends with you/your mother, but to put your mom's mind at ease, you can attempt to make ammends (if that is even necessary) with this family.
Basically, my mom has a cluster of auto immune problems that combined have caused problems with short term memory and emotional outbursts.
She tends to fixate on things, to the point where she'll keep bringing the subject up every two minutes and obsessing over it. But she also remembers things incorrectly and sometimes makes a very large mountain out of a very small mole hill.
There's two likely scenarios for what actually happened...either mom just asked if the neighbor needed help, she said no, and mom left peacefully. Or mom really did make a scene. Both are equally likely.
As an example, my cousin was over recently and mentioned she was looking for reading material for her 12 year old son. Mom suggested the Hunger Games and my cousin said her son was too young for it. No big deal, right? Mom fixated on this conversation and sent my cousin a long apology letter for suggesting the book at all, she should have known better, etc. I have no idea why she felt just making a suggestion deserved an apology, but she was really upset about it.
So when mom is saying it was a big scene and really bad, I can't depend on that. On the other hand, she has acted inappropriately and caused scenes before, so it certainly could be true. I guess I don't want to make it a bigger deal than it was by being over dramatic with the apology process, since I don't know what really happened.
I do actually live with her...I'm her primary caretaker. I was at the store when this happened and she didn't tell me until the next day because she was ashamed.
If she has some paranoia issues, they're centered around her own actions and how they are perceived.
Bless you for being there for your mom. Personally, I'd take dessert over to the neighbor's house and let her know that your mother notified you that she might have overstepped her boundaries, in her attempt to offer help to the neighbor, and feels terrible about it. You should be able to tell (words or no words), whether or not that happened. Good luck to you. What a stressful situation that must be for you.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Overstepping
