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To the OP, I hate to tell you this, but you would feel overwhelmed if you were 35, 45, 55, or whatever.
Do yourself a favor and heed the advice given here and educate yourself. Watch some videos on youtube on being a caregiver and pretty soon you will realize many others have gone through what you are going through. And it gets worse, and then much worse. And sometimes your own family members will turn their back on you for all sorts of reasons. Enough said.
I have some horror stories for you, but I have my path and you are just starting on yours.
I spent years caring for elderly parents and I can tell you it's no picnic whether you are 25 or 55.
When I asked my parents what their plan was when they reached this stage in their life, they would tell me that they never planned to live this long.
Nonetheless, the stubbornly insisted that they wouldn't move, wouldn't see a decent doctor (theirs was a quack)...
OP, I fear I may have overwhelmed you with all the information in one of my posts.
Please know there’s NO NEED to be scared into a frenzy.
At this point you’re still getting a hand on exactly what the situation is...
While it is true...that looking after parents and getting more involved in their lives and needs -- can be overwhelming.
That’s only because it’s new to us – NOT because it CAN’T be done.
So, sure there’s a steep learning curve, and lots of facets to it – BUT -- it CAN be managed.
Just do what you can, when you can.
I’d say first and foremost -- please don’t be RUSHED into any decisions.
Unless a decision affects IMMEDIATE survival, and LIFE and death – IT CAN WAIT, and what will be, will be.
You CAN take the time YOU NEED to gather any information or do any research you think would help you.
Will you be stressed? Sure. You already are. This can’t be done – totally stress-free .
As others so rightfully said – it’s stressful at ANY age.
But please, DO NOT feel guilty about the fact some things WILL just have to wait.
Many of us here have been down this road ahead of you....and likely had more life under our belts when we had to start this journey.
I hope our experiences – and any knowledge gained and shared -- will help you.
At just 53, I hate to sound like an old fogey.....but you will get though it, and this too shall pass....just do the best you can.
...and remember to be kind to yourself in the process......in other words cut yourself some slack, because neglecting your needs and running yourself into the ground WON"T HELP YOU or YOUR PARENTS.
It's no picnic to go through this when you are 45 or 55 but at least you can talk to your friends who are going through the same thing. Friends/SO will/ or at least should be understanding.
I, too, am sorry for the situation you've been placed in. When I was 25, my parents were still helping me. Which is why I have been there for them in their distressed elder years. But I was more than twice your age when that started and I had a more stable life than anyone could possibly have so soon out of college.
I agree strongly with all those who encourage you not to take any chances with your job. You are establishing yourself and these are important years in shaping your future career. It's unlikely that your parents will still be with you when you are in your middle age; only you will be looking out for you. So for you to rock your boat to take care of them is not a good plan for the future.
If your father has failed to make plans for their old age that are adequate to cover the current situation, it's not your fault. He probably feels guilty about his poor planning, overwhelmed with the situation, and angry in his grief. I sincerely believe he doesn't mean to take it out on you. But if my experience (and the experience of many of my friends is any indication), he likely will. Often alternating accusations with speeches about how he doesn't know what he would do without you.
You made a great decision to see an attorney. You need to make sure whatever finances they have are being used to their best advantage. Also you need to establish how to go about getting the powers of attorney you need, the wills and medical care plans they DEFINITELY need, etc. I live in Arizona and we have elder care services at the county level. I have found my Pima Council on Aging to be a great source of sound advice and assistance. When my mother's care needs became overwhelming, they got ME counseling. In our first meeting, I cried almost the whole time. But eventually the social worker helped my to assess what my mother's needs were, how best to address them, and how I could afford (emotionally as well as financially) to respond to those needs. I hope you can find similar sensible and helpful assistance. That's what social workers are for.
But, above all, don't give up YOUR life in a vain attempt to save theirs. You have many years ahead of you and you need to plan better for them than your parents did. For you to live safely and productively in your independence is the best gift you can give your parents. You love them but there are limits to what you should sacrifice for them. Your job, your new home, and your friends are the things you need to hold on to ... and they would realize that if they weren't so caught up in their own stress.
Good luck to you and best wishes to your parents for more peaceful days ahead.
OP, I fear I may have overwhelmed you with all the information in one of my posts.
Please know there’s NO NEED to be scared into a frenzy.
At this point you’re still getting a hand on exactly what the situation is...
While it is true...that looking after parents and getting more involved in their lives and needs -- can be overwhelming.
That’s only because it’s new to us – NOT because it CAN’T be done.
So, sure there’s a steep learning curve, and lots of facets to it – BUT -- it CAN be managed.
Just do what you can, when you can.
I’d say first and foremost -- please don’t be RUSHED into any decisions. Unless a decision affects IMMEDIATE survival, and LIFE and death – IT CAN WAIT, and what will be, will be. You CAN take the time YOU NEED to gather any information or do any research you think would help you.
Will you be stressed? Sure. You already are. This can’t be done – totally stress-free .
As others so rightfully said – it’s stressful at ANY age.
But please, DO NOT feel guilty about the fact some things WILL just have to wait.
Many of us here have been down this road ahead of you....and likely had more life under our belts when we had to start this journey.
I hope our experiences – and any knowledge gained and shared -- will help you.
At just 53, I hate to sound like an old fogey.....but you will get though it, and this too shall pass....just do the best you can.
...and remember to be kind to yourself in the process......in other words cut yourself some slack, because neglecting your needs and running yourself into the ground WON"T HELP YOU or YOUR PARENTS.
From another friend with a variety of caregiving experience (parents, aunt, spouse) the highlighted sentences are great advice. Taking your time and gathering information before making major decisions works extremely well.
There are many wonderful people on C-D with a lot of experience in caregiving who can answer your basic questions, give practical suggestions and help you with ideas when you are stressed and overwhelmed.
OP, you may need to take a week or two off to take care of your parents business. Getting everything in place takes a lot of phone calling, leg work, and research. You cant get much done being 10 hours away other than phone calls, but even then the calls are not quick one answer calls. I went through this with both parents, I started out at DSS and was assigned a case worker, I got power of attorney because you will need that down the road especially when dealing with their finances. And with you being so young, I know you will have to show them the copy of your POA. The process can be long and drawn out and tons of paperwork. People on my job use FMLA all the time and I have never known anyone to get fired from it, I used it last year for a week. The FMLA process is very technical, lots of paper work and verifying of information and is a completely separate thing from your work place. They will mail you a packet and you will have to fax the paperwork back to them. Once they get the paper work, you have to wait to get approve or not and your HR person will let you know if your FMLA was approved or turned down, it is not an automatic thing. Also someone from FMLA will call you and ask you a lot of detailed questions. Only thing I can think of is to why a person can get fired after using FMLA is knowingly put down false information to perhaps get extra time off or money they didn't qualify for. Everything have to match up to what you put down on your paper work and the FMLA people will contact the doctors to verify everything. Nothing else I can add to this because you have been given some good info. I'm just so sorry you have to do this alone and I wish you the best.
You are getting some great, and overwhelming advice here. It is truly one bite at a time, and once you have made some initial contacts in their area, if indeed they are to stay there, you can probably set up appointments to occur within a single period of a few days so that you don't need to spend weeks on end away from your home just to be making phone calls and appointments over several weeks' time.
Making lists helps get an overwhelming, disorganized, amorphous challenge out of your head and onto a piece of paper so that you can sleep at night. (Okay, probably into a device at your age! lol)
I think the first step you should take, though, is to set the boundaries of what you are willing and able to do while still maintaining your life. Within these parameters, the whole task should come more clearly into focus and be less overwhelming. When there are no boundaries, it makes it much harder to make decisions. Also, having a firm limit as to what is and is not possible will make it easier (not to say more pleasant) to deal with your father should he have unreasonable, emotionally based demands. You can still deal with those demands in a sympathetic, kind manner if that's the tone you prefer, but with clear, consistent limits.
In a way I think it's like parenting a young child: "I understand that you want to do that, but we can't. These are our limits; We can do this, or we can do that. Which one do you prefer?" Having an overall goal--an end game--for how this will work long term will allow you to make more effective short-term decisions and keep mistakes and misunderstandings to a minimum. But it won't eliminate them. Whether he agrees initially or not, I think your dad will have more peace knowing how things are going to be and that someone has a plan. Since he didn't (sorry, this is my own resentment coming through a bit! lol).
If you don't BEGIN by establishing your space within this--time for yourself, space for yourself, emotional and mental energy to focus on your life--believe me, it will get crowded out by all the demands--bureaucratic, emotional, physical--being placed on you. START there, communicate these limits consistently, and then do what you can, step by step. It's not time to panic.
Things will be alright, really, whether you get them on Medicaid or not (people jump to this, for some reason, but it is not always possible nor the right answer, and you can spend A LOT of time and energy finding that out). Whether a reverse mortgage is expensive or not. Whether your dad gets angry and confused or not. Things will shake out, and in the end they will not starve to death or be subjected to harm. They will be relatively safe and comfortable one way or another--in fact, with or without you, probably! Everything you do for them is a gift above and beyond that, and you can (at moments) feel joyful about being able to give them that.... If that puts it into perspective at all.
Last edited by Montanama; 05-22-2014 at 07:35 AM..
It seems to me the big picture is that you want to help your parents as much as possible without completely disrupting your life trajectory. That seems reasonable.
So two options for the current situation, which seems to be in general that they can live on their own but need consistent help: 1) Move closer so that I can help you or 2) Stay where you are and get someone to come in and help a few times a week, and more as needed (which might quickly become cost prohibitive).
So:
Dad, it's important to me to help you as much as I can. It's also important that I keep my life going, or we're all going to go down in flames. I can't help you if my life comes apart at the seams. I think we can make this work for all of us!
Dad, it looks like you could sell your house for about this much: $________. Here's what you could buy/rent close to me for this price: $_____________. (Or if you're not ready to sell, here's what you can rent the house out for, and what you could get for that near me and also near medical care! Baby steps!)
If you want to stay there, here's what is costs to have someone come in to the house twice a week for 3 hours/visit (or whatever they need).
It's a place to start, and he might have a reasonable response. If he doesn't then some of the steps you mentioned earlier, like getting a POA and taking over entirely, might be necessary. Cross that bridge when you come to it.
You can even present him with what an assisted living facility actually costs. That will be a huge reality check, believe me. If you call them and just ask them to send the information WITH the cost breakdown, they will send it to you in my experience.
You could even break down for him what the reality would be if you lost your job and moved to be closer to them. It might not be as appealing as he has imagined it would be, and he might understand more clearly why this is not an option. (OTOH, it might just open a can of worms, and you don't owe him an explanation on this, so you might not mention it at all--you know your father!)
You'll be presenting him with a reality, rather than a big scary unknown. You're allowing him to make a choice, within the boundaries you've set. It's still a lot of work, don't get me wrong. Still a lot of phone calls, overseeing movers, etc. Still a lot of emotional energy too.
By the way, if they live in a college town, it's possible to find a really reliable college student or two who can do some in home care for a reasonable cost. They generally have a car and can provide transportation, light housework, etc. Many are happy to have a flexible extra income. Check with a CPA as to how many hours can be worked without them becoming an "employee". If the school has a nursing program, you are golden--this is great for their resumes! If you need nursing care, though, even that can be reasonably affordable if it's just once or twice a week--the benefit there is that the company will have vetted the caregivers and will be bonded and insured.
It might help, but you are not alone. I am turning 25 soon and also have one parent with health issues while the other parent is of no help or complicates things.
*hugs* It might do some good to read that thread since some of it may apply to you as well. I would not take FMLA since your colleague was let go afterwards, so you definitely should not do that. Is the house owned or is there still a mortgage? What exactly are your parents' finances? There are just so much missing that you need to dig further into. It might be helpful to write down how many expenses they have and how much income they have coming in on a spreadsheet.
Your parents need to come forth with everything (income, assets, savings, etc,) Then, you can decide which is the best option for them both now that you know their finances. Whether they should move in with you but still hire a full time/part time nurse aide to help, maybe an assisted facility will be better, or a nursing home. This cannot be done unless you know their finances. Once you know their finances, then you can decide if they should move in with you and hire a nurse aide or it's better for them to live in an assisted facility. You're young. Would you regret not spending more time with your parents while they were living because once they're gone, they're be gone forever? However, since you are so young, you also don't want to spend your youth not doing things that you will regret later down the road. Only you can answer which option is the one that you're more comfortable with.
Your father is just experiencing caretaker's burnout and wants to lash out on you. He's probably experiencing stress and extreme anxiety right now, so it's easy to take it out on someone who in his mind *should* take part. Don't feel guilty however because you ARE doing a lot for your parents already, he's just emotional right now. It's hard to take it, but know that you are doing the best that you can and you need to sit down with him to resolve it. Be calm in what you say since adults can be temperamental/volatile, you just have to BE CALM about it.
Either way, best of luck to you.
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Enough said. 
, I hate to sound like an old fogey.....but you will get though it, and this too shall pass....just do the best you can.
However, since you are so young, you also don't want to spend your youth not doing things that you will regret later down the road. Only you can answer which option is the one that you're more comfortable with.
