I am 25 with elderly, sick parents. I feel very overwhelmed and need help! (child, adult)

[Cigur11]

My mom was recently diagnosed with a stage III brain tumor, finished radiation, and now needs assistance with daily living. She has trouble speaking clearly, reading anything complicated, and doing tasks that require fine motor skills. She also has unpredictable mild seizures even with medication. She and my father, who is retired and 72 years old, live 10 hours away from me. My father has his own less serious medical conditions and was able to take care of my mom at first, but he is having a harder and harder time caring for her. I visit every other weekend for 3-4 days, but the long drive and days off are taking a toll on my job, finances, and health. We have no other family to relieve him.

My father had a breakdown today and accused me of neglecting my parents for my job and friends because I refused to take FMLA for several months like he wanted. I am willing to take a few weeks, but any very reluctant to take FMLA for longer because one of my former coworkers was legally let go as soon as she returned from 3 months of FMLA. I am also reluctant to quit my job and try to find another where they live in this job market considering how long I was unemployed post graduation. I am also trying to hang on to my friends where I live because I have no other family in the United States besides my parents, and when they pass I will be completely alone in life save for friends.

I want to move my parents down to where I live, but my father is strongly resisting the idea because he hates change and they have lived in the same house for 30+ years. If I am unable to convince him to move, I need to know if I can get power of attorney for my mom against his wishes, and whether I can move my mom without his consent. What kind of attorney would I need to consult?

I am also thinking about assisted living both where they live and where I live. I have no idea the difference between nursing homes, retirement centers, and assisted living. I also don't think my parents can afford any of it, but then again I have no idea because none of the websites for these places have prices, just flashy brochures. Neither of them works, and their Social Security places them in one of those weird income categories where their income is "too high" for Medicaid but too low to afford anything but living check-to-check. The most I could give them is $500 a month considering my own finances, which is why I would prefer they move in with me instead of spending who-knows-how-much on assisted living.

I feel so insanely overwhelmed because my father is turning to me with all the questions even though I barely know what to do, but then refuses to do anything I suggest. I feel angered that he accuses me of not caring for my mom, considering I found all of her doctors, coordinated her treatment remotely, visit regularly, and call daily. I scream and cry in my room when I am alone because my friends don't really understand what I'm going through, and are preoccupied with their own typical young people stuff.

Any advice or even a kind word is appreciated.

[Huckleberry3911948]

you need support and help. i have gone thru what you are going thru.
you cant do this on your own.
if you quit your job and come home to them--- all 3 will fail.
you must get assistance in moving your parents to a place of safety and care.
it seems they might not be able to continue to live on their own.
they will fight very hard for control, you will be seen as a major tool in this battle for their continued independence if you allow it.
dont let crazy people direct your actions, even your own parents. drowning people are not good managers.
you might not think so but you are in a much stronger position over the phone than living in their house jobless.
the scope of this problem is way above what you can accomplish by typing on CDF.
i hope this has helped some.
i have faced what you face 2 times in my life once at 19 and again at 45. almost killed me but i succeeded.
.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Cigur11

My mom was recently diagnosed with a stage III brain tumor, finished radiation, and now needs assistance with daily living. She has trouble speaking clearly, reading anything complicated, and doing tasks that require fine motor skills. She also has unpredictable mild seizures even with medication. She and my father, who is retired and 72 years old, live 10 hours away from me. My father has his own less serious medical conditions and was able to take care of my mom at first, but he is having a harder and harder time caring for her. I visit every other weekend for 3-4 days, but the long drive and days off are taking a toll on my job, finances, and health. We have no other family to relieve him.

My father had a breakdown today and accused me of neglecting my parents for my job and friends because I refused to take FMLA for several months like he wanted. I am willing to take a few weeks, but any very reluctant to take FMLA for longer because one of my former coworkers was legally let go as soon as she returned from 3 months of FMLA. I am also reluctant to quit my job and try to find another where they live in this job market considering how long I was unemployed post graduation. I am also trying to hang on to my friends where I live because I have no other family in the United States besides my parents, and when they pass I will be completely alone in life save for friends.

I want to move my parents down to where I live, but my father is strongly resisting the idea because he hates change and they have lived in the same house for 30+ years. If I am unable to convince him to move, I need to know if I can get power of attorney for my mom against his wishes, and whether I can move my mom without his consent. What kind of attorney would I need to consult?

I am also thinking about assisted living both where they live and where I live. I have no idea the difference between nursing homes, retirement centers, and assisted living. I also don't think my parents can afford any of it, but then again I have no idea because none of the websites for these places have prices, just flashy brochures. Neither of them works, and their Social Security places them in one of those weird income categories where their income is "too high" for Medicaid but too low to afford anything but living check-to-check. The most I could give them is $500 a month considering my own finances, which is why I would prefer they move in with me instead of spending who-knows-how-much on assisted living.

I feel so insanely overwhelmed because my father is turning to me with all the questions even though I barely know what to do, but then refuses to do anything I suggest. I feel angered that he accuses me of not caring for my mom, considering I found all of her doctors, coordinated her treatment remotely, visit regularly, and call daily. I scream and cry in my room when I am alone because my friends don't really understand what I'm going through, and are preoccupied with their own typical young people stuff.

Any advice or even a kind word is appreciated.

Big HUGS honey, I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with!

Here's the thing...they are your parents, and I know you love them, but in their right minds they would never have never intended to put their beloved child through all this.

You need reinforcements - support of your own, especially at this stage of your young life.

Contact the United Way in the city they live in. Someone there should be able to direct you to the proper resources for them and for yourself, including an attorney if you need one.

Moving in with you is not a good plan - they need professional care and you should in no way feel guilty about that okay? It was their job to plan better well before now, especially given that they were so much older when they had you.

Stop feeling guilty and just remember to breathe.

[rdflk]

^^ Ditto.
Do what you can -- and DON'T feel guilty about what you CAN'T do.

Step back and think rationally. What would you advise your closest friend of 20 years to do? Someone once said we'd give our loved ones better advice than we'd give ourselves -- just because with them we can be objective. And we'd put ourselves in situations we would want for others.

Try not to live with regrets -- but also -- don't be GUILTED into anything.

If you dad isn't taking any suggestions your making, then at some point you may have to accept you can't help those who won't be helped.

The truth is you ARE in an overwhelming situation. And it may get more so -- as you get more of a handle on what help is available to them.

-- Will dad be honest with you about all their finances and estate planning?
-- Also hate to ask, but what's the prognosis for mom? Survival, or not? With dad still having the final say on things he's going to be your roadblock on certain things...like selling their house or them moving. I take it mom has no say?
-- Call the county department for aging where they live -- OR ask the patient rep at the hospital where mom has been treated..... -- they can get you to social workers.
-- Do they have POAs, medical directives, wills, etc. in place? Do they have an attorney who deals with ELDER CARE issues?

Back to finances for a moment. unless they have enough money for the needs and upkeep of all THREE of you ...I wouldn't suggest you jeopardize your job.

IF -- you left your job to care for them
1) You'd STILL need to pay some other aides because you couldn't care for them BOTH -- 24/7.
2) You'd be giving up YOUR life......

Let's say you do that for 10+ years until they both pass away....then where are YOU.....at 35 or 40?

It sounds like you've done what you can....their situation is getting more dire......the help they need is increasing....your dad isn't cooperating....and you're trying to deal with it all ....long distance.

If I may suggest.....(and I know it's not easy)....
Put on the brakes, take a deep breath, and relax...you MUST be able to THINK CLEARLY. Without that your anxiety will only feed on itself...and you'll be a nervous, burned out wreck, not able to function to make the best decisions for YOU -- OR THEM.

All you can do is make the best decisions you can with the information you have at the time. Not many decisions are final. If you decide one thing and it doesn't work out. Try something else. If it turns out one choice wasn't the best -- you still did the best you could. Feeling GUILTY will NOT help you.

In situations like this being able to make well thought out decisions is one of the main things you have going for you ....lose that and start to fall apart -- and YOUR situation and THEIRS could suffer for it.

You DO have a steep learning curve ahead....just be orderly, organized.....and keep doing what you reasonable can.
Keep using any government and/or social services available....

[Tappan Zee]

I don't know where your parents live but, try contacting your local county Division of Senior Services. A county social worker may talk/interview your situation and then may talk to your parents and assess the situation. You should probably give your parents a heads up if a social worker will want to pay a visit.
Depends on the state you live in, sometimes a social worker maybe accompanied by law enforcement to make sure the environment is safe for the person to enter the home in case the home owner is hostile even though they are in need of special care at the stage of their life.

[Blondy]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Its a lot for anyone, but especially so young and without family or friends that are experienced enough to help.

The type of attorney would be an Eldercare Attorney. Many attorney's will give you a free consultation which would help you get started.

Was your mother treated in a hospital? Most have caseworkers/social workers that can help. Some also have support groups for care givers. I would try to find one of those in your area. It would give you some emotional support and also a place to find practical help from others who have the same situation.

Its hard when your friends cant support you, but at your age most of your friends haven't dealt with these things. You need a break from worrying about all this 24/7. Use your friends to support you that way and give your mind a break for a meal or a movie, etc.

Aside from the very real problems you face, there is a lot of emotion involved here. Its ok to feel all that, but try not to let it overwhelm you. Problems have solutions and the easiest way to get there is to break the problem down into bite sized pieces. Tackle one thing at a time.

I think you're right to save your FMLA time as you may need it later.

I would focus first on trying to get some immediate help for your father. Do they have any friends, neighbors or a church you could enlist? What are the specific things overwhelming your father?

Are there things you can take over like bill paying. Ordering groceries delivered to their house if that's available. Hire a housekeeper a couple times or once a month. I know you said they live check to check, but are you sure they have no money saved somewhere?

You could check to see if there is an adult day care center near them. If your mom could go there once or twice a week even it would give your father a break.

I agree you should not move them in with you. Either figure out how to get them help in their own home, or work on your father to find an assisted living facility for them to move to. Its too much to care for them in your home while also working especially if your fathers health declines and he cant deal with your mom during the day.

Try to just focus on one step at a time. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Take care of yourself or youre no good to anyone else.

Check Senior Services in their county to find whats available. Things like Meals on Wheels are not necessarily income based for example.

[rdflk]

I will add one caveat about getting the county/state involved in your situation BEYOND just getting information on which programs and services might be available.

Before you fill out any paperwork or answer any (specific) questions about your parents finances or conditions -- or let ANY state county worker come for an in-home visit...I'd have a VERY good handle on the situation first.

Once you get them TOO involved in the situation, you don't want anything turned against YOU, re elder neglect or abuse, etc.
States DON'T usually hold children responsible for parental support -- but more than 25 have laws on the books so they COULD if they wanted to.

You don't need a county file or a city worker butting their nose in IF -- it's not going to help. You never know what they might report or make note of. You don't need something innocent becoming a big deal.

Fo example -- how about working with your parent's DOCTORS...maybe if THEY tell you dad another place might be better he'd listen to his or your mom's medical provider.

Just like with child welfare...sometimes once you get state officials TOO involved in your business...you can't get them OUT of it.

[wannagonorth]

I agree with almost everything else that has been said, but I have a question. Since your parents have lived in the same place for 30+ years and they're not so old, do they have friends, neighbors, former co-workers, church members who might be willing to look in on your Mom and help your Dad a bit? The whole burden shouldn't fall on you, an only child who lives several states away and is just starting out in a career. If your father unwilling to trust anyone but you in the home and won't let others help, then you need to talk to him about that and perhaps contact some of your mother's friends yourself. They might not know what they can do to help and may just be waiting for someone to let them know.

You should also find out if there's a visiting nurse service or similar in your parent's home county that your mother would be eligible for. It's just not realistic for your father to expect you to drop your life and move in with them. He's thinking in crisis mode, but you need to think for the longer term, and it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. I wish you luck.

[Meyerland]

Can your parents do a reverse mortgage and pay for live in help with the money? That would be a last resort, but it would be a way to have them be independent till the end. Although I have never had experience with a reverse mortgage or known anyone to use one.

[Halo_in_reverse]

I'm sorry that someone so young and just starting their adult life has to go through this. But as others have said, you definitely need some help. You can't shoulder this alone, you're not equipped to do so ((hugs)).

If your mom had cancer she should have had a nurse navigator or case manager while in treatment. The case manager is there to help you find appropriate resources both pre and post operatively.

Good luck and you're not being bad, no one can shoulder these things alone.