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Time to have a come to jesus meeting with the family. First with your siblings; then with the parents; then perhaps with everyone.
Find out exactly where everyone stands--not where you think they stand.
The situation "is what it is". If there are resources, use them. If there are none, turn to the government for various assistance programs.
Two points: You have no "moral" obligation to take you parents in if it significantly (we all have minor skirmishes with those close to us) deteriorates your quality of life: i.e., they are combative and you can't find harmony with them. The other point is that they are "not that old" and can (only those close to them really know) probably live independently (perhaps with a professional to check on them once per day) for some period of time yet. I know I would NOT want someone coming along telling me that I can't do the household chores (cut the grass, clean the windows, etc.) if I feel up to it. If I fall and break my neck, so be it. My personal desire is to die living life--maybe your parents will feel the same way.
Time to have a come to jesus meeting with the family. First with your siblings; then with the parents; then perhaps with everyone.
Find out exactly where everyone stands--not where you think they stand.
^ This is always a good idea.
One thing not mentioned...in almost all states now there are "companions and homemakers" type businesses who will send someone (not a medical professional, unless you request one) to your parents' home for as few or as many hours per day as needed. These people will not do heavy work outdoors, but can help with meals, laundry, housekeeping, and company. It does not cost an outrageous amount (as say, and ALF or nursing home would) and if your folks cannot afford it, a small HELOC on the house would go a long way.
I think you should be careful about deciding to sell their home. They should have something to say about that.
You don't mention any broken bones or trips to the ER. That's probably why there may be a difference of opinion among the siblings. There are a lot of things that can be done in terms of exercise and changing the environment to make it safer. Take him to an orthopedic surgeon if he keeps having falls and get him on a physical therapy program to strengthen and improve balance. 75 is still quite young, especially if you're getting around on your own. We have several in their 80s and 90s living on their own in 3-story townhouses in our neighborhood. We also have one who's living with his kids because of Alzheimer's. We also have a multigenerational Chinese household across the street where all of the elderly and middle-aged go out for walks everyday.
Hello. I just joined this site, and originally posted my question in Non-Romantic Relationships forum ( http://www.city-data.com/forum/non-r...o-my-home.html ), not knowing there was a Caregiving forum. Re-posting here. Very appreciative of any advice you can provide.
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I'm in my 40s, living in my own large home... I like it that way. Have two elderly parents (75 and 76), who are showing signs that they need a change of residence -- both have health problems, dad has fallen multiple times although he still tries to do everything (household chores in & outside the home) he did when younger, mom fell once sustaining severe injury, just generally declining in their ability to manage basic tasks, and I fear things will keep getting worse (eventually dad will be unsafe driving, etc.).
I have three older siblings who will not help me to care for our parents in any way. Feeling pressure to move them in with me, although it will be unpleasant for us all, as we have not had great relationships with one another ever. Parents have very limited options financially -- but I'm looking into possibly them selling their house, then obtaining a reverse mortgage for another residence that would be more senior-friendly than their current home. Cannot afford assisted living facilities. On waiting list for low-cost Senior Housing for years, but no openings.. Can't count on this as a viable option.
Just feeling a lot of pressure, anxiety, and dread over this matter. Really do not want to move them into my home due to incompatible personalities, but feeling that it's my moral obligation to do so. Anyone been in similar circumstances? How would you deal with this? Thank you.
You should not feel guilty. Just move them to an ALF, and if your siblings complain, tell THEM to take care of your parents. It's not a requirement that we take care of our parents; after all, we didn't ask to be here in the first place.
Location: Somewhere gray and damp, close to the West Coast
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My SO, no spring chicken himself, moved his very elderly (now 102) mother in and cared for her for nine years, and I think the stress was bad for him -- many of his degenerative conditions like Parkinson's got worse. Just over a year ago, he needed to place her in a care center because her needs got too complicated to handle at home. It's good to see him relaxing more and happier, now that the stress is lifted some. Also, his younger brother is taking a lot more responsibility now because he lives very close to the nursing home!
Look, I'm gonna say don't move them in with you if you think it's gonna make you miserable. I want my dad to move in with me, but we get along and respect each other's space/boundaries. I do not view him living with me with dread. You do not OWE your parents anything unless they provided extraordinary monetary support to you beyond raising you and you never paid them back. Even then, that's a monetary debt.
Moreover, my father can mostly take care of himself. He just has no care for housekeeping and is AT RISK for breaking a hip or some other household disaster, in addition to bad vision that means he shouldn't drive. He also lives alone in a semi-rural area, so there's no one there but the dog.
They don't sound that bad yet in a lot of ways though. What areas are they having problems in? Could you perhaps hire a home health care worker to check on your parents regularly and maybe a cleaning service to take care of household chores? Maybe just help them prepare meals on a monthly basis that can be frozen and reheated easily so you know they're eating right?
Are tehy able to drive safely? What about pay their bills?
Take your time with this. Contact your local Council on Aging. Contact your local hospital to see if their social worker can recommend resources. Contact your local county/state government office to see if they can recommend resources. Check everywhere! You may qualify for help that you don't know about. If all else fails, contact an attorney. Make sure you have power of attorney. Make sure your parents have a living will. (I carry a copy of these 2 documents with me and each doctor and hospital have a copy)
This can be more complicated than you know. Is your house 'elder ready'? Do you have a handicapped bathroom? What about a bedroom? Can your parents get into and out of your car easily? DON'T RUSH INTO ANYTHING!
I moved my mother into our home and it has been a strain. My mother's care turned into a 24/7 situation. No holidays, no vacations. This is just a fact of caregiving.
I am incredibly lucky. I have a dear friend who will stay with Mom so I can take an hour off here and there.
Take your time and don't let guilt rush you into anything.
As a former Elder law paralegal and financial assistant (my boss was certified as both), I suggest that you contact an certified elderlaw attorney in your area. If your mother or father served in the military there is military benefits to help with the cost of assisted living. Depending on what state you live in there are also state aid programs. Your parents may not qualify at the moment, but with the help of an attorney who can advise you how to make your parents financially able to qualify by setting up income trusts, personal services contracts, burial accounts etc. I would suggest you at least put your father in an assisted living, sometimes they have retirement, assisted living and nursing home all at the same place. Here in Florida assisted living can run from 2500 to 4000 a month depending on the amount of care he needs. Since I don't know much about their financial and medical issues you would do well to hire a certified elderlaw attorney. Yes they are a bit expensive but in the long run they can save you thousand and thousand of dollars in the long run. Here is the website to find one in your area Find a CELA
Just don't take one person's advise that you don't qualify for any help. There is help, you just have to be diligent in finding it or hire an attorney to do it for you.
either way you need to start looking into care for your father either at home, in a day care, in an assisted living facility etc and start planning for nursing home care now.
Make sure that if their Power of Attorney, Living Will, and Health Care Directives are less then 5 years old as the laws change constantly on those documents. Make sure you know about what your parents have in finances, investments etc. Check to make sure that there are beneficiary designations or Payable Upon death desginations on all accounts. If they have not set up prepaid burial plans, take them to get it done, or do it for them and make sure it is irrevocable for Medicaid purposes. Set up a lady bird deed for your parents residence which they will own the property while they live but upon their death it will go to you and your siblings (or whomever they want it to go to)
if you have an elder counsel in your state, call them for help. Believe me there is help out there you just have to find it.
also, talk to a tax advisor to see what medical expenses can be deducted if your father goes into an assisted living.
If he was a GI, call the VA to see how they can help.
I think she's saying they would sell the current residence, get another one that is more suitable for their age and circumstances, and once purchased get a reverse mortgage.
Ok, so if the house they have has no mortgage why not just do a reverse mortgage for it????
Well if they sell the home and have this money and I am assuming the parents have SS...Then why can't they afford being in a assisted living place...
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Don't rush!
