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Hello. I just joined this site, and originally posted my question in Non-Romantic Relationships forum ( [url]http://www.city-data.com/forum/non-romantic-relationships/2269915-moving-elderly-parents-into-my-home.html[/url] ), not knowing there was a Caregiving forum. Re-posting here. Very appreciative of any advice you can provide.
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I'm in my 40s, living in my own large home... I like it that way. Have two elderly parents (75 and 76), who are showing signs that they need a change of residence -- both have health problems, dad has fallen multiple times although he still tries to do everything (household chores in & outside the home) he did when younger, mom fell once sustaining severe injury, just generally declining in their ability to manage basic tasks, and I fear things will keep getting worse (eventually dad will be unsafe driving, etc.).
I have three older siblings who will not help me to care for our parents in any way. Feeling pressure to move them in with me, although it will be unpleasant for us all, as we have not had great relationships with one another ever. Parents have very limited options financially -- but I'm looking into possibly them selling their house, then obtaining a reverse mortgage for another residence that would be more senior-friendly than their current home. Cannot afford assisted living facilities. On waiting list for low-cost Senior Housing for years, but no openings.. Can't count on this as a viable option.
Just feeling a lot of pressure, anxiety, and dread over this matter. Really do not want to move them into my home due to incompatible personalities, but feeling that it's my moral obligation to do so. Anyone been in similar circumstances? How would you deal with this? Thank you.
Elderly???? at 75 and 76. Just wait. In ten years they will be 85 and 86. Then you can really worry. I think you can wait a little while longer.
Good Luck!! but whatever you decide, please don't do it because you feel guilty about a "moral obligation".
If you sell their house. plan on using that money to pay for nursing home fees when they need it.
Perhaps your siblings need a wakeup call. Why is it all up to you? I agree their age isn't old enough to do anything just yet. When my parents were in their mid-seventies, mother said they felt like they were in their thirties/
Some people decline earlier than others. My father is one of those; he fell for the first time at age 72, and it has been a series of falls and various broken bones (hip, pelvis, leg, etc.) for the past ten years. If the situation is getting worse now, it will only continue to do so.
It's to your credit that you feel a moral obligation to help your parents, but moving them into your home may not be the best way to accomplish that. Have you talked to them about what they want? I'm sorry that your siblings aren't being helpful; I don't know why, but it seems that in many families only one child steps up and bears the burden.
Is the pressure you're feeling coming only from within? Assume your siblings aren't putting that on you since they're willing to do nothing.
In light of the complicated relationship you say you have, it seems premature to move them in, if ever. Living with you won't prevent the falls, and you can always bring one/both to your home for recovery of a few weeks if needed, then return them home. I assume you work and will be gone much of the day. Please don't guilt yourself into a situation that sounds like would make everyone unhappy.
Do you have durable POA? If not, you might want to approach your parents about getting their legal affairs in order. Durable POA would only activate in the event of their incompetence, and in the process of going over their financial affairs, you could get a full picture and meet with a financial advisor on those best options. Downsizing to a senior-friendly house or condo (no maintenance) makes sense on the face of it. If they're resistant to doing it on their own, perhaps you could give them a 'gift' of help a few hours a week to do the physically most intense chores (changing beds, whatever).
Those are just off the top of my head. What seems like a bad idea is to move into a situation you dread from the outset, and which would bind your parents and you for who knows how many years. Do they live close enough that you can stop by a few times/wk to help out?
OP said, "I'm looking into possibly them selling their house, then obtaining a reverse mortgage for another residence that would be more senior-friendly than their current home."
I find this a bit confusing. A reverse mortgage would be on a home already owned, not a vehicle to get another residence. Or am I misreading this?
I think she's saying they would sell the current residence, get another one that is more suitable for their age and circumstances, and once purchased get a reverse mortgage.
I was born before WWII and work every day. I will as long as I can because I like my work. My fisher retired at 62 and 20 good years before his health declined. Everybody is different, but there is good advice in this thread. If it s possible to sell their home nd do a reverse mortgage on a more convenient place, that could b a viable option. Her's the big question as I see it: How stressful would the move be?
The rest of the family should be ashamed all taking a back seat... this shouldnt all be on your shoulders...I saw this happen with my mother... she lived with her parents when in her thirties then planned on being married again...she had a lovely wee flat and had it all done up for after the wedding but then my gran died, leaving my grandfather alone.... her older sisters then got together and told her that she would be better to give up the flat and live with the father ,,, why she listened I dont know as all they wanted was less pressure to have to feed and run after him... She shared his tiny flat with her new husband for seven years till he died.. but by then her husband had started to drink heavily.. and they werent getting on well.... I blame the hectic life they had looking after this old man who was by then in his early 80s... he wasnt an invalid but was still hard going in such circumstances...... The only way Id do this is they actually had a granny flat next to the house... having people live in your space after being on your own is very difficult unless you get on very well...
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