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Ketbcha thank you. Was able to get a flight so I am here with mom now. She has an alarm company with a panic button she is using currently in case she needs it. Is Life Alert any different?
She is still sharp, getting a roommate wouldn't work for this woman. She is very OCD and set in her ways. We are putting a plan in place if this happens again.
The Life Alert or Life Lines are worn like a lanyard around the neck. My MIL (before she passed away) was able to stay at home where she wanted to be for several years longer. She got sick and died in the hospital instead of having to live in a nursing home, which is what she feared the most. So, because of that device, she got her wishes.
One thing you may want to do is call the local rescue squad (especially if it is a small town) and ask them how many, if any, 911 calls have come from her house for a fall or assistance. We found out that my MIL had fallen a few times and refused treatment and did not disclose it to us in fear of being taken from home and put in a facility.
It is a hard situation. We lived far away and my husband's sister did all of the care taking. Even though you disagree with some of your sister's decisions, try not to be so critical of her. She is in a hard place, too, and needs your support - especially if you cannot be there.
Trying very hard not to be critical of my sister. I just got back from helping my mom for a few days, it was stressful as anything. I did it to both help my mom and relieve my sister from feeling obligated. She was very grateful.
Now however I am stuck in the middle. My mom is upset with my sister for not coming to help (literally denying her help to take her to the hospital). She keeps asking what my sister has said about her condition, why hasn't my sister called.
My sister hasn't called or done anything since this argument. My sister is very upset at my mom because my mom didn't call to see how my niece did in a gymnastic competition.
I mean really?! It's like dealing with four year old children. Neither will budge and they are putting me in the middle. I have told them both I won't be put in that position, to talk to each other.
Well...now my sister says she is done. Literally. Won't deal with my mom or help anymore. She has had enough and is walking away.
They have been like this forever. Fight like crazy, both unreasonable and putting me in the middle.
I can't do this on my own. I am pretty much a single mother (husband travels all the time) with two kids and live 1000 miles away. My mom will probably need an operation, and now, no one to help her. I can try to go up again to help for a couple of days, beyond that isn't possible. It would require both my husband and I taking off work. We cannot afford to do that.
Trying very hard not to be critical of my sister. I just got back from helping my mom for a few days, it was stressful as anything. I did it to both help my mom and relieve my sister from feeling obligated. She was very grateful.
Well...now my sister says she is done. Literally. Won't deal with my mom or help anymore. She has had enough and is walking away.
I can't do this on my own. I am pretty much a single mother (husband travels all the time) with two kids and live 1000 miles away. My mom will probably need an operation, and now, no one to help her. I can try to go up again to help for a couple of days, beyond that isn't possible. It would require both my husband and I taking off work. We cannot afford to do that.
i am SO sorry that you are going through this! May I ask what kind of plans you did make for her care, now and in the future, if any? Does your mom KNOW that you MUST put your husband and children FIRST?
Also, how old is your mom (sorry if you already answered this), and I think you said before that her health is generally good -- is it?
Your experience REALLY illustrates how important it is for everyone, once they reach the age of 60 or so, to have a plan in case they become unable to care for themselves! Thank you so much for sharing your "journey" with all of us.
My mom has outside help coming in the morning and afternoon to help her get dressed. If there is an operation we will have to discuss it. This is where I am at a loss what to do.
Mom is 78. The last time she had an operation she was fine going home, had 24 hour care for a few days and slowed it down as the weeks went by.
The time before that (mom has had, many, many operations). I came out to help for a week. She had delirium, it was awful. No one realized it until I returned home. Mom was put into a nursing home for rehab until she was ready to come home. Mom called the police saying she was being held against her will, when I called my mom refused to keep speaking with me saying I wasn't her daughter.
So I flew back and stayed another week to help her. All in all it was two weeks recovery.
I am not sure how her recovery will be with the operation. She refuses a nursing home. I would like to go and help if my schedule allows.
I am sorry to say this, but I think I do have to agree that your mom will soon need full-time Assisted Living. I know she will fight you on this, but the next time she must have an operation, I think you and your sister should be ready to offer her a choice of maybe three places to move to after she leaves the hospital.
I am sorry if this seems harsh, but in all probability, she probably does not have much "good" time left at all, and it is simply not fair to you and your family to wear yourself out (between the almost constant worry and the frequent visits) until her time is up. I was in this situation for almost ten years with my grandmother when I was in my 30's, and so I know how exhausting it is. (And as I am a senior myself now, this is not just some self-centered 20-something giving you this advice!)
P.S. And I simply feel I must ask this final question: Doesn't your mother realize how much effort you and your sister are putting in trying to do the right thing for her? If she truly does realize it and appreciate it, I would think that she would want to do everything she could to lighten your burden -- not increase it!
I really don't think my mom has a clue. My sister was diagnosed with cancer 7 years ago about the same time my dad was put into a nursing home.
My sister used to help all the time with my dad when he was living at home. Once she was diagnosed, it was too much for her. Totally understandable.
I started stepping in and flying out to help mom during her operations. My sister did what she could (which was quite a bit).
Pretty much everyone in my family, except me (knock wood), is sick. My mom has had over 10 operations on her back, knees, shoulders, has had lung cancer and uterine cancer. She is a mess physically but still very, very sharp. Except when she is on crazy meds.
So making a short story long, my mom has no appreciation for anything. This last trip was the first time she really said thank you to me. She doesn't think my sister has done enough for her, complains how my sister helped with my dad all the time (before my sister's cancer). She forgets everything on my sister's plate.
My mom always compares my sister and me to other people and tell us how horrible we are, and we need to do more. It makes us both not want to help her.
Any advice would be appreciated. My family lives in another state and having issues. Dad was put into a nursing home and goes in and out of hospice going on 8 long years.
My mom lives a mile away from the nursing home by herself. Last time I visited I spoke to her about moving into an adult community that allows you to live independently, but move from independent to assisted when needed.
Today she fell and no one is able to help her. She called a few friends to see if they could take her to the doctor and no one answered. The doctor told her to call 911 which she doesn't want to, so she was able to get assistance through a care giver organization.
I am at a loss how to help her. She does not want to move (doesn't feel she is ready). She doesn't have anything in place to help her in an emergency. What do people do in this situation?
In November 2014 I experienced a similar scenario when my father passed away. Dad and mom moved to the East Coast 6 years earlier. I still lived out west. After his passing, it was obvious that my mother was unable to care for herself. Although she did not want to leave her home and the place she'd become accustomed to, my brother and I gave her no choice but to move near us so we could look after her.
When she found out about our plans to move her back west, she grumbled, cursed, and refused to go along with what we'd planned for her. We gave her no choice. Our plans were non-negotiable. We sold her house, car, and several personal items; paid off outstanding balances, closed and/or consolidated bank accounts. All other belongings were packed and moved west.
She now resides happily in an apartment 15 minutes from my residence and 10 minutes from my brother. She has now seen the light and thanks us for what we've done to ensure her wellbeing.
Moral of the story: Sometimes you have to do things against an aging parent's want and will for their wellbeing.
In November 2014 I experienced a similar scenario when my father passed away. Dad and mom moved to the East Coast 6 years earlier. I still lived out west. After his passing, it was obvious that my mother was unable to care for herself. Although she did not want to leave her home and the place she'd become accustomed to, my brother and I gave her no choice but to move near us so we could look after her.
When she found out about our plans to move her back west, she grumbled, cursed, and refused to go along with what we'd planned for her. We gave her no choice. Our plans were non-negotiable. We sold her house, car, and several personal items; paid off outstanding balances, closed and/or consolidated bank accounts. All other belongings were packed and moved west.
She now resides happily in an apartment 15 minutes from my residence and 10 minutes from my brother. She has now seen the light and thanks us for what we've done to ensure her wellbeing.
Moral of the story: Sometimes you have to do things against an aging parent's want and will for their wellbeing.
If you don't have POA - its illegal to sell someone else's house. So that isn't necessarily an answer for everyone.
Truthfully, even if you DO have POA, you are supposed to be representing THEIR wishes, which if they are lucid and don't want to move, doesn't mean you get to substitute your judgement for theirs.
Though many on this board seem to recommmend that course of action.
OP - you need to have a very FRANK conversation with your mother about what you are ABLE to do, and why you can't do more "Mom - I live 1000 miles away, I have X children, and both my husband and I have to work --- I can not destroy my life to care for you, because someday you'll be gone and I'll be left with a destroyed life and you'll still be gone. Please please please agree to some assistance from an agency"
If her reply is that you should destroy your life to help her, then well maybe you just need to basically walk away (like your sister did). As far as refereeing between them - don't bother. Tell each of them you don't want to hear their complaints about the other. Sis starts venting - say "I love you, shut up about mom". Mom starts venting - say "I love you, shut up about sis". They're venting at you because you're letting them. Stop letting them.
I hope you're able to convince your mother to accept some assistance, but if you can't - don't drive yourself crazy about it, because you can't control other people.
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