Just a polling

[OutdoorsyGal]

Originally Posted by nnyl

Just a poll of sorts, to get the opinions of those who are caregivers.

Have an 86 yo mil that lives locally, alone, in he own home. She is becoming increasingly more "needy" as she ages.

Living here locally are, her son, and myself (wife), and our two daughters (grown). We all work still and do our best to try to help her and fill in the gaps where needed.

She has a daughter who is retired, and lives over 1000 miles away.

It was always thought that the daughter, when she retired (which occurred w/in the last year or so) would come this way as the mother ages and needs more help. The daughter would spend more time this way .. and stay with her mom some, .. and vice versa.

Obviously, we are prepared to fill in the gaps where we can. But we are not retired.

However, what has transpired is this. The daughter, who lives over 1000 miles away. She has a husband who is pretty severely bipolar. He is well managed, and his medications keep his mental illness in check for the most part. He is pretty medicated however to control the symptoms. The daughter feels she can't leave him alone for long stretches of time, that's her husband afterall, and he can (and does) at times, become manic. So she feels she needs to always be around him, for the most part. Certainly not leave him for any lengthy visits here.

Fine you say ..???...bring him along. Well that was the plan.

Mil however, can't stand to be around him. He isn't mean/cruel/violent, or otherwise. He is simply so medicated that he is a mere shell of a human for the most part. Only speaks when spoken to for the most part, .. and has to be pretty much directed through just about every motion of life, from "go brush your teeth", to "would you mind taking out the trash" That kinda thing.

Mil cannot tolerate being around that.

That has put us all in a difficult position. Daughter can't come and spend much time here, because doing so entails either she leave her husband home alone, which comes with the possibility of perils listed above. Or she brings him with her, in which case, mil says some pretty cruel things to this man who is just a shell .. because he's so medicated. What has resulted is that more and more, my husband and myself, and my two grown daughters, are pulled and taking care of more and more for her, requiring more and more of our time.

Mil is not in a position financially to go into an assisted living facility of any sort, .. nor would she, even if she was able to do so financially. Not her cup of tea, at all.

She doesn't have the resources to bring in outside help .. and has a real disdain for strangers coming.

I realize some of this is normal aging and being set in one's ways.

What would you do.

There is a propensity in me, (but I'm new to this geriatric care thing) .. to want to sit all parties down and mostly, mil .. and maybe make it clear that as she continues to grow more and more needy, along with that is going to come, unfortunately, less and less "choice" as to the who's and so forth of how she is assisted.

But I don't know A from Adam as to how this all should transpire.

Thoughts? Am I unreasonable. And this is just the tough road we're all fixing to undertake, and so pull up the bootstraps and get ready because it's gonna get a lot worse. Or shouldn't there be a little more bending on mil's part, to not be so stubborn, when she is the one who is increasingly needy, and so dependent upon those of us who can help.

Well you aren't put in that place really. She doesn't have that control.
She sounds like a sociopath who is jealous her own daughter. A happily married woman who is dealing with her husbands disease very well. Daughter sounds like the polar opposite of Mom.
If she needs more help than your family can provide, her daughter is available as you stated. She will come with her bipolar husband but you either way, all need to stop this abuse of her husband who is dealing with a disease himself. Mom cannot treat him that way, or gossip about him, ever. Everyone needs to leave and not return her call for a long time to teach her a lesson if she abuses him in real life. She cannot be a smart ass to him. This is unacceptable. She is abusing her own daughter by abusing her husband. Why would anyone rush to care for a deviant like that? we're a funny bunch, us human beings

We are caring for my husbands parents. Both are 91. Moved to be near them (not that we were far, but 15 min is alot when they are that age so we live right down the street now).
My husbands Mom is great, his Dad has became a Monster. Actually always was, we saw signs of emotional abuse this whole time. The signs weren't this obvious as yours here...wow but it got worse in a manner of just a month. Much worse than you describe so please take heed. If you are honest, you will admit this is quite evil the way she is treating her own flesh and blood by abusing her husband.

Please stop this abuse of her husband if it ever comes to that. Certainly don't expect him to come down with his wife to be beat down by his MIL while you all pretend to say something. Just stop the abuse right then. He deals with his own illness. By ignoring her horrific behavior, you are condoning it against your own brother in law. You all need to understand this I would stop doing things for her until she shapes up. Otherwise do nothing except what keeps her alive... maybe. And only if she wants you to. She'll show it by acting like a decent human being. Not perfect of course, but human.

My FIL is 91, barely walking and in hospice. My husband won't go over anymore. I was kicked out for ordering him to put on clothing after he did a stint naked to get my husband to come help him from "falling". Staged a fall. It was really freaky but the sexual looks were there so it was witnessed. I demanded he put his pants on while he strolled naked in the house afterwards. He ordered me out of the house or he'd call the cops so I handed him the phone, he chickened out. I cared for him for free for over a month and he started getting evil so I had my husband sneak in to spend the night with me. He saw it all. A few social workers and everyone else who came over to assist him (Physical therapist, etc) told me what i already knew. It was deliberate and calculated. It took my husband longer but after the naked stint, he called him a dirty old man and was open to seeing more of his evil.
I was postponing dealing with it hoping he'd die any day. He pretended to be much sicker than he was. The looks and bad feelings of darkness, knew something was up early on.And the behavior escallated to where I couldn't leave him alone with his own wife, I feared for her.
We feel he can call 911 if he needs help. A Caregiver is there usually...24/7 but his stunts mean she calls us almost daily needing extra help. I say call 911. Again, he was nothing as blatantly evil as you describe your MIL has been. His was faster.

We had a great 4 hr visit with her in the hospital today. No more him. Who cares if he eats?? or sees her? he sure doesn't seem to during his shannigans so we feel his talk is cheap. we don't bother with him that much any more. Again, there isn't even a caregiver there tonight or tomorrow. If he falls and cannot get to the phone, oh well. He pulls pranks all the time for attention, that is the only time we respond now. To take the car keys etc..as he tries to drive to get some soup. He got Tesla to send him another car key.

Groceries are delivered twice a week, no reason to worry he won't eat. It appears in talking with the neighbors he's been physically abusive to his wife for years. Where there is smoke, there is almost always, fire. Don't fuel the fire, stop the flames now. No one deserves to be abused and those have no right to expect to be catered to, while they resist you. Your MIL is no queen but a sociopath it sounds like

.

[jojow]

I'm confused as to why the MIL has to see the husband when SIL and he come to visit. If the MIL's relationship with the husband is the main reason her daughter won't come visit - then just keep the husband away from the mother. Problem solved.

I'm guessing that the daughter and husband stay with her mother when they are there. They don't have to. Or at least, he doesn't have to. He can stay at the OP's house. He may have to fend for himself a bit, but his wife is close if something bad happens.

[rdflk]

^^ The OP has posted about this before, in another thread. This dilemma isn't new.
Did you read WHY the adult daughter (his wife) doesn't want to leave her husband alone while she visits the mother (MIL)?

Sure I suppose the husband COULD come with his wife when she visits her mom (his MIL). And sure I suppose the husband COULD stay at a hotel while his wife visits her mom and takes care of that...and the adult daughter COULD come and go to and from the nearby hotel....but who exactly would PAY for that...the already UNcooperative mom???

[nnyl]

Ughh. The whole situation. If someone could watch what goes on, they would just shake their head in dismay. The daughter's husband, is as good as gold. Sure, he doesn't take much initiative to do much on his own. He is heavily medicated. But asked to do something, he will do so, every time, without fail. He is a very kind person. Just heavily medicated.

I've seen he and the daughter, in the mil's flower bed out front, digging up the weeds, and remulching and planting flowers again for her year after year. I've seen him out in the b'yard with the daughter, as they cut away overgrowth of vines on a yard swing. I've seen the guy out front with the daughter, paint brush in hand, painting the garage door.

I have offered, if it makes it easier for them, for her husband to stay with me, in fact, the daughter can stay with me, and just go over the in the day to do for her mother, and leave the husband here. I don't think she likes that arrangement, because she wants her husband to feel useful. Understandably. And so she'd prefer to have him w/her, ... so that they can both see to the things that mil needs done, when she travels here.

The mil is very fortunate she has the daughter she does. A lot of daughters might would tell mil, 86 yo or not, .. you don't want my husband around, it's a package deal, you get neither of us. And yet, .. she continues to come, the daughter does, when she can ... and bring her husband, and then try to do for her mother, ... and run interference to keep her mother from saying unkind things to her husband.

It's a sad situation.

That's why I started this whole thread. I'm only an in law here, so I kinda have my hands tied behind my back, and can only say so much (I do talk to my husband, and he thinks his mother's demeanor/behavior is horrible, and has said so to his mother, repeatedly). I have to think were this not an in law situation, were it my mother, .. and my siblings, in laws, etc. .. I'd probably set my mother on her heels, and let her know that she will have no help at all, with all that she needs, because she is not being cordial to the very person who would breathe for her if she'd allow it, her daughter.

I don't know, not in those shoes, not my mother. But I do have to think I'd be rather forthright and let her know, as she ages, and continues to "need" increasingly, it's a choice of tolerate the daughter's husband, .. so daughter can come and help more, or a home somewhere.