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I've been trying to avoid the issue of how she dresses altogether. The hard part though is that's not good enough for her. If I don't say anything, she pushes the issue. "So what do you think of this blouse? I bought it last week. Isn't it beautiful?" Then she'll strike a pose and what she's really wanting me to say is, "Mom, you look great." The problem is - the blouse is probably buttoned up wrong, or inside out, or it's a sweater and it's 90 degrees outside, or it's a peasant blouse meant to be worn untucked and she's got it tucked in and got her pants pulled up around her armpits and wearing two left shoes. And she doesn't look great because she's intentionally starving herself.
So I say, "It's a beautiful blouse," and she says, "I know - and I didn't find it at Dillards" - (one of my favorite stores and she knows it) - "because that store is THE PITS and I can NEVER find a thing in there. Nope, no Dillards for me! I'll never shop there again. I can't imagine why anyone would go there. They'll be out of business soon. Who are they catering to anyway? I tell people all the time, don't shop at Dillards! And they're paying attention too. Watch and see - they'll be out of business soon."
And I won't say anything. And then she'll push again. "And I hope they DO go out of business soon. They deserve to. " Pause. "They're a ridiculous store." Pause. "Which I hate."
Is it possible that your mother is intentionally screwing up her clothing because it gets attention focused on her, and upsets you?
I am guessing the name of the game for your mom is control. And the more you take away from her, the more she will struggle and fight you. Yeah this is hard but perhaps the best thing you can do is ignore her bizarre behavior to the best of your ability. If she asks, tell her the truth but don't be telling her what to do all the time. If she has a friend, she may listen to a friend or even a stranger before she will take the same exact advice from you.
She, in her own mind, is supposed to be the boss and give the orders. And to her, you will always be a child.
Bingo - you hit the nail on the head!
When I was in my thirties, had gone through a couple of years of therapy, and discovered the amazing world of personal boundaries for the first time, I had a talk with my mom. I said, "Mom, here's something I want us to agree on. We're both adults. You're an adult, I'm an adult. When we interact, I'd like for those interactions to be adult to adult, not parent to child."
Now, I thought that made all the sense in the world and who could argue with that? I found out in about 1.5 seconds - my mother. Not only did she disagree, she got FURIOUS. "I am your MOTHER! I will always be your MOTHER. You are my CHILD. That's the way it IS. This whole idea of yours is RIDICULOUS!" I mean, she didn't just disagree, she was furious about the very concept.
This was loooooonnng before her stroke or any dementia or whatever had set in. My gosh, she was the age I am now. I can't imagine not considering my adult kids as adults. In fact, it's a relief to me!
I guess I just don't understand that sort of need for control and dominance.
Is there anyone else that can step in and care for your mom? It sounds like you never got a break between caring for your in laws and caring for your parents. Even if you have to pay someone to be there it might be good for your mental health.
She does sound like she she needs to have a complete physical/neurological/psychological evaluation to eliminate or discover any sort of underlying disease. If her health and everything else is all right, you might want to evaluate whether you need to spend as much time as you do with her.
Concerning her eating habits, it may not be some form of anorexia. She may have trouble with chewing (how are her teeth?) and digesting her food, it might not taste right (dulling of the senses), etc. Be sure to get these things checked out.
It's not easy dealing with aging parents (especially one with difficult personalities) but you also need to take care of yourself.
Thank you for this good advice.
I want to clarify - I am not the primary care giver for anyone. What I am is the only adult child who lives near any of these elderly people. I mean, my husband does too, but he works out of state for two weeks out of every month. His brother and HIS wife live two hours away but they both work full time and also are taking care of HER mother who is elderly and requires a lot of maintenance.
My MIL is in a facility. I can't in good conscience just park her there and forget about her, so I visit her several times a week. I am also her guardian so I am involved in all the meetings with various parties involving her care.
Her husband, my FIL was very sick for about two years before passing away a few months ago. So for the past several years I've had to spend a lot of time, money, and effort helping them as best I can - and being close to them, I felt it was the right thing to do. They lived at home till January of this year. That was a fiasco. They lived an hour away so I drove out there to help them about once every three days for two years.
Then they moved to an assisted living facility/rehab center together. THAT was also an hour away (why? why? we begged them to move into one closer to us but NO). By then they were in terrible shape - and not only that, we had some family members who were trying their BEST to get their hands on my inlaw's significant savings/estate. This was extremely upsetting. We ended up having to file for guardianship and we had to file injunctions and restraining orders on several family members because they were trying to get my inlaws to sign stuff naming them as beneficiaries, they got a POA and began writing themselves checks (like one for $50,000!!!!!), they began contacting investment brokers and trying to change beneficiaries - when my FIL was literally ON HIS DEATHBED! It was insane, very upsetting, and not to mention - expensive. Plus - I loved my FIL. Just the fact that he was dying such a slow and painful death was upsetting in itself. And the shenanigans did not stop with his death. The estate issues are still very much ongoing.
My dad is in good shape and very independent, thank God. My parents moved here from out of state last year in order to be closer to me and one of my daughters and her kids.
Plus, my dad knows if something happens to him, I will need to take care of my mom. So he has made sure that I understand their finances, their estate, etc. I have an incapacitated brother who would also need some management (though he does live independently).
My dad is very affectionate and every time we get together (which is about twice a week) he always says, "See - this is why we moved here!" The "deal" is that we go to church together, I accompany them to doctor appointments often (not all the time), and we try a couple of times a month to get together as a family (with my daughter and her family).
So - though I'm not a care giver full time, I am spending at least 15 hours a week, sometimes more, with the elderly people in my life - all of whom I love very much. So that's not a lot, but the situation with my inlaws REALLY has sort of traumatized my husband, his brother, and me. I think that situation is coloring my perception of the situation with my mom in fact.
Is it possible that your mother is intentionally screwing up her clothing because it gets attention focused on her, and upsets you?
No, I don't think so. I rarely point out anything - my dad does though, and when he does, she seems embarrassed and will try to fix whatever it is. With me, she just gets mad.
You gave her an order. And also "told" her she wasn't your mother anymore. That's a lot to swallow, even in the best of situations.
Yes, I did give her an order - to treat me as an adult, since I am one. And believe me, when I told this to her, it was not "in the best of situations."
I didn't put this in context. My mother abuses any power given to her. And "abuse" is not too strong a word to use. My mother was on a rampage with me when I "gave her this order." I won't go into all the details because they're really irrelevant but the application is that she was calling me nearly every morning around 5 am, arguing with me, accusing me of ridiculous things (ALL of which were untrue), and generally treating me very disrespectfully. I had already tried gentle reasoning with her. I was working in our family business at the time, and one day, I walked into the business and my mother was waiting for me (I didn't know it) and the minute I walked in, she threw a book at me from across the room and hit me square in the head! So yeah - she needed to learn some boundaries.
Different people attach different meanings to the same word. The word "mother" to me means "nurturing, supporting, patient, wise, helpful, unconditional love," that sort of thing. To my mom, the word "mother" means "boss, person in charge, queen bee, she who must be obeyed," that sort of thing. See the difference?
I think one thing that people need to understand in my scenario with my mother is that she is a very emotionally damaged person who has been diagnosed as bipolar but who has always refused treatment - in fact, she has refused to acknowledge or admit to ANY inappropriate behavior on her part - and believe me, there's been a lot of that over the years.
When Mom goes on and on about Dillard's, she's pushing your buttons. On purpose. So when she carries on about what an awful place it is, simply say, "You know Mom, you may be right. I've had a hard time there lately myself. Now can I interest you in a grilled cheese and tomato soup?"
When she pushes into your personal space in church, there isn't much you can do about it but move over/move her purse/etc. When she acts this way when you go out to eat, tell the hostess you prefer a table. She can't very well push into your space when she's in her own chair.
If her shirt is buttoned wrong, simply tell her. Leave it up to her to fix it. Or not.
If she makes a show of "the smallest onion ring", just pick one up, put it on her plate and tell her "they're all pretty much the same - just eat as much as you like."
Two left shoes, that's a different matter. Wearing two left (or right) shoes presents an opportunity for a fall. Insist that she must change. Or alert your Dad to make sure she has appropriate footwear to forestall a potentially injurious event.
I know it sounds like I have all the answers, I don't and I know it. But barring the necessity for medical intervention, all of these behaviors are indicative of "I'll show Kathryn who's boss."
My mother was an alcoholic. She ate two meals a day. No breakfast. To the luncheonette for mid-day meal which was more an opportunity to interact with the lunch crowd. (She wouldn't interact with family members) She was known to eat a half a hot dog and a spoonful of some vegetable for the evening meal, sometimes. Only if she didn't start drinking before supper time.
She bought clothes out of catalogs - all too long - and refused to look for petite sizes. When she had them altered, she insisted the pants legs be at least three inches above her ankle bone. (She may have been the one who started the whole "cropped pants" look) lol
She rarely showered because she was "afraid I might fall". Of course, she might fall, she was in her cups most of the time!
There was a lot for me to resent - she gave me up when I was only four years old. She tried to justify that decision in later years, but it's a hard thing to forgive.
I understand your frustration, I do, but you have to overlook or ignore some of her behaviors. I'm betting when you get to that point, she'll stop it. If she doesn't, it's an aberration that she can't control, and neither can you.
I'm going to be blunt: All of your mother's behaviors are going to become worse until she either becomes incapacitated by dementia and anorexia, or dies.
So what you have to do is decide how you're going to handle it. As someone said upthread, you have to try and detach. If she wants the smallest onion ring, don't be sarcastic with her. Just put an onion ring on her plate and tell her to only eat what she wants. If she says, "How do I look?" tell her that you think she looks pretty and leave it at that. If she wants you to pull a chin hair at a restaurant tell her "No. It would be gross to do it here. I'll do it at home." If she yanks it out herself, make no comment. If her blouse is mis-buttoned, offer to help but if she turns you down, let it go.
At the end of every visit, give her a hug and tell her you love her.
My heart goes out to you because it's going to be a long road.
I'm going to be blunt: All of your mother's behaviors are going to become worse until she either becomes incapacitated by dementia and anorexia, or dies.
So what you have to do is decide how you're going to handle it. As someone said upthread, you have to try and detach. If she wants the smallest onion ring, don't be sarcastic with her. Just put an onion ring on her plate and tell her to only eat what she wants. If she says, "How do I look?" tell her that you think she looks pretty and leave it at that. If she wants you to pull a chin hair at a restaurant tell her "No. It would be gross to do it here. I'll do it at home." If she yanks it out herself, make no comment. If her blouse is mis-buttoned, offer to help but if she turns you down, let it go.
At the end of every visit, give her a hug and tell her you love her.
My heart goes out to you because it's going to be a long road.
I agree and for much of the time I'm able to rise above the shenanigans - not always but often. However, what's bothering me is that it really gets to me INTERNALLY. I am so tense around my mom that I know it's not good for me. I just hate feeling this way.
I think that I'm going to try to get a little counseling about this. It can't hurt. I've got a lot on my plate emotionally and I'm pretty tough but this has been a really rough year. I don't want to be lashing out inappropriately (haven't done that yet but it's simmering) and I don't want to end up again sitting out on my back patio on my third glass of wine on a crying jag at 3 am, with my husband looking alarmed and awkwardly patting me on the arm saying, "Maybe I need to take a few weeks off and give you a break." That would cost us a LOT of money and we can't afford for him to do that, so I need to figure out a way to step farrrrrr back from all this emotionally.
It's about to get really crunk around here because my MIL is declining rapidly. I doubt that she will be alive a month from now. So...good times, good times...I need to be emotionally strong for my husband because this is going to be harder on him than on me.
In reading all of these really good, insightful posts, I'd like to mention a couple of things: KA you need to write a book of short stories about your elders! They are true characters! Second, is anyone here (mostly daughters) secretly worried about turning into difficult old ladies when we get truly old?
I am afraid I will turn into a version of my mom. It is really scary.
I think the posts in this thread have good insights for me. I wish I had had access to them in 2006-7 when I was going through so much with my mom. Where I did get guidance was from material from the Alzeimer's Association. I called the hotline several times. They helped me a very critical times. You can easily Google this.
I also like the idea of a phone chain of caregivers. And reading the stories here is also enlightening. I think so highly of those of you doing any sort of caregiving. God bless you all.
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