U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Caregiving
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
Old 01-13-2016, 03:13 PM
16,992 posts, read 20,605,780 times
Reputation: 33956


Originally Posted by NYChistorygal View Post
I'm just letting people know what they probably don't know. We didn't.

They did save for their retirement. But it still may not be enough. N homes are around $11,000+ a month. Absurd. There was no way to know that they needed to keep that money for this type of care instead of helping the grandkids a little. Everyone I know helps their kids and grandkids from time to time.

I'm not just talking about funds given to family for gifts or tuition. This includes EVERYTHING. Buying a car, fixing the house, anything over $1,999. People need to know that it may backfire. And my mother still needs to live. What about her? Fortunately, I'll be able to help in the near future as my brother will as well, but she is terrified.

We don't know if we'll be able to do anymore work on the house. The house needs upkeep, both for us, and eventually Medicaid will want it if my Dad lives long.

It's as if it's pointless to save your $.
Sadly it is. My late mother was in an SNF short term, Medicare gives you 21 days, after that it was a $160 a day out of pocket. She was there another two months. So you're talking about $5K a month.

Her roommate was Medicaid, same exact care, same exact food. No charge.

So your reward in America for being middle class or even upper middle class and putting money aside is you get it taken from you.

You really are better off just p**sing it all away and let Medicaid pick up the tab.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

Old 01-13-2016, 03:48 PM
476 posts, read 395,285 times
Reputation: 2036
Could it be the nicest excuse she can think of for not wanting strangers in her house? The fear of strangers in the house gets worse and worse as people get older, sicker, weaker and well aware of their own frailties. Plus, they know, or suspect, that it's just one more step to the nursing home.

Originally Posted by wasel View Post
We were talking with her over the holidays about looking into some of the home care services in her area -- not even around the clock care but more like a few hours a day. She recently fell and is still healing from that, which kind of brought everything to the fore.

She said "I don't want to spend the money because i want to leave my money to my children." (meaning my husband and his siblings.)

Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-13-2016, 04:26 PM
Location: Midwest transplant
2,011 posts, read 4,979,091 times
Reputation: 1566
Originally Posted by wasel View Post
I love my MIL dearly but she drives us crazy with her philosophy on money. She is 92 and in the near future will likely need some form of more formalized care (meaning beyond what family can do).

We were talking with her over the holidays about looking into some of the home care services in her area -- not even around the clock care but more like a few hours a day. She recently fell and is still healing from that, which kind of brought everything to the fore.

She said "I don't want to spend the money because i want to leave my money to my children." (meaning my husband and his siblings.)

My husband and I explained to her that that's not a responsible approach. We would rather her money be spent on HER needs at this stage of life. None of us are poor and we are all living well enough that we don't "want" for anything. We're not rich, but for all of us, if our furnace goes out, we have the means to pay for a new one immediately. So she should not have any guilt about us not getting an inheritance.

My dad on the other hand has a much more pragmatic attitude. With my mother now in a nursing home because her care requirements are too great for home care, my dad recognizes that he needs to allocate whatever assets he has to his care. He and I have the understanding that there may be nothing left by the time he leaves this world, and I don't have the expectation of an inheritance because that may not be possible. I am grateful for his approach.
My parents were like yours and I am grateful that they were pragmatic and planned accordingly, telling us that there was the possibility that there might not be anything, but that we wouldn't owe anything either. Was a relief.

OTOH~in-laws were much like your MIL. Didn't want to move or have help for fear that there wouldn't be an inheritance. Finally, when DH had to start managing finances and become more actively engaged in their well being he told them flat out that if they didn't go into assisted living that they had to have live in 24 hour, hired help. He had to be direct with letting them know that he or I would not be able to take care of them except for once a month visits. We were 200 miles away and both still working full time. I think they expected that I (DIL) would quit my job and take on their care. Wasn't going to happen because I was pulling the higher salary (which I'm sure they didn't know) and was covering our health benefits. We had tried to talk them into a Continuing Care Community when they were in their 70's, but they balked and dragged their feet until it was too late to make the change willingly and on their own. As it was, they had 24 hour care for about 2 1/2 years and in addition to the continued maintenance and upkeep of their home, we paid a premium for live in help. Had they gone into an assisted living facility, their long term care insurance would have covered most of the cost.

Would have much rather the money go to their fulfillment, longevity, health and comfort than to worrying about an inheritance.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-13-2016, 08:32 PM
154 posts, read 88,112 times
Reputation: 265
Default I know the feeling

My 87 year old dad was the same way. He wanted to have money left to give to both my sister and I.

Unfortunately he ended up in nursing care and we had to spend down all of his money so that he could go on Medicaid. This included all of his life insurance policies, his stocks, etc. I can't tell you how horrible it made me feel to have to do this; but he needed the money for his care.

Now that all of that is pretty much spent down, I feel even more terrible that we have to apply for Medicaid for him as he has little left. This means they will take all of his pension and leave him with a mere $40 per month for his needs. Doesn't leave much for his health insurance as we will need to continue to pay for that until his Medical Assistance goes through. Once it does, all of his needs will be met by the government.

This has become very depressing to him and knowing that all the saving he and my mom did is pretty much gone, all he wants to do is sleep all day. I've noticed such a change in him that it depresses me also. He used to want to get out of bed every morning and enjoy the day a bit, but now all he wants to do, again is sleep.

I try to get him out as often as I can and he particularly enjoys a local buffet where he can go up and get his own food in his transport chair, but the last time we went, he wanted me to go up with him. He just doesn't seem to want to try anymore now that all his money is gone.

It stinks when our parents get older, doesn't it?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-15-2016, 06:18 AM
3,758 posts, read 10,601,769 times
Reputation: 6684
Look - I understand how crappy and expensive long term care can be..

in the 6 months my father was in the nursing home (after his 100days ran out - which was covered by medicare and his supplemental coverage) - his average monthly bill was $11,000.

So $66,000 went to a place that didn't get him a shower (since he couldn't get himself out of bed, they never offered to give him a shower - just came in to tell him it was his assigned "shower day" and when he didn't leap out of bed, they marked him as a "No" and moved on..), pushed a wheelchair into his room (and billed him for it) - and then never set him in the wheelchair (because again, he couldn't transfer, in addition to the wound on his coccyx) and in general did nothing to help in his recovery/rehabilitation/continued life.

They did feed him, and occasionally clean him up. (Though on weekends, that latter part was very iffy).

I totally agree that's horrible. That's of course among one of the many reasons I took him (and mom) into my home. I figured otherwise they were heading for bankruptcy and an early grave.

However, I don't quite understand the alternatives everyone is proposing? Would you rather that the poor elderly be left to die in the street? Because some of the bitterness being expressed on these threads seems to be heading in that direction.

I'd prefer that long term care be substantially underwritten for EVERYONE. But in this country, we'd prefer not to pay taxes. Therefore people with assets have to become people without assets in order to qualify for programs for the poor .. such as long term care assistance via Medicaid.

I assure you that the life of someone with assets (the long term arc of their life) was probably significantly richer, more nuanced, and more interesting for having had those assets.. so I don't think anyone who advocates "It's better to be poor" is really thinking that through logically, but is just so ticked off they're not thinking straight.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-16-2016, 01:08 AM
Location: Staten Island, New York
3,681 posts, read 6,038,317 times
Reputation: 3621
Briolat21: I'm sorry you had such a bad experience for your father. Mine is in rehab, but we don't expect that he will be able to come home.

Most of the staff has been great. He fights when they try to get him into the shower - although he's a little calmer now - and if they can't, they give him a sponge bath. He's been kept quite clean and in the 30 days he has been there he hasn't had a single bedsore. (Most of his time is in bed. Again, he fights them). I have some issues, but I guess it's to be expected that we want things done a certain way, and they can't be.

We are Medicaid Pending, but expect many $11,000 a month bills ourselves.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.

Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Caregiving
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top