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This is just my honest opinion and I know I'll get slack for what I am about to say. I feel nursing homes are the end of the road for a loved one. No one in my family has ever been or been put in a nursing home not even my Great grandmother who ended up living with her son until she died at age 95. ( I was 4 years old) My mom has been a caregiver all of her life for both of her parents, her brother my dad. (all passed away). She made a promise to them that they'd never be put in a home but that they could die at home as long as she had help. (nurses aides). My 74 year old Aunt's health has been declining over the last 15 years due to obesity, falling etc.... She is currently in the hospital for an untreated UTI that became septic in her blood. She's been immobile for the last 5 years and has lymphedema in both legs. She can be a difficult patient as my mom has stated and non-compliant. Now the Hospital wants her out and my Uncle has told my mom "we are thinking about putting her in a home." She has always had a strong will to live but once she goes in to a home she will give up and die. My mom is sure of this. Why can't my Aunt be in her own home and my Uncle hire a live in Nurses aide??? It seems as if my Uncle and the rest of her family have given up on her. She has a daughter who is 50 years old who retired from nursing, a son who is a retired paramedic and 8 grown grand children in their 20's who could all help out. She lives in Florida and we are in NY. I understand not everyone can be or wants to be a caregiver but she's a good woman and deserves to be comfortable in her own home and not a nursing home. Thoughts???
Why can't my Aunt be in her own home and my Uncle hire a live in Nurses aide???
Is your aunt wealthy? You can't expect someone to live there and provide 24 hour care. She will have to pay for aides.
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It seems as if my Uncle and the rest of her family have given up on her. She has a daughter who is 50 years old who retired from nursing, a son who is a retired paramedic and 8 grown grand children in their 20's who could all help out.
Hard as it is to watch, it's not up to you to decide what other people need to do. You can only decide for you.
Are you going to give up your life in NY and move in with your aunt in FL?
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She's a good woman and deserves to be comfortable in her own home and not a nursing home.
Undoubtedly. My MIL is an amazing woman who I would much rather see in her own home. However, she made the decision to not pay for 24 hour caregiving. I don't know if she realized what the alternative would be, since she came from an era where family "did for you" until your death. She is not happy in the care home where she's been placed.
Unless you are willing to quit your job, leave your family and friends and move in with your aunt to take care of her then it is none of your business. Your aunt is 74. Are you willing to care for her for the next five years? Ten years? Twenty years? And, what about your retirement. Will you have enough savings, after giving up a decade or two decades of your working career, so that you would be able to support yourself when you are elderly?
So, if YOU want to care for your aunt (or for your parents or grandparents or whoever) that is your decision but you can not force that decision on someone else.
I choose to be the full time caregiver of my spouse but I can not, and will not, order my children or my nieces and nephews to provide his care. In fact, if I suddenly die I have told my adult children that I do not want them, nor would their father (before he developed dementia/TBI) want them to abandon their careers & families and move back home to care for him.
BTW, Not all nursing homes are the hell holes that you may imagine. There are nursing homes in my area that are like Five Star Resorts (not that I will ever be able to afford to live in a place like that) where residents eat in fancy dining rooms with white table clothes & expensive crystal, "order off a menu" and have their food individually prepared like in expensive restaurants, and have numerous activities onsite and day trips.
Sometimes people care for family in the homes because they want to do that and some times it is because of a "guilt trip" placed by the elderly parent on their relatives and sometimes it is because they can't afford nursing home care, which in my area ranges from $4,000 a month to $10,000 or more a month. Many people can't afford $48,000 to $120,000 a year (a half a million to a over a million dollars in payments for a decade).
Last edited by germaine2626; 07-15-2016 at 04:56 PM..
My grandmother lived with my Aunt and cousins until they couldn't provide care for her any more and put her in a nursing home. She loved it! It wasn't a resort, but she was always going to a party, a bowling contest (in her wheelchair yet), or some other activity. She even had a "boyfriend" at age 85. While I personally don't want to go into one, I figure if my health is bad enough that I can't take care of myself or afford in-home care, I'll have to find one as I have no one else. My mother was in assisted living and then a locked memory care unit until she died at age 94 (from age 89). The A/L unit was really nice, and the memory care unit almost as nice but without the same amenities (like and in-room microwave and frig, etc.) In fact, the level of personal care was even greater in the memory care unit, and the nurses and carers were absolutely wonderful - they genuinely loved my Mom, and she loved them right back.
Unless you are willing to quit your job, leave your family and friends and move in with your aunt to take care of her then it is none of your business. Your aunt is 74. Are you willing to care for her for the next five years? Ten years? Twenty years? And, what about your retirement. Will you have enough savings, after giving up a decade or two decades of your working career, so that you would be able to support yourself when you are elderly?
So, if YOU want to care for your aunt (or for your parents or grandparents or whoever) that is your decision but you can not force that decision on someone else.
I choose to be the full time caregiver of my spouse but I can not, and will not, order my children or my nieces and nephews to provide his care. In fact, if I suddenly die I have told my adult children that I do not want them, nor would their father (before he developed dementia/TBI) want them to abandon their careers & families and move back home to care for him.
BTW, Not all nursing homes are the hell holes that you may imagine. There are nursing homes in my area that are like Five Star Resorts (not that I will ever be able to afford to live in a place like that) where residents eat in fancy dining rooms with white table clothes & expensive crystal, "order off a menu" and have their food individually prepared like in expensive restaurants, and have numerous activities onsite and day trips.
Sometimes people care for family in the homes because they want to do that and some times it is because of a "guilt trip" placed by the elderly parent on their relatives and sometimes it is because they can't afford nursing home care, which in my area ranges from $4,000 a month to $10,000 or more a month. Many people can't afford $48,000 to $120,000 a year (a half a million to a over a million dollars in payments for a decade).
First of all I did not force any decision on my mom's family about what to do with my Aunt! My post does not say I did so. I have not even spoken to anyone yet only my mom has. I am just venting about it. I will have enough in retirement when I get elderly if I even make it by then. Why would I quit my job and leave to care for my Aunt when she has a husband, 4 grown children and 8 grown grand Children? BTW my mom found out how bad she was VIA face Book, no one even called her. She's been calling her sister everyday but she refuses to talk to my mom. We also think there's more going on with her and when my my asks they tell her she's fine.
This is just my honest opinion and I know I'll get slack for what I am about to say. I feel nursing homes are the end of the road for a loved one. No one in my family has ever been or been put in a nursing home not even my Great grandmother who ended up living with her son until she died at age 95. ( I was 4 years old) My mom has been a caregiver all of her life for both of her parents, her brother my dad. (all passed away).
She made a promise to them that they'd never be put in a home but that they could die at home as long as she had help. (nurses aides).
You made it very clear that you and "your family" feel that no one should be put in a nursing home.
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Originally Posted by lubby
My 74 year old Aunt's health has been declining over the last 15 years due to obesity, falling etc.... She is currently in the hospital for an untreated UTI that became septic in her blood. She's been immobile for the last 5 years and has lymphedema in both legs. She can be a difficult patient as my mom has stated and non-compliant.
OK, so your aunt has been "immobile for the last 5 years (? bedridden),can be a "difficult patient" and "non-compliant". Hmmm.
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Originally Posted by lubby
Now the Hospital wants her out and my Uncle has told my mom "we are thinking about putting her in a home." She has always had a strong will to live but once she goes in to a home she will give up and die. My mom is sure of this. Why can't my Aunt be in her own home and my Uncle hire a live in Nurses aide??? It seems as if my Uncle and the rest of her family have given up on her. She has a daughter who is 50 years old who retired from nursing, a son who is a retired paramedic and 8 grown grand children in their 20's who could all help out. She lives in Florida and we are in NY. I understand not everyone can be or wants to be a caregiver but she's a good woman and deserves to be comfortable in her own home and not a nursing home. Thoughts???
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Originally Posted by germaine2626
Unless you are willing to quit your job, leave your family and friends and move in with your aunt to take care of her then it is none of your business. Your aunt is 74. Are you willing to care for her for the next five years? Ten years? Twenty years? And, what about your retirement. Will you have enough savings, after giving up a decade or two decades of your working career, so that you would be able to support yourself when you are elderly?
So, if YOU want to care for your aunt (or for your parents or grandparents or whoever) that is your decision but you can not force that decision on someone else.
(snip)
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Originally Posted by lubby
First of all I did not force any decision on my mom's family about what to do with my Aunt! My post does not say I did so. I have not even spoken to anyone yet only my mom has. I am just venting about it. I will have enough in retirement when I get elderly if I even make it by then.
Why would I quit my job and leave to care for my Aunt when she has a husband, 4 grown children and 8 grown grand Children? BTW my mom found out how bad she was VIA face Book, no one even called her. She's been calling her sister everyday but she refuses to talk to my mom. We also think there's more going on with her and when my my asks they tell her she's fine.
My point was that unless YOU are willing to take care of your aunt, it is none of your business what her family does. If her husband decides that he can not take of his wife, either by himself or with the help of his family or paid help, unless you want to step in, have her medical POA, pay for her care and take charge then it is none of your business. You can vent all you like, but it is not your decision to make.
If you found out about your aunt's hospitalization via FB and your aunt is refusing to even speak to her sister (your mom) I suspect that there is "more to the story". Probably, a lot more to the story.
My mom passed away two weeks ago. She was in a home for three years. Went in on hospice and they were so good to her, she survived that one episode.
Of course she had a great personality and everyone loved her and she was always happy. She was the one that told us that she wanted to go there when she couldn't take care of herself.
We knew many of the staff members, some are relatives - that helped. They aren't all bad and can provide better hands on care than a family member.
You made it very clear that you and "your family" feel that no one should be put in a nursing home.
OK, so your aunt has been "immobile for the last 5 years (? bedridden),can be a "difficult patient" and "non-compliant". Hmmm.
My point was that unless YOU are willing to take care of your aunt, it is none of your business what her family does. If her husband decides that he can not take of his wife, either by himself or with the help of his family or paid help, unless you want to step in, have her medical POA, pay for her care and take charge then it is none of your business. You can vent all you like, but it is not your decision to make.
If you found out about your aunt's hospitalization via FB and your aunt is refusing to even speak to her sister (your mom) I suspect that there is "more to the story". Probably, a lot more to the story.
Very true. I know it's none of my business and neither my mom or I have said anything to the family about it and we don't plan on it. But we are allowed to feel sad and heart broken about this. I have come to the conclusion (after talking with my DH) that because she is difficult and non compliant maybe her husband/children have had enough and just can't deal with it anymore and I get it but I am still saddened by the outcome. BTW DH's dad went into a nursing home when he was 64 years old due to diabetic complications, amputations, blindness and his mom needed to do this because working full time she could not care for him. He's passed on now. My husband made me see a different view of putting someone in a nursing home. He also said it's not the end of the road and maybe it isn't but that's how I felt.
Very true. I know it's none of my business and neither my mom or I have said anything to the family about it and we don't plan on it.
But we are allowed to feel sad and heart broken about this. I have come to the conclusion (after talking with my DH) that because she is difficult and non compliant maybe her husband/children have had enough and just can't deal with it anymore and I get it but I am still saddened by the outcome. BTW DH's dad went into a nursing home when he was 64 years old due to diabetic complications, amputations, blindness and his mom needed to do this because working full time she could not care for him. He's passed on now. My husband made me see a different view of putting someone in a nursing home. He also said it's not the end of the road and maybe it isn't but that's how I felt.
Yes, I can see how you could be sad about your aunt being sick. However, you first post made it sound like you couldn't possible imagine a family who did not care for all of their elderly family member at home until they die.
I am glad that your husband helped you understand a little more that nursing home can be a viable solution, or even the best solution, in some situations.
I worked for a short time in a brand new nursing home in the east end of Glasgow , the residents were told at the opening day that this was their new home and that they should treat it just like that........... lies... the old people would ask for a piece or sandwich and would be refused by some kitchen staff.. a cup of tea at an odd time was also refused, and cigarettes were kept by carers and only given out at five a day in a smoking room.. they had the early morning tv turned off by the matron even when they were in a line enjoying watching the keep fit segment.. She would switch it off saying they needed a rest... what she forgot to add was that it was medication time and they would all conk out in minutes in their chairs ... I made up games for them using old LPrecords and asking them who was on the covers then they had to sing one of their songs... I was told not to do that either as it was confusing for them..... why I wonder.. maybe it wasnt the matrons own idea.... She also made a man with with Motor Neuron disease sit with the others at meal times even though his family had specifically said that he wanted to stay in his own room as he was embarrassed by his condition..His family didnt know about this and I found it tragic that such a clever man had been reduced to this.. he was in his early 60s and had been a master jeweller , surely they could have found a better home for this man than with older people , some with dementia.. Visitors and family couldnt just walk in.. they had to phone first or come at a visiting time.. , I left soon after as I couldnt watch anymore.. Probably some homes are wonderful.... this one wasnt..
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