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of my mother. I posted earlier on another thread that she told me last night that she was moving back to Texas, that she had talked to my brother and was going to live with him. She looked me in the eye when she told me this, even shed some crocodile tears about how grateful she was I had my MIL because "obviously I can't be the mother you need". Then I find out today, she lied to my face, she never made plans to move to Texas with my brother, according to him they didn't even discuss it.
These last two years I have done my best to get her healthy, get her involved with life outside the walls of the house, tried to get her to go to church gone to more doctors appointments than I cared to, all for a person who basically has no intention of doing anything to make her life better. All this time I have been worried to death that she was in the early stages of dementia even though my husband, his mother and several others had told me that she didn't have it, she was just trying to manipulate me, so she could be the center of attention. This time she went to far, she is going to Texas as soon as I get my trip to Tucson figured out, she will not be coming back to live with me, if he has to find her an apartment, put her in a nursing home or live under a bridge, I just can't do this anymore. What kind of mother does this to her child? I can NEVER imagine an instance that would EVER make me do this to one of my children. I am devastated that she would even for a tiny moment in time would think this was appropriate.
What are you hoping to get from this forum?
* Tactical advice - things to do and say that might make your life better?
* Attitude adjustment - a different way to frame the situation, to make it less devastating and make you feel better?
* A sympathetic ear - someone to say, "Ain't it awful? Poor you!"?
I don't want to give advice if all you want to do is vent.
of my mother. I posted earlier on another thread that she told me last night that she was moving back to Texas, that she had talked to my brother and was going to live with him. She looked me in the eye when she told me this, even shed some crocodile tears about how grateful she was I had my MIL because "obviously I can't be the mother you need". Then I find out today, she lied to my face, she never made plans to move to Texas with my brother, according to him they didn't even discuss it.
These last two years I have done my best to get her healthy, get her involved with life outside the walls of the house, tried to get her to go to church gone to more doctors appointments than I cared to, all for a person who basically has no intention of doing anything to make her life better. All this time I have been worried to death that she was in the early stages of dementia even though my husband, his mother and several others had told me that she didn't have it, she was just trying to manipulate me, so she could be the center of attention. This time she went to far, she is going to Texas as soon as I get my trip to Tucson figured out, she will not be coming back to live with me, if he has to find her an apartment, put her in a nursing home or live under a bridge, I just can't do this anymore. What kind of mother does this to her child? I can NEVER imagine an instance that would EVER make me do this to one of my children. I am devastated that she would even for a tiny moment in time would think this was appropriate.
You know I am in a weird position because my first thought is I can't even fathom my mother doing this to me. But really I can. I have the dim memories of my mother being MI and I could conjure them up if I wanted or needed to. But hers were encapsulated into episodes, she wasn't this way all the time.
I do have a brother sort of this way. (all the time) I help with what I can and am willing to do and no more. Period. I have tried negotiating, everything under the sun, but there is no such thing with a bad actor who will lie and manipulate.
He has repeatedly asked me to move in with him and take care of him because he is too cheap to hire care and he wants a 24/7 slave, which I cannot imagine why he believes I'd fill my mother's shoes and be that. But he does!
He makes up all kinds of lies about how he won't disturb my work/sleep schedule and all that but that is a LIE. I guess he counts on sympathy factor to drag me in and then condition me the way he did my Mom. But I am not my Mom.
I won't BE conditioned like her. I won't. I am not a cold and unfeeling person in the least but part of how he conditioned her was refusing to use his cane/walker/whatever and then falling. I probably appeared cold and unfeeling because I already knew this was all on purpose. I was like that was really stupid. Why don't you use your cane/walker/whatever? <rage at me would ensue>
I tried to tell everyone he's doing this on purpose. He's conditioning her to worry about him every second of the day, presenting her with her baby boy FALLING! He could crack his head!
Anyway, I said a little of that so you know I have an understanding of how this feels. I am sorry beyond words your own mother is doing this, it's harder IMO to disconnect from a Mom than a brother one never got along with anyway.
Although I still have not completely thrown in the towel on my brother. I won't let him gobble up Mom's house with borrowing against it and gambling it. He probably thinks that is pure selfishness, but my interest in the home is purely speculative. It requires him to die before me or maybe going into nursing home would trigger my half. I don't stay up nights worrying over that. I worry about him being on the street.
Is it possible for you to do a bare minimum to keep her as ok as she can be w/o it infringing on your life to the detriment of yourself?
* Tactical advice - things to do and say that might make your life better?
* Attitude adjustment - a different way to frame the situation, to make it less devastating and make you feel better?
* A sympathetic ear - someone to say, "Ain't it awful? Poor you!"?
I don't want to give advice if all you want to do is vent.
The OP is a regular on this Caregiving Forum. If you decide to regularly visit this section of C-D, you will become familiar with the regulars, their stories, their situations.
It's OK to vent on this forum. And it's also OK not to give advice. And it's also OK to give advice to someone who's venting. And it's also OK to either take or ignore or contemplate or tweak the advice given freely on this forum.
You're not obligated in any way, and neither is the OP. However, the general vibe on this section of C-D is one of compassion and support.
* Tactical advice - things to do and say that might make your life better?
* Attitude adjustment - a different way to frame the situation, to make it less devastating and make you feel better?
* A sympathetic ear - someone to say, "Ain't it awful? Poor you!"?
I don't want to give advice if all you want to do is vent.
Sometimes people just need to vent. I don't recall her asking for advice.
* Tactical advice - things to do and say that might make your life better?
* Attitude adjustment - a different way to frame the situation, to make it less devastating and make you feel better?
* A sympathetic ear - someone to say, "Ain't it awful? Poor you!"?
I don't want to give advice if all you want to do is vent.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
The OP is a regular on this Caregiving Forum. If you decide to regularly visit this section of C-D, you will become familiar with the regulars, their stories, their situations.
It's OK to vent on this forum. And it's also OK not to give advice. And it's also OK to give advice to someone who's venting. And it's also OK to either take or ignore or contemplate or tweak the advice given freely on this forum.
You're not obligated in any way, and neither is the OP. However, the general vibe on this section of C-D is one of compassion and support.
Just a heads' up.
I second the compassion and support. I find it helpful to receive comments/advice from different perspectives when I post with a problem. Some advice is good, some not so much, after all!
My MIL has been doing some lying also lately. Well, more than usual.
The thing is, she lies to herself and then she actually believes her own lies (not joking). She would be HORRIFIED to be called a liar. She really, really does live in her own little world in her mind.
Get your mom out of your house ASAP. You can provide ethical care for her without having her in your home.
Thank you all for allowing me to vent about this and all the venting I have done over the last 2 years. To those of you who offered advice, please know I read your advice and took it to heart. To those who understood the need to vent and commented on it, thank you. I have begun making preparations to take my life back, I understand that my mothers choices are hers and hers alone and I also understand that I am the only one who can change my situation. I really try to keep my posts and venting to a minimum because I do know that most of it is just the same thing over and over again. So again thank you all for your patience and compassion.
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