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I found this forum when it was becoming increasing obvious that we were going to have to take drastic action to help my folks, despite their insistence that everything was fine. Even though every story is different, connecting with others who are also caregivers in one form or another has been an important part of coping with our situation.
Part of it is catharsis as I process my own past caregiving, and, process caregiving experiences of friends, family and coworkers.
Part of it is grave concerns I have about certain family members based on their lack of good robust plans for if / when they require caregiving. This second use case brings me here to absorb as much as I can.
I'm here because......I'm 70 yrs old and still don't know everything. None of us knows everything .. and I tend to enjoy the learned a lesson threads like Aventures with Mom & others simply because I learn from them .. I am NOW far better prepared for my future simply because I have applied what I learned to my own self.. there is now a dPOA in place and a medical poa just incase .. I have no money to fight over or to save .. and I know I will be sent to a less than steller "home" when the need arises but yanno that's ok.. my kids will only have to make the last choices for me and I told them that the DNR has to stand .. like it or not .. I saw what not having one did to my husband when he died of a pacemaker fail.. I saw and heard what happens when they code blue someone in such cases .. I don't want that to be my kids last memories.. but if I can die quietly and comfortably without all the extras that are shoved on the dying then I will be fine with how nature takes its course .. I am lucky that I still have my wits and know who I am .. when I do not then its time to place me and to let life happen.. Death doesn't scare me on those terms .. dying slowly one minute at a time in pain and fear does.. the idea of a home where I sit and wait to die KNOWING who I am is far scarier than blind unawareness of myself. So my plan is to keep my mind sharp and nimble .. help myself as much as possible ask little of others and not be a pest ..and when its time to place me do it with a sense of relief and love for both me and my kids .. Hopefully it will not come to that ( placement ) and I will slip away with no big deal in my sleep. Meantime I read here and learn and take notes for the short term future of my well lived life.
I liked to say I came here in Breech Caregiver style! I was a caregiver long before arriving here ...yet my oh my the tales and adventures amaze me.
My mother has since passed and I reckon there is a sense of "WHo woulda thunk!" when all is said and done.
Between the services ( referrals by some members) and the hardships entailed,
it's a wonder some can some day say as I do often...How blessed I was to be a friend to my mother...and how much I did wrong as well.
I regret very little ...as I cannot undo the loss. I can though understand that to GIVE care to another HUMAN being is humbling,challenging, and on some days...exhausting.
In so much as being "amazed", I suppose that this changing of the guards in the next generation coming into power...I do see an outcasting of the elders or infirmed...in part due to the "inconvenience" and sometimes the natural inability to fullfill a role that really is serious business. Its doubly challenging and I have more respect for those who do say...I simply cannot be that person. Just as I can not be a Sales Person...or A fire fighter, I do understand that some cannot be a care giver.
For most of the contributors to this forum, it is a support and a guide for varying issues that come up...safety, economics, medicines, and even the daily strife that occurs....Glad we have some folks who identify and seek out ways to adjust...
Came here for assistance when I suddenly found myself as Mom's caregiver. Just knowing others are in similar situations and have found ways to cope helped enormously.
I guess I'm just interested in the people / stories I read. I don't post much but I read a lot. I spent about 17 years in caregiving mode for my 1st Husband who was sick most of his adult life. I took him back and forth to dialysis treatments, went to another state with him twice for operations, much physical therapy while he learned to walk again...and on and on. There were many mental challenges along the way.
I've seen my current husband through 7 operations so far, some little, some major. There are another 2 operations, both major in his future.
We are soon retired. He really should not be working with his physical state as it is. Somehow he does it and it is a constant worry for me as I can see what's down the road. Being almost 70, I am interested in the long term aspect of this and how it might affect us financially should we go down that road. One of us will be caring for the other unless we miraculously leave this world together. We have no family nearby.
I "saw" a stepmother through her struggles with her husband's last days, which was months. I was the one who visited the hospital over and over and sat with her in the hospice home. Other members in the family were just hopelessly clueless what support she might need.
We also took DMiL in for her last days when her daughter "couldn't have her dying in her house" because it freaked her out...and we made a space for her here until she passed.
So, it is a subject I an very familiar with. I hope I am gaining wisdom and perspective.
I'm here because occasionally I will read caregiving forums to see if I can find answers to care questions I have about my clients, who are also patients. Dementia care patients are usually my most misunderstood people. They have lots of medication and behavioral issues. Sometimes the families are so overwhelmed that I do the research to let them know what I find.
Im on her not for myself but a relative who does most of the caring for her mother while struggling with going to work part time too and taking care of her own family.. she looks pale and drained when I visit.. and I thought to myself how lucky I was that didnt have to do this sort of thing...and why now Im reading these threads which are both sad and interesting.. seeing how some people put their own lives on hold for another.. I just pray I never had to rely on any of my family to do this for me...
I don't remember how I found this forum, but it was like nectar to the soul because it is (or used to be) a venue where one could "keep it real" -- talk about the hard truths faced in caregiving, and get advice for ways to handle difficult situations that no one else in our circles understands.
There are plenty of places to obtain advice -- articles, national associations, blogs and such -- but the Caregiving forum is the one place (besides an in-person support group, which none of us really can carve out time for) where a person could say how they truly feel AND get real insight to the grittiness of day in and day out aging and/or illness.
It has also made me realize there are many forms of caregiving. Taking care of someone's needs and all that entails -- cooking/feeding, bathing, medical appointments, doing the finances/bills -- that's one form of caregiving. The other side of caregiving is the emotional/behavioral, where the person being cared for is continually making the care process hell for the caregiver either because 1) they can't control their actions due to mental or physical problems -- or 2) they are just stubborn, willful and noncompliant. It seems like overwhelmingly most of us are here due to the emotional/behavioral side.
Frankly, as my father continues to age, with me as his ONLY form of support, this forum will continue to be invaluable to me as I navigate his journey and help my husband continue HIS mother's journey. I'm not looking for anyone here to caretake my feelings -- it's not up to any of you to make me feel better or "validate" what I'm doing. Just being here makes me not feel so alone.
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