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My Dad's office is close so I think he feels that if Dad loved him and cared about him he'd call everyday and ask what he needs before he goes home. He doesn't 'get' the traffic thing, how my Dad needs to leave by a certain time, or all the things he has to do at home. He honestly feels that Dad doesn't love him. He said as much to my out of town Aunt. He said to me the other night Dad is 'cold'.
I am not trying to overhaul him, I thought perhaps I could do something about this one thing. I like my Love Language idea so far. 'Talking' is huge for my brother but my Dad is the opposite. He wants to talk only long enough to find out what he should do (or not) and that is all. A lot of my brother talking is ranting, and Dad doesn't do ranting. He calls that having a temper tantrum.
To be honest, I think you're likely wasting your time trying to get your brother to appreciate your father.
Your brother's idea that your father should put his needs first before else is not due to his disability - but due to his personality.
If he were able bodied with a wife and kids, he'd likely have the same complaints. "Why isn't dad over here babysitting his grandchildren?" "Why isn't dad taking the kids to Disney?".
It's a very self-centered attitude towards the world - and it's not something that is likely to change in someone well beyond childhood. (teenage years are probably almost too late; middle-age is basically a lost cause).
To be honest, I think you're likely wasting your time trying to get your brother to appreciate your father.
Your brother's idea that your father should put his needs first before else is not due to his disability - but due to his personality.
If he were able bodied with a wife and kids, he'd likely have the same complaints. "Why isn't dad over here babysitting his grandchildren?" "Why isn't dad taking the kids to Disney?".
It's a very self-centered attitude towards the world - and it's not something that is likely to change in someone well beyond childhood. (teenage years are probably almost too late; middle-age is basically a lost cause).
I agree I shouldn't go to great lengths. Doesn't hurt to take a stab at it. I think his time is getting shorter at home. I am sad for him.
His money won't last. He doesn't spend it wisely. His SS check won't support the home and the loans. He should pay the loans OFF but he doesn't think ahead well. And he doesn't see that the way we do. He sees it like 'Well, if I can't drive the Van anymore at some point, why should I waste my money paying it off?' (According to my Aunt, who isn't totally reliable but if that is true the answer would be 'so you can sell it')
My Aunt does have the right idea about money. Pay off all loans. Then when the money runs out Medicaid kicks in to pay medical and the SS check will cover regular expenses. I agree. He does not.
So, his time is probably shortening, paying medical bills that keep growing, and when someone's decent standard of living looks like it's going away...........it's sad.
Some people are just by nature extremely self centered.
They believe that the world revolves around them and their needs. The OP's brother seems to be one of these people, as does the subject of post #21.
These are not people who suddenly look at their parents and see them for the old, possibly frail, persons they are - who might need help themselves.
They look around and wonder "why isn't everyone focusing on MEEEEEEEEE??".
Not a great personality type, to put it mildly.
As far as changing it - especially when the person is middle aged?? Good luck!!
Since his mother made him the center of her life, it's not hard to understand why he feels this way. It won't change. OP will soon be picking up this role if she hasn't already.
My Dad's office is close so I think he feels that if Dad loved him and cared about him he'd call everyday and ask what he needs before he goes home. He doesn't 'get' the traffic thing, how my Dad needs to leave by a certain time, or all the things he has to do at home. He honestly feels that Dad doesn't love him. He said as much to my out of town Aunt. He said to me the other night Dad is 'cold'.
I am not trying to overhaul him, I thought perhaps I could do something about this one thing. I like my Love Language idea so far. 'Talking' is huge for my brother but my Dad is the opposite. He wants to talk only long enough to find out what he should do (or not) and that is all. A lot of my brother talking is ranting, and Dad doesn't do ranting. He calls that having a temper tantrum.
And yet he's a lawyer and 'very good listener'? Just not with his son? How can lawyer hate the telephone? Much of their work is conducted over the phone.
And yet he's a lawyer and 'very good listener'? Just not with his son? How can lawyer hate the telephone? Much of their work is conducted over the phone.
Part of what makes him hate it. He's forced at the office. He's forced to listen to rants. He's not listening to ours too!
Some people are just by nature extremely self centered.
They believe that the world revolves around them and their needs. The OP's brother seems to be one of these people, as does the subject of post #21.
These are not people who suddenly look at their parents and see them for the old, possibly frail, persons they are - who might need help themselves.
They look around and wonder "why isn't everyone focusing on MEEEEEEEEE??".
Not a great personality type, to put it mildly.
As far as changing it - especially when the person is middle aged?? Good luck!!
People are born naturally self-focused. They have to be to survive but gradually they are weaned from that. Since OP's mother never weaned her brother and continued to let him be the focus of her life, it's all he knows. We teach people how to treat us and his mother taught him to be very self-centered. It's not a personality type, it's learned behavior. He was trained by his mother to be this way.
If my son was stuck at home all day every day, I would probably call before I left work and asked if he needed anything. Doing that a couple of times a week isn't asking too much, but it sounds like his father is "too busy" to do even that. It's not difficult to see why his son thinks his father doesn't care, there's very little evidence that he does care.
People are born naturally self-focused. They have to be to survive but gradually they are weaned from that. Since OP's mother never weaned her brother and continued to let him be the focus of her life, it's all he knows. We teach people how to treat us and his mother taught him to be very self-centered. It's not a personality type, it's learned behavior. He was trained by his mother to be this way.
If my son was stuck at home all day every day, I would probably call before I left work and asked if he needed anything. Doing that a couple of times a week isn't asking too much, but it sounds like his father is "too busy" to do even that. It's not difficult to see why his son thinks his father doesn't care, there's very little evidence that he does care.
I agree I shouldn't go to great lengths. Doesn't hurt to take a stab at it. I think his time is getting shorter at home. I am sad for him.
His money won't last. He doesn't spend it wisely. His SS check won't support the home and the loans. He should pay the loans OFF but he doesn't think ahead well. And he doesn't see that the way we do. He sees it like 'Well, if I can't drive the Van anymore at some point, why should I waste my money paying it off?' (According to my Aunt, who isn't totally reliable but if that is true the answer would be 'so you can sell it')
My Aunt does have the right idea about money. Pay off all loans. Then when the money runs out Medicaid kicks in to pay medical and the SS check will cover regular expenses. I agree. He does not.
So, his time is probably shortening, paying medical bills that keep growing, and when someone's decent standard of living looks like it's going away...........it's sad.
It's all very sad. Sad about his finances, sad that he will soon have to leave his home, and sad about his father's lack of interest. You need to 'let go and let God' handle this unless you want to be his full time caregiver, because that's the way it's headed. But you know that.
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