Dad's giving me agita

[jencam]

How sad. I'm afraid cutting visits would deeply upset him, based on what you said before. Maybe it has to be 'groundhog day' on this subject for y'all, but is the visit overall pleasant until he goes to this?

[don1945]

Aging is tough. My ex wife is going through what you are with her father right now. He's in his 90's and they moved him into a care facility. He hates it. She calls him every day, and the conversations really bring her down, all he talks about is how he wants to go home and be able to drive again, which is impossible.

She has told him repeatedly that he is not going to be able to do those things, so he fights with her. She has now changed to only calling him every 2nd or 3rd day (she lives 1200 miles from him) because the calls are too hard on her and leave her depressed.

There is no easy solution. But, I guess, the best answer is to be honest with him and tell him it is just best for him to stay where he is as he has activities and care that you can not provide. You are entitled to your life too, and that is not being selfish.

[krdpm]

I used to spend a lot of time with patients in dementia units.
At some point, flat out lying is actually the kindest thing, although I'm not sure your dad is at the point where that's appropriate yet.
An example, patient constantly coming up to the nurses desk asking to go home, and being told that they 'have a room here for tonight, and it's all paid for". As if it's a hotel. Patients would find that familiar and understandable, and kind of reassuring and comforting.
You could try something similar with your father, like saying, "The doctor wants you to stay here until january. We've already paid for it, so can you just hang in there for a few months." Mention the new friend and how you don't want to pull your father out because the friend will have no one....things along those lines. Give him something his mind can latch onto as an end point.

[Jesseco]

Originally Posted by krdpm

I used to spend a lot of time with patients in dementia units.
At some point, flat out lying is actually the kindest thing, although I'm not sure your dad is at the point where that's appropriate yet.
An example, patient constantly coming up to the nurses desk asking to go home, and being told that they 'have a room here for tonight, and it's all paid for". As if it's a hotel. Patients would find that familiar and understandable, and kind of reassuring and comforting.
You could try something similar with your father, like saying, "The doctor wants you to stay here until january. We've already paid for it, so can you just hang in there for a few months." Mention the new friend and how you don't want to pull your father out because the friend will have no one....things along those lines. Give him something his mind can latch onto as an end point.

I think this is great advice. This way you are not flat out denying your father'w request; therefore he can have hope that his wish will come true eventually. And eventually he will hopefully forget about his desire to leave.

[runswithscissors]

Daily is definitely too frequent. Visits OR phone calls. Too much. As you've noticed, there are no phrases right now. As long as he sees you every day - the topic in his brain is YOU and FREEDOM (lol).

Every move is stressful for them and possibly they progress....and he has to build relationships with the staff there for now AND so when he progresses, he'll have people there who know and understand him and can work with him. THEY have to keep him CALM. GREEN not RED. You're only there visiting and not really having it fall on you after you leave and he's charged up. Or he knows enough to anticipate you at night so he's fixated on it and "she's picking me up" (perhaps in his brain at least).

I hope I'm wrong but he COULD be the type who's gonna lay on that now all the time :"Going home" business. Remember when I said you may find him with his stuff "packed" one day? And you may have to lie that "We can't leave until.....whatever" Or that your car is broken.

So if he starts insulting you about it don't be hurt. Like: "Oh you think you're so smart all you want is my money" or other nonsense like that.

My client said to her daughter on the phone after an HOUR of drama that the daughter caused (because she was INSISTING she was going to "explain" to her mother why she couldn't leave)...: "Oh ok, missy just go powder your nose or whatever other mundane bulls$it you can think of instead of picking me up." hahahahaha Not to mention - half the country away.

When I called that daughter's sister and told her we were howling laughing but the one on the phone was totally frazzled about it. DON'T GET THAT WAY. He's got a demon in his brain. When he's in a mood NOTHING YOU SAY will be okay because he's just going to change the subject or keep arguing even denying stuff he said in the last sentence. (eventually)

I'd call or go see the clinical director (a nurse probably?) and say you're backing off because you want to decrease his anxiety and give them an opportunity to create some routine...but please call you if something is going on they feel is too much. LIKE if he's anxious and getting hostile more or for longer periods. And that you'll continue to check in with them. (so they don't think you're abandoning him or something).

That's usually when the psychiatrists would consider an anti anxiety med in the morning and then as needed later on for the nursing staff if they see an eruption coming.

Speaking of which, psychiatrists want to see them to renew many drugs and it's difficult to get them out to do that in later stages. Catch 22. But SOMETIMES the general practitioner will prescribe it but IMO they should NOT - unless it's in partnership with the shrink.

He might go either way - calm down and accepting or escalating the anxiety which then can turn really bad. So unfortunately the only way you have to see if YOUR being there is a negative is to trial and error it.

Going out is a toss up. Sometimes fine, sometimes horrible.

P.S.The only "good" lie I can think of right now is that your house has mold and it's going to take months to repair so you're staying with a girlfriend. Someone else used that one here a couple years ago and it worked. Might even have been partially true, I forget.

[silibran]

I agree that you can cut back on your visits. The break that will come when you go back to settle his property is probably good timing. Of course you can call him a couple of times while you are away.

You cannot reason with a demented person. You can't reason with him because he can't reason well. He only knows what he wants. He wants an independent life, he probably wants to drive, he wants all the things he is missing, even though he might really not be able to do those things on his own. Basically, he wants his old mind back. But you know he can't go back, because he is demented.

I want you to think of ways to divert, evade, or lie if you have to. Ultimately, I think the best way is really to give him a reason he can accept, even though it might be far fetched. Dream up a fairly plausible reason and stick to it. But evade as long as you can before doing so. But don't waste your time trying to reason with him. You will never win an argument with a demented person.