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So a lot of you have followed my saga with getting my dad to come live with me and then depositing him in ALF when things got to be too much (not concerned that he was sitting in a smoke-filled room after trying to cook soup in a rubber-bottomed dog-food bowl). The advice I got here was invaluable.
Well, since then he has really taken to the ALF in a lot of ways. He is now participating in the activities, has made friends with another guy his age and is generally interacting well. He's improved significantly since he got there - he now knows his age, the month, where he is, what day of the week it is, etc. I credit the facility with keeping him active and involved and really giving his day structure, which I could not do. Seriously, this has been almost miraculous with how much he has pulled himself together.
Except, now that he feels great, he constantly asks me when he can move out and come back to live with me. Or he's telling me about how he's going to move to Florida or get his own apartment. And I try to play along, but he's trying more and more to pin me down on how this will happen. Also, his dementia is not as advanced as it is for most of the people at the facility, so he is kind of frustrated by that (except for the one guy he is friends with).
Honestly, I've been in a crazy anxiety spiral for the past few months over Dad and my job and how my dad was affecting my performance at my job. I try to visit him every day, but the conversation always turns back to when can he go home, when can I bring him some money and when are we flying back to his home. I need some ready made phrases to cope with this or something. "We'll figure it out later" has not been cutting the mustard lately.
He thinks he's fine. He's not, and he still exhibits clear signs of dementia - it's just that he's well enough that he can't see it.
This is so hard. When my father was at that stage he fixated on moving back to Pennsylvania with his brother. I had to get his brother to tell him no! Maybe you can concentrate on how much better he is getting and maybe he will get even better if he stays there. Tell him to give it 6 months and see if he continues to improve.
If that doesn't work you need to get his doctor to tell him he can no longer live on his own and needs to stay at the ALF. At least that's something else you can try.
But be aware, unless you have guardianship if he wants it bad enough, he may just find a way to leave. You should probably tell the staff at the ALF he could be a flight risk.
This is so hard. When my father was at that stage he fixated on moving back to Pennsylvania with his brother. I had to get his brother to tell him no! Maybe you can concentrate on how much better he is getting and maybe he will get even better if he stays there. Tell him to give it 6 months and see if he continues to improve.
If that doesn't work you need to get his doctor to tell him he can no longer live on his own and needs to stay at the ALF. At least that's something else you can try.
But be aware, unless you have guardianship if he wants it bad enough, he may just find a way to leave. You should probably tell the staff at the ALF he could be a flight risk.
I have durable POA and the healthcare proxy. Plus, he hasn't figured out that it's a secured facility - still talks about how he's gonna walk up the street to stop by my house and doesn't realize it's only accessible with a key card, which he doesn't have. It would be very hard for him to get out - part of the reason I picked it was because it was so secure. They ONLY do memorycare, so there's no moving between wards or anything.
I thought the ALF would fix things, but it's really just opening up a whole new can of worms. Maybe I will ask his doctor to talk with him next time we go. But for now, I will ask him to give it a few months. Thank you.
I wouldn't go so often. Maybe he will forget about it from one time to the next.
Yeah, maybe that isn't helping. I'm going back to my hometown to deal with some of his property issues, so we won't see each other for 10 days. I'll maybe call once or twice.
Do you think the outings I take him on are making this situatoin worse? We go to the library and out to dinner periodically, and I take him on drives through the mountains. He really loves those trips, but they may make him more restless.
You know, when we were selling my mom's house, she had a week or so leading up to the closing (after it was under contract) where she began to panic. I could understand why but it simply had to be done. She began threatening not to sign the papers, and working on other people (not just me) about how mean it was for her to be forced to stay there and she wanted to move back, this was her last link to my dad, etc etc.
I felt for her - I really, really did - it was sad for me too so I could imagine how sad it was for her to sell her house. But she just could not move back in there without it being dangerous for her, and without it destroying my life in so many ways. Her upkeep would have completely dominated my life and it would have been short lived anyway because her downturn was inevitable.
Plus the interaction with the facility she had moved to was beneficial for her - like it is for your dad.
I just told my mom flat out "Mom, that's not an option. I understand totally why you don't want to sell it, and I really do feel for you, but it just won't work for you or for me in the long run." She got all huffy and puffy and said, "Well I don't have to sell it and I might not sell it," and she crossed her arms and glared at me. I just said, "Well, I'm not going to argue with you about it." I changed the subject and whenever she brought it up, I said, "Sorry, we've already talked about this and you already moved and you knew why you moved."
The day of the closing she was amenable.
Could you just tell your dad that it's not an option? How do you think that would fly with him?
Would just reminding him of what the reality was when he lived alone and when he was living with you be helpful? And telling him that a big part of why he is doing better is bc he is there, receiving the care that he needs in order to thrive?
You know, when we were selling my mom's house, she had a week or so leading up to the closing (after it was under contract) where she began to panic. I could understand why but it simply had to be done. She began threatening not to sign the papers, and working on other people (not just me) about how mean it was for her to be forced to stay there and she wanted to move back, this was her last link to my dad, etc etc.
I felt for her - I really, really did - it was sad for me too so I could imagine how sad it was for her to sell her house. But she just could not move back in there without it being dangerous for her, and without it destroying my life in so many ways. Her upkeep would have completely dominated my life and it would have been short lived anyway because her downturn was inevitable.
Plus the interaction with the facility she had moved to was beneficial for her - like it is for your dad.
I just told my mom flat out "Mom, that's not an option. I understand totally why you don't want to sell it, and I really do feel for you, but it just won't work for you or for me in the long run." She got all huffy and puffy and said, "Well I don't have to sell it and I might not sell it," and she crossed her arms and glared at me. I just said, "Well, I'm not going to argue with you about it." I changed the subject and whenever she brought it up, I said, "Sorry, we've already talked about this and you already moved and you knew why you moved."
The day of the closing she was amenable.
Could you just tell your dad that it's not an option? How do you think that would fly with him?
I stop by for at least a few minutes almost every day. I don't want to now because I want to avoid these conversations - I'm starting to dread the visits because he always comes back to the same topic.
As upbeat as he's being, he does have a nasty side - he is a narcissist or at least very narcissistic, after all. If I tell him something like that ("it's not an option"), he'll just see it as a challenge and lash out. Plus, because he has dementia, this conversation will just keep happening over and over again.
Maybe I just start leaving as soon as he brings up something problematic or cops an attitude? I dunno. That seems... wrong.
Would just reminding him of what the reality was when he lived alone and when he was living with you be helpful? And telling him that a big part of why he is doing better is bc he is there, receiving the care that he needs in order to thrive?
I do that. He doesn't believe me.
This is a new switch that flipped - he was doing great for like 5 days, and then he started beating on this new drum.
Usually there is a facility social worker. They can help guide the best response for someone with dementia. This is not at all uncommon. In the meantime, I know it is hard to hear these comments from your Dad but it's best to not say anything more than "We'll see" and leave it at that. I think cutting back from daily visits to only going a few times a week would help both of you.
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