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Anyone else experience the loss of a parent of natural causes over a period of a few months and when others learn that your parent died, they actually say "It must be such a relief."
This was one of the really bizarre experiences I had with the death of a parent ... along the lines of: are you kidding me, you would be relieved if your parents were dead?
Are people truly retarded in their mental capacity, or are they auto-comically imitating TV sitcom characters, oblivious to their own existence?
I think they are meaning it is a relief they are no longer suffering and you aren't either in having to see them dying especially if you had been talking a lot about how hard it was seeing your parent suffer; however, IMHO it is best for people to just say "I am sorry for your loss"; however some people just seem to say the worst thing without realizing it in these type of situations, not because they are stupid or uncaring but because they just don't know what to say so I'll repeat for those who may be like this, just say "I am sorry for your loss".
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Originally Posted by Lieneke
Anyone else experience the loss of a parent of natural causes over a period of a few months and when others learn that your parent died, they actually say "It must be such a relief."
This was one of the really bizarre experiences I had with the death of a parent ... along the lines of: are you kidding me, you would be relieved if your parents were dead?
Are people truly retarded in their mental capacity, or are they auto-comically imitating TV sitcom characters, oblivious to their own existence?
This is going to be rare for me, but I would not take the words at face value and would not assume ill intent. When my father died a few years ago from liver cirrhosis, seeing him on his deathbed and then realizing he was gone and not suffering anymore, there was relief that the two months of suffering were over for everyone involved. I would take it most who have seen their parent slowly die and suffer in pain feels a sense of relief along with the sadness that they are not present on this earth anymore. Still it is just not a good look to say the word "relief" when you are talking to someone who recently lost someone they loved.
My Mom also had pancreatic cancer, at too young an age, and it was also her sister who said the harshest things.
When my Mom was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, it was very advanced (Stage 4), spread everywhere. There is no hope of cure in this scenario, and the only treatments are chemotherapy to slow the disease progression.
When I told a doctor friend of mine of the diagnosis, maybe a week after the cancer was found, she said..... "Well, this is a blessing......"
Excuse me?!?!
Her point was that by the cancer being so far advanced, her death would likely come sooner, so less time for suffering. Since it was so advanced, my mother would not have to "suffer" through surgery or other invasive treatments.
Really?!?!? Is that the right thing to say, one week after diagnosis?
Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I'd rather have cancer discovered early, so there is still a chance for surgery and a cure. My mother certainly agreed.
Unfortunately, some doctors can be cold. They aren't meaning too, but I think they develop a coldness so that they can cope every time a patient dies. These same people will cry for months when their pet dies but be stoic when a parent dies.
I recently lost a parent after a long illness...and there is part of me that is relieved he isn't in pain any more (and I am not in an impossible situation)...people in my life, even close people don't seem to understand how deeply and painfully sad I am about it all. Even my husband, who is great, expected me to be at full steam ahead 2 days later.
I feel like I have to hide how I am feeling...even when people do express sorrow for me. I even say "well he was sick for a long time, I am glad he isn't in pain any more".
But really, I want to curl up in bed and sob about my daddy being dead. But...I don't.
I recently lost a parent after a long illness...and there is part of me that is relieved he isn't in pain any more (and I am not in an impossible situation)...people in my life, even close people don't seem to understand how deeply and painfully sad I am about it all. Even my husband, who is great, expected me to be at full steam ahead 2 days later.
I feel like I have to hide how I am feeling...even when people do express sorrow for me. I even say "well he was sick for a long time, I am glad he isn't in pain any more".
But really, I want to curl up in bed and sob about my daddy being dead. But...I don't.
I am sorry for your loss.
You don't have to hide how you are feeling. It is OK to curl up in bed and sob.
You don't have to hide how you are feeling. It is OK to curl up in bed and sob.
Despite out differences over the years....I wish you were my friend in this in person and could support me. No one else gets it. Part of it is that I lost a very close friend last fall. So how could I even care if my dad died? Answer...he was my daddy.
I think people sometimes blurt out these kind of comments because they are uncomfortable and don't know what to say...but think they should say SOMETHING because after all, someone's close relative passed on.
I personally go with the policy of saying that I'm sorry for their loss and offer to be there to listen. I might think to myself it might be a relief to them, as in the case of a woman I knew who cared for an elderly parent with Alzheimer's for over a decade--but I would never verbalize it.
I had a miscarriage back in the mid 1990's and missed a day of work to get checked out by the doctor. One of my co-workers took it upon herself to tell the rest of the shop and my boss told me, "Sorry about the loss, but it's probably just as well. It was probably defective or something." I don't think that he meant any harm by it but probably didn't know what to say on the spot. He could have stopped at "sorry about the loss."
I think also that some people say things like this because they project their own reactions onto others. They assume how they would feel in that situation must be what you feel, too.
My wonderful aunt, who passed away of lung cancer had this happen to her. When she was first diagnosed she was pretty advanced in the disease and she mentioned this to the neighbor who was asking her. The neighbor made a comment about that being "wonderful" because "it won't be so long". Wow. We learned later on that the neighbor meant my aunt wouldn't suffer as long but it came out awkward as hell
Despite out differences over the years....I wish you were my friend in this in person and could support me. No one else gets it. Part of it is that I lost a very close friend last fall. So how could I even care if my dad died? Answer...he was my daddy.
Its so darn hard!
I don't understand why no one in your life understands. Our worlds' axis shift when a parent dies. For most people these are the two worst days, and two hardest times in our lives. There is nothing wrong with curling up in bed and crying. I felt my mother come to me to comfort me once when I did that.
I don't understand why no one in your life understands. Our worlds' axis shift when a parent dies. For most people these are the two worst days, and two hardest times in our lives. There is nothing wrong with curling up in bed and crying. I felt my mother come to me to comfort me once when I did that.
I think because he was sick for so long, and because he was often a source of stress in my life. He was also abusive when I was a kid.
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