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It sounds like your sister is stressed and needs a break from your mother. What if you had your mom come stay with you for a couple of weeks? It might work wonders.
I think you need to take a step back and realize just how lucky you are. The conflict you are describing between your sister and yourself is so minor compared with how these things go down in most families. You need to take a deep breath and find inside yourself gratitude for your sister commensurate with the burden she has undertaken. I know it is not easy when you feel like you disagree with her actions, but the truth is that she is shouldering the lion's share of the burden for your mother's care. You need to cut her some slack.
Ask yourself what you can do to help your sister rather than judge her actions in this stressful time. What would help her out? Maybe you can find and do the due-diligence on an elder "day care" program? Can you enable your mother's independence by taking her out driving and reviewing her skills? Can you get her to some of the appointments necessary to get her vision and hearing up to snuff for driving? Could you take over the bills and deal with the hospital payments from your father's death? Basically anything that takes some of the burden off of your sister?
I watched my mother be abandoned by her brothers when she took care of her father. I saw her hair fall out in clumps and finally turn stark white due to this burden she handled by herself. My grandfather was lucky enough to die in his own home without the big drama of a hospital illness. So it was as unstressful as it could be, and it was still an enormous undertaking.
I am eighty. I drive on the on the freeway. I try to take alternate routes, but the place i live is tied to freeway driving. Once a month, one of my kids drives with me to be sure I still have my wits about me.
In a town of 30,000 why can't your mom drive to the grocery store? Get the local cop to drive with her to be sure she is up to it.
I was the caregiver for my mom while she died at my home. She was terrified of nursing homes. Caregiving is a stressful project even when there is help. Your mom probably needs some sort of social outlet. Perhaps you could take care of that a couple days a week and give your sister a break.
I think you need to take a step back and realize just how lucky you are. The conflict you are describing between your sister and yourself is so minor compared with how these things go down in most families. You need to take a deep breath and find inside yourself gratitude for your sister commensurate with the burden she has undertaken. I know it is not easy when you feel like you disagree with her actions, but the truth is that she is shouldering the lion's share of the burden for your mother's care. You need to cut her some slack.
Ask yourself what you can do to help your sister rather than judge her actions in this stressful time. What would help her out? Maybe you can find and do the due-diligence on an elder "day care" program? Can you enable your mother's independence by taking her out driving and reviewing her skills? Can you get her to some of the appointments necessary to get her vision and hearing up to snuff for driving? Could you take over the bills and deal with the hospital payments from your father's death? Basically anything that takes some of the burden off of your sister?
I watched my mother be abandoned by her brothers when she took care of her father. I saw her hair fall out in clumps and finally turn stark white due to this burden she handled by herself. My grandfather was lucky enough to die in his own home without the big drama of a hospital illness. So it was as unstressful as it could be, and it was still an enormous undertaking.
This.
Your sister has taken on a huge responsibility and remember - she also lost her dad - while he was "in her care." And then she "inherited" the lion's share of your mom's care. I speak from personal experience on this - it's a huge, life shattering burden.
Don't add to her stress level - do what you can to help mitigate that stress level. In addition to the excellent suggestions I've bolded above, could you perhaps commit to just coming to pick up Mom and do whatever - something fun, not doctor appts or errands - once a week? Take her grocery shopping, maybe hang out with her afterwards and help her cook some stuff for the upcoming week? Have her come spend a weekend with you once a month (make a commitment to that - put it on the calendar)? In other words get her out and about, and out of your sister's hair for a bit, every week.
And maybe, while you're doing this, get a gift certificate for a massage or facial or whatever, for your sister. Believe me, she needs it.
Your sister has taken on a huge responsibility and remember - she also lost her dad - while he was "in her care." And then she "inherited" the lion's share of your mom's care. I speak from personal experience on this - it's a huge, life shattering burden.
Don't add to her stress level - do what you can to help mitigate that stress level. In addition to the excellent suggestions I've bolded above, could you perhaps commit to just coming to pick up Mom and do whatever - something fun, not doctor appts or errands - once a week? Take her grocery shopping, maybe hang out with her afterwards and help her cook some stuff for the upcoming week? Have her come spend a weekend with you once a month (make a commitment to that - put it on the calendar)? In other words get her out and about, and out of your sister's hair for a bit, every week.
And maybe, while you're doing this, get a gift certificate for a massage or facial or whatever, for your sister. Believe me, she needs it.
It sounds like your sister is stressed and needs a break from your mother. What if you had your mom come stay with you for a couple of weeks? It might work wonders.
Thanks.
Its something to consider. I doubt my mother will want to do that, but maybe its something to shoot for soon so my sister can take a vacation.
My mother did/coordinated/administered/arranged payment for all the care for her aging mother, to keep her in her own apartment for 5 years after she became demented.
My aunt, who had a mental health issue, sniped and complained that my mother wasn't doing it well enough. Then my aunt took my grandmother home for a weekend, brought her right back, and didn't say a word. She just helped herself to all my grandmother's jewelry, including all the things my mother and her children had bought for my grandmother, and rarely if ever came to visit. But, she didn't complain anymore about the care my mother was providing.
Point is, your sister is the one who kept your father at home, and is keeping your mother at home. Your sister walks on water.
Take your mother home to your house for visits. Visit her frequently, every day if you're close, as often as you can if you're far. Take her on errands, take her out, bring the grandchildren to visit, take her on vacations, do everything you can for her, so as to take some of the burden off of your sister. Help her out!
You don't like how your sister is managing things? Bring your mother home to your house as often and for as long as possible, and then invite/persuade her to move in with you for the rest of her life.
I am eighty. I drive on the on the freeway. I try to take alternate routes, but the place i live is tied to freeway driving. Once a month, one of my kids drives with me to be sure I still have my wits about me.
In a town of 30,000 why can't your mom drive to the grocery store? Get the local cop to drive with her to be sure she is up to it.
I was the caregiver for my mom while she died at my home. She was terrified of nursing homes. Caregiving is a stressful project even when there is help. Your mom probably needs some sort of social outlet. Perhaps you could take care of that a couple days a week and give your sister a break.
Fortunately, she doesn't need to go on the freeway and I'm sure she wont.
I'm not concerned about her wits as she is mentally sharp. The hearing is an issue. She has said she wants to get the hearing aids and I will keep pushing her on that. I'm more concerned about her flexibility and whether or not she can physically react as quickly as she might need to. And frankly, even if she can drive safely I'm concerned about her ability to safely navigate the grocery store. She is a trip and fall waiting to happen.
I'm going to tell her I want to go with her the next time and see how she does. Also, try to convince her to use a store where she can order online and pick up curbside.
She definitely needs more social outlets. She has one group of women she meets with, but unfortunately they suspend meetings for the summer so bad timing there.
She spends a lot of time on the phone and emailing with her 2 sisters, my other sister who lives out of state, grandkids, and a couple old friends where they used to live. I talk to her at least every other day. And, I usually take her out to lunch once or twice a week. I take her and took my dad to about half of their doctors appointments and that usually includes a meal and or visiting afterwards.
Definitely need to find some more activities for her if possible.
[quote=parentologist;52045888]My mother did/coordinated/administered/arranged payment for all the care for her aging mother, to keep her in her own apartment for 5 years after she became demented.
My aunt, who had a mental health issue, sniped and complained that my mother wasn't doing it well enough. Then my aunt took my grandmother home for a weekend, brought her right back, and didn't say a word. She just helped herself to all my grandmother's jewelry, including all the things my mother and her children had bought for my grandmother, and rarely if ever came to visit. But, she didn't complain anymore about the care my mother was providing.
Point is, your sister is the one who kept your father at home, and is keeping your mother at home. Your sister walks on water.
Take your mother home to your house for visits. Visit her frequently, every day if you're close, as often as you can if you're far. Take her on errands, take her out, bring the grandchildren to visit, take her on vacations, do everything you can for her, so as to take some of the burden off of your sister. Help her out!
You don't like how your sister is managing things? Bring your mother home to your house as often and for as long as possible, and then invite/persuade her to move in with you for the rest of her life.[/QUOTE
I'm not your aunt.
If anyone has mental issues, its my sister.
My sister had my mother in an emotional meltdown the day before my father died, relentlessly berating her to call in hospice.
My parents and now my mother would have been better off moving into a nice assisted living/continuing care facility which they could well afford.
I have not been criticizing my sister. I have gone along with and helped her no matter how crazy some of the stuff she comes up with.
This has all come to a head because I finally had enough and challenged her about how she was treating my mother.
Encourage your mom to come live with you. Maybe you can do a better job with your 84 year old mother than your sister does. And your sister would probably appreciate the break after caring for both your elderly parents for several years now.
As for your sister "bullying your mother to call in hospice for your dad" - your dad was sick enough to need hospice care, and hospice can be very helpful for the family members as well as the patient. Hospice care can take a huge load off of the family members who are very involved in the daily care of a terminally ill loved one. I realize that if someone doesn't have that experience or experience with a hospice program, they may not realize this though.
I really, really encourage you to support your sister rather than focusing on what you perceive as her criticisms of you. Maybe she's being critical, maybe overly so for all I know, but one thing I do know is the fear and frustration and sense of being overwhelmed by responsibilities when dealing (basically alone though I have two brothers) with the ongoing and increasing needs (and illnesses and deaths) of elderly parents and inlaws. It doesn't bring out the best in people.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 05-30-2018 at 10:58 AM..
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