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It sounds like she's been through a lot of emotional upheaval and might still be in heavy mourning or even very depressed and has no clue. She's probably chugging through every day, just putting one foot in front of the other. On top of mourning your father and her husband, she is trying to take care of your (both of you) mother and is likely feeling overwhelmed.
My sister loves to tell me I have a martyr complex if I complain about one thing about taking care of my dad, so I no longer complain. I lost my mom 5 years ago and I miss her every day. None of the siblings are even willing to give us a caregiver break (I know that's not the case with you), and my husband and I are exhausted sometimes. He is getting more and more frustrating to deal with, won't wear any clean clothes and won't take his pills. Lies to us all the time to keep from doing anything he doesn't want to do. I could go on and on, but I won't. We are not martyrs, but we feel overwhelmed. We also know what exhausts him, what he can handle and what he can't, because we deal with him 24/7.
One more complaint and I will stop, LOL. His bio son (I am step daughter) is a doctor who lives 30 minutes away. Last time he physically visited my dad was in mid-March. He has every excuse in the book. It's disgusting to me. He says he has too many bad feelings from when he was a child. Ummm, we all lived with the man (my stepbrother was a regular visitor, we lived nearby), we know how he could be. But at this point he is fragile and losing his memory every day. Much as he makes me nuts sometimes, he needs to be cared for at this point in his life.
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming. Sorry for my side vent!
She has been through a lot. I don't think she is still in heavy mourning or depressed. I'm sure she has days, but she doesn't generally act or talk that way when we talk about it.
And for the record, I haven't been calling her a martyr even when she complains. I usually just let her vent, find out if she wants me to do something or suggest solutions if I have one or think she's open to one. She explicitly played the martyr card with me.
Sorry you have so much on your plate. Glad I gave you a place to vent.
Maybe start your own thread. Lot of experienced caregivers here with good advice.
The denial that families go through around the topic and time of death is truly incredible. It can be extremely frustrating to someone who sees things realistically. And yes, the denial can lead to unnecessary suffering, as people refuse to ask for help and pain medication.
It's all water under the bridge. Remember, that was her father suffering in front of her, not just your mother's husband. Let it all go. Focus on moving forward cooperatively. With you mom being 84 and with her own health issues, it's not going to get any easier.
I agree that the notion of getting mom driving again is totally nuts. An 84 year old woman who hasn't driven in a number of years is not safe to drive.
I was under the understanding that hospice was contacted by the doctor.
I did call the one a few blocks from us and was told they had to be put on the case by a physician. Is that true?
I am supposing that the doctor wanted the father to go on hospice but his wife of 64 years (the OP's mother) was hesitant to allow that to be done (or needed more time to accept it) and the one daughter was pressuring her to immediately place him on hospice.
When my late husband was at that point the doctor suggested it---even encouraged it-----but it was my actual decision (as his medical power of attorney) to withhold any life saving procedures such as using a breathing tube/tracheotomy, stopping medications and treatments, DNR, etc.
Last edited by germaine2626; 05-30-2018 at 06:08 PM..
I was under the understanding that hospice was contacted by the doctor.
I did call the one a few blocks from us and was told they had to be put on the case by a physician. Is that true?
One thing I learned from all this is many doctors are cowards lol.
They prefer to have the nurse broach the subject with the family.
Maybe its different elsewhere.
Lots of situations are ambiguous for a period of time or go back and forth because of various things that happened and then resolved.
My father was moved back and forth from ICU to rooms with lower level care 4 times. A few days before he died they were talking about getting him up and walking to get his strength back so he could go home or to rehab.
So you are probably technically correct that they have to sign an order, but they don't usually do that until the family agrees.
I am supposing that the doctor wanted the father to go on hospice but his wife of 64 years (the OP's mother) was hesitant to allow that to be done (or needed more time to accept it) and the one daughter was pressuring her.
When my late husband was at that point the doctor suggested it---even encouraged it-----but it was my actual decision (as his medical power of attorney) to withhold any life saving procedures such as a breathing tube, medications, etc.
I'm sorry you lost your Father & that your family is struggling with the present situation.
It sounds to me like both your Mother and your sister need some get out of the house activities, but not necessarily with each other. They both need see other people.
Tell your sister to take a class..cooking, pottery, anything. If she feels your Mom can't be left alone, have your Mom pay for several days or half days of companion care.
If your Mother is able to go unaccompanied, she should get involved in senior cemter activities...or she can hire someone to accompany her.
I vote no on the driving idea. She needs learn about Uber.
Tell your Mom to hire someone to swing by and clean her suite. Or clean the whole house as gift to sister. Or hire someone to take her on a drive a few times a week (maybe even Uber) or whatever/wherever she physically is up to & would enjoy.
The denial that families go through around the topic and time of death is truly incredible. It can be extremely frustrating to someone who sees things realistically. And yes, the denial can lead to unnecessary suffering, as people refuse to ask for help and pain medication.
It's all water under the bridge. Remember, that was her father suffering in front of her, not just your mother's husband. Let it all go. Focus on moving forward cooperatively. With you mom being 84 and with her own health issues, it's not going to get any easier.
I agree that the notion of getting mom driving again is totally nuts. An 84 year old woman who hasn't driven in a number of years is not safe to drive.
I don't believe my father was suffering. He told me himself many times he wasn't. He gave no indications he was. He was not lying comatose and was in fact lucid for much of the time he was there until the last day or so.
He was getting treatment that he himself asked for and consented to.
I repeatedly asked nurses/drs if they thought he was suffering. They all said no.
And my father did ask for pain meds once or twice. But, if he could have suffered a bit and survived he would have chosen that lol. Of that I am sure.
Every situation is different. My father had come through several other serious things. His best friend survived what he didn't. The main difference being his kidneys were probably in better shape going in.
I'm sorry you lost your Father & that your family is struggling with the present situation.
It sounds to me like both your Mother and your sister need some get out of the house activities, but not necessarily with each other. They both need see other people.
Tell your sister to take a class..cooking, pottery, anything. If she feels your Mom can't be left alone, have your Mom pay for several days or half days of companion care.
If your Mother is able to go unaccompanied, she should get involved in senior cemter activities...or she can hire someone to accompany her.
I vote no on the driving idea. She needs learn about Uber.
Tell your Mom to hire someone to swing by and clean her suite. Or clean the whole house as gift to sister. Or hire someone to take her on a drive a few times a week (maybe even Uber) or whatever/wherever she physically is up to & would enjoy.
Thanks for the kind words.
My sister has a very active social life and goes out or has people into her house frequently. My mother is able to stay by herself.
Its my mom who needs some more activities or social interactions. Working on that. Easier said than done as there do not appear to be a lot of options close by.
Mom has a cleaner. Not getting involved with my sister's cleaning...….she's fired 5 cleaners in 4 years because they couldn't live up to her standards.
I was under the understanding that hospice was contacted by the doctor.
I did call the one a few blocks from us and was told they had to be put on the case by a physician. Is that true?
Before Hospice starts providing services they want to know who will pay and generally that the person has 6 months or left to live.
So if the person is on Medicare, then they do not need to dr referral if the hospice dr can verify life expectancy. The hospice provider can verify the coverage by the persons SSN.
If the person is not elderly and has regular insurance to pay for the hospice care, then they may need a dr referral under their insurance rules to have service.
And some hospices will provide free services, but they are few and far between.
So families can contact the hospice providers. Or the dr can.
When my aunt was terminal with pancreatic cancer I called difference hospice providers. Her area had many to choose from and since she was elderly Medicare covered whoever she choose.
The hospice providers do provide different services. Some provide service in your house, some in their hospice center, some have RNs more readily available, some transport folks for some treatments like wound care, some bring drs to your home for wound care, some use RNs, NPs, etc.
So, if you want to screen the potential providers, call hospice yourself and if you just want to take whatever provider, or you live in an area with only 1 provider, let the dr office call.
Screening was nice for us. We got to hear how they treated us on the phone, how long we were on hold, how responsive they were, their general attitude, etc. Also, some would do general house cleaning like dusting and vacuuming, mopping floors, cooking meals, shopping, others did not.
Oh, and ALL of the hospice folks can look up the Medicare info and use their Hospice DR to do the paperwork, so if they say that you need a referral for a Medicare patient, then you have a bad hospice that you will likely have to push to do their job....IMO
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