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There are so many great send offs - I love these stories!
Note to self - if a pastor doesn't know the person, don't have a pastor speak.
Also, my kids know this - if I don't look good, BETTER NOT HAVE AN OPEN CASKET. And if they do have one for me, I want my lipstick on because I would never go anywhere without it - not even to the afterlife.
The best memorial I ever attended was for a friends father, whom I had never met. He'd been cremated, and 'attended' in an urn. It was an Irish wake.
There was a band. It was outside, and decorated with lights strung through trees. Barbeque. Kegs of beer. A lot of toasts with shots of Jager.
Pictures of the man everywhere. A LOT of stories.
Total blast. At the end I felt like I'd known him my whole life.
I'm not Irish, but that's my idea of a memorial.
My ex-husband used to say he wanted a white porcelain casket. Another One Bites The Dust was to be played on loop. And I was to hand out markers so everyone could sign the casket. We divorced before that ever happened, but I thought it was a blast of an idea.
That sounds like a wonderful memorial. Thanks for sharing!
Regarding the open casket. I had seen so many elderly people, or people who had died after a long illness who looked horrible in the casket because of how thin their faces looked. My husband had lost a significant amount of weight in the months before his death so I was worried that he would look very gaunt and unnatural. We gave the funeral home several photographs, taken a year earlier, before he lost weight, and they were able to make his face look just like he looked in the photographs.
My aunt passed away recently, she was in her 90's. As she has 4 kids, grandkids, and lived in her area for most of her life, a long time member of her local church, everyone knew it'd be a crowd.
After all is said and done I would hope for more understanding for those still living. Like my aunt's brother. He wanted to speak at his sisters funeral and was told no. Only the 4 children are speaking. He had just had a heart attack a month before, he is in his 80's and he was willing to fly down to say goodbye to her. He never got the chance. They finally allowed him a 3 minute slot to speak but he wasn't well enough to travel.
So my thought is be kind to those left behind, especially the elderly. Don't push them out and ignore them.
Another tangle was he waited 2 months for a copy of the program. No one called him to share details. He wanted to be a part and I felt so bad for him.
Just do whatever SHE wants. Personally I want to be cremated as cheaply as possible (eg directly to the crematorium with no stopover at a funeral home) and have the ashes scattered somewhere tropical (but I'll settle or somewhere domestic, pretty, and quiet). And have a wake.
My aunt passed away recently, she was in her 90's. As she has 4 kids, grandkids, and lived in her area for most of her life, a long time member of her local church, everyone knew it'd be a crowd.
After all is said and done I would hope for more understanding for those still living. Like my aunt's brother. He wanted to speak at his sisters funeral and was told no. Only the 4 children are speaking. He had just had a heart attack a month before, he is in his 80's and he was willing to fly down to say goodbye to her. He never got the chance. They finally allowed him a 3 minute slot to speak but he wasn't well enough to travel.
So my thought is be kind to those left behind, especially the elderly. Don't push them out and ignore them.
Another tangle was he waited 2 months for a copy of the program. No one called him to share details. He wanted to be a part and I felt so bad for him.
That is a sad story. Unless there were two or three other siblings who wanted to speak, it seems a little unreasonable that they couldn't have let her sibling speak, too, if he wanted to speak (as long as it was scheduled in advance). And, they should have sent him a program immediately and kept him informed of the details.
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That reminded me of what happened at my MIL's funeral. My MIL had three grandchildren. Several months before she died she asked my son, her grandson, to give her eulogy at her funeral (she did not realize that she would die that soon, she was talking about a funeral in far distance future). After she died, my sister-in-law (her daughter) called my son and asked him to give the eulogy, and said that he would be the only person speaking (except for very, very brief comments from her and her brothers, the children). My son felt so honored and blessed to be selected to give the eulogy and very carefully wrote a very moving tribute to his grandmother.
After he spoke, one of her other relatives (I believe one of her nieces) immediately stood up and literally grabbed the microphone out of his hand and gave some rather lengthy "off the cuff" remarks (apparently thinking that it was an open mike to speak). Then another niece or nephew stood up to say something, and another, and another, and another and other people, too.
It was pretty obvious that none of them had really thought about what they were going to say in advance and just sort of felt obligated to say something. After quite a few people had spoken, her other grandson felt really pressured into speaking, even though, he did not want to do that and ended up just crying and crying and crying in front of everyone (which really embarrassed him - that was why he had not wanted to speak in the first place). I have attended a number of funerals and memorial services with open microphones but for some reason this one was a really mess (maybe because it wasn't designed to be an open mike).
Well, on the one hand, it was nice that her friends and relatives wanted to say something, but there were a few slightly inappropriate stories shared, and a lot of stuttering and stammering and long, pretty pointless anecdotes because no one (except the first grandson) had prepared remarks or really appeared to have thought about what they were going to say.
On the other hand, while it wasn't that huge of a deal, no one had expected this to happen, so no one was prepared to step in and stop it. Her children were not expecting this and were getting more and more emotional. The funeral ran over by a considerable length of time, which effected the after funeral meal, and other things (such as rush hour starting).
And, her grandson, who had felt so honored and proud to have been selected to give the eulogy felt hurt because he, erroneously assumed, that all of those other people had been asked to speak, as well. And, no one remembered the actual eulogy, just the rambling remarks by numerous people.
I guess that my point is that if it is going to be an open mike, with sharing of memories, make it clear at the beginning so people can think about what they are going to say and if there is just going to be a specific person or person giving eulogies make sure that is clear.
It was a pretty awkward situation at this funeral which would have been easily prevented if the funeral director or minister would have simply said "And now Mary Smith's grandson John Smith will say a few words (deliver the eulogy)." and then been prepared to take the microphone when he was done to continue the service.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-21-2018 at 11:15 PM..
Kathryn, I haven't read the entire thread, but maybe it's not even necessary to have a service at all? We did not have one for my mom. Instead, my father had people come over to his house early one evening. There was tons of food from neighbors, and he bought some booze. It was actually pretty cool.
He requested the same kind of thing, and was very specific about NOT having any memorial service. My step mother chose differently, and a full blown, non religious memorial was held. I wish it hadn't been scheduled at all.
Years ago, my oldest friend scheduled a service for his mom. Many of her friends had already passed or lived in other states, and there was no other family except him. The total number of guests was six - and trust me, she was a warm, funny lady, liked by everyone who knew her. But so very few were able to attend.
I wish that one hadn't been scheduled, either. And I think her son was sorry he did it. It was sad to see so few in attendance.
I've attended two small dinners hosted by the family in a restaurant. Grandma's photo was on the table, a small prayer was said, then a toast to her good long life. I liked that a lot.
Me and my DH both want the same thing. It was my idea, and he liked it and asked for the same. Find a nice bar, rent it out for the evening, open bar, and celebrate that we had great lives - and thank the guests for being part of our lives. Yeah, I know people will be 'crying in their beer.'. I hope that they are smiling as they drink the second one.
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PS. I've missed seeing you in the other boards. I know it's been a ling, hard road for you. I hope the comfort of your family and/or faith helps you through these last final steps.
We did not have a funeral for either parent. But two of us lived far away and the planning would have fallen on my brother who lived closer. One brother took both parent's ashes to Alaska and placed in a lovely mausoleum spot. It was enough for us. I have since been back and visited it.
The best part was the fact we all were kind to each other and if one had wanted something different, it would have been fine.
When my mother in law died, we found a poem on top of her box of important papers that said "read this at my funeral." It was a beautiful poem. We had her two grown granddaughters read it at the service. Then we had the two grown grandsons read two love letters that their late grandpa had written her, very sweet and funny. Brought back tons of memories of his personality too. Everyone was in tears.
For my dad, we had a nice visitation at the funeral home, but a very short, non-religious service at the grave site because my brother is such an adamant atheist. Dad wasn't and I probably should've fought a little harder.
Mom and Dad had a pre-paid. When Dad died, there was a viewing at the funeral home, then the funeral at the only church that could schedule one. His retired preacher friend presided and told some very funny stories about Dad. His musician friends played songs Dad had picked out, each one with the word "love" in the title. That was his way of telling Mom and us kids how much he loved us all. Then we had the military and Mason rites at the cemetery, and then the little church across the road hosted a big meal. It was all very nice.
That was over 14 years ago. Mom, 93, now lives over 500 miles from there, and most of her friends have either died or are in such poor health that I doubt they could attend. Lots of family still there, so whatever we do will be well attended. I'll have to ask her what the pre-paid fully covers, and what services she wants, so we'll know what to do. We do know it will all be back there, where she lived for over 70 years. We'll have a little memorial at her retirement community for her friends here. Thankfully, she's in very good health and her mind is still sharp, so unless something drastic happens, she could live as long as her grandmothers (99 and 100).
At my uncle's funeral last year, the preacher knew him well and told some nice stories. Then he invited family and friends to speak. When none of his kids or grandkids got up, I stood up and told several funny stories that were so indicative of my uncle's love for children. He was most alive and happiest when taking care of his kids, grandkids, great-grandkids, nieces and nephews, or neighbors' kids. It was family tradition that the first person to hold a newborn, after baby's parents, was Uncle Pete. He was amazing. After the graveside ceremonies, his kids hosted a catered barbecue at the family home.
One of our writers' group members lost the love of his life last fall. We'd never met her, but came to the celebration of life at their home. Her family and he spoke lovingly and humorously of her, and by the time they were through, I felt as if I'd known her all my life. Friends provided all the food, her favorite music played, and it was just a very pleasant experience.
Spousal Unit and I have purchased plans from The Neptune Society. When one of us dies, we need only call Neptune. They'll pick up the body, cremate it, put it in the urns we already have sitting on a shelf, scatter the ashes at sea, and post an online obituary (which I've already written, in as humorous a manner as possible).
We don't want funerals, not being affiliated with any churches. In my written instructions to the executor of my will, I state flat out that no estate funds will be expended for a funeral. Funds not exceeding a certain amount can go toward a wake -- I'd rather my family and friends get raucous and have a good ol' time.
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