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Sounds like this will get resolved when he has his doctor visit. I can't imagine they'll release him to go home alone unless the doctor isn't made aware of his living arrangement. For the record, everyone refuses to go to a home when it's first mentioned. Be strong. This will pass but it's going to be unpleasant for a while.
Sounds like this will get resolved when he has his doctor visit. I can't imagine they'll release him to go home alone unless the doctor isn't made aware of his living arrangement. For the record, everyone refuses to go to a home when it's first mentioned. Be strong. This will pass but it's going to be unpleasant for a while.
Its been unpleasant for 20 years, the last 5 particularly since MIL passed.
At least while she was alive, he had a purpose. I think anyway.
But once she died hes gotten worse. He knows his memory is failing, but not to the degree it has.
He'll ask the same question 12 times in the course of a half hour.
He forgets where hes at, needs gps to find the bank at the end of his street. He still insists on driving. That should all change Monday when we see his doctor.
Sounds like this will get resolved when he has his doctor visit. I can't imagine they'll release him to go home alone unless the doctor isn't made aware of his living arrangement. For the record, everyone refuses to go to a home when it's first mentioned. Be strong. This will pass but it's going to be unpleasant for a while.
Its been really unpleasant for the last 5 years.
And yes his doctor will resolve the issues.
He will put up a stern fight. He already has been.
He'll need to be in a locked ward.
The doctor made house calls for MIL so knows the situation and house.
It sounds as though he has assets he could use to hire a live-in caregiver. You can tell him (or have the dr tell him) that it's either that or moving to assisted living or skilled nursing. I'm unclear whether he's still in the hospital, but if they do things right, they will only discharge him if he has a support system in place. You could tell him that he will have to go "to rehab" for a while, when "a while" is the foreseeable future. No easy answers here (I'm in a similar, though not so dire situation myself) but as others have noted, you deserve to live your life for you.
I am glad you are going to the doctor with him! My mom's first dementia symptom was asking the same question over and over. And you know, she started doing that 15 years ago!! She has definitely been impacted by this disease for a remarkably long time.
It does not sound to me like he should be driving and it does not sound like he should be living at home.
so glad you are going with him to the doctor, this is a very hard time for all of you, and most of all for him.
I took him to the hospital last Thursday morning for a slight fall he had at home. He was released friday night.
His doctor said we could squeeze him in today ( monday), but tomorrow at 11:20 and into lunch would be better.
So its now tomorrow.
This morning my OH went over there because he lost hos wallet again ( 3rd time in 3 months) fortunately it was at home like the first time. The second time he had to go to DMV to get a replacement license.
This morning he argued over tye doctor appt tomorrow...my OH said it was because he was in the hospital. He DOES NOT remember being in the hospital for 2 days!!!!
When my OH said "WE" were taking him, he asked why i had to go. My OH said "cause hes on your health care proxy as your legal son in law". He argued that and said hes removing me from any medical paperwork because " (i) dont belong on there". And to him i dont exist.
I said fine except for tomorrow amd getting him into a home, I'm DONE doing ANYTHING FOR him anymore.
Im DONE.
He'S got all his precious money to take care of him in a home now.
Im finished with him and will only help my OH see to it hes put in a home.
He has always been verbally abusive, but its now to the extreme. I dont need to put with his crap amy longer if "i dont exist" to him any longer.
I dont care if he knows what hes doing or not. Ive had it and ive had it dealing with my OH s anger at him taken out on me.
He played cat and mouse over getting to his drs appt. But the dr office called us to alert us, and so we went and met him there.
We also called and According to adult Protective services, of course by law he can refuse any and all services.
So they advised us to stop coddling him, stop enabling him and to cut him off completely. We can notify DMV that he is unsafe to drive and DMV will handle it.
She said it will be hard to cut him off from his DAILY phone calls, we said right now, no,, it wont be, as weve had it.
We met him at his drs office, but he declared to the nurse " i dont want them in here" so we left. But not before we heard him tell the nurse " i dont remember beibg in the hospital "!!!
That was the absolute last straw.
Adult Protective said hell have to go directly from the hospital to the psych ward as the geberal physician cant direct admit anymore, stupidest thing they ever did.
When it comes time for discharge from the hospital, tell the hospital ( she used the word threaten) its an UNSAFE DISCHARGE to send him home alone as he cant take care of himself and the house, and is a danger to himself. Then he will have to be remanded to the psych ward for eval.
So, now he's totally on his own.
We wont answer his phone calls, we wont let him in if he shows up here. Hes cut off. Unfortunately while he doesnt remember our number, hes got it programmed into his phone. He has two phones, one computer voip, and a regular. The regular costs him 10 cents a call so he calls out on the computer phone, which is preprogrammed for our number. He likes all incoming calls on the regular line which are free to him.
Hes already cried wolf too many times on the phone anyway. So its easy to ignore.
This was my folks. the days of being at home for him should be over. It's horrible--so painful, but there is no way he is safe at home. You can say you will do your best to help him die at home where he wants to be, but that's not really something you can promise. You can't deliver. It's not safe. You are just waiting for the next fall to start the whole mess over. It's not fair to him.
It was the one of the worst days of my life, driving away from my mother in the rehab after she was taken to the hospital at 90 out of her home, knowing she would never get to be home. But that's life. Taking her home would be signing her death warrant. She could no longer care for herself, and that ship of "we want to die at home, peacefully in our sleep," has unfortunately sailed.
Wow, you hit the nail on the head!!!!! It's such a sad dilemma.
I bolded the part above because I want to add something. Not only is it not fair to them, it's not fair to everyone.
Now that my mom has passed away, we have lost all four of our elderly parents in the last four years. And it has been AWFUL. Just awful I tell you. And I think in spite of my attempts at healthy living and all that, the stress has taken a toll on both of us health wise. But just last night, my husband and I were talking about how our golden years haven't been very golden so far. Actually - we've had at least five years of elder care drama in a row - I am 57 and he is 61. For awhile, his blood pressure was off the charts, and I was afraid I was going to lose him on top of everything and everyone else! But all that has stabilized, and now if I can just get past this stupid cataract surgery, I think I am home free too. So we were both saying "It's time for us to have some fun." And we meant it. TIME FOR FUN. Because elder care is NOT FUN.
The thing I hate the most - THE MOST MOST MOST MOST MOST - other than the sadness of watching them lose their independence and personalities of course - is the fact that we are forced to live in reactive mode, which is a terrible way to live. Literally waiting for the other shoe to drop, that call from the ER, from the memory care center, from hospice. In limbo till the next emergency. Wow, it really takes a toll on the emotions, on relationships, on health, you name it. And the sad thing is, I truly don't think they can see how their determination to "live independently" (which is often a really poor phrase to use) affects others. They often seem oblivious to the strain they are causing the people who love them the most.
God, I hope and pray I am not ever like that. But I might be. It's just awful.
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