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Question for everyone (this is obviously a hypothetical)
Let's say your father has dementia similar to the man in the article. Has a history of saying things that don't add up. Then he says this thing about the affair. Your mother shows no signs of knowing anything about this and they appeared to have a happy marriage
You're the adult child. You are way more computer savvy than your mother. You decide to poke around on your dad's computer one day when she isn't home, and poof, you find the file with the journal/memoir in it.
What do you do with it? Do you tell your mother? Do you delete it? Something else?
I’d probably not say anything, send it to myself and then delete it. There is a complicating factor though in that the mother still considers “Karen” a close friend. Not sure I could let mom continue to be friends with her not knowing.
In this case though mom was the one there when he inadvertently confessed, which led to mom wanting to know the truth.
Fascinating story. I felt bad for Sarah, finding out her father wasn't what she perceived him to be. No child wants to find out, especially in written word, that their parent was less than honorable. If I've learned one thing (from having a parent with dementia), the disease opens up long hidden secrets or, in some cases, creates fantasies that were never real. In this case, there's no doubt the author's father did these things. What a shame he chronicled them, though.
As she stated in the article, He lived a double life, with zero standards of his own. Going forward, this poor woman will have to learn how to re-evaluate everything she believed about him. I hope she comes to realize her life can (and may already) be great, even if the unconditional love she yearned for didn't come. Parent and adult child relationships can (and often are) so very complicated.
Question for everyone (this is obviously a hypothetical)
Let's say your father has dementia similar to the man in the article. Has a history of saying things that don't add up. Then he says this thing about the affair. Your mother shows no signs of knowing anything about this and they appeared to have a happy marriage
You're the adult child. You are way more computer savvy than your mother. You decide to poke around on your dad's computer one day when she isn't home, and poof, you find the file with the journal/memoir in it.
What do you do with it? Do you tell your mother? Do you delete it? Something else?
Me personally? I would share the info with my husband and my brother, and I'd ask my brother if he thought we should share it with Mom. But I would lean toward not sharing it with her at all if she didn't seem in any danger or didn't seem to have ever been harmed by it.
Now, if during the estate settlement, something came up that affected her, that I knew she'd HAVE to know, I'd share it with her of course. But outside of that, I don't see the point.
From the article I think people should consider the idea that this man who supposedly fell in love with this girl glimpsed at a fancy, wealthy house who came from money
And he did not
Part of his anger might have derived from being the less wealthy although someone he thought was more WORTHY---than his wife who apparently had a fairly busy romantic life before they met and who seems more like someone w/o a goal or life skill--
He was a reporter after all...and seemed to be a reputable one...
The idea that they did lot of travel, had nannies to watch the children early on indicates a good bit of money
It is certainly possible that he married her because of the lure of her wealth and didn't want to give it up if she found out he was promiscuous --one reason to keep everything on the down-low...
I think the person who wrote the article about her father--thinks she understands him
But I imagine if she spoke with people who were part of the "other life", people they normally would have no contact with she might find that her father was a very dangerous, cruel man who ridiculed his family...even more of a disappointment than finding out about his sex life
And the mom's friend is no friend--
Anyone who would have an affair with someone's husband that lasted years is no friend...
She deserves to have her deceit unmasked---why owe her any loyalty after she had none herself...
Oh if I was the daughter, I'd confront the "friend" and tell her I knew everything and if she caused any trouble at all, I'd spill the beans to Mom. But I don't know that I'd tell Mom unless she was literally in danger or her estate was threatened somehow.
That being said, if Mom started feeling all guilty about hiring help for Dad or whatever, I'd have to say, "Oh come on, Mom - you and I both know that Dad was a jerk. Hire the help. Place him in a home. Do whatever you need to do - no condemnation from me, that's for sure."
Me personally? I would share the info with my husband and my brother, and I'd ask my brother if he thought we should share it with Mom. But I would lean toward not sharing it with her at all if she didn't seem in any danger or didn't seem to have ever been harmed by it.
Now, if during the estate settlement, something came up that affected her, that I knew she'd HAVE to know, I'd share it with her of course. But outside of that, I don't see the point.
The point to me is that 1--the man is still alive and in a situation where he can't care for himself
2--his wife--who thought he LOVED her even if he was emotionally walled-off apparently--is the primary care giver
3--she has reason to believe this man has lied to her sexually and emotionally throughout their marriage
4--why should she go through any more "devotion" to him at this point when she might have a viable future
It sounds like the dementia came early to this man--maybe his wife doesn't want to spend the next 10-20 yrs of her life taking care of someone who took advantage of her for decades...
I certainly wouldn't
Likely there is enough money to put him in a decent care home and leave him to the staff
I think he is too narcissistic to have made real friends and he has voided any affection from his kids though his behavior and lying...
Why should they be bound by some ephemeral "love" that he certainly never committed to???
Their entire relationship has been a lie
To ignore that is to empower the lie...
Did anyone see the movie with Charlotte Rampling and Tom Courtney movie "45 Years". About a woman who realized near her anniversary of 45 yrs that her husband had lied to her all during their marriage, had concealed his first marriage/wife, and strongly suspected he had murdered that wife out of jealousy...
It is an awesom movie--
If you haven't seen it seek it out on Netflix or is available to rent on Amazon or YouTube or Vudu/others
Both actors are just so great and so intelligent--the story line develops slowly so you have to be patient
It is almost like a murder mystery --very nuanced and clinical to some degree
And I would love to discuss the ending with anyone who has watched it
But the OP is in a similar situation
What she THOUGHT was her life she has discovered was a chimera
Oh if I was the daughter, I'd confront the "friend" and tell her I knew everything and if she caused any trouble at all, I'd spill the beans to Mom. But I don't know that I'd tell Mom unless she was literally in danger or her estate was threatened somehow.
That being said, if Mom started feeling all guilty about hiring help for Dad or whatever, I'd have to say, "Oh come on, Mom - you and I both know that Dad was a jerk. Hire the help. Place him in a home. Do whatever you need to do - no condemnation from me, that's for sure."
Good plan. The only thing I'd do differently is block this so-called friend from my social media account. I think I read that in the article that this woman was a friend on Facebook. Maybe I'm wrong but no matter. I wouldn't feel any need to communicate with her. She's insignificant but a "block user" on the old social media account sends a pretty clear message. And let the other woman sit and wonder about it for the rest of her life. (I know. I'm so passive aggressive in an evil sort of way)
Like you, I'd do what I promised. Hire a caregiver, place him where he's cared for or do whatever they planned on doing. His quality of life is gone and there will be fewer and fewer lucid moments. The wife doesn't even have to visit him unless she wants to. I suspect he loved her but in a twisted sort of way due to his enormous ego and she was duped into thinking she was the only woman in his life. Most of us women think that, unfortunately. Anyway, I hope the daughter and the mother don't let his lack of morals keep them from enjoying the rest of their lives.
I agree with you, and I also wondered why the author chose to write this. I think it was what you said here:
"It seems like the sole purpose of this piece was for the author to punish him and make herself feel better."
I also think that in speaking to someone with Alzheimers, the rules are different than how you would speak to someone without Alzheimers, even a spouse.
I hope that someone else is providing his care, and not his injured wife or daughter.
Agree, Alzheimers wasnt motivation. Speaking her truth directly wasnt an option but had to be cathartic. I hope she's able to heal from the abuse, I don't think her mother was in the dark. Women who've lived with abusive marriages for this length of time learned what not to confront and ways of diffusing anger.
Obviously they dont have it in them to follow through on abandoning care even if it crossed their minds. They're much better ppl than he deserves.
One thing he didn't do - he didn't abandon his family. No matter how bad things were, it would possibly have been worse for the kids if he'd abandoned the family.
That being said, I think that daughter should share the "memoir" with mom and the siblings. How would daughter feel if mom knew that daughter's husband had done something like this, and mom chose to "protect" her from it. This man could require another decade of care. Mom may want to plan accordingly. Transfer money to kids. Spend. Maybe divorce him. Plan for him to end his days in the cheapest nursing home she can find, rather than sacrifice the rest of her life caring for a man who doesn't deserve a thing from her. It's too bad that financially, she would have to impoverish herself to avoid paying for his end of life care.
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