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So a little history...sorry I hate long posts...but it's impossible to understand without the background..
My mother (nearly 88) had back surgery in 2015 that went wonky and landed her in hospital and rehab for 6 months. Eventually she was capable of walking again, but she'll never be back to where she was before the surgery. She has had caregivers, but is now down to just one, just 2 days a week. She fell and broke her leg (fracture) in January, but has pretty much recovered from that. I had to scramble and get care for her during that period, but she is going to PT and that has helped her walking. She refuses to use a cane or other aid as she honestly is not coordinated, and she has neuropathy really bad in her feet and she says that the cane "gets in her way". I've told her that PT will teach her how to use the cane but so far she won't even try that. Oh, she also has a pacemaker that was put in about 2 years ago.
About 3 months after her surgery, my dad (92) started having issues with eating. He has had heart issues, (1 heart attack and 2 bypass procedures) and is on several meds. He has always been obsessed with weight , (and loves to look at women, to the point of embarrassing my mom - yes still, at 92) and frequently berates my mother for her weight (she lost a lot in the year she was laid up, but has since gained most of it back - she is about 195 pounds, 5'5"). She loves to eat, I am on her about it occasionally but she's a stubborn willful woman that does exactly what she wants. My dad weighed 165 pounds all his life until the last few years, and now he is down to under 140 (he is 6'1"). He says he cannot eat, that he has no appetite, that he just cannot get it down. He has been in the hospital several times, and tested for every possible thing in the world and they can find no reason that he would not be able to eat. (He thinks that there is definitely something that the drs have missed. ) I believe one dr. actually diagnosed him with anorexia last year. He was in the hospital last week (drove himself there at 3am Monday morning) because he was having "headaches" and "stomach pain". He has had pains and discomfort like this for some time, but the headaches are something more recent. We have told him over and over again that he has to eat...but no one can get through to him. He WILL eat when he is out with others...some. But he will no longer eat any food at home, nothing my mom cooks, occasionally will eat a pizza that they order. He is a VERY stubborn man, and I cannot begin to tell you all the nonsense and troubles that I have been through with this man...let's just say that he is a very strange old man. It sound terrible to say, but I think he is a perfect example of someone that has lived too long. He is miserable, 99% of the time.
They both sometimes argue to the point of where dad leaves...just to get away from her. They drive me and my sibs absolutely nuts. I am the only one that lives here, my bro and sis are states apart. I am about 35 min from their house. I go there about once a week, unless things are going on and I have to be there.
Oh, and they are BOTH on dialysis, 3 days a week. They go together. They both still drive, but my dad's license expires in Sept and I know they will not renew it (if he is still living) - and though that will drive him crazy, that is a good thing. (He drives like a maniac - neither me nor my sis will go in the car with him driving).
So after he was in the hospital last week, they basically did MRI, CAT scan, stress test...found nothing, and released him. I took him home, and then went back the next day with my BF to get his car and bring it back to their home. He was so freaking weak that Sunday morning, I honestly would not have given him a week to live. He looked worse than I have ever seen him, in my life.
That night, my mom called me and said he was asking for an ambien to sleep and she was afraid to give him one in case he had to get up in the night and might fall. He was moaning and groaning in pain and discomfort, and I could hear him in the background. I told her to give him a half. She wound up giving him none and he made it to sleep, but only after he came into her room before bed, and telling her he wanted to call 911 because he "did not want to die alone". He has said this many times...he wants to die, says he has nothing to live for. Next day at dialysis they took him off early and said that he was too weak and should be in the hospital. My mom called me at work and said she thought his time was near. She was at her wits end as to what to do with him.
I texted my sibs, and my sis came down that night and is here this week.
We just found out that dad has visited some "male performance" place, and paid them $100. I have no idea what this place does, but my father has always been "inappropriate" regarding other women and recently I guess his inability to have "relations" is driving him crazy. (Okay, more crazy.) My mom (and HATE her discussing this crap with me - HATE IT) says that he has tried for years but can't do anything and she doesn't care anyway.
So...TODAY, we find out that he has cashed out a CD and put it into his checking account (oh - I forgot to mention that they are running out of money and we have had to take out an equity loan on the house) and that is what he is going to use to pay these people for their "treatments".
NOW for the question. HOW DO WE STOP THIS???? These people CANNOT successfully treat him. He is 92 years old. They will take him for everything he is worth. He has NO sense of what is a scam (we have had to cancel many purchases he has made from some stupid tv ad - happens ALL the time) and who is trying to pull one over on him. We called my brother and he said we need to go out there and talk to these people and tell them....well, we aren't sure. Is there some sort of senior protection agency that will prevent such people from abusing elderly and taking their money??? My mom is completely functional, mentally and handles the money, but obviously dad still has full access to funds. If we were to disable that, he would probably shoot her. And I am not kidding about that.
Suggestions?
Last edited by ChessieMom; 04-19-2019 at 10:45 AM..
I am sorry that you and your mom are dealing with this. I don't have specific answers. I live in Texas and there are Adult Protection Services https://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adult_Protection/. There may be something similar in your city/state. Even if they can't intervene they should be able to tell you what you can do to protect your mom and dad.
Hang in there. Being an adult child of a deteriorating parent is a tough job!
One immediate thought comes to mind to protect Mom financially --- open a new bank account in her name and yours. If she receives a Social Security payment, have it redirected to this new account.
If the account is opened at the same bank where her current account is, the two accounts can be linked. She will be able to transfer funds between the accounts. This will help prevent Dad from wiping her out financially. Set up the account quietly, if possible. Use your address as the address of record for the account. (Actually, having such a joint account with Mom could prove to be useful in the years to come as she ages/declines.)
Sounds like Dad is malnourished and, probably, dehydrated. One's brain does not function properly without food and hydration. People in this state exhibit weird and unusual thinking, to say the least.
Do a BBB check on this place. Also see if the place has bad references. Find out about and see if you can get it shut down for fraud.
You could visit it yourself, and see what you think. It would not hurt to ask them to refund your dad's $100. If they won't then you could call the local TV station that runs stories about businesses that defraud seniors. You could even mention that you are inclined to to that, in order to have some leverage.
Tell your dad that he cannot go there, and he is spending money he does not have on something that cannot change. It sounds to me as if your dad has cognitive decline, or in other words, he uses bad judgement.
You can also simply disable his car. Then he won't be able to drive. You have said he is not a safe driver. So, do your town a favor, and get him off the road. Disable the car, or confiscate his keys.
Your parents need full time caregivers. Honestly. You will have a hard time managing their affairs the way things are arranged now. They are one misststep away from disaster now.
One immediate thought comes to mind to protect Mom financially --- open a new bank account in her name and yours. If she receives a Social Security payment, have it redirected to this new account.
If the account is opened at the same bank where her current account is, the two accounts can be linked. She will be able to transfer funds between the accounts. This will help prevent Dad from wiping her out financially. Set up the account quietly, if possible. Use your address as the address of record for the account. (Actually, having such a joint account with Mom could prove to be useful in the years to come as she ages/declines.)
Sounds like Dad is malnourished and, probably, dehydrated. One's brain does not function properly without food and hydration. People in this state exhibit weird and unusual thinking, to say the least.
I feel for you. This is certainly a challenge.
Thanks. A separate account might be something we need to do. Although he will freak out when he finds out. I don't know...it is such an depressing situation. He is just so "off", but it is not evident to others, just to the immediate family. Dad has been eating (or not eating) like this for a couple of years now...and certainly he is not eating enough to keep his strength up. But he is not dehydrated - remember they are on dialysis. He has to be careful not to drink too many fluids. The hospital docs said he had way too much fluid last week and took off a lot in dialysis (when they are in the hospital, they get dialysis there).
Do a BBB check on this place. Also see if the place has bad references. Find out about and see if you can get it shut down for fraud.
You could visit it yourself, and see what you think. It would not hurt to ask them to refund your dad's $100. If they won't then you could call the local TV station that runs stories about businesses that defraud seniors. You could even mention that you are inclined to to that, in order to have some leverage.
Tell your dad that he cannot go there, and he is spending money he does not have on something that cannot change. It sounds to me as if your dad has cognitive decline, or in other words, he uses bad judgement.
You can also simply disable his car. Then he won't be able to drive. You have said he is not a safe driver. So, do your town a favor, and get him off the road. Disable the car, or confiscate his keys.
Your parents need full time caregivers. Honestly. You will have a hard time managing their affairs the way things are arranged now. They are one misststep away from disaster now.
We went there today. It took about 20 minutes, but finally the manager spoke to us. He basically said come back with guardianship papers and then we can talk. We told him that our father is infirm, not of sound mind, and financially unable to commit funds to some obscure treatment. We also told him that we have alerted senior services agencies and our parents lawyer (we have not but we intend to) and that this was a courtesy visit to give them the chance to do the right thing.
If he goes there again, there is no doubt in my mind that they will gladly take his money.
I agree that they need full-time caregivers. I've been saying this for over a year now to my sibs - they just don't see this stuff go on, and they don't get the phone calls. And honestly, I am just burnt out on them. I swear my mom is one fall away from being bed-ridden. They did have full-time care for a time, but they let go most of the care due to the cost. Yes, he has had bad judgement for many years...but now it is going over a cliff.
Last edited by ChessieMom; 04-19-2019 at 09:13 PM..
I'd contact their lawyer first. Take your mom and tell the lawyer everything. Sounds like you need to be POA to help your mom ... and she does need help bad. He's a weak 92 year old the most he can do is yell. Hide his guns if he has them. This is a bad situation all around I really feel for you.
I'd contact their lawyer first. Take your mom and tell the lawyer everything. Sounds like you need to be POA to help your mom ... and she does need help bad. He's a weak 92 year old the most he can do is yell. Hide his guns if he has them. This is a bad situation all around I really feel for you.
We already have POA - all three of us. Did that 3.5 years ago when they put the house in our names. To be honest I did not want that but mom and dad did and sibs thought it was the right thing to do. This was done a few months before her back surgery, in case things went south. And south they did go...but fortunately their insurance picked up most of that tab. Still, they had to pay a sizable chunk to the rehab facility. The HELOC we are getting is in our names - me, brother and sister. They will need that money to pay for care...as their money is running out.
Yup he has guns. I think he still carries one in the damn car, but I'm not certain. He has one in the garage that he FOUND in the back yard (we still can't figure that one out). It had some nasty bullets in it and I took them out. He noticed it a few days later, and decided that he must have taken them and and misplaced them. He reloaded the gun too. At least it is locked up now (it was not before). I wanted to take it to the police but I was afraid that he would know that our mom told me about it and he would take it out on her (he can be so verbally abusive...he's just a miserable man).
I think you’re going to have to go to court to have him declared mentally incompetent. I’m sorry you are going through this. Meanwhile take a long vacation and have all calls sent to your siblings so they can see what you see.
I would call DMV and tell them he needs his license pulled. He could kill someone. Then they'll need caregivers to take them to dialysis. But that would also keep him from driving to the male enhancement ripoff place.
Use POA to spend funds to see eldercare attorney. I think the suggestion was good to set up another account to secure your mother's finances. But the attorney might want to set up a trust for their monies. Since you have POA you should be able to do that.
I would ask your mother if she wants to live with him. Verbal abuse is abuse.
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) I believe one dr. actually diagnosed him with anorexia last year. He was in the hospital last week (drove himself there at 3am Monday morning) because he was having "headaches" and "stomach pain". He has had pains and discomfort like this for some time, but the headaches are something more recent. We have told him over and over again that he has to eat...but no one can get through to him. He WILL eat when he is out with others...some. But he will no longer eat any food at home, nothing my mom cooks, occasionally will eat a pizza that they order. He is a VERY stubborn man, and I cannot begin to tell you all the nonsense and troubles that I have been through with this man...let's just say that he is a very strange old man. It sound terrible to say, but I think he is a perfect example of someone that has lived too long. He is miserable, 99% of the time.
