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That is an excellent point. When my mother's mother was elderly and needed help, she had six adult children (plus spouses), and numerous teen and adult grandchildren, who lived within 15 minutes of each other who could share responsibilities.
When my mother became disabled, her husband was her primary caregiver, and she had three children living three hours away by car (and a fourth child living six hours away).
If something happens to me, my son lives 2,000 miles away from me and my daughter lives on another continent 4,000 miles away in the opposite direction. While they have been extremely helpful during emergency situations (like my stage IV cancer and my late husband's dementia/traumatic brain injury) but long term caregiving certainly is not reasonable or expected of them.
My grandmother had 15 plus close relatives who shared caregiving responsibilities (all living within 15 minutes of each other) and I have only two children whose careers are thousands of miles away from my long time home.
RIGHT.
When my grandmother was dying of cancer, my dad (an only child) had me, one of my brothers, his wife, hospice, neighbors, etc ALL helping pretty much around the clock. My brother and I took her to most of her appointments. (We were grown.) My mom did the cooking and cleaning and helped her eat one meal a day (my brother or I helped with the other meal and that was all she wanted). Hospice and other home healthcare folks administered her meds, bathed her, got her dressed, etc. My dad had built a home with a big wing on it for her to live in - her own bathroom, bedroom, etc.
And this was only for about three months too. Not three years or longer.
I have a dim, very early memory if visiting a great grandmother who, I believe was being cared for by my mother’s aunt. I remember an old lady who was sitting up in bed.
But two of my grandparents were placed in rest homes before they died. I know I visited both, although I have only a faint memory of one visit to one grandparent.
People did not always do home care of their parents. I really can’t imagine my mother doing that, frankly. It would have been a disaster. But my mother did have my grandmother in her house for two or so years before she had an amputation that put her into a nursing home. My mother resented her, as long as she lived with her, but visited her faithfully when she had to go to the nursing home.
I think my mother would have gone mad if she had had to act as a direct caregiver. And none of her daughters were lined up to do her caregiving 20 years later, either.
I think if I have to enter an ALF or nursing home I’ll cry my eyes out, but if I have to I’ll do it. I cannot ask my kids to be my direct caregivers.
So, I took both my parents into my home. I'm only posting this because the early replies seemed to suggest not that many people knew folks who had done that. Granted you don't know me either, though I have posted here on and off for the better part of a decade.
I wasn't going to post, because the original question is about elderly taking care of elderly, and I was in my latter 30s when I moved my late 70s/early80s parents in with me. So I at least was not elderly.
I provided hands on care to them around my full time work, as did my husband - though my husband provided less hygiene assistance unless there was an emergency.
We had an aide that assisted when we were both at work.
Mom lasted 4 years with us (passed in '12); with Dad passing in April of this year.
For us, it was the only appropriate solution. The care they received in institutions was substandard, and I fundamentally believe the only reason my father lived to 91 was because we championed his care continuously - even so; eventually things caught up and we couldn't get him past his last dilemma. (we had hospice, he died at home with us after about 3 weeks of decline).
That said, because it was right for us, and more specifically *for me* - doesn't mean I would ever say it is the only choice or the right choice holistically. I would certainly never suggest someone was negligent for not providing hands on care or moving their parent in with them.
But we did it - it worked well, then they died, and now life (a different kind) goes on.
So, I took both my parents into my home. I'm only posting this because the early replies seemed to suggest not that many people knew folks who had done that. Granted you don't know me either, though I have posted here on and off for the better part of a decade.
I wasn't going to post, because the original question is about elderly taking care of elderly, and I was in my latter 30s when I moved my late 70s/early80s parents in with me. So I at least was not elderly.
I provided hands on care to them around my full time work, as did my husband - though my husband provided less hygiene assistance unless there was an emergency.
We had an aide that assisted when we were both at work.
Mom lasted 4 years with us (passed in '12); with Dad passing in April of this year.
For us, it was the only appropriate solution. The care they received in institutions was substandard, and I fundamentally believe the only reason my father lived to 91 was because we championed his care continuously - even so; eventually things caught up and we couldn't get him past his last dilemma. (we had hospice, he died at home with us after about 3 weeks of decline).
That said, because it was right for us, and more specifically *for me* - doesn't mean I would ever say it is the only choice or the right choice holistically. I would certainly never suggest someone was negligent for not providing hands on care or moving their parent in with them.
But we did it - it worked well, then they died, and now life (a different kind) goes on.
Thanks for sharing your story and I'm glad it worked out well for you and your family and that you were able physically, emotionally, and financially to handle the situation. It sounds like things were hard but not impossible and it also sounds like your parents were reasonable and grateful and cooperative. I mean, I am sure everyone had their "moments" but overall it sounds like it was a workable solution.
Did you and your husband work different shifts? It sounds like you worked similar hours and that you had to pay for an aide to be there when you weren't there.
I hope you can correct me because I'm a little hypersensitive to this sort of verbiage right now since my brother has Stage 4 pancreatic cancer and his wife keeps saying "DON'T GIVE UP, KEEP FIGHTING!" and he's called me literally crying because he is tired of fighting, but when you said, "we couldn't get him past his last dilemma" it reminded me of begging my sister in law, who I love and do not want to argue with, to tell my brother that it is OK to let go - that it's not a failure, that it doesn't mean he's weak or didn't fight hard enough or whatever. And she just keeps saying "But he's only 54." And when I say, "But he's suffering so much and all the doctors have told you that they can't treat this cancer any longer, and the human death rate is 100 percent," there is just a long silence on her end. She sees death as something we are bound to fight and when we die, we lose the battle. I just don't see it that way but like I said, I am sort of hypersensitive to that sort of thing right now.
I really like what you said about how you feel about choices and that while you feel good about your choice, you know it's not the only right choice. Every situation is so different.
It sounds like yours was very challenging and I commend you for doing your best for your parents!
I'm a male and at age 50, I moved from another state back to my hometown to take care of my parents. No, at the time they didn't need care 24/7, but were getting to the point where they would before too much longer.
Now, it's 11 years later and I'm now 61. My dad passed away 3 1/2 years ago after lasting 9 months in a memory care unit. He had Parkinson's and lewy body dementia.
Mom is now 88 and living here in her own home, where I live and am her primary caretaker. (I just returned on Wednesday from 2 weeks away on a trip of my own. My sister stayed with mom during that time and now understands exactly the things I face on a daily basis. To say she was happy to see me walk in the door when I got home would be an understatement!) And my situation isn't even as stressful as many who post here. Mom's personality hasn't changed and everyone always loved her. She's just older and more isolated now and can't get out and go to church or shopping or the activities she once enjoyed.
I'm not sure how different things would be if I had been married and had children of my own. But, being single I didn't have all of those "responsibilities" to tie me down or give me a good reason (excuse?) not to help out when the time came.
My primary concern as a caregiver is I'm isolated. A trip for groceries can be like a "vacation" for me! So the result is that my own life is basically "on hold". All that can do or focus on is taking care of mom and making sure she is comfortable and happy. And if she were in a nursing facility, I don't think she would be as comfortable and happy or have as good of a quality of life as she does at home.
So it's a choice. Not everyone will be able to be a caregiver for an older parent. You just learn to take things day by day and do the best you can. You will make mistakes, but can't dwell on it because you have someone depending on you.
I'm a male and at age 50, I moved from another state back to my hometown to take care of my parents. No, at the time they didn't need care 24/7, but were getting to the point where they would before too much longer.
Now, it's 11 years later and I'm now 61. My dad passed away 3 1/2 years ago after lasting 9 months in a memory care unit. He had Parkinson's and lewy body dementia.
Mom is now 88 and living here in her own home, where I live and am her primary caretaker. (I just returned on Wednesday from 2 weeks away on a trip of my own. My sister stayed with mom during that time and now understands exactly the things I face on a daily basis. To say she was happy to see me walk in the door when I got home would be an understatement!) And my situation isn't even as stressful as many who post here. Mom's personality hasn't changed and everyone always loved her. She's just older and more isolated now and can't get out and go to church or shopping or the activities she once enjoyed.
I'm not sure how different things would be if I had been married and had children of my own. But, being single I didn't have all of those "responsibilities" to tie me down or give me a good reason (excuse?) not to help out when the time came.
My primary concern as a caregiver is I'm isolated. A trip for groceries can be like a "vacation" for me! So the result is that my own life is basically "on hold". All that can do or focus on is taking care of mom and making sure she is comfortable and happy. And if she were in a nursing facility, I don't think she would be as comfortable and happy or have as good of a quality of life as she does at home.
So it's a choice. Not everyone will be able to be a caregiver for an older parent. You just learn to take things day by day and do the best you can. You will make mistakes, but can't dwell on it because you have someone depending on you.
This is an excellent post. Thank you.
I always had an open door for my dad to come live with us if something happened to Mom. Dad was pleasant and kind hearted and he didn't have dementia, let alone progressive and debilitating dementia.
But Mom was mentally ill and had vascular dementia on top of that. Plus she had always been a very difficult person and had always refused any treatment for her Type 1 Bipolar Disorder which made life with her very stressful. I don't care if I had been 35 years old when she needed help with her daily living - I would never have moved her into my house unless it was absolutely unavoidable, and then I'd just have to accept that she was probably going to destroy every bit of stability I'd built for so many years after getting away from her dysfunctional behaviors.
Even if she hadn't been bipolar, dementia alone can really be a game changer. The loved one usually becomes more and more irrational and difficult to monitor, guide, feed, clothe, bathe, you name it. It's a terrible disease.
I don't think that people who choose not to take on that level of responsibility are saying they "can't" do it all the time - I think they are often saying "I will not do it because it is detrimental to my family and to me." But not only that, with many conditions including but not limited to dementia, it takes more than one person to really take care of the loved one. One person just can't do it all, day in and day out.
I am glad you went on your trip and that your sister came in and "sat" with your mom. I hope you feel rejuvenated!
Hmmm. I was under the impression that this thread was about parents OBLIGATING their kids to be full time caregivers. I don't know any parent who WANTS/EXPECTS that in life. Many kids do care for their parents full time but the ones I know aren't doing it out of ethical obligation or because the parent necessarily wants it as in "you will care for me."
This thread really got derailed.
ETA: This whole FORUM is about some people caring for their parents full time and others doing some form of caregiving which may be intense or really more like looking after, so not sure what the point of this thread topic would be if it's not about parent's feeling like their kids are obligated to.
So, I took both my parents into my home. I'm only posting this because the early replies seemed to suggest not that many people knew folks who had done that. Granted you don't know me either, though I have posted here on and off for the better part of a decade.
I wasn't going to post, because the original question is about elderly taking care of elderly, and I was in my latter 30s when I moved my late 70s/early80s parents in with me. So I at least was not elderly.
I provided hands on care to them around my full time work, as did my husband - though my husband provided less hygiene assistance unless there was an emergency.
We had an aide that assisted when we were both at work.
Mom lasted 4 years with us (passed in '12); with Dad passing in April of this year.
For us, it was the only appropriate solution. The care they received in institutions was substandard, and I fundamentally believe the only reason my father lived to 91 was because we championed his care continuously - even so; eventually things caught up and we couldn't get him past his last dilemma. (we had hospice, he died at home with us after about 3 weeks of decline).
That said, because it was right for us, and more specifically *for me* - doesn't mean I would ever say it is the only choice or the right choice holistically. I would certainly never suggest someone was negligent for not providing hands on care or moving their parent in with them.
But we did it - it worked well, then they died, and now life (a different kind) goes on.
I appreciate your story and point of view. I want to commend you for caring so well for your parents.
I took care of my dad for 4 years after my mother passed away. "Taking care" of him wasn't much at first because he was in assisted living and doing pretty good. I was still there to visit and just sit and talk or take him somewhere 3 or 4 times a day. When he started getting sicker, I was with him more than with my wife. I had to get up early and be there when he woke up to help him get out of bed, change his diaper, get him dressed and down to breakfast. After he ate I got him in his recliner, remote in hand and phone right next to him. (I was 60 at the time) Then I went home to take care of my wife who was having back problems including surgery so she couldn't get around much. Then repeat the routine at lunch and supper, then get him in bed after Wheel of Fortune. I did this for a couple months. It was beginning to take a toll on me, but I felt that was my job. Not because "they took care of me when I was little..." but because he was my dad and I wanted to take care of him. The assisted living center has a rule that each resident must, in case of emergency, be able to get themselves up and out to the rendezvous point because there's not enough staff to help everybody. So after a third hospital stay for pneumonia, his doctor put him in a nursing home. At first I blamed myself for him going to a nursing home. I felt I had failed him. But, thankfully, with the help of my wife's shoulders to lean on, arms to hug me, and words to make me understand, I finally saw that's where he needed to be. Not just for him but for me.
But, if I had to, I'd do it all over again just for the fact that I know he appreciated it and that kept me going.
I'm sorry for carrying on so much. I just read the first page of this thread before posting.
I took care of my dad for 4 years after my mother passed away. "Taking care" of him wasn't much at first because he was in assisted living and doing pretty good. I was still there to visit and just sit and talk or take him somewhere 3 or 4 times a day. When he started getting sicker, I was with him more than with my wife. I had to get up early and be there when he woke up to help him get out of bed, change his diaper, get him dressed and down to breakfast. After he ate I got him in his recliner, remote in hand and phone right next to him. (I was 60 at the time) Then I went home to take care of my wife who was having back problems including surgery so she couldn't get around much. Then repeat the routine at lunch and supper, then get him in bed after Wheel of Fortune. I did this for a couple months. It was beginning to take a toll on me, but I felt that was my job. Not because "they took care of me when I was little..." but because he was my dad and I wanted to take care of him. The assisted living center has a rule that each resident must, in case of emergency, be able to get themselves up and out to the rendezvous point because there's not enough staff to help everybody. So after a third hospital stay for pneumonia, his doctor put him in a nursing home. At first I blamed myself for him going to a nursing home. I felt I had failed him. But, thankfully, with the help of my wife's shoulders to lean on, arms to hug me, and words to make me understand, I finally saw that's where he needed to be. Not just for him but for me.
But, if I had to, I'd do it all over again just for the fact that I know he appreciated it and that kept me going.
I'm sorry for carrying on so much. I just read the first page of this thread before posting.
You sound like a very caring person, and thank you for your honest account.
Most of us have taken care of the needs of our elderly parents, till we just couldn't do it anymore. Many of them have had to go to nursing homes, memory care centers, etc. but I thank GOD every day that there are some good facilities out there because like you said, there usually comes a point where we just can't do it all anymore and they need more help than we can give them.
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