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Parents took care of their children when the kids were small. Now the roles are being reversed. Children are now being called upon to take care of their aged parents. But are the circumstances and obligations the same?
Parents took care of their minor children when they were in their 20's-30's and very healthy and fit. Now these parents are in their 90's-100's and their children are in their 70's-80's and old themselves with health problems, often multiple health problems. Do these elderly children with health issues have the same obligations ethically to take care of their parents as their parents did when everybody was young and healthy?
Parents took care of their minor children when they were in their 20's-30's and very healthy and fit. Now these parents are in their 90's-100's and their children are in their 70's-80's and old themselves with health problems, often multiple health problems. Do these elderly children with health issues have the same obligations ethically to take care of their parents as their parents did when everybody was young and healthy?
No. You're right, it's very hard for someone in their 70s to be a full time caregiver. Even worse is being labeled "selfish" or "uncaring" if they are unable to do so.
I think most of us would say no, but I can almost guarantee that the elderly parents would say yes, especially if they don't have the financial resources to seek outside assistance, or if they're from the school of thought that children are obligated to their parents in that way.
I think most of us would say no, but I can almost guarantee that the elderly parents would say yes, especially if they don't have the financial resources to seek outside assistance, or if they're from the school of thought that children are obligated to their parents in that way.
I don’t know anyone who thinks their children have an obligation to care for them. I mean, be in regular contact, visit regularly and provide emotional support and stuff? Sure, but that’s different than moving in together or physically providing care.
Huge difference. HUGE. And it really makes me angry to hear that pat phrase "They took care of you, now it's your turn to take care of them." Or even worse "They changed your diapers, now it's your turn to change theirs."
First of all, let's just look at the physical differences and demands. When we were babies and toddler, we were small - usually between 6 and 40 pounds max. Our parents were typically in their 20s or maybe their 30s - usually strong and robust.
Conversely, when our parents are older, they are a LOT heavier and larger, and we are generally a LOT older than they were when we were kids. We are not nearly as strong and energetic in our 50s, 60s, 70s as we were in our 20s and 30s - when by the way, we were often caring for our own babies and toddlers, so let's not pretend we haven't "done our time" - LOL.
Also physically, it's been my experience (my own and observing others) that most of our parents did not take care of their elderly parents long term. I mean, they may have helped - heck, the elderly parent may have even lived with them, but in terms of years and level of care, not many of our parents did much adult diaper changing, or keeping a person with dementia or another debilitating disease in their home or under their care for years and years and years. Some did, but they are the exception, not the rule.
Oh, and I want to add one more logistical bit - back when our parents were dealing with THEIR elderly parents, families tended to be larger, and they tended to live closer together. So often more than one sibling could help with elder care.
In my parents' and inlaws' situations, out of my two brothers and my husband's one brother, he and I were the only two who could and would take care of our elderly parents, for various reasons which were mostly legit actually. So my husband and I ended up with the bulk of the responsibility for FOUR elderly parents all at once. For years. And honestly, I never saw this coming, not all at once. My husband and I were both shell shocked, and it took a big toll on our health, our marriage, our other relationships, etc. We ended up going to counseling in order to work through all this, and we are slowly regaining our health, and thankfully our marriage survived, but there was a lot of collateral damage that I wasn't expecting.
Now to the emotional aspect:
When we were kids, we were under our parents' authority. We moved where they moved, we went to bed when they said, we went to the school district they chose, and generally speaking we knew who was in charge and it wasn't us. But when our parents become infirm or need a lot of our help, the dynamics are not the same.
My parents wanted to live about five hours from me, in another state, in an area that wasn't really geared toward elder care, so any health appts or issues they had, they had to drive ANOTHER hour further from me to the bigger hospitals and doctor groups. And my mom couldn't drive - and my dad couldn't drive when he was sick. Finally I told them, "Look, when I was a kid, where I lived depended on where your job was. Now the tables are turned. Now if you want our help, you are going to have to live where OUR jobs are." To their credit, they did move. Unlike my inlaws, who insisted on living in their own home which was over an hour away, out in the middle of nowhere, and they expected their two sons to just drive out there several times a week and help them, because no, they were not going to move.
Anyway, back to the dynamics - generally, parents see themselves as the authority - at least over their own lives, and sometimes over the lives of their adult children. Caring for them is simply not the same dynamic as caring for a child.
And finally, most kids do not require the YEARS of ongoing and increasing care that aging parents may require. Kids are growing up, becoming more self sufficient, with a growing intellect. Parents are the opposite. And there's just a huge difference, on so many levels, between giving a baby a bath and giving an elderly person a bath. I'll just leave it at that.
So take all that into consideration next time you hear someone blithely say, "They took care of you, now it's your turn to take care of them."
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 08-10-2019 at 08:37 AM..
Well, I agree with everything KA has posted on this question.
I want to add that many of us, including KA, have taken responsibility for our parents, even though we have not provided direct care. It is not as if most of us here have abandoned our elderly parents to a solitary fate. Nor, have most of us bought homes with extra rooms for future caregiving. Generally we have tried to make sure our parents are safe and cared for, their expenses are paid and their assets preserved as best we could, even though we could not provide day to day care.
I have not encountered anyone who has told me that I should have moved my mother into our home and cared for her myself. And I do not know of anyone my general age who has done so.
Where there are no assets, and little income, I think finding acceptable care can be a problem. Finding Medicaid funded residences that truly care for their residents, and are not simply warehouses, can be hard.
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