My Elderly Mother Want to Return Home-- Alone! (child, relative, assisted) - Caregiving -Caretakers, elderly care, nursing homes - City-Data Forum

thrillobyte · 09-13-2009, 02:29 PM

She's 89, broke her ankle nearly 2 years ago and has been convalescing at a good skilled care facility. She broke it alone in her house and it was just by the grace of God she stayed conscious to call me so I could call paramedics.

Now she's walking again and no amount of persuasion can change her mind about returning to her SFD and not having someone come and stay with her. No relatives nearby. I'm her son and I live about 20 min. away. Not enough room for her to come live with my wife and I and she wouldn't want to anyway.

She cannot dose her medications properly--part of what caused her ankle to break in the first place (arbitrarily stopped taking her bone medication) She haphazardly takes any combination of 3 BP meds (shortly before breaking her ankle she had the paramedics out to her house 3 times in 3 months for high-low BP that scared her enough to call them) I'm afraid, that in addition to all the other problems that can arise, she could start a fire on the electric stove that could spread to a nearby neighbor. Her life and the life of other families could be in jeopardy because of her stubbornness to listen to reason and stay at the care center, where they've been doing an excellent job of taking care of her.

Is there some sort of a stove or modification an existing stove that lets the elderly occupant cook on a low heat without the danger of starting a grease fire? Thanks for any input to a situation that is causing me to start losing sleep.

StealthRabbit · 09-13-2009, 02:37 PM

Yes, I believe there are stove devices that restrict use, I would seriously consider a 'radiant' cooktop (Love ours, ez to clean, and won't heat if pan is removed)

See if you can convince her to accept a grandchild (20 something) to live with her. This is how friends dealt with the same issue. A grand-daughter is there to help clean and cook and keep and eye out for her. In this case there is a basement apartment, so privacy for both.

Gandalara · 09-13-2009, 03:04 PM

Ah, a stubborn mother. I have one too. Took me a year to find someone she would accept *just to come in once a week to vacuum* for her

I know of no stove like that - even a hot plate can be dangerous if unattended. [Edit - I see StealthRabiit says there is! Good!] What about Meals on Wheels?

I think you need to talk to her doctor since the medications are not being taken correctly. This is a major problem. Between the 2 of you, you may be able to convince her to have a caretender visit once a day. Or ease into it, maybe every 3rd day or so.

She probably feels a loss of control in her life. She may resent feeling like she isn't trusted to be alone at home any longer, and her self esteem is hurting. Maybe she's afraid of having a stranger in her home. Maybe she wants her privacy and don't really understand why she needs help in the first place.

You really need to get her doctor on your side. Or ... to really be harsh and as a last measure .. you can petition for guardianship or have her declared incompetent. I'd hate to do that myself

I really don't know if I could, it just sounds horrible to me!

PeachyMJ · 09-13-2009, 04:06 PM

Sometimes you have to fib a little. Tell her there is a gas leak in her house and stretch the repairs out. Or invent some other emergency that will not let her return to her home.

taurus430 · 09-13-2009, 04:15 PM

My Dad lives alone and he's 94. My Brother and I visit weekly and sleep over. I am 1 1/2 hrs away and I cook big pots of soup/stew to take to him. He also has meals on wheels deliver food. Plus we take him food shopping once a week, he loves to shop, and cut coupons out. We cook extra food at home to take to him and we freeze food in portions. My Mom did all the cooking, he doesn't cook. Thank God he gets around and in good health.

janetvj · 09-13-2009, 05:11 PM

Have you spoken to the care-givers who work at the facility? In many situations, the resident nags the family members endlessly about how unhappy they are, and how much they want to go home. But when the visitor leaves, they very happily socialize with the other residents, and appear to be very comfortable and content. Maybe your Mom is happier with her situation than she is letting on to you. And even if she would prefer to be home, sometimes tough love is the best thing.

On the other hand, if she seems capable of taking care if her basic needs, and if you're really convinced that she is unhappy at the assisted living facility, you may want to contact the city or county social services to see if it's possible to have a visiting nurse come by a few times a week to ensure that she is taking her meds, and otherwise taking care of herself.

This is a very difficult thing to deal with. Good luck to you.

North Beach Person · 09-13-2009, 05:59 PM

Faced the same with my mother (now 88), finally just flat out told her she couldn't live alone. She was always getting the "flu", things like that. She fell in her bedroom and broke her hip. She then crawled out to the living room to use the phone there because she didn't like the one in the bedroom. That pretty much was that and she went to assisted living after trying to live there again after her hip healed. She fired Meals on Wheels because the driver pulled into the neighbor's driveway one day instead of her's. Still came to the right house, though. Oh yeah, the flu. When I cleaned out her refrigerator there was seven year old salad dressing-so much for the "flu".

Bette · 09-13-2009, 06:04 PM

My FIL is 87, broke his hip earlier this year. He lives alone and is VERY VERY stubborn. He turns off the air conditioning, forgets to lock all the doors and we really worry about him. He is an hour away.

We had a small window of time back when he broke his hip to try to get him closer to us - even a small place would be better than the rundown place he has.

Right now, his sister who is 88, just came back to stay with him. Thank God for her. What a sweetheart she is.

We are in the same boat. My husband and I can't do what we really want to do - we're stuck. (My husband is an only child). We also work about 80 plus hours a week, actually it's more like 90 so it's stressful.

I also have a mother who is 88 and has Alzheimers. She is going to a place 3 days a week where they work with her and she has improved. She is living now with one of my sisters.

She was like the OP's mother, also very stubborn, wouldn't leave her condo (which we were paying for), wouldn't do anything. She fell in December and all that changed. Poor thing, it's so sad but it got her out of there.

We are taking life day by day at the moment.

cushla · 09-13-2009, 06:21 PM

Well i haven't any real answers for you but i do sympathise ...it is a huge problem, i cared for my mother for 20 yrs, until i could no longer cope, she fell in the shower and it was hard for me to lift her, so finally she had to go into a aged care facility, she didn't like it, but i used to visit every day after work. It took some time for her to accept it and of course for me the guilt thing was huge. Good luck and i hope it all works out for your Mom and you.

North Beach Person · 09-13-2009, 06:38 PM

If you put her in assisted living keep some of her things to go with her. My mother has been very unhappy for the last two years and I finally figured out why. My brother had POA and forced the sale of all her stuff at auction. She was one who always had a bunch of "stuff" around on her coffee table, etc. All gone. He wouldn't even let her keep her blankets and quilts (most of which my wife had bought her) or her radio. So she went to the room in assisted living with nothing she could personalize it with. We picked up some of things at the auction and she has those now.