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So my dh is in Ireland at the moment taking care of his mother who is 83 with dementia. We have been back and forth monthly since September trying to take care of her and manage things. We have succeeded in getting her from private care which was costing a fortune to government help ; home help comes in twice a day for 30 mins each time. Thats ok for now but it wont be long until longer is needed.
My mil absolutely refuses to go into a home ; flat out refuses. She maintains she can take care of herself, however she has no appetite so she forgets to eat. She has bruises and cuts on her legs and arm from falls but cannot tell us what happened. She forgets her meds etc. She pours about 10 cups of tea a day but forgets to drink them. The doctors maintain since her house is tidy, she can still function in her own home. It has been tidy for the past 40 years but it is not as clean as it used to be. Since she refuses to go into a home, no home will take her. Dh has a really hard time accepting his mum in this situation and really dosnt want to meet with doctors, geritricians etc. He has contacted an attorney about her assets, but as his mother has gone too far, it will take a high court decree to add him to her accounts. I am trying to help him in supporting him but just dont know what to say these days. There is only so many times you can say that you are doing the best. I am taking our kids to Ireland this week for Christmas so that we will all be together and then we will all come back to the states together. His mum has absolutely no family there, and there is no possibility of her coming here. Her daughter is estranged and so has no input at all ; she is even a neurophychiarist (sp) but refuses to make one lousy phone call to a social worker in Ireland and hasnt seen her mum in 4 years.
Just thanks for listening to my vent. There is really nothing we can do except go every few weeks. I have started a new job as we moved to a new city in the summer and one of us needs to work. This dementia just stinks for everyone concerned.
Oh, MY!!! You really have a bad situation. My guess is that one day things will get so bad that even her doctor (who must have a little dementia too) will see that she needs more care. If she ends up in a hospital, maybe this would be your chance to get her into a Nursing Home of some sort. Some times, you just have to wait.
At some point, your husband might have to face seeing the doctors, the courts, lawyers, etc. He won't be the first to face this unpleasant task.
Does she react equally badly to the idea of a live in caretaker? How about sharing her house with two of them sharing the cost?
I can guess that if she is like my father was, she will refuse these options too.
So my dh is in Ireland at the moment taking care of his mother who is 83 with dementia. We have been back and forth monthly since September trying to take care of her and manage things. We have succeeded in getting her from private care which was costing a fortune to government help ; home help comes in twice a day for 30 mins each time. Thats ok for now but it wont be long until longer is needed.
My mil absolutely refuses to go into a home ; flat out refuses. She maintains she can take care of herself, however she has no appetite so she forgets to eat. She has bruises and cuts on her legs and arm from falls but cannot tell us what happened. She forgets her meds etc. She pours about 10 cups of tea a day but forgets to drink them. The doctors maintain since her house is tidy, she can still function in her own home. It has been tidy for the past 40 years but it is not as clean as it used to be. Since she refuses to go into a home, no home will take her. Dh has a really hard time accepting his mum in this situation and really dosnt want to meet with doctors, geritricians etc. He has contacted an attorney about her assets, but as his mother has gone too far, it will take a high court decree to add him to her accounts. I am trying to help him in supporting him but just dont know what to say these days. There is only so many times you can say that you are doing the best. I am taking our kids to Ireland this week for Christmas so that we will all be together and then we will all come back to the states together. His mum has absolutely no family there, and there is no possibility of her coming here. Her daughter is estranged and so has no input at all ; she is even a neurophychiarist (sp) but refuses to make one lousy phone call to a social worker in Ireland and hasnt seen her mum in 4 years.
Just thanks for listening to my vent. There is really nothing we can do except go every few weeks. I have started a new job as we moved to a new city in the summer and one of us needs to work. This dementia just stinks for everyone concerned.
It is really hard to be a long distance caretaker. But you will have to get her care, whether she admits to needing it or not. She'll have a crisis and have to move, or your DH will prevail. The thing is you can't take care of her if she is in Ireland, and she can't take care of herself. Its not use arguing. You'll just have to do it. This is very hard. The son or daughter has to become the parent.
No, she is not open to the idea of having someone live with her. Her home is her castle and she is terrified of it being taken away from her.
I agree that we cannot do this long distance. If she was even open to a nursing home it would be ok, but when I brought her to see one, she refused to get out of the car. Her non cooperation is really horrendous What gets me is that the doctors and nursing home will not let her go into a home as she refuses to go, but she has dementia and they agree that she cannot be alone. So which is it ; either she is ok to be at home, or not. Personally we think she is not ok. She keeps asking if Christmas is over!!
The doctors maintain since her house is tidy, she can still function in her own home. It has been tidy for the past 40 years but it is not as clean as it used to be. Since she refuses to go into a home, no home will take her.
I suspect that the bolded sentence is the reason no home will take her against her will. Rightly or wrongly, the doctors have deemed her competent enough mentally to make the decision on where to live.
So my dh is in Ireland at the moment taking care of his mother who is 83 with dementia. We have been back and forth monthly since September trying to take care of her and manage things. We have succeeded in getting her from private care which was costing a fortune to government help ; home help comes in twice a day for 30 mins each time. Thats ok for now but it wont be long until longer is needed.
My mil absolutely refuses to go into a home ; flat out refuses. She maintains she can take care of herself, however she has no appetite so she forgets to eat. She has bruises and cuts on her legs and arm from falls but cannot tell us what happened. She forgets her meds etc. She pours about 10 cups of tea a day but forgets to drink them. The doctors maintain since her house is tidy, she can still function in her own home. It has been tidy for the past 40 years but it is not as clean as it used to be. Since she refuses to go into a home, no home will take her. Dh has a really hard time accepting his mum in this situation and really dosnt want to meet with doctors, geritricians etc. He has contacted an attorney about her assets, but as his mother has gone too far, it will take a high court decree to add him to her accounts. I am trying to help him in supporting him but just dont know what to say these days. There is only so many times you can say that you are doing the best. I am taking our kids to Ireland this week for Christmas so that we will all be together and then we will all come back to the states together. His mum has absolutely no family there, and there is no possibility of her coming here. Her daughter is estranged and so has no input at all ; she is even a neurophychiarist (sp) but refuses to make one lousy phone call to a social worker in Ireland and hasnt seen her mum in 4 years.
Just thanks for listening to my vent. There is really nothing we can do except go every few weeks. I have started a new job as we moved to a new city in the summer and one of us needs to work. This dementia just stinks for everyone concerned.
Wow, what a difficult situation you are in, okaydorothy. My family had some similar issues with my grandparents and I know how hard it is, so I can only imagine how much more so it must be when you have to deal with it long distance too. All I can say is that I think that you and your dh are doing an absolutely marvelous job and I commend you and your love, compassion, and patience. It takes a special type of person to endure and keep on doing what you and your family are doing. Many people would just give up all together and leave "x" person just to fend for themselves or just die. I truly admire you guys and your outstanding commitment.
I wish you the absolute best of luck and that God bless you and your family (if you believe in one).
Have a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year and I hope that it's one filled with many blessings for you and your family.
You mean doctors actually evaluate her home? Uh....since when do doctors do that? Or are they relying on social workers word? I believe its true that if they can maintain general body hygiene, dress themselves etc. they are allowed to stay in their home. However as you are getting the idea these situations tend to slide. maybe you could request the in home help (and do it when there) to document photo's of her cuts and bruises, keep a daily record of her weight, count pills - keep it all in a log. I think its key to realize that these situations are extremely difficult and not to beat yourself up.
Yes, the doctors actually made a housecall about three weeks ago. Her GP and the head geritrician of one of the hospitals came to her house and spent 3 hours there. The house is always tidy (she is def not a hoarder).The visit was to approve home help who now come twice a day, 5 times a week.
We arrived home on friday and her memory is really bad. She cannot remember having dinner even an hour later. We will just have to ride it out until things get worse. The home help is very nice and we can text her anytime for updates. The local GP will make a house call and the chemist (pharmacy) will deliver. Dh will arrange to have groceries delivered weekly.
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