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Last month, my best friend, Serenity, died after suffering multiple seizures and blindness that came on in less than 24 hours. I had to end her suffering, and it was the worst night ever.
The other pets that I have laid low for a bit...the dogs always seem to know...how do they do that? The cats kept to themselves for about 3 or 4 days, and then, I started to notice, they all started to get extremely affectionate with me.
One has always tried to be affectionate, but yes, Serenity took precedence on the "lay on the human" spot. Other cats that I've tried to squish and squeeze weren't really in to it the way that Serenity was, so I instead decided that they were just the "scritch me behind the ears" type of pets, and that was that.
So none of this was for the lack of trying, I did try to build strong bonds with them all, too, they just didn't seem to want it as much as Serenity did, or even I did. But since she's been gone, now they all want to be that way. Even the cat who doesn't like the others has been coming to sit on the back of the couch to be near me, when she never did that before, is crawling on me and doing her kneading thing, something she never did before. My fluffy boy that I always tried to snuggle, who didn't want a thing to do with that, now can't seem to get enough of me.
The problem is, I can't seem to find it in me to give that back. I'm of course still grieving...basically I do everything I can not to think of Serenity passing because when I do, still, a month later, I feel that "slug in the gut" feeling, and I realize that I will get caught in emotions I still cannot handle right now, so I shove it to the side. That's how I've been "dealing". But underneath it all is still this "leave me alone, don't touch me" feeling.
I feel like I'm being really unfair to the others, especially because they seem to want to be getting closer than they ever have before...and I try, I really try...but after 5 minutes of it, I get overwhelmed and that "don't touch me" feeling comes out, despite how much I try to fight it. I think it's because it reminds me of her...and I can. not. handle. it. right now.
How do I be fair to my other pets? I love them, of course, that's not even a question, but how do I be fair to them while I still grieve over the loss of my best pal ever?
I feel like such a jerk...and I don't want to push them away to the point that they stop trying to be affectionate with me...but you can't tell a cat, "I love the snot out of you, but I just can't right now", because even if they understood English, who would understand that? You still feel rejected, and I don't want them to feel rejected.
I don't know how to resolve this, or what to do...
Location: Los Angeles>Little Rock>Houston>Little Rock
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Just don't worry about loving them back right now. They are loving on you because they sense your pain. You will start feeling better each day and will appreciate the attention.
I work better through sadness and grief by being alone - hugs and touches and being given words of comfort don't help, and in fact for me make coping worse, so I know what you're feeling.
However, there are many who need hugs and touches and words in order to cope. When I sense this need in others who are grieving with me, I try to put my personal feelings aside if only for a very brief moment, even when it means I get that "slug in the gut" (yes, I know what that is) and feel that desire to wriggle my shoulders and step back away from that repulsive feeling I get.
Cats and dogs have their own ways of grieving. As you've seen, they can remove themselves for a short while and then become like Velcro. Their return is not always that they're sensing your sadness and want to comfort you. The need for closeness to you may be because it is their way, their need, of comforting themselves.
It's obvious you have the compassion - we've seen it in all your posts, and especially in this thread.
My thought is this: you can tell a cat "I love the snot out of you, but I just can't right now" by saying it out loud as you give them a brief snuggle or whatever close encounter each cat prefers. Say it with genuine feeling and they'll hear you and feel your genuineness and love and won't feel rejected.
One of my cats must sit on my lap when I'm on the computer, but there are times when she's really in the way. Rather than just push her off and/or say "get down", I give her a big hug and snuggle, tell her "I love you, but I need some space" and then put her down. Instead of looking at me confused, she walks off and it's as if she's saying "ok, see ya later". So, if you can communicate to each of your cats with one brief touch and words said out loud, they'll understand.
Do what you can. They want to be near you but won't "be mad" at you if you don't want them nearby.
Tucker was my "soul mate" cat, so I can relate. I was the opposite of you in wanting the other cats close, but you are who you are and can't change that.
Their return is not always that they're sensing your sadness and want to comfort you. The need for closeness to you may be because it is their way, their need, of comforting themselves.
^This. It's cutting both ways. The bereft cats (in typical feline fashion) aren't just acting out of kindness or because they're oblivious to the situation. They need some comforting too.
Ah....TWIS, I know you're still hurting and feeling bad about losing Serenity and understand too about not wanting to be "groped" by the group.... Think about it another way. They aren't asking you to let them have your attention - they're OK with Serenity being gone by now - they're trying to get close enough to you to comfort you. It's a kitty version of a group hug and by not letting them "apply their medicine", you're effectively not letting them begin their cure.
The longer you put them off - the longer they will have to continue their efforts at "curing" your broken heart and spirit. I've had this happen with me more times than I can tell you (remember - we have 22 kitties in our house!). They have seen both me and hubby cry and snivel for days on end after we lose one of our babies. They seem to take turns with us - whichever one of us is in the room, or is closest to us emotionally usually starts it. Every time I sit down I end up with a lap-ful of fur and the kneading and "healing" begins.
I'm telling you - the next time this happens to you, try and look at it with a different perspective. Imagine yourself as being one of them - trying to comfort you and soothe you, all the while reminding you that they're still here for you and that they miss her too. I don't think they're vying for her position - I think they just want to make sure you're ok in there, and to let you know it's ok to still miss her and love her - and that they're going to be around for the long term. Try to "suffer" through it a bit and you may find that you actually enjoy it, and you may start to feel closer to Serenity's spirit in the process. She's still in there - with them, and in your heart. You can all share her when they congregate on you like that.
As for resolving this - it will just take time and patience. Understanding you already have - you know your animals better than anyone - you saved them and you love them. They know that already. Nothing is broken there - your family dynamic just got broken up a bit and they are trying to help you get it back on track the only way they know how. You're gonna be ok, I promise!! Take care of yourself....
What a sweet post. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm 65 and I've had one (1) cat -- at a time -- my entire life (along with frequent fosters and a TNR project on 37 ferrels which resulted in a little coven of five outside cats. So, I had an Edward, and then Annie, and now my current Edward--a sweet, loving boy if there ever was one.
Each time I lost my current companion it was overwhelmingly heartbreaking, but while I still miss Annie, and cry sometimes, the hurt does lessen over time. Sounds like your other kitties love you a lot.
Cats are wonderful companions. Edward is all I've got!!!
I had two cats, one died Dec 15, 2013, we had him for 18 years. When he died my other cat ran around the house looking for him then she would crawl up and lay next to me all the time. She followed me everywhere. She died Dec 13, 2015, one week ago today. We had her 20 years, we have no cats now and it feels empty.
(strange, look at the dates they passed). I agree with ocngypz, enjoy your cats op. They won't be with us forever, and their world changed too.
I had two cats, one died Dec 15, 2013, we had him for 18 years. When he died my other cat ran around the house looking for him then she would crawl up and lay next to me all the time. She followed me everywhere. She died Dec 13, 2015, one week ago today. We had her 20 years, we have no cats now and it feels empty.
(strange, look at the dates they passed). I agree with ocngypz, enjoy your cats op. They won't be with us forever, and their world changed too.
Petch, I'm sorry to read that you lost your baby recently. 20 years is HUGE!!!! I cannot imagine how much you are missing her - especially during this time of the year. I hope that she went peacefully and I attribute her long life to loving care given to her by you and her brother who she did no doubt miss terribly.
I hope you're doing ok, and your heart is on the mend. Hopefully, in time - you might just feel like adopting another little one who needs your love and companionship. Every life matters!!! It's amazing how the emptiness just fades away when there's a kitty there to chase it away. Please take care of yourself.
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