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....Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
....I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
....I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
....Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
....PS: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
....Home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
....I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
....This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
....So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
....Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
....My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
....Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
....I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
....I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to ‘’Puerto Backyarda’’. I'm getting tired of ‘’Los Livingroom’’.
....Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
....Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
.... And lastly... Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under….
I have so many more viral humor emails others have mailed. They have kept me sane in times of anxiety. For some reason I can’t link them here. They come in as groups of photos (like signs). I can download each individual “sign” but I don’t know how to post photos from my personal collection here.
Sad, because we really need more humor to offset the tragedy of this time in our life.
Ok.. My favorites:
This lady goes to see about her elderly neighbor and finds her talking to her cat. She comes home and tells her dog.. “that lady next door is going crazy.. she’s talking to her cat!”
“ I miss the days when we were terrified of Romaine lettuce!”
Day 7.. the dog is looking at me like .. “See?! This is why I chew on furniture”
Sitting on the couch my husband lovingly says, “the best part of this is that I get to spend more time with you”. Then I realize he’s talking to the dog.
I’ve eaten 14 meals and taken 6 naps.. and it’s STILL today?? Tell me you’re kidding..
From an anonymous UPS delivery driver...
5 types of customers since the “rona”:
1) Steve:
He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo.
Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.
2) Brad:
He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape.
Brad will not survive.
Steve will probably eat him.
3) Nancy:
She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper.
She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.
4) Karen:
She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonalds, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello kitchen” to her.
Karen will not survive longer than Brad.
5) Mary:
Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days.
Mary will survive and marry Steve.
Together they will repopulate the earth.
May God have mercy on us all.
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