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I'm looking for some advice here. I really feel for the kid. His desire to have a girl friend is totally normal, and I feel that their rule for dating is ridiculous. I think it's to prevent him from having premarital sex. What it has done has made him hide this girl, sneak around behind his parents back, and lie to them. I'm worried that the kid might believe that he doesn't have options. (He's a bit of a nerd and has been picked on growing up, the girl friend normalizes him)
I don't want to undermind his parents and their rules, but I'd like to reach out to him.
We all feel for the kid, but if he is still dependent on his parents financially and these are their rules, he needs to comply.
Do reach out to him, but be very careful not to bad mouth his parents rule. Whether you or I agree with it, it is their right to make the rules of their home.
Instead, focus on helping him deal with his reality.
Tell him you are sorry he is hurting and in disagreement with his parents, who you know love him. Basically, be empathetic while still reminding him his parents love him and are doing what they truly must believe is best.
Then help him to brainstorm his options - to deal with "what is".
Point out he could just leave home. Options for accomplishing this are to join the military, get a job for year until he can establish he is on his own financially then apply for grants and loans to go to college, or maybe find a sympathetic relative willing to help him stay in school now.
I'm looking for some advice here. I really feel for the kid. His desire to have a girl friend is totally normal, and I feel that their rule for dating is ridiculous. I think it's to prevent him from having premarital sex. What it has done has made him hide this girl, sneak around behind his parents back, and lie to them. I'm worried that the kid might believe that he doesn't have options. (He's a bit of a nerd and has been picked on growing up, the girl friend normalizes him)
I don't want to undermind his parents and their rules, but I'd like to reach out to him.
Personally, he has to find the strength within himself to say, "I'm an adult. This is what I want. This is how I'm going to live my life." But he's still 18 and he's not fully developed yet so that'll take time. I'm 22 and i'm still not there yet. When he's fully on his own, it should be easier for him.
Personally, he has to find the strength within himself to say, "I'm an adult. This is what I want. This is how I'm going to live my life." But he's still 18 and he's not fully developed yet so that'll take time. I'm 22 and i'm still not there yet. When he's fully on his own, it should be easier for him.
This is pretty much what I was thinking. This is something he needs to work out on his own.
easybay, maybe the best way you can reach out to him is to just allow him to talk about it with you. Sometimes with this type of situation, a person just needs someone to express theirselves to, a supportive set of ears, so to speak, allowing them to express their thoughts to be able to work it out for theirself.
You may want to reach out, but definately do not get into the middle of it! Be there if he needs some comfort!
Honestly, it would be nice to get your sister some reading material on Christian principles of dating and courtship. Now, although much on Christian courtship will be written and designed to help guide young adults to finding a marriage partner, it does not mandate that they intend to marry when they start dating.
Starting to date with the intention of marrying is not necessarily God honoring. It is a good way to rush into marriage due to the wrong reasons (desire for sex, companionship, get away from parents, etc etc).
Still, being family this is delicate and you may want to tread very lightly.
I personally think you shouldn't date just to date. The purpose for dating and being a couple, is to see if you and your date are good for one another in the prospects of being married to one another. Yet I don't mind those who do date just to date. I don't know if I understand the parents rule. What if you find out through dating, the person was actually a very bad match? At that point you break it off, and date another person who might be a good one.
Personally, he has to find the strength within himself to say, "I'm an adult. This is what I want. This is how I'm going to live my life." But he's still 18 and he's not fully developed yet so that'll take time.
I agree. I can totally relate since we were raised by parents who acted in a similiar controlling manner and now my sister is replicating it with her kids. I was 19 when I couldn't take it any more and moved out. I have had a difficult relationship with my parents my entire life. It was like they couldn't see that I was an adult and could make decisions for myself (good or bad!).
It stuns me that she is doing the same with her kids. Kids take this stuff hard.....not to sound overly dramatic, but kids commit suicide over the dumbest things. It's that kind of behavior that worries me.
The sad thing the parents dont realize is that once he is able to break out on his own, his contact with his parents will likely be extremely limited. I would say he needs to get some kind of lucrative trade or degree and get a job and make it work with his GF. Unless he is a rico swave alpha male, women are not all that plentiful later in life, he needs to find a way to keep her and develop his professional career otherwise he is going to be hurting. His parents are setting him up to make his life harder.
I hear these ads on the radio about adult children leaving the faith once they leave the home and it saddens the family, I believe that saddness is due to the fact that they lost their ability to control. Religion likes to control, the more money, skills and options one has the more you can remove yourself from such control.
If it was my sister I would sit her down and then start yelling! She has no right to screw up his life and mind. How much abuse and suicide could have been prevented by relatives who refused to get involved.
This is partly why I believe we have an annonomus, anti social, fragmented society. Our nation was founded on freedom but we are moving to a great deal of control in both the church and government which is why no one wants to "get involved".
You get involved with a church and you are subject to their influance and control, get involved with the authorities and you are subjegated, get involved with an over zealous family where you are relying on their provision and you are subject. This is why everyone has their own loft or one bedroom appartment so they can maintain some autonomy. Americans by their very nature dont want to be controled.
My sister's "rule" for her teens and dating, is that they aren't allowed to date unless they plan to be married within one year. So after finding out that their 18 year old son has had a girlfriend for the past 4 months, they sat him down and gave him the choice of continuing dating her, and giving up going to college so he could get a job when he finished high school to get married and support her OR to break up with her. At first the kid said that she was "the one", and then later broke up with her. The kid is devastated.
Can I assume this is the BAC way of controlling/preventing kids from having sex?
In a sense, yes. This is not the best way to educate them. You want to educate your children with reasons and spiritual truth of why Christians wait besides "scaring" them off. They're not kids anymore. I notice that it's more effective when you're not attacking them. Even if they disobey, parents can still redirect without holding judgment against them. JMO.
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