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I am hoping this is the appropriate place to post this. Just to clear the record, I posted something similar to it when this problem became more than I felt I could handle, in the relationships forum. But I am particularly looking for a Christian perspective on this, as it greatly affects my outlook on what I thought was acceptable, versus not.
Please try to keep an open mind. I need to know whether or not you view masturbation as natural, or not.
My better half (we'll call him Bob) has been making a habit of using the computer (I've been told men are very visual creatures) when he feels the needs to relieve himself. I've sat down and discussed with him why it makes me feel uncomfortable. It hurts me, because it feels like he is cheating on me. Or it hurts, because it feels like I am not satisfying him enough. Or it hurts, because it's bringing up past memories of an ex that I had, that I found was cheating on me, by doing this very same act, (only he was actually participating over webcam with a women he met online that he was hiding his relationship with)
As a Christian single, married, widowed, no matter what your status in life right now is, society is telling me this is natural, and that I have issues with being over-religious in upbringing, and sexually repressive. I won't fight either side of the arguement, but for sanity's sake, I need to know if there is anyone else out there that feels their partner is doing them an injustice (or lack of respect) with this act, whether consciously, or unconsciously. Maybe it would be different if I didn't know about it, or he did it in another room, when I wasn't sleeping 5 feet away (there's a computer very close in the bedroom). But I need to look deeper into why it bothers me, and whether the problem is with how I handle it, or if the problem is revolving around the fact that I'm trying to actively wrap my mind around it and dismiss it like I'm being told I should.
The fact that I caught him doing it before, is part of the problem. The fact that I've caught him doing it since, indicates he was lying to me for the past few months, and is also part of the problem. I pleaded with him to talk to me, if he is sexually frustrated, and feels the need again, rather than hiding it, we can work on it together. The fact that he breezed right over that offer, and just adamantly swore (again) that he would just stop doing it, is part of the problem. The fact that I wake up in the morning, and sometimes he's just closing a window on the computer before he gets ready for work, and that red flag shoots straight up in the back of my head, is also, a very large problem.
It's natural! Every man does it, EveryONE does it, don't you? What's the matter with you!
- I know my sex drive is lower than his is, (I will strive to compensate to make him happy, I love him) maybe mine is lower than every woman's on average? (now what..?) But no.. unless the rare occasion presents itself, I don't sit at work thinking... "boy I can't wait to get home to satisfy myself" or wake up first thing in the morning and do it. - and if I felt like it, isn't that what we have eachother for?
To the mods, please, if this is too inappropriate for the Christianity forum, I would rather you delete the post than move it to "Relationships". I've gotten a wide variety of answers from there. I'm going back to my roots in God, to see if this is indeed where the problem is clashing, and hopefully someone on here has felt what I feel, or can help me disect why I can't let this go. It doesn't feel right. Even why I try to be okay with it.
If this wasn't the right place to post this, I do apologize. Please don't tear me to pieces. I don't know where else to look for help.
Respectfully.
I am hoping this is the appropriate place to post this. Just to clear the record, I posted something similar to it when this problem became more than I felt I could handle, in the relationships forum. But I am particularly looking for a Christian perspective on this, as it greatly affects my outlook on what I thought was acceptable, versus not.
Please try to keep an open mind. I need to know whether or not you view masturbation as natural, or not.
My better half (we'll call him Bob) has been making a habit of using the computer (I've been told men are very visual creatures) when he feels the needs to relieve himself. I've sat down and discussed with him why it makes me feel uncomfortable. It hurts me, because it feels like he is cheating on me. Or it hurts, because it feels like I am not satisfying him enough. Or it hurts, because it's bringing up past memories of an ex that I had, that I found was cheating on me, by doing this very same act, (only he was actually participating over webcam with a women he met online that he was hiding his relationship with)
As a Christian single, married, widowed, no matter what your status in life right now is, society is telling me this is natural, and that I have issues with being over-religious in upbringing, and sexually repressive. I won't fight either side of the arguement, but for sanity's sake, I need to know if there is anyone else out there that feels their partner is doing them an injustice (or lack of respect) with this act, whether consciously, or unconsciously. Maybe it would be different if I didn't know about it, or he did it in another room, when I wasn't sleeping 5 feet away (there's a computer very close in the bedroom). But I need to look deeper into why it bothers me, and whether the problem is with how I handle it, or if the problem is revolving around the fact that I'm trying to actively wrap my mind around it and dismiss it like I'm being told I should.
The fact that I caught him doing it before, is part of the problem. The fact that I've caught him doing it since, indicates he was lying to me for the past few months, and is also part of the problem. I pleaded with him to talk to me, if he is sexually frustrated, and feels the need again, rather than hiding it, we can work on it together. The fact that he breezed right over that offer, and just adamantly swore (again) that he would just stop doing it, is part of the problem. The fact that I wake up in the morning, and sometimes he's just closing a window on the computer before he gets ready for work, and that red flag shoots straight up in the back of my head, is also, a very large problem.
It's natural! Every man does it, EveryONE does it, don't you? What's the matter with you!
- I know my sex drive is lower than his is, (I will strive to compensate to make him happy, I love him) maybe mine is lower than every woman's on average? (now what..?) But no.. unless the rare occasion presents itself, I don't sit at work thinking... "boy I can't wait to get home to satisfy myself" or wake up first thing in the morning and do it. - and if I felt like it, isn't that what we have eachother for?
To the mods, please, if this is too inappropriate for the Christianity forum, I would rather you delete the post than move it to "Relationships". I've gotten a wide variety of answers from there. I'm going back to my roots in God, to see if this is indeed where the problem is clashing, and hopefully someone on here has felt what I feel, or can help me disect why I can't let this go. It doesn't feel right. Even why I try to be okay with it.
If this wasn't the right place to post this, I do apologize. Please don't tear me to pieces. I don't know where else to look for help.
Respectfully.
It's not you.
There is nothing you can do or be, that will compete with lust.
His appetite for this is insatiable, and will never be satisfied.
I'd suggest that you set some clear boundaries out of you own enlightened self interest.
And be willing to seperate from him if he violates them.
If you're asking him to not masturbate at all, then you're out of line. It's perfectly fine if he wants to masturbate in an appropriate time and place. It's his body; you asking him to not play with it is out of bounds.
Porn is a different issue. Many, many men look at it and many women don't like that. I think it's a problem if he has more interest in porn than he does in you. Otherwise, I think it's relatively harmless.
But look: you recognize that you don't have a thirst for sex as much as he does. His desire does not sound unreasonable, so you're gonna have to step up your game. The answer is to quench his thirst for him so he doesn't have the desire to masturbate as much. How about beginning mornings by you giving him oral? Or a hand job in the shower? Or just having sex more often? That is, you need to scratch his itch a lot more often. Because if you don't, you can be sure that eventually he will find someone who will.
Last edited by professorsenator; 10-24-2009 at 09:50 AM..
But I need to look deeper into why it bothers me, and whether the problem is with how I handle it, or if the problem is revolving around the fact that I'm trying to actively wrap my mind around it and dismiss it like I'm being told I should.
It bothers you because it's wrong. Our consciences are our guides and God is convicting you. I don't care what anyone says....masturbation is wrong and it is definitely not natural. It IS cheating because in a man's mind, when he masturbates, he is visualizing another woman or women.
Your man has a serious problem. Take your issues to the Lord and pray for Him to help you resolve this. And btw, I would never offer up my opinion unless I were clean. I'm a single, divorced woman and I don't care if every man in the world does it......it doesn't make it right.
In my opinion it is a dirty, filthy act that produces nothing but bad things. There may not be a direct reference to masturbation in the Bible but God DID have this to say about it:
Matthew 5:28
But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
..............I've sat down and discussed with him why it makes me feel uncomfortable. It hurts me, because it feels like he is cheating on me. Or it hurts, because it feels like I am not satisfying him enough.......... ......................................... need to look deeper into why it bothers me, and whether the problem is with how I handle it, or if the problem is revolving around the fact that I'm trying to actively wrap my mind around it and dismiss it like I'm being told I should..
Let me try to explain a bit about how guys are hard wired. It has everything to do with how we, as a species, evolved. It is "hard wired" in men to attempt to "breed" every available female in an effort to perpetrate the species. It is equally hard wired for women to resist every man's approach, while seeking one man that can provide the security needed to raise a child.
A lot of these species survival demands have been abrogated in todays society. While traditionally men have had multiple sexual partners, women, traditionally have been monogamous. While the sex act is a relatively quick thing for men, for women it can last hours.......again, a species preservation thing.
How to keep your husband off the internet and focused on you? It is simple.......
First do not TALK about the needs or desires or fantasies......just assume he is horny about twice, maybe three times a day.....frequently first thing in the morning and again in the evening before sleeping. He will also be receptive during the middle of the day (hence the infamous "nooner" people talk about). Also assume he needs "variety" in his sex life. So the first thing to do is deal with both the frequency and the fantasy.
Most guys like to be made to feel like kings......it is one of the reasons prostitutes are in business....he can order them to fulfill his fantasy without them saying "not now, the kids are up" or "not now, I have a headache" or "not now I'm _______ (fill in the blank)"
So to keep him off internet sex, 1) be an aggressor. Make moves on him 30 minutes before he normally wakes up and he will wake up smiling. 2) be creative in how you dress and how you approach him. One thing you are right about, men are visual creatures. fishnet stockings, high heels, dresses that provide peeks, halter tops, etc etc are all items that can arouse the beast. Don't do all at the same time or you become too "slutty" but I can guarantee you that if he notices other men noticing you, he will feel proud........especially if you can discretely let him know you are wanting him right then.....a casual brush of the hand, moving close hip to hip and a quick fondle or touch.....letting him discretely touch you in a public place......all allows him to "stake his turf" and keeps his focus on you. 3) When you cuddle or snuggle, be proactive.....contact like that with a guy is sexual. I know, contact like that for a woman is like a security blanket......but to him it is sexual. I would bet that if you snuggle and don't at least make out, he heads for the computer soon after. At night, make yourself available to him. Don't cling, but as you start to unwind touch him....not necessarily going for sex, but just touch him.....give him a kiss if he doesn't respond, but let him know you are willing. If he doesn't take care of himself or his hygene before going to bed, it is probably because he doesn't feel like it is worth the trouble. If you act like going to bed is a kind of a "date" then he will start going to bed prepared to impress you...........
Otherwise he will have sex in his mind, and exclude you. And yes....it is a very virulent form of cheating on you. You need to compete with his imagination.......and win.
Telling him to come talk to you when he has a need is simply driving him away. Eventually it will destroy the marriage. He ALWAYS has a need. Making him come to you and beg for a little attention is going to run him off.
Our consciences are our guides and God is convicting you. I don't care what anyone says....masturbation is wrong and it is definitely not natural.
Right....and it makes you go blind too..............
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilene Wright
Your man has a serious problem.
Yep..... a woman that won't meet his needs as a man..............
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilene Wright
Take your issues to the Lord and pray for Him to help you resolve this.
also pray for Him to help you find a divorce attorney....you'll be needing one
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilene Wright
And btw, I would never offer up my opinion unless I were clean. I'm a single, divorced woman and I don't care if every man in the world does it......it doesn't make it right.
and now we know why you are both single and divorced
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilene Wright
In my opinion it is a dirty, filthy act that produces nothing but bad things.....
Enough already, we already know why you are single and divorced
Actually, I agree with every single iota of his (or her) post. You can choose to accept the humanity and reality behind the male (and female) sexual drive or you can act as though it's this abhorrent, vile and wicked thing.
The only thing I think that needed to be added to GoodPasture's post is that it's not a one-way street either. Just because I want my wife to dress up in fishnet stockings, high heels, and act real slutty doesn't mean she sacrifices the right to ask me to wear something or do something that might turn her on as well.
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