Lonely in Dallas (insurance, how much, house)

[glespaul]

I feel silly writing this, but here it goes. I moved to Dallas over 7 years ago from the north east. I was very unhappy at first but I grew to love the city and can't imagine ever moving back to the NE. But one thing that has NOT changed is that I still have no close friends here. It's not that I don't meet people. I am rather extroverted and have joined meetup groups to meet people. But none of those interactions have resulted in long lasting friendships. FYI, I think some of the challenges I face are due to the fact that:

1) I am not religious (I'm a Buddhist leaning agnostics ) so meeting people at church is not an option (although, I've been desperate enough to consider this). I am also a social liberal and a fiscal conservative, which shouldn't matter in Dallas but who knows!
2) I've lived on 3 different continents and 8 different cities, half of those were on my own away from friends and family. I don't think this is about my being homesick.
3) Dallas is the 1st place i've called home and my closest friends are from college, grad school, and my time abroad.
- the armchair psychologist in me say that because i've moved around so much (before Dallas, longest i lived anywhere was 3 years overseas) I know how to make acquaintances really well but not close friends.

Anyway, I guess that's it. I appreciate any constructive comments or suggestions. Thank you!

[MckinneyOwnr]

How old are you? From what you wrote, it might as well have been me writing it. The difference is that I grew up here, and so a lot of my long time friends from grade school are still in the area and we are still friends.

To make long lasting friendships as an adult, I think the best way is to find a hobby you enjoy, then find similar people that also enjoy that. For example, I'm in a couple car clubs, where our cars tie us together. That has given me opportunities to make friends with people that I never would have come into contact with otherwise.

[SouthernBelleInUtah]

So odd to me that I met my first friend here at a public event. We both attended a Water Expo and were sitting near each other. She is not native English-speaking and asked me to help her with a word. We started talking and are now friends. As the above poster noted, find a hobby/activity - but it sounds like the meetup groups may be that for you?

[BigDGeek]

How long will it take for someone to suggest Meetup?

I've tried Meetup, it's a total bust; most of the groups there are pyramid schemes or meat markets.

I don't have an answer for the OP; I grew up here and I still haven't found my tribe. Doubt I ever will.

[Gilah G.]

I was in 2 successful meetup groups. Made some great friends. When one joins meetup, it really is what YOU make if it. Just joining one and not putting yourself out there to meet and communicate with others will not work.

Op, have you looked into the Buddhist Community?
Would you be interested in Yoga?
Volunteer where you have a passion. Animals, people, nature, local politics, some sort of Advocacy.
Have you checked out the Random Acts of Kindness Meetup?
Ever signed up for one of those Community center classes they offer every season?



What do you do for a living? What are your hobbies?

maybe you were just destined to have acquaintances and not close friends?

[frenzyrider]

Originally Posted by Gilah G.

maybe you were just destined to have acquaintances and not close friends?

Now that is harsh! Human being is a social animal. But I agree with you. It depends on how much you are willing to give and whether the other person is already a part of a friend circle. It is a statistical fact that humans cannot maintain more than 5 "close" friendships on average...

I have myself lived in several continents and cities, I think it is really difficult particularly in a "car" commuting city like Dallas. Heck lot of people don't even see their neighbors for days (back alley garage house owners.. i am talking to you specially).

Hobby or an activity is THE most important way to meet people who share your likes and dislikes in this area.

[TurtleCreek80]

I would suggest pouring your time into your passions - being your career, a sport or gym, volunteer work/ a cause, etc and continue to be your regular extroverted self. (At least you're not embarrassingly shy! )

Perhaps you are struggling to convert your acquaintances into friends. It is definitely hard as you get older and everyone seems to have their own established friend groups. What do you do when you find people you enjoy? Do you suggest getting together for happy hour? Or suggesting to someone in an organized running group or yoga or gym class to go to brunch afterwards? When you talk to long-term acquaintances, do you keep the topics surface (weather, how ya doing?, etc) or really ask questions about them and get to know them? Do you put yourself "out there"? Do you do nice things for "better" acquaintances- ie, bring dinner to someone who's been sick or had a baby, send some Tiff's Treats for a big bday, offer to help them move or network for a better job?

My father always said "to have a friend, you have to first be a friend". I think it's pretty good advice!!

[BeenThereDunThat]

I can relate with much of what the OP has written. I'm a world traveler and despite being brought up in a religious atmosphere (yeah I did bible study, church, etc.) I no longer participate in church of any kind. I do miss the fellowship but as I grew older I found the dogmatic attitudes to be a bit rigid but that's another discussion. I'll go to church on occasion if someone invites me but I stay away from revivals and that sort of thing. It's usually to go see someone's kid sing at a special presentation (like Christmas, Easter, dinners, etc.). The downside is that almost everytime some associate pastor tries the not-so-subtle hard sell of me joining their church family. (Don't these guys ever "get it?") Anyways..enough, I digress.

I think it's just harder to make strong friendships these days as people seem to insulate themselves with work, family-matters, etc. that they just don't have room for adding someone else in their circle. I've had people whom I felt were pretty good friends sort of forget about me even when I've initiated things like grabbing lunch or visiting or coming over, etc. Reasons have been mostly because their relationship and/or family status has changed and because I'm not "like them" (i.e. having a family, going to church anymore, etc.) it's like I've fallen off their radar. This area is very family-centric so if you're not raising a family or focusing on the same things as they are, you aren't a component that fits neatly in their lifestyle or share the same focus. It's really true.

I would say that I've made some pretty good acquaintances but I can't honestly say that any of them are what I could call friends in the way that you'd feel you could really share close confidences with. I do have maybe 2 or 3 friends of a sort where I can do that in limits but even so there's a bit of an "arm's length" sort of friendship if you understand what I mean. And that's okay, I understand. I did something a few years back for a close acquaintance and I drove a good bit to attend his mom's funeral without telling him I would be there. After the service he saw me and he was really surprised and really appreciated that I would go to the trouble. After that moment, he has seen me in a different light and I get calls & e-mails every now and then and dinner invites, he and his wife even took me out to dinner for my birthday so that was nice. So I feel we're more friends now than previously.

There's no magic formula for friendship. It starts out with familiarity and common-interests or ideas fostered with effective communication skills in a social setting. Whether or not it progresses from there is anyone's guess. Being Buddhist/agnostic-leaning is unique so mainstream church-goers may not have much tolerance (subconsciously even) for such views as it may make them uncomfortable. I don't focus too much on my religious/spiritual views, even when asked. If the topic of church is broached, it is akin to landing on the "Go To Jail" spot on a Monopoly board. Being non-religious in a very religious area can be a deal-breaker for a lot of folks (them, not me) so there's a trick to knowing how to politely change the subject. It can be tough but I would think the best bet is to find others with similar views and/or interests other than spiritual beliefs. I do wine/food tastings and I've found those to be great for social mingling as I love to learn more about good food & wine, easy to break-the-ice with folks in this setting. I attend history presentations or indy-filmfests, etc. where I've met a diversity of folks and that's been interesting.

One thing I've noted however is that I've been told by some closer acquaintances who are more at ease with me is that my facial expression is somewhat cooler or aloof in appearance. Not that I look like a psychopath or snob or anything, I just have a very relaxed facial expression and I guess it doesn't exactly look inviting. I've tried smiling more but I feel like I'm about to sell a life-insurance policy or get-rich-quick scheme, it feels odd but I just can't pull it off somehow. Even my icons look like :| So visual cues may be something that keeps people from wanting to engage or warm-up, just a hunch I suppose.

The dynamics of making friends... it's a mystery but as someone said earlier, you got to mix it up and get out there. Good Luck! See I did smile sincerely that time!

[glespaul]

Originally Posted by MckinneyOwnr

How old are you? From what you wrote, it might as well have been me writing it. The difference is that I grew up here, and so a lot of my long time friends from grade school are still in the area and we are still friends.

To make long lasting friendships as an adult, I think the best way is to find a hobby you enjoy, then find similar people that also enjoy that. For example, I'm in a couple car clubs, where our cars tie us together. That has given me opportunities to make friends with people that I never would have come into contact with otherwise.

Thanks for your response! I am sure you are right about the hobbies. I've got ADD when it comes to hobbies, every year or so I seem to add a new interest. So far the list includes SCUBA diving, rock climbing, running, triathlon, sewing, gardening, sailing...and on it goes.) As my interests change so too does the group that I hang out. Perhaps it's time to stick to pick something and stick to it.

[glespaul]

Originally Posted by TurtleCreek80

I would suggest pouring your time into your passions - being your career, a sport or gym, volunteer work/ a cause, etc and continue to be your regular extroverted self. (At least you're not embarrassingly shy! )

Perhaps you are struggling to convert your acquaintances into friends. It is definitely hard as you get older and everyone seems to have their own established friend groups. What do you do when you find people you enjoy? Do you suggest getting together for happy hour? Or suggesting to someone in an organized running group or yoga or gym class to go to brunch afterwards? When you talk to long-term acquaintances, do you keep the topics surface (weather, how ya doing?, etc) or really ask questions about them and get to know them? Do you put yourself "out there"? Do you do nice things for "better" acquaintances- ie, bring dinner to someone who's been sick or had a baby, send some Tiff's Treats for a big bday, offer to help them move or network for a better job?

My father always said "to have a friend, you have to first be a friend". I think it's pretty good advice!!

You hit the nail on the head about it being harder to make friends the older you are. I've met some wonderful people that i'd want to grow closer too. But, usually they're natives with an already established social network. I definitely make suggestions, plan things, and invite them out. But, I can't very well be like, "I'm lonely, take me to your tribe!".

P.S. I really like your dad's advice. I am a pretty good friend, but I definitely could do more of the "nice things" that you mentioned.