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Well I'm having to write a statement that is less than 300 words on the cause of humanity's downfall. While I have many very smart and resourcefull friends, this is one statment I have not been able to get anyone to assist in being critiqued. Of course any and all are welcomed to comment any way they desire; however, I am mostly looking to get help with editing and objective thoughts to improve wording. I sincerely hope everyone enjoys.
Quote:
Bigotry is nothing more than an uneducated inquiry into the lives of those we do not understand. A hypothesis is an educated guess, meaning ones little understanding of a subject that needs more study. The gesture of one’s opinion into the lives of people we contain partial understanding; would be a bigot’s hypothesis. Belief of a bigot’s theory would make a racist. Bigotry exists in every facet of life, gender, social profile, crosses every line of faith, religion, and education. Bigotry is not only the beginning of racism; it is the introduction of a fascist society.
While it is inevitable that all humans in their natural state will judge or jump to conclusions about those that surround them; these ideas fabricate a bigot, a theorist. Giving credence to their own concept makes them a racist. The sharing of these beliefs, even if only a brief thought, benignantly shared with others unknowingly creates mini-fascist societies. We are all guilty of making these mistakes. The knowledge of doing such and continuing to do so; makes one a leader of an underground holocaust. The leader’s (a racist) belief in a religion whether well known or self created is not only the original to cast a member of society into a new social profile; is also the creator of sin against humanity.
Every thought that crosses your mind; every uttered breath must be closely examined, to perceive its potential effects on a world that is inundated with uncontrollable beings of genocide. All acts of kindness, love, hate, crime, war; all begin with a carelessly expressed thought that becomes a regimes popular belief.
I've inserted suggested corrections in red and comments and questions in bold:
Bigotry is nothing more than an uneducated inquiry - define this term more precisely. How can an "inquiry" -- an attempt to understand through asking a question -- truly be an example of bigotry? into the lives of those we do not understand. A hypothesis is an educated guess, meaning one's little understanding of a subject that needs more study -- What does this mean? Indeed, a hypothesis IS an educated guess, but it's often based on extensive (not "little") understanding of a subject needing more study. Science is not only about finding the right answers; it's also about asking the right questions.. The gesture of one’s opinion -- What does this mean? into the lives of people we contain partial understanding -- What are "people we contain partial understanding"?; would be a bigot’s hypothesis. Belief in a bigot’s theory would make a racist -- "Would make a racist" do what?. Bigotry exists in every facet of life, gender, social profile, and crosses every line of faith, religion, and education. Bigotry is not only the beginning of racism; it is the introduction of a fascist society. Can fascism be based on other attitudes besides bigotry? Is bigotry a necessary element of fascism?
While it is inevitable that all humans in their natural state will judge or jump to conclusions about those that surround them; -- Review your semicolon use. A semicolon must separate two independent thoughts that could otherwise be sentences on their own.these ideas fabricate -- Misused this word. How do "these ideas" -- a term you should define clearly -- make one a bigot?a bigot, a theorist. Giving credence to their own concept -- What does this mean?makes them a racist. The sharing of these beliefs, even if only a brief thought, benignantly -- Review the meaning of this word. shared with others unknowingly creates mini-fascist societies. We are all guilty of making these mistakes -- Define what you mean by "these mistakes." . The knowledge of doing such -- Define what you mean by "such." and continuing to do so; -- You need no punctuation here. makes one a leader of an underground holocaust. Is there really such a thing as an "underground holocaust," given that "holocaust," or "whole burning" refers to the systematic destruction of an entire group of people? How is it possible to commit genocide and have this action be hidden or "underground" in any way? The leader’s (a racist) belief -- The wording is clumsy here.in a religion whether well known or self created is not only the original to cast a member of society into a new social profile; is also the creator of sin against humanity. What? This last part was confusingly written.
Every thought that crosses your mind; every uttered breath must be closely examined, to perceive its potential effects on a world that is inundated with uncontrollable beings of genocide -- What is a being of genocide?. All acts of kindness, love, hate, crime, war-- all begin with a carelessly expressed thought that becomes a regime's popular belief.
Please do not use "your." Fascinating though others may think me *cough,* let me assure you that I am quite dull. Please do not write about me using "your," which of course refers to me when I am reading it.
Overall, your main problem is that in an effort to sound weighty and professional, you lose your unique and individual "voice," your own customary way of putting your insights and thoughts. The result is writing that doesn't communicate your thoughts sufficiently well. Your diction is unfamiliar to you and you tend to misuse some words or put your thoughts in a way which is confusing.
1. Write as if you were speaking.
2. Do not use words you don't normally use in conversation.
3. Avoid elliptical constructions or unnecessary pronouns, vague terms, "your," or terms you haven't previously defined in the paragraph.
Well I'm having to write a statement that is less than 300 words on the cause of humanity's downfall. While I have many very smart and resourcefull friends, this is one statment I have not been able to get anyone to assist in being critiqued. Of course any and all are welcomed to comment any way they desire; however, I am mostly looking to get help with editing and objective thoughts to improve wording. I sincerely hope everyone enjoys.
Pickles I'd like to make a suggestion. First write up the statement as if you were writing to us here on the forum, because I'm hearing your voice in that. Take out the wordy words and just write as if you were trying to explain it to us not quite bright ones. Get your grammar and syntax polished up and make sure all sentences make sense. Then carefully cherry pick the terms you must use--ones like genocide, bigotry, and fascism--make sure you are perfectly clear on their meaning, and add some of them back in, in such a way that the reader is quite clear on their meaning also. A thesaurus can help with this too, since some terms like "fascism" cannot be easily defined. Maybe you mean something more specific. Also, examples added in add interest and clarify what you are trying to say. The more "wordy words" you add back in, the clearer your sentences must be.
My biggest advice though, is don't try to impress the reader. Never use a long word when a shorter one will do, and never use five words where one will do. Reading is hard enough work for most people anyway, so they don't want to have to slog through a sentence with five big words that are not used in a precise manner. Also, it sounds like you are trying to emulate the writing of PhD candidates, but I assure you, most of that is bad writing. Ask yourself before you write: Who is my audience? (If they're PhD candidates, disregard all of our advice and keep it as it is.)
I loved the thought in this sentence: "Bigotry is not only the beginning of racism; it is the introduction of a fascist society." Perhaps you could expand on that one a bit. Anyway, you'll do fine--I just get the feeling that this is a style of writing that is unfamiliar to you. Go get the book, "The Elements of Style". It's a little cheap paperback, and a classic.
Pickles I hope you will let us read your essay when you've worked it over again and I hope we weren't too hard on you, because your writing style is fine when you're not trying so hard.
Well, first of all, the very foundation of the question is subject to scrutiny and somewhat juvenile. Humanity's downfall? Really?
Last time I checked, humanity is enjoying a remarkable surge of prosperity, even among the developing world. Free trade, the proliferation of democracy and human rights, and the steady application of science and technology have made the lives of ordinary people throughout the planet much more bearable, not less.
Compared to even 100 years ago, average lifespans are much longer. People are much healthier and wealthier. Fewer and fewer people suffer the predation of a lawless, despotic state unconcerned with their individual lives and liberties.
What's more, Bigotry--the subject of your essay--seems to be on the wane, not the increase. Gosh, I attended a music festival this very weekend in Birmingham, Alabama. Here was a city that once was synonymous with bigotry, now with blacks and whites mingling freely, having conversations, laughing, and enjoying music together...all without the faintest trace of hate that might have separated them one or two generations ago.
The reason for this is the rise of individualism as originally expressed by philosophers such as John Locke. No longer do people need to be fettered to the notion of their ethnic identity. Instead, they derive their power from their own strength and intellect, achieving unbelievable things--because past barriers have been shattered.
So, as humanity stands today, there is no Black Death sweeping the globe, taking a third of its population with it. Barbarian armies aren't massed on the frontier, ready to sack and pillage cities. Nuclear weapons are no longer poised to streak across the pole, blowing away distant cities. Sure, they exist. But the hairtrigger willingness to use them no longer does.
All of which leads me to conclude one thing. The future of humanity is bright, not clouded. The problems we have to solve are largely technical and economic, rather than in the human psyche. Based on the progress we've made as a species since the days of the Renaissance, the Enlightenment, and the Scientific Revolution, how anybody can reach a gloomy conclusion about our species is beyond me.
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Get your grammar and syntax polished up and make sure all sentences make sense. Then carefully cherry pick the terms you must use--ones like genocide, bigotry, and fascism--make sure you are perfectly clear on their meaning, and add some of them back in, in such a way that the reader is quite clear on their meaning also. A thesaurus can help with this too, since some terms like "fascism" cannot be easily defined. Maybe you mean something more specific. Also, examples added in add interest and clarify what you are trying to say. The more "wordy words" you add back in, the clearer your sentences must be.
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